Interesting article about cohabitating

[Deleted]

Well, interesting points about cohabitating. Maybe things you've heard before.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/23/living-with-your-partner_n_5599034.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

What do you think? 

I think a lot of it makes sense. I think the second point in the article (about relationship inertia) is exactly what happened with my XH. We lived together long enough that it was hard to break up, and ended up getting married because it seemed like something we should do and it seemed in some ways to be easier than breaking up. If this is a common thing people do, it makes sense that cohabitation could lead to divorce. 

The rest of it...IDK. I can see how if you want to get married, moving in together without a clear goal to do so could be detrimental. I have always disliked the idea of "testing out" living together before marriage, I feel like if you want to commit to someone you make living together work, and if you are that unsure about someone you shouldn't move in together to begin with.

And I think living together without a goal of marriage is actually ok. It's nice living with another person, especially someone you really enjoy spending time with. As long as you aren't buying property or making a ton of huge purchases/comingling finances, I think it's probably not the end of the world to live with someone even if you aren't that interested in marriage. Honestly, I'd like to get married again someday and I think I would like to marry my BF. But marriage/divorce are kind of scary ideas in a lot of ways and I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of commitment anytime soon. I want to make sure my relationship will really continue to be happy and we really are compatible long beyond the initial fun parts of the relationship. We have talked about the intent to marry someday but not in any concrete terms. But I love living with my BF. Despite just officially moving in, he's been here most of the time for months and it's so much fun hanging out every night, looking forward to getting home and seeing him, having a second person to let the dogs out/clean the house, etc. I hope we don't break up someday, but even if we do I think living together would have been worth it. I also feel like I learned my lesson the first time and would not marry someone out of convenience (and he's lived with and ended a previous relationship, so I know he's not likely to just slide into the wrong marriage either).


Anyway, what are your thoughts on this? Would you live with someone again before marriage? If you lived together before marriage the first time, do you think that had an effect on the outcome of your marriage? 

[bullygirl979]

Absolutely I would live with someone before marriage. I think part of the problem is that a lot of people don't examine their relationships and see if they are truly happy. They don't assess the relationship and make a game plan off of that. They just move in together, because, hey! why not. So, yeah, I can see where those relationships would end up in divorce. I think that those relationships are very different than the people who have a long term game plan and are making strides to get there. I know I can't afford a house and a wedding all in one year. So, we will buy a house now and get married when we are in a spot to do so.

[CrazyLucky]

Before DH and I moved in, we had a big conversation. This was a step toward marriage. Not a trial period, etc. We lived together about a year before getting engaged, and so far so good. I think it's important to have that conversation.
I had lived with a guy before DH. That was probably more "this is what you do after dating a certain amount of time." And thank God that didn't work out.

I'd also just like to repeat that I HATE HATE HATE the question, "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" It is so obnoxious and makes me really mad when someone says it to me.

[acr]

I didn't live with my XH until we married (and we didn't live in the same city even - ever - until our wedding day). I missed out on a lot of important information on how he lived his life that probably would have made me think twice.

Now that I have a kid, I'm hesitant about moving in with my BF before we're officially committed to a lifetime together. I do think it makes sense to live together when you're at the point of knowing the relationship's a keeper.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Why are we all so afraid to talk to our partners? If you want to get married, make that known. It should be discussed. Don't move in with someone and hope someday it leads to marriage without ever saying anything. That's just stupid. Are we (general "we" not "we" on the board) so afraid of scaring a man off by saying "hey, someday I want to be married. Get in or get out."?

I don't want to be married again, but if I did, I certainly would live with someone first. You have to know what you're getting into. That goes beyond how clean he keeps his laundry basket. I want to know how the person handles bills. I want to know what he's like on weekday mornings before work and lazy weekends. I want to know what he's like when he gets angry or frustrated. All that shit will happen. I'm sure as fuck not signing on for a lifetime of it when I don't know what to expect.

And as for the whole "getting the milk for free..." I mean, some people just don't want the damn cow. If anyone doesn't want to get married, he/she won't want to be married regardless of whether or not they live with someone first. If he/she ends up getting married just to accomplish some goal, there will be resentment, I'm sure of it.

[Deleted]

I don't know, sometimes things don't work out no matter which road you take. I'm not sure where you can place the blame or the shortsightedness until you are out of it and look back.

[cuddlyevil]

Yeah, I don't think you can say for certain that either way is the right way. It's more about what your expectations are and how you address them with your partner. stbx never addressed his true feelings to me, hence I thought things were fine while he was just marrying me because it seemed easier than breaking a lease.

I would like to get married again in the future, but I want to be damned sure that we have good lines of communication in place first.

[bullygirl979]

Jul 24, 2014 8:57:44 GMT -5 doglove said:

I don't know, sometimes things don't work out no matter which road you take. I'm not sure where you can place the blame or the shortsightedness until you are out of it and look back.

Correct. Sometimes both parties can have the best of intentions and it just doesn't work. Hence why I didn't speak in absolutes

[Wanderista]

Yeah, I agree that there is not really a specific formula to follow. Every situation is unique. I also think that we (general we) should stop seeing relationships as failures if they ultimately end. People come into our lives for different reasons, some of them are lessons. I guess that we shouldn't view life as a game where you win or lose according to certain benchmarks. By that I mean, it's not like if you (general you) get someone to marry you or pass certain milestones then you "win" by achieving that specific outcome as opposed to other people who choose a different path. Life is full of many different ways to win, I guess that's what I am saying.

Personally, I disagreed with a large chunk of the article but I don't have any problem with others differing from me. I am personally a fan of testing out relationships with cohabiting and I don't mind thinking of it that way. I guess that I personally see the whole process of dating as a form of testing out prospective partners. I am very glad that I did this with my exes. We did save ourselves from being miserably married. In one case, I am still friends with that person. We would not work as long-term partners but that doesn't mean that we cannot be friends. I am very glad that we tested things out rather than marrying before doing so. (I say this because we would have been completely miserable, I have no sense of judgement about divorce). I have also learned from each of those tests.

One more thing that I will say is that because I am ultimately thinking of marrying and having a more defined future, I do mentally put a certain timeframe onto a relationship. Basically, there is a limit to how long I will just date someone. I kind of "take the temperature" of the relationship. This doesn't mean that I expect us to be married by a certain date or anything. It is more of a case of really reflecting on what I want by a certain point based on evidence. In this way, I guess I try to avoid any worries about long-term cohabiting relationship inertia.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I think we've discussed this article or one similar before. like you and your xh bucky, I too 'slid' into cohabitating wo any discussion about the future. eventually we got married bc after 6 years of togetherness and living together for 5, what else do 2 early to late 30somethings do ?!? getting married was far easier than breaking up lol

looking back, I can't see myself living w/ another man UNLESS there is a ring involved and I feel like I can tell him anything - open communication is a HUGE plus !!

[WinterIsComing]

Interesting article @buckybells! STBXH and I started living together without any talk about what it meant or the future. It was really just to save on rent. I honestly don't think we fell into the trap of getting married because it was the next logical step - but I can see how that happens. Unfortunately, I think we would have got married living together or not.

I'm curious to see how I feel about this whenever I do start dating again. I feel like at this point I am in such a different place in life - stable job, not as worried about money, own my house. There definitely won't be any rushing into living together to save on rent.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2014 11:54:26 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

I think we've discussed this article or one similar before. like you and your xh bucky, I too 'slid' into cohabitating wo any discussion about the future. eventually we got married bc after 6 years of togetherness and living together for 5, what else do 2 early to late 30somethings do ?!? getting married was far easier than breaking up lol

looking back, I can't see myself living w/ another man UNLESS there is a ring involved and I feel like I can tell him anything - open communication is a HUGE plus !!

Yep, I don't think it was this particular article but one that covered some of the same topics

You know, it's funny because a year ago I would have said the same - I can't see myself living with another man until/unless we were engaged/married. But it's amazing how much that changed for me when I met and got to know my BF. I am not in a rush to get engaged/married, but I love that we live together because it means that even on busy days when we work or have social plans without each other or whatever, we still get at least a small amount of time together and it's nice being able to be a part of each others' lives in that way. I always thought XH and I would have gotten along better if we lived apart, but I don't feel like that at all with BF. Being with him and being in the same place is just so fun and effortless. I could wait until we're engaged to experience that, but I can't honestly think of a good reason to since we're so happy with this arrangement. I don't know if that even makes sense lol. It's not what I would have predicted.

I guess for me it helps that he's moving into a place that I already lived by myself so there is no concern about money for me. If things don't work out (which I am not anticipating, but after divorce I feel like I always need a contingency plan...) he'll just move back out and I'll keep paying the bills like I did before he moved in. I might be less likely to move somewhere new or make commitments that I NEEDED the other person in order to keep (like moving into an apartment I couldn't afford on my own) without being engaged. IDK.

[stephreloaded]

Jul 24, 2014 10:53:26 GMT -5 Wanderista said:

eople who choose a different path. Life is full of many different ways to win, I guess that's what I am saying.

Personally, I disagreed with a large chunk of the article but I don't have any problem with others differing from me. I am personally a fan of testing out relationships with cohabiting and I don't mind thinking of it that way.

I think the same thing. I mean, I am moving in with the person because I see the clear potential and see things going right down the road but I like the idea of trying to see how the person is actually like. 

Take my comment with a grain of salt because I have never cohabited with a SO . 

[locarb]

I'm team live together first and know ea other quirks. Next relationship tho, it will be live together with a talk of the future. Roommates are tough, regardless of relationship (friends, fam, college, and lovers). I'm difficult to live with. I have OCD cleaning habits so its a true test.
eta:clarity

[Deleted]

@buckybells, I'm petty much on the same page as you. 
There's no right or wrong.  
I feel that, for me, living together is necessary before deciding upon marriage.  I think it's hard to know someone through and through at their best and worst without cohabitating.  Personally, I wouldn't live with someone if I didn't think the relationship had long term (for me that means marriage) potential. 
With xh I rushed in and he pushed for everything to be quick.  I made mistakes, but I learned from them. 
With my BF, I'm really happy living together.  It was the right step for us.  We see ourselves together for our future, marriage and kids are something we talk about, but we are not in a rush.  Financially, these things are not on the horizon for a while.  
Because I'm divorced, I'm afraid of ending up divorced again.  I'd rather us take our time and make sure it's right then end up with a messy situation.

[lexxasaurus]

Jul 24, 2014 8:47:44 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Why are we all so afraid to talk to our partners? If you want to get married, make that known. It should be discussed.

This. I moved in with my boyfriend recently and when we started seriously talking about it I told him I wanted to get married, I saw us getting married, and if he wasn't on the same page then there was no need to live together.

I was with my ex for YEARS hoping that they'd want to marry me someday, and just waiting around. I wanted it to be a step towards a commitment this time and not just a convenience.

[sherbanator]

I do not plan on ever getting married again. I am not adverse to moving in with someone in the future after my daughter is out of the house. She is 5 now so it is a very long time away.

[verycontrary247]

Jul 24, 2014 8:40:27 GMT -5 acr said:

I didn't live with my XH until we married (and we didn't live in the same city even - ever - until our wedding day). I missed out on a lot of important information on how he lived his life that probably would have made me think twice.

This is where I am. I would DEFINITELY live with someone before getting married again.

[GilliC]

I think that understanding the day-to-day is extremely important. There are so many people on Ye' Olde Other Board (yes, I still browse the trainwrecky newlywed posts over there) who are completely blind-sided by the hygiene and housekeeping of their new spouses. From my own dating experience, I think it's a lot easier to overlook things when you don't live together, because you don't have to deal with them all day every day over and over. "The way this guy leaves dirty rags on the sofa is gross, but surely he'd keep a tidier space if he was sharing it, right?!" Not necessarily!

However, I think this article brings up a very important point:
It's important to be objective, and back out when you realize things aren't right.

This is similar to engagements. We've all seen (or been) the people who are having cold feet for very legitimate reasons, but "There are already deposits and invitations and commitments, and cold feet are normal, right?!"

As for the idea that living together means you might never get married, that should only be the case if someone truly has no intentions of getting married. As everyone else has said, this is a conversation that should happen by default. Talking about marriage shouldn't be interpreted as pressuring someone into getting married. If someone does or does not intend to get married after finding a compatible, committed partner, this is something that should be in the early deal-breaker discussions!


Standard disclaimer: I've been living in a society where cohabiting for years before marriage is not only the standard, but it has its own legal status separate from marriage. Many people don't even get married until after they start having kids!