S/O the other woman...

[berbles]

The 19 year old (well, she's 20 now, like that matters) approached me yesterday. 

XH and I are friendly, we both still go to soccer games and see each other at the tailgates frequently.  Last week, XH and my BF hugged it out and put all the drama behind them.

Yesterday was a game day.  I'm standing at my car putting my jersey on, and she walks up and asks to talk.  Uh, ok, I guess.  She blabbed on and on and on about being sorry, feeling guilty, etc.  They aren't dating any more, but they're still friends.  She says, "You have every right to hate me, blah blah blah."  I said, "Look, I don't have time or space in my life to hate anyone.  Move on, because I have.  I'm not angry with you.  You didn't make a vow to me.  You didn't cause the problems in our marriage, they were already there.  You did some stupid shit, but I've always known that you would come to regret that.  I don't care anymore."

She cried.  I tried really hard not to let her see me rolling my eyes, lol.  

[katfco]

I think that was nice of her, although she chose a really awkward place to do it.

[cookies]

I hope she feels better.    I think you handled that very well.

[kaybee85]

Jul 24, 2014 15:02:01 GMT -5 katfco said:

I think that was nice of her, although she chose a really awkward place to do it.

I disagree. That was super selfish and all about making herself feel better. 

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2014 15:02:01 GMT -5 katfco said:

I think that was nice of her, although she chose a really awkward place to do it.

Nope. She was trying to make herself feel better by unloading a guilty conscious, not because she was sorry.

[chchchia]

As if you are responsible for now making her feel better??? FUCK. THAT.

[berbles]

Jul 24, 2014 15:02:56 GMT -5 cookies said:

I hope she feels better.    I think you handled that very well.

That was exactly my thought.  Well I'm sure glad YOU feel better. 

She's a dumb kid.  My only karmic wish is that one day she is married and REALLY, TRULY realizes the part she played.  I don't wish for her to go through what I went through, but maybe have a scare that her H is cheating/being inappropriate.  I just want her to suddenly realize exactly what she allowed my XH to do to me.  Because she DID allow it.  I know she has guilt/regret now, but I want her to fully realize, as a married woman, struggling to keep her marriage together, exactly what she she did.  

[dexteroni]

Agree that she wasn't doing this for anyone but herself. berbles you handled it more nicely than I would have. You were almost reassuring. When I was reading her part, I was thinking "I don't need your permission to hate you, which you're damn right I do. Now get the fuck away from me and don't ever come near me again." Of course it's easy to say this not being in the situation. Who knows if I would have had the presence of mind (or balls) to say it in the moment. lol.

[So_Fetch]

Next time I am in an uncomfortable conversation, I'm going to channel my inner berbles. Well played. I love your response.

[berbles]

Also, this is probably a good place to repeat this story because it still makes me giggle.

After I moved out, I had to go back to "our" house to get some more of my stuff. I went over when I knew XH wasn't there; he had just left to go out of town. I went into the bedroom and there was a love note on the bed from her, and it was signed "your lover." BARRRRRRF

I was pissed. And my first thought was to get a kitchen knife and stab the note into the bed, just so they both would know I saw it. I thought about it while I was gathering my stuff, and happened to look into the bathroom trash and saw a bunch of used condoms. BARRRRRRRF

So I took all the remaining condoms from the house.

[margarita]

LOL. I would not know what to say to that!

"Thanks for sharing...?"

"Cool story, bro...?"

You handled it perfectly.

[katfco]

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

[berbles]

Jul 24, 2014 15:08:09 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Agree that she wasn't doing this for anyone but herself. berbles you handled it more nicely than I would have. You were almost reassuring. When I was reading her part, I was thinking "I don't need your permission to hate you, which you're damn right I do. Now get the fuck away from me and don't ever come near me again." Of course it's easy to say this not being in the situation. Who knows if I would have had the presence of mind (or balls) to say it in the moment. lol.

Trust me, many thoughts were going through my head.

But the main thing is - I'm divorced.  I'm a year and a half out from all of this happening.  I really just don't give a fuck about her anymore.  And frankly, that probably bothers her more than an angry reaction would have, since that would justify some of her behavior.  

She's fucking terrified of me and I like it that way, lol.

[kaybee85]

Jul 24, 2014 15:15:21 GMT -5 katfco said:

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

For starters, based on what berbles wrote, there was a whole lotta "I feel" followed by getting upset and having to be comforted from the offender. 

[sofamonkey]

She probably only feels "sorry" because they broke up.  Like, now it wasn't worth it.  Totally selfish of her though, and big fat round of classy lady applause to you.  Holy fuck, you have grace & tact. 

[berbles]

Jul 24, 2014 15:15:21 GMT -5 katfco said:

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

As I said in another poster's thread about whether to confront the OW, ask yourself what your intentions are.  What do you think she hoped to gain, other than assuaging her OWN guilt, from apologizing to me?  To make me feel better?? There is NOTHING, absofuckinglutely NOTHING she could have said that would ever make me feel better.  Think about that.  Because she didn't.  I don't think she has the introspection it requires to have even considered that though.

Again, I think she's just a dumb kid and this will just be one more thing she will look back on in 10 years and go, "OMG what the fuck was I thinking?"

I am pretty zen.  Because I think long term.  And then I get to laugh at her because one day she will get to fully realize what a piece of shit she was in her 20s.

Or, even more zen, maybe she will learn from these mistakes and be a better person.  

Also, I figured it out SO fast.  Those fuckers didn't get to pull anything over on me.  I caught them so quickly; I think that's part of the reason they're both a little terrified of me.

[juliagoulia]

Jul 24, 2014 15:25:00 GMT -5 toledo said:

Jul 24, 2014 15:15:21 GMT -5 katfco said:

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

It was not done for berbles's  benefit.

/wrong reasons.

Yeah, this seems like an easy one?

She pounced on her in public to whine about her own guilt, then basically gave Berbles 'permission' to hate her which puts the negativity back on Berbles. Nope. 

[emjacobs]

Did you let her cry for 5 seconds then sigh dramatically and ask if she was done yet? I mean, there's a game to get to.

[lime]

You handled this really well berbles. I'm impressed at your strength.

I was terrified the OW of my EXFI was going to confront or approach me at some point, because we had been friends too. My standard line, regardless of what she said, was going to be "Thanks for taking the bullet for me".

[berbles]

Jul 24, 2014 15:47:29 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

Did you let her cry for 5 seconds then sigh dramatically and ask if she was done yet? I mean, there's a game to get to.

I actually hugged her to get it over with.  LOL

She kept saying over and over, "I just want to make sure you're happy.  Are you happy?  I just really hope that you're happy."

OMGJUSTSHUTUP.  Yes, I'm happy.  My boyfriend is 10 times the "man" that my XH ever was, obviously, since XH dates teenagers.

[Deleted]

You handled that beautifully

Ironically, I just watched the episode of SATC where Carrie stalks Natasha to apologize (don't judge!) and I have the same response--What a self serving bitch.

[emjacobs]

Jul 24, 2014 15:51:53 GMT -5 berbles said:

Jul 24, 2014 15:47:29 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

Did you let her cry for 5 seconds then sigh dramatically and ask if she was done yet? I mean, there's a game to get to.

I actually hugged her to get it over with.  LOL

She kept saying over and over, "I just want to make sure you're happy.  Are you happy?  I just really hope that you're happy."

OMGJUSTSHUTUP.  Yes, I'm happy.  My boyfriend is 10 times the "man" that my XH ever was, obviously, since XH dates teenagers.

You're a better person that I am, but I'm glad you're happy

[berbles]

Jul 24, 2014 15:55:24 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

Jul 24, 2014 15:51:53 GMT -5 berbles said:

I actually hugged her to get it over with.  LOL

She kept saying over and over, "I just want to make sure you're happy.  Are you happy?  I just really hope that you're happy."

OMGJUSTSHUTUP.  Yes, I'm happy.  My boyfriend is 10 times the "man" that my XH ever was, obviously, since XH dates teenagers.

You're a better person that I am, but I'm glad you're happy

The biggest thing, as I mentioned in the OP, is that we are all part of a large group of soccer fans/supporters.  XH tried to cause drama within the group last year regarding my BF and it did not end well for him.  I absolutely REFUSE to give either of them the pleasure of ruffling my feathers/causing ripples in the rest of the group.  I let the two of them do all of that. 

He fucked me over.  ALL of our mutual friends know it.  I have chosen to remain zen to protect the group AND protect myself.  If I react, gossip starts.  I don't have time for it.

[mellymel]

You handled that so well.

I would have raged on her.

[Deleted]

I cackle at her crying.

Go fuck yourself, little girl.

Flame away.

[berbles]

OH! Also, afterward (during the game), 2 of my friends came up to me and told me that they told her NOT to confront me. She asked them if she should and they both independently told her it was a bad idea (one of these friends used to be our roommate and had to watch the whole transition of me moving out and teenager basically moving in within a week).

That's why I just laugh. She's so so so so so so dumb.

[Deleted]

You handled it a lot better than I would have. But like you said it's all said and done.

I wish you all the best and possibly one day she will actually realize what she did. I don't think she sees the whole picture yet.

Good on you though!

[berbles]

I should also add that I was a little drunk, so I'm pretty impressed with myself for not being more sarcastic than I was, lol. I could have REALLY made her cry.

I was also a lot high, so mostly I was just like

[05heel]

Jul 24, 2014 15:15:21 GMT -5 katfco said:

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

This is why I neither ask for nor accept apologies. I don't really care one bit about your feelings on anything if you've wronged me. I like to keep things simple.

[katfco]

Jul 24, 2014 18:02:56 GMT -5 05heel said:

Jul 24, 2014 15:15:21 GMT -5 katfco said:

Out of curiosity, how do you determine whether or not someone's apologizing for the "wrong" motives? Or are all apologies like this unacceptable?

This is why I neither ask for nor accept apologies. I don't really care one bit about your feelings on anything if you've wronged me. I like to keep things simple.

This was kind of what I was trying to get at: when is an apology for the person you've wronged? 

I'm not trying to dredge up the discussion again, and it does sound like berbles handled it well. I was just wondering, when people say, "The apology was clearly not for [the person wronged] it was to make [the person in the wrong] feel better." Is that always assumed to be the case?