Is this too forward (note of condolence)?

[Susie]

One of our friends recently lost his younger brother to a drug overdose this week.  It was unexpected in that he'd been doing well, had been sober, had some good things going in his life, but also not entirely unexpected because it was not his first OD (about 6 months ago he was hospitalized after one), and he has struggled with addiction for almost all of his adult life.  Expected or not, it's tragic.  The family has decided to cremate his remains, and are not doing a funeral right now; they plan to wait on doing a memorial event of some kind after Friend's currently-40+ week pregnant sister has her baby and they are all better able to process it all.

Since I am not into the FB "So sorry for your loss" post bit, I need to send a note of condolence to our friend, and also to his parents.  (We know the family pretty well, know the parents, are Friend's daughter's godparents, etc.) 

Ideally I would like to make a donation to an appropriate charity in Brother's memory.  Since there has been no obit and no funeral arrangements, there's not the typical "in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to..." heads up.  Would it be too forward to choose a substance abuse treatment center in the area?  Friend's Dad was a substance abuse counselor by profession (which probably makes this whole thing even harder), so obviously it's an area of care they value.  I don't know where he worked though.  I don't want to bother them right now with a question about specific charities.

[lime]

I don't think that's too forward.

But, I would just send a note now and then wait to do the donation until they have done a memorial event. They might even suggest a charity at that point.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't do that. I'd send a card and, if you want to do something else, send flowers now or flowers/"in lieu of" donation when the memorial service happens.

[hainesherway]

My mother died recently, and what I appreciated most was those who sent food. It was easy to forget to eat in the aftermath.

[mbcdefg]

Sorry about your friend

I would send a card for now, and just wait to see if they make a charity suggestion in the future. If you really want to do something financial for them right now, I'd send a gift card for a local grocery store or takeout place, or even some cash with a note saying that they should use it however they see fit.

Another point - when my dad died, my mom included an "in lieu of flowers, please donate to our church" request in his obit, and she made it a point to write thank you notes to the contributors (plus to people who sent flowers) afterward. So if your friend's family has the same mindset, they might be grateful to not have to* write another TY note at this moment.

* My dad's death was expected and my mom said that the TY notes gave her something to do. But death is a situation where I'd NEVER judge someone for not sending out TY notes, so this is a disclaimer that I'm not knocking anyone who doesn't send them out and I'm not suggesting that TY notes are mandatory for death-related contributions or gifts. /ramble

[MDmomof2]

If you'd like to make a donation, you could ask the family what his favorite causes were.  My friend's brother died of a brain aneurysm but he was passionate about animal welfare and they asked for donations to be made to the ASPCA. They wanted him to be remembered for what he loved to do, not how he died.

[Susie]

Jul 24, 2014 11:35:31 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My mother died recently, and what I appreciated most was those who sent food. It was easy to forget to eat in the aftermath.

The trouble with this, and with flowers, is that I'd have to send it in triplicate to give it to Friend, Friend's Parents, and Friend's Sister.  That's... a bigger financial commitment than I was looking for?  (I feel like an ass saying that, but 3 bouquets is considerably more expensive than 1.)  They all live in different places, and aren't all together right now.  I'll send separate cards, but was thinking I could mention that I made a donation to ____ in each card.

I appreciate what people are saying about, e.g., substance abuse treatment centers.  What about some kind of environmental charity or park?  To make that seem less left-field, Dad is a hobby nature photographer and has been posting nature photos since Brother's death that he took and finds comforting.  Light, trees, bodies of water, etc.  I don't know, I am grasping.

I just feel like I need to do something now.

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 24, 2014 11:34:28 GMT -5 v said:

I wouldn't do that. I'd send a card and, if you want to do something else, send flowers now or flowers/"in lieu of" donation when the memorial service happens.

I agree. 

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 24, 2014 11:42:04 GMT -5 Susie said:

Jul 24, 2014 11:35:31 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My mother died recently, and what I appreciated most was those who sent food. It was easy to forget to eat in the aftermath.

The trouble with this, and with flowers, is that I'd have to send it in triplicate to give it to Friend, Friend's Parents, and Friend's Sister.  That's... a bigger financial commitment than I was looking for?  (I feel like an ass saying that, but 3 bouquets is considerably more expensive than 1.)  They all live in different places, and aren't all together right now.  I'll send separate cards, but was thinking I could mention that I made a donation to ____ in each card.

I appreciate what people are saying about, e.g., substance abuse treatment centers.  What about some kind of environmental charity or park?  To make that seem less left-field, Dad is a hobby nature photographer and has been posting nature photos since Brother's death that he took and finds comforting.  Light, trees, bodies of water, etc.  I don't know, I am grasping.

I just feel like I need to do something now.

I like the idea of sending food now, at least to your friend. 

[Deleted]

While I think this is a kind gesture, I think it might come off as a little presumptuous, for lack of a better description. They may appreciate a monetary gift at this time more, not want a reminder of how he passed, or have a different organization that they want to donate to later, etc. I would send a card and wait for the memorial.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2014 11:42:04 GMT -5 Susie said:

Jul 24, 2014 11:35:31 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My mother died recently, and what I appreciated most was those who sent food. It was easy to forget to eat in the aftermath.

The trouble with this, and with flowers, is that I'd have to send it in triplicate to give it to Friend, Friend's Parents, and Friend's Sister.  That's... a bigger financial commitment than I was looking for?  (I feel like an ass saying that, but 3 bouquets is considerably more expensive than 1.) 

No, you don't.  Just send something to either your friend (because that's who you're closest to) or to his parents (because they lost their son).  Cards to all three is a SUPER nice gesture, but flowers/food/etc. to all three would be over the top.

[Deleted]

Send a card now and send money in the future when they determine a charity.

[hainesherway]

Jul 24, 2014 11:42:04 GMT -5 Susie said:

Jul 24, 2014 11:35:31 GMT -5 hainesherway said:

My mother died recently, and what I appreciated most was those who sent food. It was easy to forget to eat in the aftermath.

The trouble with this, and with flowers, is that I'd have to send it in triplicate to give it to Friend, Friend's Parents, and Friend's Sister.  That's... a bigger financial commitment than I was looking for?  (I feel like an ass saying that, but 3 bouquets is considerably more expensive than 1.)  They all live in different places, and aren't all together right now.  I'll send separate cards, but was thinking I could mention that I made a donation to ____ in each card.

I appreciate what people are saying about, e.g., substance abuse treatment centers.  What about some kind of environmental charity or park?  To make that seem less left-field, Dad is a hobby nature photographer and has been posting nature photos since Brother's death that he took and finds comforting.  Light, trees, bodies of water, etc.  I don't know, I am grasping.

I just feel like I need to do something now.

That's understandable.  Maybe just send a card to Friend and Friend's sister and include the donation to the Dad's nature charity in his card?

[BeagleMama]

I agree that a donation to a substance abuse clinic is not appropriate, but would suggest a donation to a charity he had interest in (animal rescue, education, his church, etc.). Personally, I never send flowers and always make a donation which, at least for me when my father died, was greatly appreciated.

[sporklemotion]

I think it's fine to send food to a friend and cards to the others, or send food for a time/place near the memorial service, since presumably they will be together then. If you don't want to wait until then or are worried about the announcement, then I would send to friend only.
Though the environmental cause is nice, is it something that the deceased cared about, or his father? Ideally, a donation should relate to the deceased person's interests, IMO. when my parents passed away, we requested donations for causes that were important to them, not so much to us, and I would have found it a bit odd if someone had sent one to a place that was important to me and not to them.
However, we did get donations to causes that were important to the donors (a camp for sick kids that the donor was on the board of, the Salvation Army). It didn't bother me, though I wouldn't 't do it myself. So if you end up with an organization like that, I think it's OK. However, my parents died of terminal illnesses, and while both were surprises due to sudden diagnoses, neither had the unfortunate stigma attached to substance abuse (well, my father had lung cancer, but that's a different sort of stigma). So a donation to a cancer-related charity, while not requested, was not surprising.

[mbcdefg]

I think it's fine to send cards to all, and if you're going to send a gift then just send it to one of them. They will understand.

[Susie]

Jul 24, 2014 12:06:20 GMT -5 milsaroo said:

Jul 24, 2014 11:41:02 GMT -5 MDmomof2 said:

If you'd like to make a donation, you could ask the family what his favorite causes were.  My friend's brother died of a brain aneurysm but he was passionate about animal welfare and they asked for donations to be made to the ASPCA. They wanted him to be remembered for what he loved to do, not how he died.

Well said. I agree with this.

You don't think it would be intrusive to ask a grieving family where they'd like a donation made?  

I am all for donating to wherever they wanted, in fact I'd prefer to know.  I just didn't think asking right now was a good idea.  He's been gone for mere days.

[Susie]

Jul 24, 2014 12:17:14 GMT -5 milsaroo said:

Jul 24, 2014 12:13:13 GMT -5 Susie said:

You don't think it would be intrusive to ask a grieving family where they'd like a donation made?  

I am all for donating to wherever they wanted, in fact I'd prefer to know.  I just didn't think asking right now was a good idea.  He's been gone for mere days.

Oh, yes, I wouldn't ask - I meant that I agreed with sending it somewhere he was passionate about and not substance abuse help, especially with what his father does.

Does he have a FB you can possibly stalk/look for ideas?

Adirondacks is among his 'likes.'  Their family used to have a camp there.  That's what I'd been thinking of, in the "parks" direction.

[emilyinchile]

Jul 24, 2014 11:44:17 GMT -5 @missy1 said:

While I think this is a kind gesture, I think it might come off as a little presumptuous, for lack of a better description. They may appreciate a monetary gift at this time more, not want a reminder of how he passed, or have a different organization that they want to donate to later, etc. I would send a card and wait for the memorial.

Do you mean money directly to the family? I feel like this was discussed recently - maybe not on MM? could have been a random thread I saw - and I think it's very regional. In my experience, sending money to Friend/Friend's sister/Friend's parents would be very strange. I would have felt super awkward if someone sent us money when my mom died. Not necessarily Susie's experience, of course, but I felt it was worth saying.

Anyway, for now, I would just send the cards and maybe some freezable food to your friend (we couldn't have eaten everything we got at once, but it was great to have the freezer stocked for a while). I totally get that you want to DO something now, but I think that the family will feel your care through a thoughtful card now plus any donation you make in the future. I don't think that you need to do the donation right this second for their sake's, and it seems like it could be uncomfortable since you can't really know what they'll think of your choice of charity.

[Deleted]

Honestly, I wouldn't overthink what might be a fitting charity for him. Cards with really nice notes (and the knowledge that they have your love in this tough time) is going to mean a lot more to them than a donation in his memory will. It is really, really nice of you to worry about this, but if they don't come out and announce a place to make donations to, I think it is fine to skip it.  That way there's no way for the donation to look random, or turn out to be to a cause they didn't like, or whatever.

[10nille]

At this time I think a card is appropriate, but the donation  can wait. There is plenty of time to donate later and they may pick a charity themselves. I see donating at this time almost hurtful to the family.

[MDmomof2]

Jul 24, 2014 12:17:14 GMT -5 milsaroo said:

Jul 24, 2014 12:13:13 GMT -5 Susie said:

You don't think it would be intrusive to ask a grieving family where they'd like a donation made?  

I am all for donating to wherever they wanted, in fact I'd prefer to know.  I just didn't think asking right now was a good idea.  He's been gone for mere days.

Oh, yes, I wouldn't ask - I meant that I agreed with sending it somewhere he was passionate about and not substance abuse help, especially with what his father does.

Does he have a FB you can possibly stalk/look for ideas?

Yes, I will amend my previous advice to say that I wouldn't directly ask. It's possible that around the time of the memorial the family will indicate where they'd like donations to be sent.  I agree with others that you could certainly wait on a donation and send cards now.

[tiffany81]

Jul 24, 2014 12:28:14 GMT -5 v said:

Honestly, I wouldn't overthink what might be a fitting charity for him. Cards with really nice notes (and the knowledge that they have your love in this tough time) is going to mean a lot more to them than a donation in his memory will. It is really, really nice of you to worry about this, but if they don't come out and announce a place to make donations to, I think it is fine to skip it.  That way there's no way for the donation to look random, or turn out to be to a cause they didn't like, or whatever.

This.

My dad died suddenly a few months ago. I received cards and flowers from my friends and coworkers. A small number of my friends also sent a card to my mom. They did not send gifts or flowers to her. Her friends and coworkers did that. Every card we received meant the world to us and we both treasure the cards and sentiments shared with us. So definitely send cards now to all of them if you can. It will mean more than a donation. Bring the family food if you are close enough.

[jennistarr1]

yes, perfect sentiment...please do it.

you mentioned FB.  When my grandmothers died, a got one card from one friend...other people I've known will get literally hundreds of FB condolences but not a single card...I just hope FB doesn't replace "better" traditions

[shopgirl07]

Just send cards to the members of the family. When my Dad died, I really appreciated each card I got, especially if people took the time to share a short memory of my Dad.

Once the memorial service is set and the charities are selected, send a donation. The charities will send something to the families letting them know who donated.

[Deleted]

They are postponing a memorial. So send a card if you want but don't do a donation simply because you feel the need to make yourself feel better by doing something now.