Post by imojoebunny on Jul 24, 2014 20:43:02 GMT -5
Your mom has had enough. You need to make another plan. I assume your mom is a stable woman, who has a life and is missing it. Uber can take you to work, your pretty close right? A cleaner can clean for you, your friends can visit, and food can be arranged or delivered, but your mom has had enough.
just saw your ticker... Does your mom live in town? Or far away? If she lives in town, send her home until the baby is born, then send her home again until your DH goes back to work. If she lives far, I don't know, but find something she would enjoy doing away from you.
Can your mom possibly go home for a few days so you can all get some distance from the situation? With the baby due in a week that may be a lot easier said than done, but it sounds like you could use a break from her and her from you.
Oh honey, your mom has got to go. Do you have to keep working? Tomorrow is Friday, can you make it your last day? Tell your mom to come back after the baby is a few weeks old. Everything else you need you can outsource to strangers - cleaning people, cab driver, food delivery, etc. A grown woman crying over cheese and a stressed, resentful and or guilty husband is not who you need in your village right now. Hang in there.
just saw your ticker... Does your mom live in town? Or far away? If she lives in town, send her home until the baby is born, then send her home again until your DH goes back to work. If she lives far, I don't know, but find something she would enjoy doing away from you.
She lives 600 miles away. She went home two weeks ago, and I encouraged her to stay for as long as she felt like she needed to. She came back five days later.
I get the helplessness. I was on bed rest for 4 weeks before my DD was born (I may have kept this a secret from my mother to keep her away). It sucked, and having my mom around would have driven me extra batty. Sorry it's so hard. It would be easier if babies came scheduled. Hope the baby comes soon and your mom will go home eventually and your ankle will heal. Rotten uck all around. Hope she will take a break this weekend.
This whole post makes me want to hug you, your H and your mom. I get that she overreacted, but this is such a tough situation on all of you and no one's fault. I hope you can all make peace, ride out this small storm and enjoy your new little one.
Can you just say "I'm really sorry we seems to all be driving eachother crazy. What can we do to make things easier on you?" Isn't your DH a doc.tor btw? I assume he doesn't have oodles of time for work and housekeeping right now.
I am worried that I am going to wake up to 1000 responses and this is going to be one of those epic GBCN threads that people cite years after I GBCGBCN from the shame. (wilted)
I am worried that I am going to wake up to 1000 responses and this is going to be one of those epic GBCN threads that people cite years after I GBCGBCN from the shame. (wilted)
lol. I have a crazy mom. I get it, if that's what's happening here.
If it is, I'm in barefootbarista's camp.
If not, or if not completely, I say pile on the appreciation now and have a clear departure date when she leaves after the baby is here.
Good luck! And I'm really sorry this injury happened. : (
I'm pretty sure that if we asked her to leave, though, my mom's and my relationship would never recover.
So you can't have her there, you can't ask her to leave. I think you have to make a choice. If your relationship is that tenuous, I feel like something is going to ruin it eventually. And I mean, if she's huffing and muttering and crying and yelling and storming out, she can't want to be there very much herself, can she? Can you talk with her (at a non-contentious moment) and ask what is stressing her out? Maybe there are things you can do to help.
Maybe she can just go home until the baby arrives. A week or so "off" might help recharge her more than just a weekend. She'll have a day or two notice while you're in the hospital to make arrangements come back. Or if she wants to be there when the baby is born, she can plan to come back a couple days before your due date.
I hope you find a good solution! I know this is a tough situation, and adding family relationship issues into it only makes it worse. Hang in there!
I think you've GOT to make alternate arrangements to get go work through Wednesday. At least, then, you'll have a few hours a day away from each other, which can work wonders.
This is where I struggle. H agrees that she's crazy. But not completely. She's also loving, nurturing, and wonderful.
When she originally offered to stay with us after the baby was born, I was conflicted but ultimately decided that she would be awesome to have around for two weeks or so. I'm kind of shocked we made it this long without getting at one another's throats.
Crazy but loving is tough, for sure. I still think I'd try to do something really nice (if she likes massages, great!) and be clear now about when she's going home (whether you're 100 % ready to be on your own in her eyes or not).
I am worried that I am going to wake up to 1000 responses and this is going to be one of those epic GBCN threads that people cite years after I GBCGBCN from the shame. (wilted)
Do not worry about that! I think a ton of us can relate to having problems setting boundaries with parents. Hopefully your mom will come back from her weekend recharged and she will feel more rewarded when she has a grandbaby to help with. But I wouldn't blame your H if he us urgently busy at work until such time.
I totally get it. I have a mom a lot like this. She will bend over backwards for me, but as I've gotten older I have noticed that she offers and if I take her up on it then every once in a while she definitely gets a martyr complex. It's like since I have "grown up" she has gotten a taste of her freedom and can get pissy if I infringe on it too much (but she offers..yeah, doesn't matter lol). She will make stuff about her when it's not. I tell myself all the time that she is doing me a favor and now that I'm grown she doesn't have to (shouldn't) make her life about me. It is darn near impossible for two sets of adults to live together peacefully!
My mom lives closeish to us so she and MH don't have to be in that close of quarters or I am sure we would have more problems. However, she and my dad are the only help that I have (we can't really afford babysitters), DH works long hours and if we don't have their help then it's all me all the time. So I suck it up and bitch here or to friends.
Unless she was legitimately crazy, I would honestly probably just ignore her bitching and redirect (good practice for having a kid lol) and recognize this is a stressful time and that I needed the help. I would keep H out of it because it seems like the whole exchanged didn't bother him until you got upset. Do I think this is healthy? Probably not, but sometimes you just have to get through and if you need her help you need her help. But yeah, I have a messed up family dynamic so I should probably just be quiet!
Does this make you feel better about your loving yet crazy mom crying over cheese..my mom cried (and caused a huge fight) one time over my offering her pancakes.
I was eating pancakes and she asked for a bite. I was done, so I said "sure, I'm done. Why don't you have the rest?" She freaking BIT MY HEAD OFF. Went on and on about how it was only because I didn't want to eat after her and how I am so weird about it and how I have always been that way and I'm not affectionate blahblahblahblah. Yeah, no. I was just done and thought you might want more than just a bite.
FTR - I don't like people eating after me. If someone is eating a hot dog, I am not going to take a bite of it(except my kids, they don't count). I have no problem with cutting off a piece of my food and giving it to someone to eat with their own utensil. I also don't mind sharing drinks. I don't think this was worthy of the drama it caused.
Honestly, I just think you hit a shitty patch in life. I don't think anyone is the cause of a problem here so much as you all mostly being on a crappy circumstance compounded with shitty timing.
This is the vibe that I get too. It doesn't sound like anyone is crazy; just at their wits end. Hopefully a couple days away and a break from driving you helps. Also, maybe the baby will show up soon and distract everyone! Good luck. How incredibly stressful.
Post by phunluvin82 on Jul 24, 2014 22:04:32 GMT -5
That sucks. If she stays, you are going to blow up at each other. If you ask her to leave, it's going to ruin your relationship. If you try to take the stress off her by doing some things yourself and/or hiring some things out, she loses her mind over that too.
She may not have meant to, but she has turned this into a no-win situation for you. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I don't really know the answer, but I just wanted to say, you don't sound like an entitled brat. You have a broken ankle and a baby on the way practically any minute. And now you have to deal with passive-aggressive under breath muttering and crying over cheese. I can't fathom how stressful all that is.
lol. I have a feeling you're going to be disappointed! It's a fairly straightforward but tough spot that you're in. I don't see any flame wars erupting out of this, but maybe people can come up with something.
lol. I have a feeling you're going to be disappointed! It's a fairly straightforward but tough spot that you're in. I don't see any flame wars erupting out of this, but maybe people can come up with something.
Ok. I feel pretty ashamed of this situation I've created. But I do appreciate the helpful thoughts and commiseration!
What if you give her a gift of a night at a hotel with a great spa? Then she is gone for at least 24 hours, without having to go all the way home, and it's under the guise of "Thank you so much!! We want you to be pampered since you've pampered me!" instead of "GTFO, you're driving us crazy!"
Post by mrscreanium on Jul 24, 2014 23:39:16 GMT -5
My mom stayed with us for 2 weeks before DD was born. I was going crazy. I was induced so I told my dad, who wonderfully came and took my mom to a local hotel, that EVERYTHING was about to change for H and I and I wanted just a quiet night at home with H before the baby came. I think you all need a break and posing it as a "this is the last few days of just H and I"would make asking her to leave a little more understandable. Maybe even book her a room at a hotel with a spa package as a thank you gift, if you can swing it, would be an awesome vacation for her and you!
Is there any way you can kick your mom out in a nice way? Tell her you have realized how stressful it is taking care of you, and it wasn't fair of you to expect her to be your primary caregiver for so long. Let her know you've got things from here, and you want her to get a little R&R so she can enjoy the baby whenever you go into labor. As PP suggested, maybe get her a spa GC or something.
I am with @domerjen and others. Girl, throw some money at the problem.
First, your mom will be gone this weekend YAY
Do two things: 1) Set her up for a spa day on Monday or Tuesday at a nearby spa. Work with them so they schedule the appointments juuust far enough apart so it will keep her occupied newrly all day. Start with a facial, 30/45 mins later, do a facial, 30/45 mins later, pedicure! Done. 2) get some cleaners in, "omg we had a remaining credit and had to use it by July 30 ZOMG so conveninet right mom!?" 3) if you really want to get bold - throw her into a hotel through your due date. With my mom, I could absolutely see us ending up in the connundrum that you are in. Something like, Mom, let's give each other a little space. The local Marriott/ Hilton / whatever was running a summer special and I booked you in for 3 days so we could chill a bit - but I would love to have you dinner on Tuesday to hear about spa day, and we'll have the guest room all ready for you again when you are back on Thursday, yadda yadda.....
You are 35 weeks? If you go late are you mentally prepared to have her with you for two more months? This is also very important time between you and your h. these are the last few free moments you're going to have for a very long time and personally I think it should be spent enjoying the quiet, having special dinners with your h, resting, reading whatever you want to do that can't be done easily when you have a family.
Personally I guess I'm in the camp of sending her home for a bit and figuring out how you're going to get help, sounds like it will ease up if you aren't working.
Also, are there ANY other "getting ready for baby" things thatyou guys can do together? As a non-mom this is a totally ignorant question, but....could you organize the nursery, double check your hospital bag (again I have NO IDEA), prep for the supplies you will need, review some books together from the library about parenting???!
All I know is from my SIL, when she was in last few days of pregnancy, her mom was all over the place with doing final preps, talking about how she got throughthe first few months, yadda yadda.
Not to mention that if I just had someone sitting around my house waiting for me to go into labor I would probably lose my shit. I had both children at almost 42 weeks and I was driving myself crazy let alone having my mom up my ass.