Balancing career and family as a woman of color

[orangeblossom]

Excellent article. I think it speaks to so many things that we've tried to say here, but with actual data for some aspects of the story.

Thanks for sharing.

[anonymous]

I will read this tomorrow when I've had less wine. I read about half when I realized it was too long and there was too Much for me to read right now. My first reaction is just to feel so sorry. Like so terribly sorry about how things are in this country. I do face challenges as an executive level white working mother and I feel really shirty for not realizing that minorities in my position had more issues (besides the issue of 'they only got here b/c they are a minority' which of course is so awful on it's own. I honestly did not get that there are additional issues on Top of that that are unique to minorities. Any my husband is an executive level minority. So my initial reaction is to feel like an ass

[aurora]

I am aghast that someone would actually say she wouldn't work for a non-white family. I know there are lots of racists out there, but to admit it so blatantly, ugh.

I do think the gender equality conversation has largely targeted white women. I wonder if that is partly because white women have more power to be heard?

[NitaX]

Jul 26, 2014 20:42:22 GMT -5 aurora said:

I am aghast that someone would actually say she wouldn't work for a non-white family. I know there are lots of racists out there, but to admit it so blatantly, ugh.

I do think the gender equality conversation has largely targeted white women. I wonder if that is partly because white women have more power to be heard?

I don't feel like this is a "power to be heard" thing. I think it largely boils down to the fact that the issues facing WOC are simply overlooked. No one cares about the issues I face with trying ensure I not only tell my daughter people will assume she can't do something because she's a girl, but she has to contend with several other "fast tail girl" labels that assume she's going to be knocked up around age 15 because's she's BLACK and female. 

Or that Beyonce can't be a feminist because she can't possibly be one because she's married to a guy who helped take her career to the next level. But, the very next breath if she were unwed, she's be a classic image of black women who can't control their hormones aka slut puppy.

That's not about being heard, it's about having to combat labels from people who don't want to hear whatever the hell you have to say anyway.

[cookiemdough]

Finally.

[Deleted]

So let's think about why we don't have the power to be heard.

I'll give you a hint. Because no one fucking cares.

It reminds me of the line from the R Kelly article, that no one cares what happens to black women.

[aurora]

Jul 26, 2014 21:09:56 GMT -5 NitaX said:

Jul 26, 2014 20:42:22 GMT -5 aurora said:

I am aghast that someone would actually say she wouldn't work for a non-white family. I know there are lots of racists out there, but to admit it so blatantly, ugh.

I do think the gender equality conversation has largely targeted white women. I wonder if that is partly because white women have more power to be heard?

I don't feel like this is a "power to be heard" thing. I think it largely boils down to the fact that the issues facing WOC are simply overlooked. No one cares about the issues I face with trying ensure I not only tell my daughter people will assume she can't do something because she's a girl, but she has to contend with several other "fast tail girl" labels that assume she's going to be knocked up around age 15 because's she's BLACK and female. 

Or that Beyonce can't be a feminist because she can't possibly be one because she's married to a guy who helped take her career to the next level. But, the very next breath if she were unwed, she's be a classic image of black women who can't control their hormones aka slut puppy.

That's not about being heard, it's about having to combat labels from people who don't want to hear whatever the hell you have to say anyway.

Thank you for that perspective - it helps me to understand. I hate that you have to help your daughter make her way in a world where people will assume she'll be knocked up by 15.

[iammalcolmx]

NitaX there are no words to describe how much I fucking hate the word "fast" . I don't even know where to start to describe my hate for that word. Someone at my Mom office at the govt , who had never met me, said to her "I bet your daughter is going to be fast" . My Mom read her the riot act and when she met me she changed her tune. This happened 25 years ago and my Mom is still angry about it. 

[NitaX]

Jul 26, 2014 21:45:53 GMT -5 aurora said:

Jul 26, 2014 21:09:56 GMT -5 NitaX said:

I don't feel like this is a "power to be heard" thing. I think it largely boils down to the fact that the issues facing WOC are simply overlooked. No one cares about the issues I face with trying ensure I not only tell my daughter people will assume she can't do something because she's a girl, but she has to contend with several other "fast tail girl" labels that assume she's going to be knocked up around age 15 because's she's BLACK and female. 

Or that Beyonce can't be a feminist because she can't possibly be one because she's married to a guy who helped take her career to the next level. But, the very next breath if she were unwed, she's be a classic image of black women who can't control their hormones aka slut puppy.

That's not about being heard, it's about having to combat labels from people who don't want to hear whatever the hell you have to say anyway.

Thank you for that perspective - it helps me to understand. I hate that you have to help your daughter make her way in a world where people will assume she'll be knocked up by 15.

Black Folks have been having the "Talk" with our kids for so long that I never think about being sorry that I must have these discussions. If she's to be well rounded and can walk the line of both worlds, then I must have it with her so that she's not siting around crying over all the slights that will be handed out in the world.

I remember having to explain to my sister's MIL that my sis wasn't mean. (her MIL is white) She's independent. She's not going to come running to you for help. That's not how back women are raised. You find a way to power through things despite being exhausted. You don't have time to feel sorry for yourself, you get up and do it. Trying to explain this to a white woman whose self worth is wrapped up in being needed by her family was plain odd. Homegirl never did manage to understand my sister. *smh*

[Deleted]

If you try to explain to white folks your way of thinking, a way pressed upon you by generations of people who faced the same challenges, by decades of a society that already has preconceived notions of what you are, who you will be, you are thought of as exaggerating, blowing it out of proportion, playing the race card, or being unable to let go of the past.

And I actually have a really good example of this. As most of you know, I was recently house shopping for a new place to rent. People at my church was asking me how it was going and I mentioned that there were some prospects in a neighboring county but that I was nervous about moving there because I've heard that the county is rather racially divided. Some people frowned and said they hadn't thought of that, didn't think it was that serious. My youth pastor was very upset. He lives in that county and said he'd NEVER NEVER experienced such a thing and I'm totally wrong.

When I announced that I moved out there, everyone was all, oh, you'll love the school district, you'll see. I tried to explain that I wasn't concerned about academics as much as race. I was given the brush off and my youth pastor still insisted it's not that way out here.

Today, not a mile from my house, I drove by one of those roadside stands. You know the kind. Some sell produce, rugs, 1000 count sheets. This one sold Confederate flags. One of the flags had the stars and bars on one side and Obama's face on the other.

Part of me was upset to see it at all. A larger part of me was angry that I had voiced this problem to a number of people but made to feel I merely had a bad impression of the area.

I should mention that this isn't the only time I've seen the confederate flag since I moved out here. There is a house just a wee bit down the road that has two well worn confederate flags nailed to their actual house. Just before my road, there is a huge ass one mounted on a pole, all nice and installed on a proper flagpole cemented into the ground, a decorate pole that has a little length of chain around it, kind of the way you might see it around a flag at a city park.

But again, I don't know what I'm talking about, right? I have no reason to worry for my children when they go to school this year. None at all.

[rugbywife]

Jul 26, 2014 22:16:49 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

If you try to explain to white folks your way of thinking, a way pressed upon you by generations of people who faced the same challenges, by decades of a society that already has preconceived notions of what you are, who you will be, you are thought of as exaggerating, blowing it out of proportion, playing the race card, or being unable to let go of the past.

And I actually have a really good example of this. As most of you know, I was recently house shopping for a new place to rent. People at my church was asking me how it was going and I mentioned that there were some prospects in a neighboring county but that I was nervous about moving there because I've heard that the county is rather racially divided. Some people frowned and said they hadn't thought of that, didn't think it was that serious. My youth pastor was very upset. He lives in that county and said he'd NEVER NEVER experienced such a thing and I'm totally wrong.

When I announced that I moved out there, everyone was all, oh, you'll love the school district, you'll see. I tried to explain that I wasn't concerned about academics as much as race. I was given the brush off and my youth pastor still insisted it's not that way out here.

Today, not a mile from my house, I drove by one of those roadside stands. You know the kind. Some sell produce, rugs, 1000 count sheets. This one sold Confederate flags. One of the flags had the stars and bars on one side and Obama's face on the other.

Part of me was upset to see it at all. A larger part of me was angry that I had voiced this problem to a number of people but made to feel I merely had a bad impression of the area.

I should mention that this isn't the only time I've seen the confederate flag since I moved out here. There is a house just a wee bit down the road that has two well worn confederate flags nailed to their actual house. Just before my road, there is a huge ass one mounted on a pole, all nice and installed on a proper flagpole cemented into the ground, a decorate pole that has a little length of chain around it, kind of the way you might see it around a flag at a city park.

But again, I don't know what I'm talking about, right? I have no reason to worry for my children when they go to school this year. None at all.

I think your story is a great example of 'shit we don't see'…even if a few white people did notice the flag, they probably don't 'get' why it is such a big deal. 

I can easily say this is an area of white privilege for me…your first paragraph…it says a lot.  I don't know if I can really put that kind of experience in to the perspective it deserves, if that makes any sense…I feel like saying 'I get it' would be disrespectful because the reality is that I *can't* get it, not truly.

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 26, 2014 22:06:17 GMT -5 NitaX said:

Jul 26, 2014 21:45:53 GMT -5 aurora said:

Thank you for that perspective - it helps me to understand. I hate that you have to help your daughter make her way in a world where people will assume she'll be knocked up by 15.

Black Folks have been having the "Talk" with our kids for so long that I never think about being sorry that I must have these discussions. If she's to be well rounded and can walk the line of both worlds, then I must have it with her so that she's not siting around crying over all the slights that will be handed out in the world.

I remember having to explain to my sister's MIL that my sis wasn't mean. (her MIL is white) She's independent. She's not going to come running to you for help. That's not how back women are raised. You find a way to power through things despite being exhausted. You don't have time to feel sorry for yourself, you get up and do it. Trying to explain this to a white woman whose self worth is wrapped up in being needed by her family was plain odd. Homegirl never did manage to understand my sister. *smh*

I was mainly raised by a my white father who never thought of such things (and likely wouldn't have bothered anyway). Thank god for my step mama.

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 28, 2014 12:01:53 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Jul 26, 2014 21:45:53 GMT -5 aurora said:

Thank you for that perspective - it helps me to understand. I hate that you have to help your daughter make her way in a world where people will assume she'll be knocked up by 15.

This reminds me: 
Some of the asshole private school parents placed bets on who would become a teen mom first, my sister (who is 2 years older), or me. Guess who got knocked up in high school, or before finishing college? Their kids.  Guess who has five higher education degrees? Yeah, that would be me. My sister has a MA too. Oh the muthafucking irony! 

WHO DOES THAT?!

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 28, 2014 12:05:36 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Jul 28, 2014 12:03:26 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

WHO DOES THAT?!

I'll give you one guess. 

I'm gonna take "people who need a swift kick"

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 28, 2014 12:23:42 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Jul 28, 2014 12:20:20 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

I'm gonna take "people who need a swift kick"

Between all the public shaming and chisme, they got theirs. 

It feels wierd to like this, but here I am.

[aurora]

Jul 28, 2014 12:18:58 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

aurora-my mom was looking for a sitter for us when we were kids. She needed to drop us off in the am, and we'd pick the bus up at the sitter's house.

We met a lady, went over her house, her daughter went to school with us. Perfect, right?

She called my mom back later that night and told her that her husband wouldnt allow her to watch black kids.
Great.

Ugh. I guess my conclusion for this thread overall is that people suck, and especially when it comes to race.

[aurora]

Jul 28, 2014 12:01:53 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Jul 26, 2014 21:45:53 GMT -5 aurora said:

Thank you for that perspective - it helps me to understand. I hate that you have to help your daughter make her way in a world where people will assume she'll be knocked up by 15.

This reminds me: 
Some of the asshole private school parents placed bets on who would become a teen mom first, my sister (who is 2 years older), or me. Guess who got knocked up in high school, or before finishing college? Their kids.  Guess who has five higher education degrees? Yeah, that would be me. My sister has a MA too. Oh the muthafucking irony! 

Poetic justice?

[threejs]

Thanks for sharing this. So many of her points hit so close to home for me and many of my friends..we don't talk about this stuff enough.