Would you be annoyed/ hurt?

[Deleted]

So a little while ago I posted about how I wanted to go to see Fleetwood Mac ( in September show is in Oct)for my birthday & DH wasn't onboard basically shut me down. I was really upset. Especially since he just shut me down & refused to discuss it.

So I had totally forgotten about it BUT about a month ago DH called me at work to tell me he got us GOOD seats & we would be going. I was really excited until he started bitching about the costs a few days later. He told me he spent more than he wanted because he felt like it was something I " expected". I was really upset about this & asked him to put the tickets up for sale because they weren't something we could afford.

So he puts them up for sale & they don't sell. After about a week he says he thinks selling them is stupid & he wants to go & we can afford it because he has been doing really well with overtime. Fine. I start getting excited to go and then BAM tickets sell last night. He never took them off the site like he said he did. He says he forgot.

I told him I was pissed. This is the worst way ever to give a gift & then complain to the recipient about the cost & then give it back. Thing is this is not the first time . He promised me a ring for Christmas last year & then the house needed repairs. & then suddenly it didn't really & then Christmas comes & I get some ugly necklace that he bought on clearance & it was all my fault because I told him not to spend any $$$ when the handyman told him we needed work done.

I am just hurt because he can't be trusted with his promises. Or not to do something impulsive for no reason, & them freak out later. Finally last night I was like maybe we just stop exchanging gifts. Like ever. It hurts my feelings too much & it's not working. He said I am ungrateful for the things I get & should be able to complain about how much things cost without me feeling bad.

Ugh. I am just at a loss. I told him to just make reservations for our anniversary & he refused to plan so we could go out. I think my solution of no more gifts is a good one. If I want something I will just buy it for myself.

[sapphireblue]

Hell yes I'd be annoyed and hurt.

[wambam]

Super shitty of him. I'm sorry

[lime]

We don't buy gifts for each other and that works well for us.

Is that really the issue here, though? (It might be, I'm just asking.)

If just switching to no gifts fixes the problem, then great. If not, it might be time for a counseling session or two, in case there is more to it than this.

[Jalapeñomel]

Yes. I'm sorry.

[notoriousmeg]

I would be pissed. I'm sorry.

[bab]

This is awful. I'm trying to figure out what to say but I am at a loss. It seems like there HAS to me more to this.

I am so sorry

[EmilieMadison]

Is there a reason you think you SHOULDN'T be upset that your husband is a douchebag when it comes to gift "giving"?

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:31:05 GMT -5 peachy said:

What do you mean he refused to plan so you could go out when you asked him to make reservations?

I said i would like to go to XYZ restaurant. He said "I will make reservations & ask your Mom ( who lives downstairs & is home every night) to babysit"

Two weeks later & he has done neither because he " forgot"?

Eyeroll

[stinkyfeet]

I would be incredibly hurt

[EmilieMadison]

So this isn't just about gifts, then obviously. He's lazy, uncompromising, selfish and disrespectful of your feelings in general, it appears.

[sparkythelawyer]

I'd be pissed if it turned out I married a dick too.

[underwaterrhymes]

Your husband is acting like a jackass.

But I think you also made a misstep when you told him to sell them. He was a jerk from the beginning, but you also played a bit of the martyr.

This doesn't excuse his behavior. He is in the wrong.

[wannabe]

This is fucked up. Probably a good idea to shut down the giving gifts thing between you two. All it seems to do is create friction on both sides.

[lime]

Ok, yeah, this isn't about gifts at all.

[bab]

Jul 27, 2014 16:34:47 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:31:05 GMT -5 peachy said:

What do you mean he refused to plan so you could go out when you asked him to make reservations?

I said i would like to go to XYZ restaurant. He said "I will make reservations & ask your Mom ( who lives downstairs & is home every night) to babysit"

Two weeks later & he has done neither because he " forgot"?

Eyeroll

He just sounds mean.  Really mean.  Why is he treating you this way?  

[noodleskooze]

Based on past posts, I'd say you have every right to be hurt and upset, but not surprised. He seems to care very little for your feelings.

I'm sorry.

[sapphireblue]

I agree that no gifts sounds far less hurtful to you. But, honestly, your H sounds like a big jerk when it comes to gift giving occasions. So on the one hand, a no gifts rule eliminates your hurt feelings on Christmas, your birthday, anniversary, etc. but I do wonder if it will really change the fundamental issue.

I mean, if he buys you a gift, it is hurtful and rude to, after the purchase, complain to you about the cost. If it were REALLY about the cost, and there were no other underlying issues, I feel like he would simply gently talk to you and explain that he knew you wanted a ring (or concert tickets) and say that he wanted to get this item for you but he really felt that it was not in your budget right now. And it sounds like you would readily, happily agree, if that were really the case.

It just sounds more passive aggressive than that. Or something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Is there any way to stop the exchange of the Fleetwood Mac tickets so you can still use them? I don't know how that works.

[underwaterrhymes]

I don't think the solution here is to necessarily stop exchanging gifts. It doesn't get to the root of the problem.

How is your H in other areas? Is this the only area in which he acts like an insensitive asshole?

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:37:51 GMT -5 bab said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:34:47 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

I said i would like to go to XYZ restaurant. He said "I will make reservations & ask your Mom ( who lives downstairs & is home every night) to babysit"

Two weeks later & he has done neither because he " forgot"?

Eyeroll

He just sounds mean.  Really mean.  Why is he treating you this way?  

He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me. 

[lime]

He's totally gas lighting you.

[underwaterrhymes]

Jul 27, 2014 16:44:38 GMT -5 lime said:

He's totally gas lighting you.

This isn't gas lighting.

It's just general assholedom.

[kaybee85]

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? I would be extremely hurt by his behavior toward you and his dismissal of your feelings.

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:44:38 GMT -5 lime said:

He's totally gas lighting you.

How so? I mean I understand the concept of gaslighting, but I never have really gotten how it is implemented ya know? 

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:47:00 GMT -5 kaybee85 said:

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? I would be extremely hurt by his behavior toward you and his dismissal of your feelings.

Yes, we went years ago & somehow I became the bad wife in the sessions who didn't do enough for poor H. It was bullshit. 

And YES the dismissal of my feelings is what hurts me most. 

[bab]

Jul 27, 2014 16:43:31 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:37:51 GMT -5 bab said:

He just sounds mean.  Really mean.  Why is he treating you this way?  

He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me. 

Oh so he gets to dictate your feelings.  You tell him something he did was hurtful and he just decides for you that you are overreacting?  Your feelings are invalid?  Got it.  This issue you are having goes way beyond gift giving.  

[ECB]

Jul 27, 2014 16:43:31 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:37:51 GMT -5 bab said:

He just sounds mean.  Really mean.  Why is he treating you this way?  

He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me. 

Your DH sounds like a dick. Through and through. I'm sorry- I don't mean to pile on, but really.... this is clearly about more than just gifts. Forcing you to have a certain kind of relationship to people who are rude to you? Um, no.

You don't seem to come first at all, and your feelings clearly don't matter.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

[kaybee85]

Jul 27, 2014 16:48:58 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:47:00 GMT -5 kaybee85 said:

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? I would be extremely hurt by his behavior toward you and his dismissal of your feelings.

Yes, we went years ago & somehow I became the bad wife in the sessions who didn't do enough for poor H. It was bullshit. 

And YES the dismissal of my feelings is what hurts me most. 

The dismissal of feelings was the biggest fight H and I had for a long time. I attribute it partially to us getting married young, and in this way my husband was immature. He probably sometimes still thinks I am being "irrational" with my feelings, but he isn't dumb enough to say it to me anymore. 

Maybe look around to find a counselor you'd be comfortable with? I haven't found one before, but I'm sure some other posters could give you tips on interviewing someone before you bring your H with you to sessions to avoid the 'bad wife' thing.

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:49:11 GMT -5 bab said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:43:31 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me. 

Oh so he gets to dictate your feelings.  You tell him something he did was hurtful and he just decides for you that you are overreacting?  Your feelings are invalid?  Got it.  This issue you are having goes way beyond gift giving.  

That's what I keep telling him. It hurts worse when he tells me my feelings are unwarranted. He just keeps saying that everything hurts or upsets me so I am just dramatic. He  says & he told me to take the $$ and buy myself something.its not about the "thing" ( I mean I a,buying myself a rad birthday present regardless at this point). He just thinks that I am " overly dramatic" 

[Deleted]

Jul 27, 2014 16:50:36 GMT -5 ECB said:

Jul 27, 2014 16:43:31 GMT -5 @savestheday said:

He says he isn't mean I just over react & let everything hurt me. nicbreeful I wrote up a whole post about how he is crazy uncompromising about his parents & the relationship I MUST have with them even if they are rude & disrespectful to me. 

Your DH sounds like a dick. Through and through. I'm sorry- I don't mean to pile on, but really.... this is clearly about more than just gifts. Forcing you to have a certain kind of relationship to people who are rude to you? Um, no.

You don't seem to come first at all, and your feelings clearly don't matter.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Thanks! I keep telling him hat D s & I need to come first. His parents were here today & really out of line a few times & he did nothing. I got pissed because I wanted him to address the things with them & he said it is better to ignore them.