Parenting Advice Please..

[chchchia]

All:
I am at a loss as to what to do.  Last night, my husband and I caught my 16 year old after he had snuck out, I want to nip this in the bud, however, I am afraid it is deeper than I thought and I don't know what to do. 
He was up with me last night and he asked if he could rent a movie, I said yes.  We started watching it and around 1130 I went to bed.  My husband went to work around 9 and came home around 130, much earlier than expected and discovered my son's bike gone and he had locked his room door and left the house unlocked, which is scary enough in itself. 
We called my son and told him to get home asap.  He did and then he told us he has done this one other time (bullshit flag on that one, one other time you are admitting to), and he looked high to me.  I am flipping out.  He did not smell of alcohol or marijuana, so now I am scared to death it is much worse.
He is my eldest so I am bound to make mistakes but I don't know what to do and I hate feeling this way.  I am scared to death of drugs and I thought by having him play sports and do well in school (both of which he does) he would not be around it, I am not saying he is an angel either, he previous misdeeds have always been dealt with, now I am afraid he has been allowed too much lattitude. 
I feel helpless and angry at myself for feeling helpless.  I was not around drugs and if I knew or even know anyone that does drugs, I am not aware. 

Please help, no flames but I don't care if it is tough love.  TIA.

[luckyval]

First off, you're not helpless and it seems like you're doing something right because he's doing well in school and is staying involved in sports. If that were slipping, I'd be more concerned.

Luckily you caught this before it became a bigger problem in his life.

Obviously, he's grounded.

I would suggest talking to one of his coaches about this. If there's a coach that he really looks up to, see if they would sit down with him and talk about this kind of reckless behavior. I feel like, at 16, there's only so much a parent can say and it's not always going to have the impact you want it to.

[peachdragon]

Oh that sucks, I'm so sorry. I don't have much advice, but I think the first thing I would do would be to have him drug tested, to see what I was up against.

Take the bike away.

[revolution]

First, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Drugs and alcohol don't care what social group you are in. I was in band, chorus, sports and AP classes and had easy access to drugs and alcohol. They really are everywhere.

The sneaking out would piss me off. I would get the loud alarms and out them in all doors and windows. And lock his bike up somewhere he can't get to it. And possibly take his bedroom door off.

As for drugs or alcohol, you can't be positive right now. Did you ask him? I'd be tempted to get an at home drug test and test him myself if you honestly suspect he is doing drugs.

Good luck.

[CloudBee]

I wouldn't assumed he lied about only one other time. Give him some credit for even admitting that.

Do you two have an open relationship? Did you ask what he had taken or why he appeared under the influence?

Removing his door is extreme, IMO. Kids need privacy even when they've done wrong (IMO), and closing his door doesn't really hide whether he's in the house or not. Especially now that he has a history of leaving without permission. I would establish a new rule. "2 knocks and no answer = parent has permission to enter your room".

I like the suggestion above about speaking with one of his coaches or other adult in his life he may have a strong relationship with, though I might be hesitant. Could that cause problems with removal from a team sport when you aren't even sure if he's using anything?  Though I would only consider this route if you don't think he'll open up to you.

Talk, talk, talk. Be real with him. Even share some of your own past to get him to open up. It's natural for kids to want to try substances, but it needs to be made clear that he 1) can't leave the house without permission, and 2) you have no tolerance for substance abuse.

[CloudBee]

Jul 25, 2014 10:57:30 GMT -5 Que? said:

Do NOT arbitrarily test an otherwise good kid for drugs. You'll lose any ground you have with him. He needs to trust you, and you need to show him that you understand that he's still a kid who needs guidance, but not total authority.

Agreed.  He's already admitted to leaving the house in the MOTN in the past.  He could have played the "1st time" game with you.  He did not.

[chchchia]

Thanks guys. Yes he is being punished. I am freaking so bad. Drugs scare the hell out of me and I know they do not disciminate.
He does like his baseball coach, good idea, we will ask him to talk to him. He pulled a 3.2 GPA for the year.
We searched his room and found nothing, we will be purchasing a drug test from CVS. I am scared to death and wondering what the fuck did I do. We have had so many personal family crisis' this year maybe he slipped through the cracks??
I have zero experience with this and I wasn't a goody goody and still never snuck out and never did drugs.
I am praying so hard this is a kid sneaking out to be with friends and not sneaking out to get high. I am so paranoid about this.
This is why no one should ever watch intervention. Perfectly normal people one day, drug addicts the next.
I need talked down off this ledge.

[chchchia]

We didn't remove his door, I would be about 100% sure when I say we would never do that b/c I beleive no matter what you've done, you still deserve privacy, but I don't think I can I AM 100% sure on that b/c we have not gotten there.
So you guys say No on the drug test, okay, I have to rethink that then.
Why doesn't this shit come with a manual?

[CloudBee]

Don't test him! You have no evidence.

He was out late. My eyes get red when I'm over-tired.

I was a great kid and even I snuck out of the house. Most kids do it at some point. And he was on a bike!

[CloudBee]

Does he know you searched his room?

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 10:59:32 GMT -5 chchchia said:

Thanks guys. Yes he is being punished. I am freaking so bad. Drugs scare the hell out of me and I know they do not disciminate.
He does like his baseball coach, good idea, we will ask him to talk to him. He pulled a 3.2 GPA for the year.
We searched his room and found nothing, we will be purchasing a drug test from CVS. I am scared to death and wondering what the fuck did I do. We have had so many personal family crisis' this year maybe he slipped through the cracks??
I have zero experience with this and I wasn't a goody goody and still never snuck out and never did drugs.
I am praying so hard this is a kid sneaking out to be with friends and not sneaking out to get high. I am so paranoid about this.
This is why no one should ever watch intervention. Perfectly normal people one day, drug addicts the next.
I need talked down off this ledge.

Listen to people here giving you good advice. You're talking about drug testing your child, telling a mentor he respects that he is in need of straightening up, and otherwise reinforcing this notion that your kid is bad. When the only thing you are sure of is that he snuck out to be with friends at night.

Get a hold of yourself! Drugs are scary but you have a good kid. Start with that.

[schitzengiggles]

Ground him, talk to him, but don't jump to conclusions. I was a bit of a rebel in high school (including sneaking out) and I definitely deserved to be grounded every time I was. But I will never forget the time I came home from a football game and my mom freaked out, insisting that I looked high and something was up with my eyes. Like she was practically crying and yelling at me.

I hadn't touched a thing.

That little experience certainly did not help our relationship or my future behavior. And while I've obviously "forgiven" her by now, that whole conversation is still vivid in my mind. That isn't to say you should keep your eyes open - just don't automatically always assume the worst.

[VeryViolet]

I am probably under-reacting because I don't have a 16yo but this one incident wouldn't cause me to think there was something seriously wrong. I am not saying just let it go. He needs to be punished and know that he has lost trust and he will need to earn it back by not being a jackass.

I was a good kid but I still snuck out and got drunk (pot wasn't my thing until college). I got caught once and got in trouble. I also got good grades, communicated with my parents, participated in extra-curriculars, etc. I was pushing boundaries and I think that is pretty normal for kids.

[CloudBee]

Jul 25, 2014 11:04:57 GMT -5 @missusbee said:

Jul 25, 2014 10:59:32 GMT -5 chchchia said:

Listen to people here giving you good advice. You're talking about drug testing your child, telling a mentor he respects that he is in need of straightening up, and otherwise reinforcing this notion that your kid is bad. When the only thing you are sure of is that he snuck out to be with friends at night.

 

I'm only onboard with this is she can't get him to open up.  And I wouldn't want said mentor to tell him to straighten up.  Rather, talk about the importance of staying on a smart path in a casual conversation.  Not pointed or accusatory.

[chchchia]

Thanks for talking me down.
Believe it or not, I am actually in counseling for being over vigilant with my kids b/c I was molested at age 7 and I freak out if I don't know every aspect of everything and if you all only knew the restraint I held when he started going out with friends and not me. I think this is why I am so stressed.
Okay, so no test. Door stays on. He is being punished and I will rethink (although I really like it) the idea of talking to the baseball coach b/c of possible blowback.
Deep breath. He is a good good and the last thing I would want is for anyone to think he is not.
I tend to go from 0-1000 thinking of all the things that could go wrong or have gone wrong. ARGHHH, sane people talk to me.

[Deleted]

My mom used to say she didn't need to snoop. She could tell just by spending time with us whether we were going in a good direction or not. If your kid is otherwise happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, then give him the benefit of the doubt that he was sneaking out for fun and not to do heroin or something. To an extent your kids behavior is normal.

[chchchia]

Jul 25, 2014 11:06:29 GMT -5 Que? said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:03:35 GMT -5 chchchia said:

We didn't remove his door, I would be about 100% sure when I say we would never do that b/c I beleive no matter what you've done, you still deserve privacy, but I don't think I can I AM 100% sure on that b/c we have not gotten there.
So you guys say No on the drug test, okay, I have to rethink that then.
Why doesn't this shit come with a manual?

You keep saying 'what did I do' and making it about you. I understand that feeling but whatever you do, don't say that to him. He's a teenager, and he needs you to understand that he's his own person, making his own choices.
You're obviously a great Mom, you can still trust the instincts that got you this far.

Thank you and good point. 
I am jsut wondering where my instincts were when he snuck out the first time or if it were the first time.  We have been through hell as a family this year and I feel like maybe he thinks he slipped through the cracks.  I gotta stop thinking about this.  I am just scared. 

[underwaterrhymes]

Trust and communication between parents and kids are critical.

Kids are going to do things you don't want them to. YOUR kid is going to do things you don't want him to. But your kid talks to you and that means you can have frank discussions about things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. That makes such a big difference in the kinds of choices he will make. He is still going to make mistakes, but if he trusts you and feels he can talk to you about things, you will at least be better equipped to help him make decisions or to handle the consequences of his choices.

[revolution]

Jul 25, 2014 11:08:17 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Jul 25, 2014 10:47:41 GMT -5 revolution said:

I would get the loud alarms and out them in all doors and windows. And lock his bike up somewhere he can't get to it. And possibly take his bedroom door off.

Holy crap.  For real?  I'm not a parent, but Jesus.  This seems mucho extremo.  He's 16!

Well, I am usually pretty breezy about parenting. But obviously sneaking out is a hot button for me and I didn't realize that. Like, it is a way to lose my trust after 1 time. So maybe I should tuck this thread in the back of my head for when I have to deal with a teenager sneaking out. 

[Deleted]

I get it, and I had a similar childhood experience and I am going to be a total nutter when my kids start going off on their own. I think you should get in with your therapist and talk this over. This is a trigger for you, and that is why you are having the emotional reaction that you are. ((hugs))

I like the advice of sitting on this before handing down the drug test and talking to his mentor.

Just talk to him. Share you concerns, not in an accusatory manner, but from a loving and caring place.

[chchchia]

You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what?
I want my baby back.

[chchchia]

Jul 25, 2014 11:15:46 GMT -5 calamity said:

I get it, and I had a similar childhood experience and I am going to be a total nutter when my kids start going off on their own. I think you should get in with your therapist and talk this over. This is a trigger for you, and that is why you are having the emotional reaction that you are. ((hugs))

I like the advice of sitting on this before handing down the drug test and talking to his mentor.

Just talk to him. Share you concerns, not in an accusatory manner, but from a loving and caring place.

I am sitting at work almost having a panic attack and crying.  I am so afraid of losing him or something bad happening. 
I have an appointment with my counselor on tuesday which was already scheduled.  Maybe I need to make it sooner.

[chchchia]

Jul 25, 2014 11:16:21 GMT -5 Que? said:

How is your H in the over vigilance department? Maybe you need him to take over for a minute.

I have to give you props, I have anxiety too and I have no idea how it will affect me being able to let go. I say all of this as a parent of a three year old, so grain of salt, lol. I think it's awesome that you're confronting it head on within yourself so that your kid can have a normal life, and not going all revolution style and locking him in a safe room. I can see how this would be tempting tho.

Thanks, and I think you are right, he is much calmer about these things than I am.  Maybe I need to take a step back. 

[mrsjuleshs]

The above ladies have given you great advice (well those that didn't get all prison warden anyways). Parenting teenagers is the TOTAL suck! It is so hard to let them start to really become their own person with their own lives. They are gonna do stupid shit (like sneaking out) and all we can do is try our best to steer them in the right direction. It is good that you have open communication with him. My daughter is very open with me, sometimes a bit too open, and I think it really makes a difference when they can trust you as a mentor.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 11:17:53 GMT -5 chchchia said:

You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what?
I want my baby back.

They reach an age when they just want independence and privacy.  And most likely all his friends are doing it too.

It's not a slam on you, I promise. You are not a failure because your son snuck out.  It's what kids do!

((hugs))

[chchchia]

Jul 25, 2014 11:21:40 GMT -5 calamity said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:17:53 GMT -5 chchchia said:

You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what?
I want my baby back.

They reach an age when they just want independence and privacy.  And most likely all his friends are doing it too.

It's not a slam on you, I promise. You are not a failure because your son snuck out.  It's what kids do!

((hugs))

Aaaww thanks. 

[chchchia]

Jul 25, 2014 11:22:17 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:17:53 GMT -5 chchchia said:

You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what?
I want my baby back.

It really seems like you've done/are doing an excellent job. The thing is, you talked about all those things and that's wonderful ... but you talked about them knowing they were going to come up and you wouldn't be there when they did. Right? What use is a sex and drugs talk if not for him to fall back on when these real-world situations come up and you're not with him? This is exactly what that is. Kids still need to experience these things alone, for themselves, without parents holding their hands.

Thank you.  You are right and I don't even know what I was thinking in that I probably never thought, okay we will have these talks and he will never do them.  Of course he will do some of them and you are right, he will do them without me. 

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 11:17:53 GMT -5 chchchia said:

You know the worst part is, I always thought we were open. I always told him if he were in a jam, I wold always be there for him, I am not his friend, there would be consequneces to his actions, but I would never not be there. We have done the sex talk, the alcohol talk and the drug talk, it just seems like we did all the checks and now what?
I want my baby back.

But... maybe he's NOT in a jam? Maybe he's just doing normal teenage things; pushing boundaries and testing his limits and whatnot. If you guys have had a tough year, maybe he's just trying to blow off some steam too?

He doesn't sound like some meth-head junkie burnout! He sounds like a good kid! You really need to relax and stop thinking of this as "WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?!" and tell him you're STILL here for him if he gets in a jam, you still want to trust him, and that he can tell you anything without you flipping the hell out.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 11:19:55 GMT -5 chchchia said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:15:46 GMT -5 calamity said:

I get it, and I had a similar childhood experience and I am going to be a total nutter when my kids start going off on their own. I think you should get in with your therapist and talk this over. This is a trigger for you, and that is why you are having the emotional reaction that you are. ((hugs))

I like the advice of sitting on this before handing down the drug test and talking to his mentor.

Just talk to him. Share you concerns, not in an accusatory manner, but from a loving and caring place.

I am sitting at work almost having a panic attack and crying.  I am so afraid of losing him or something bad happening. 
I have an appointment with my counselor on tuesday which was already scheduled.  Maybe I need to make it sooner.

Deep breaths.  It will be okay, I promise.

I would try and get in sooner, or see if the counselor can do a phone session with you.  Mine has always been awesome in "times of crisis"

Sometimes it helps me to NOT feel like a crazy person to just note the feelings I'm having.  Like, yup I'm scared because I am worried my son is on drugs.  TOTALLY NORMAL RESPONSE.  Any parent would feel that way. 

Or hey, I'm SAD because my son broke my trust and I thought we were closer.  Totally normal.

Acknowledge the feelings as rational, but don't focus on them.  Just yep, I feel this way.  Yep, it's normal.  Lots of people do this.  I'll be okay!

Deep breaths. 

I don't know if any of this helps, just trying to share what works with my crazy anxious self.

[definitelyO]

I agree with being careful about talking to his coach. that backfired on my friend - her DD was on a crew team and got kicked off b/c mom asked the coach to talk with her DD about pot and told coach that she caught her DD smoking.

It sounds like you do a LOT right and kids are going to push - regardless of their grades/crowd, etc... you have a lot of good advice here.

it is HARD being a parent. ((hugs))