A Living Situation WWYD? (LONG) - update on page 2

[turtlegirl]

Backstory: We moved in with my parents back in early May while we were selling our house. House closed late June. We still haven't found another house, so 3 months later (May, June, July) we are still living with my parents. We've put offers in on 2 houses and have been out-bid. The market in our area has pretty low inventory in our price range and it's definitely a sellers market. 

Overall, I think we are doing ok. Yes, I'm anxious to find a new house and want it to happen as soon as possible. But I also feel pretty "at home" here since this is the house I grew up in, etc.

However, DH is pretty miserable. He thought we would find another house right way and this whole "living with the IL's" thing would just last a month or two at the longest for him. He tells me it's not my parents (we all get along pretty well) or the anything specific like butting heads over one big issue, just that he wants his own space. He wants to get back into a fairly normal routine, commute, etc with work and the kids. He's really independent and hates feeling like a "mooch" (which is a good quality to have, I think). 

WWYD? KOKO here for however long it takes (my parents have said take all the time we need). We are being pretty picky about what we want in a house since we hope this is our "forever home". Or move out into an apartment? 

DH wants to explore the apartment/rental option some more. I want to just wait it out. 

A 2 bedroom apartment in our area is about $1200-$1300/month (a few hundred less than our old mortgage) but I'm worried about finding a place that will allow month-to-month lease and take our 80lb dog. The logistics of getting some, but not everything, out of our storage unit in into an apartment only to have to move it all over again gives me a headache.  So does apartment living with 2 toddlers and a dog. DS1 also starts preschool in early September for the first time and I'm worried about his going through way too many transitions/adjustments at the same time (he's never had structured daycare/school type experience before). 

DH made it pretty clear last night that he wants to at least explore the option of renting more and really hash out the pros/cons timeline of everything. We have a date night tonight and I'm sure it's going to be the topic of conversation at dinner. So fun and romantic, right? Just trying to get some outside perspective/thoughts fleshed out before we talk about it more. 

Might a bit of a post and run since I'm about to take the boys to the park/library story time. But I'll try to pop back in on my phone and respond soon. 

[soozy87]

I would find a place as soon as possible. I am also a person who enjoys my own space. If you think it could be 6+ months before there is a house on the market that you love and you can afford, in my opinion, that is way to long to live with the ILs.

[curbsideprophet]

I can understand your DH's frustration but bothering with a rental seems like a waste of time/money at this point. I would not want to add another move into the picture. I think I would focus more on your house search. Is there something you can compromise on to give you more options (location, # of bedrooms or bathrooms, can you increase the budget at all, etc). Are you using a realtor?

Unless you think it will take a year or more to find something, I would be hesitant to bother with renting.

[IrishBelle]

Given the facts that its a sellers market in your area and you have specific things you want in this house, I would explore the idea of renting while focusing more on the house search. Set a deadline and if you haven't found a house within the next month of so, you'll rent until you do. What about subletting if its allowed in your area or housing that is geared towards short term rentals?

[brooklyn]

Could you rent a place and leave your dog with your parents until you but a new house?

[dulcemariamar]

I would stay with my parents. Who wants to move twice? Plus, would you have to pay movers or do it on your own?

I would love to have an extra set of hands andyour kids must love living with their grandparents. Can you pay rent or help with the bills?

[BAMFMrsB]

Jul 25, 2014 11:28:59 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I would stay with my parents. Who wants to move twice? Plus, would you have to pay movers or do it on your own?

I would love to have an extra set of hands andyour kids must love living with their grandparents. Can you pay rent or help with the bills?

For reals. Moving THRICE?! Hell no. NO NO NO. Tell him he can find a (non-moving) solution, but there is no way I would move to a rental THEN a house because he doesn't like being a moocher. He could do all the IL's yard work, or laundry, or cooking until you find a home, you know?

[justjen]

If he's really unhappy, I think you have to respect that and look into other options.

[sunshine608]

I'd stay and save the money. I know it's a PITA! I've been there before, but it's not worth the money or the stress of moving.

[Arens33]

i was just in the same situation and i def say wait it out. we ended up with my parents for almost year before we were able to close on our house but it was way better than spending money on a rental, moving twice..etc. especially since there are no problems.

[AmyRI]

I think you owe it to your DH to hear him out and explore apartment living. He sounds like he's being very reasonable about this (admitting that there are pros and cons) and is requesting that you both gather more information and make an informed decision. What's wrong with that?

[ringstrue]

I say stay - BUT it might make him feel better to look at places, kwim? Just entertain the idea so he feels he can do something about the situation, and maybe before you know it you'll have an offer accepted and you wont have to rent. DH and I were in a similar situation and we looked at places to rent in-between house showings too.

[cayl]

I would look into apartments just so that you have the information. To get a short-term, month by month lease might be very difficult and cost-prohibitive anyway, especially with a pet. I would rather look into it and find that out and have my H agree that it doesn't make sense then push back and have him be uncomfortable and bitter about where you're living. FWIW, I would imagine that when the day comes that we can sell our condo we'll live with my IL's until we find a house and I know both H and I will be unhappy because we like our space and privacy so I get how he feels. But in my mind it would make more sense to save up more for the new house then to waste it on rent, even if it means short-term unhappiness.

[Brie]

Honestly, I'd just recommit to the house search and really try to go at it 110%. Maybe look for a new realtor with a fresh perspective?

Moving again would be a PITA, especially with kids having to readjust.

[cricketwife]

I would explore the pros and cons of moving to an apt as he requested and set a deadline to be out of your parents' place one way or another. Just Bc youare happy doesn't mean you can continue indefinitely like this. Your H is unhappy. That is important.

[zarapipe]

Jul 25, 2014 11:53:09 GMT -5 Brie said:

Honestly, I'd just recommit to the house search and really try to go at it 110%. Maybe look for a new realtor with a fresh perspective?

Moving again would be a PITA, especially with kids having to readjust.

This.

If he needs some family time could you guys commit to doing a weekend away every month until you have your own place? With the kids/without/same city/a few hours away, whatever. I know even taking a "vacation" away in the next town over even in the same brings everyone together, at least with my DH and DD.

[turtlegirl]

We are using a realtor. It's one of our very good friends (DS2 godfather actually). He definitely gets DH's frustration and us doing everything he can (looking at old listings taken off the market, calling other realtors and seeing if anything is coming up soon, etc.).

I know of a smaller apartment complex nearby that has tiny "yards" with it. Maybe I'll stop by there after story time and at least get some info from them.

I am really concerned about DH and his feelings. He's usually pretty good about "sucking it up" in crappy situations. But he is going crazy. And his pissy mood all the time is wearing on me and the kids.

I will cut a check for my mom today to go towards utilities.

[turtlegirl]

And I think a deadline for an apartment might be a good idea.

Maybe we'll chat with our realtor this weekend too and see what he thinks a good deadline would be.

[turtlegirl]

Jul 25, 2014 11:59:40 GMT -5 zarapipe said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:53:09 GMT -5 Brie said:

Honestly, I'd just recommit to the house search and really try to go at it 110%. Maybe look for a new realtor with a fresh perspective?

Moving again would be a PITA, especially with kids having to readjust.

This.

If he needs some family time could you guys commit to doing a weekend away every month until you have your own place? With the kids/without/same city/a few hours away, whatever. I know even taking a "vacation" away in the next town over even in the same brings everyone together, at least with my DH and DD.

We are going on a beach vacation in August. And earlier this month I went to visit a friend and brought DS1 with Mr and he got some alone time with DS2 (my parents were out of town).

DS1 said he wanted to go camping with daddy this week. So maybe they can do a boys weekend away soon too.

The other annoying thing is that DH hates weekend trips. Traveling just 2 hours away for a weekend is like pulling teeth with him. He prefers long vacations (don't we all?).

[pescalita]

Your options suck. I think it's a good plan to sit together and really hash out pros and cons and realistically talk about the timeline of buying a new house now that you're a few months in.

If I were your husband (and I get where he's coming from) it would make a big difference to me whether the right house is right around the corner, or whether we're just biding our time and waiting for the perfect thing to fall in our lap.

[turtlegirl]

OK. I'm done being MOTY messing around on my phone while at the park with my kids. I'm sure I'm being judged by all the other parents here actively engaging with their perfect kids. LOL.

Off to story time at the library.

[mrshandy]

If it your H really is that miserable, you should definitely start looking at rentals.

Good luck. I hope something comes up soon.

[madringal]

Team DH. I think a lot of you would be singing another tune if she was saying she wanted to get out of her IL's and her DH wanted to stay for God knows how long.

[elcjet]

Give your husband what he wants and lay out the side-by-side comparison of living in an apartment vs. your parents. Perhaps a few more months of savings could give you further buying power......and that would be enough to keep him calm?

It does suck not having a place of your own, but also understand that right now people are fighting to buy houses before school starts. I think that over the next month or two, things should calm down a LITTLE bit and maybe you won't have that bidding war environment. (And if you do, you can sweeten it up a little with a quick close and a little extra cash!)

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2014 11:09:44 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

I can understand your DH's frustration but bothering with a rental seems like a waste of time/money at this point. I would not want to add another move into the picture. I think I would focus more on your house search. Is there something you can compromise on to give you more options (location, # of bedrooms or bathrooms, can you increase the budget at all, etc). Are you using a realtor?

Unless you think it will take a year or more to find something, I would be hesitant to bother with renting.

turtlegirl I completely agree with all of this. Moving into a rental now would be a waste of money IMHO. It's a ton of $$$ to move, let alone do it twice.

It sounds like DH doesn't necessary want to leave ASAP, but he does want a plan to be out of his ILs house. So I would also focus on your house search. We had been looking for our "forever home" for several months and are THRILLED to have found it, but we had to compromise on several features. Rather than wasting time and money on moving, I would talk with your Hubbie tonight and make a plan to get out of your parents house. Decide what house features you can compromise on in order to get a bigger selection of homes. Aggressively stalk a house app like Redfin, we toured our house the DAY it came on the market and put in an offer the next day. Think of how you can make your next offer stronger (offer to pay your own closing costs, waive some contingency, offer $5k cash upfront for selecting your offer). I think coming up with a plan will make you both feel better.

[gibbinator]

Maybe get a hotel room a couple times a month? Leave the kids with the grandparents. Cheaper than renting and call it date night, or send him by himself so he gets a night of space? Might be enough to give him a break.

[turtlegirl]

Jul 25, 2014 13:46:21 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Jul 25, 2014 11:09:44 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

I can understand your DH's frustration but bothering with a rental seems like a waste of time/money at this point. I would not want to add another move into the picture. I think I would focus more on your house search. Is there something you can compromise on to give you more options (location, # of bedrooms or bathrooms, can you increase the budget at all, etc). Are you using a realtor?

Unless you think it will take a year or more to find something, I would be hesitant to bother with renting.

turtlegirl I completely agree with all of this. Moving into a rental now would be a waste of money IMHO. It's a ton of $$$ to move, let alone do it twice.

It sounds like DH doesn't necessary want to leave ASAP, but he does want a plan to be out of his ILs house. So I would also focus on your house search. We had been looking for our "forever home" for several months and are THRILLED to have found it, but we had to compromise on several features. Rather than wasting time and money on moving, I would talk with your Hubbie tonight and make a plan to get out of your parents house. Decide what house features you can compromise on in order to get a bigger selection of homes. Aggressively stalk a house app like Redfin, we toured our house the DAY it came on the market and put in an offer the next day. Think of how you can make your next offer stronger (offer to pay your own closing costs, waive some contingency, offer $5k cash upfront for selecting your offer). I think coming up with a plan will make you both feel better.

We check new listings everyday and are trying to be on top of it as possible
Lots of places here are listing during the week with no showings until the open house on the weekend and getting all the offers in at once so they can pick and choose the strongest one. We offered to pay our closing costs and 1k over the asking price last time and got out bid by 10k. Ugh. It was an amazing house too!

So frustrating!

[turtlegirl]

Jul 25, 2014 13:19:16 GMT -5 madringal said:

Team DH. I think a lot of you would be singing another tune if she was saying she wanted to get out of her IL's and her DH wanted to stay for God knows how long.

To me that is the frustrating part. He claims it's not an IL issue. Just I need my own space/life issue. Which is totally valid also, I know. I told him last night that I get how hard it is for him and I'm really sorry he's struggling.

We just can't agree because the stress of moving everything a bunch of times and transitioning the kids multiple times is worse for me than staying here. He claims that all that isn't a big deal co.pared to getting his own space back.

He's got a classic car and a motorcycle in my parents garage right now and we have some random boxes here too. So having our stuff here, in storage AND a tiny apartment stresses me out!

[turtlegirl]

Jul 25, 2014 11:26:59 GMT -5 brooklyn said:

Could you rent a place and leave your dog with your parents until you but a new house?

I think we all would hate that. We LOVE our dog and we would miss him too much. To me that's like asking me to leave a kid behind (yes I'm crazy).

[Velar Fricative]

I absolutely think you need to at least look into rentals - check out the listings, see a few apartments, etc. Maybe there aren't great options out there and your DH may warm up to staying with your family a little while longer, but maybe a great apartment will come up. Moving sucks but I'd at least consider the rental option.

We're going to be the same situation soon with having to live with the ILs for maybe a month or two but the market isn't too bad and we're already pretty close to finding a house (we think). My personal preference would be to wait it out and not rent but because your DH really has a strong opinion here, I would look around.