Post by electricmayhem on Jul 28, 2014 15:37:38 GMT -5
Thank you all for responding. I completely agree that this should have all been discussed ahead of time, but as I responded really early on that I wasn't going and then heard zero about it again, it didn't even occur to me to bring up potential costs. (I did ask DH's other sister to buy a round of drinks from me, which the bride declined, and I would have been happy to chip in for the cost of the bride's meal). I didn't have a b-party, and the last time I was a bridesmaid, I also could not attend (due to distance--and it was for DH's older sister, so 75% of the same people involved) and no one asked me for any money at all.
I emailed DH's older sister to clarify and as it turns out, the planner didn't clear costs with any of them, just told them the day of what their portion was. As I wasn't going, I assumed that there had been communication between the attending members hashing out what the plan was, but apparently, that didn't happen??? SIL sent me the confirmation email about the party from the planner, and it says that they have transportation all night, but I can't believe that she or the other bridesmaid (DH's cousin) didn't clarify who was paying for that?
Additionally, a bus was rented because there were 8 or 9 girls in attendance--the bride, the 3 other bridesmaids, and then a bunch of the bride's friends. Apparently, planner made the executive decision that the costs for transportation, bride's dinner, etc, were going to be split between the four bridal party members and everyone else just needed to have money for their own meal and drinks.
DH is pissed, as am I. I need to figure out what to respond to her, as I feel like anything except handing over the money is going to cause a problem, particularly with the two bridesmaids who are family.
DH is pissed, as am I. I need to figure out what to respond to her, as I feel like anything except handing over the money is going to cause a problem, particularly with the two bridesmaids who are family.
I would respond with, "I'm sorry, but you did not discuss splitting any of these costs up-front, and I did not even attend the party. I will not be able to contribute to these costs. See you at the wedding!"
Honestly, I don't think you even need to contribute to covering the bride's share of things. The women who attended my bachelorette party did end up covering my costs most places because they insisted on doing so. But my two BMs who did not attend weren't sent a bill after the fact, nor would I EVER assume they would or want them to pitch in.
I think the best course of action is a firm "No, sorry, I cannot contribute." Don't leave any room for her to argue with you.
I don't think it is your problem that she didn't get the costs approved. She should have thought about that beforehand. $240 isn't exactly small change and, while it is kind of her to be so generous, she shouldn't have been so generous with someone else's money. I would go with something along the lines of:
Dear "Bridesmaid", It sounds like you had a great time at the bachelor party and I am sure "Bride" really enjoyed it. Your email noted an amount for those at the party to pay. Since I did not participate in any part of the evening I assume that is the amount for the bridesmaids and others in attendance and you are not planning on me paying that amount. I am more than happy to help offset the costs of your night by covering some of "Bride"'s portion of the night and will drop a check in the mail to you today for $50/$75. See you at the wedding. Best wishes, electricmayhem
Dear BM, I think there is some confusion about the bachelorette party. I am suprised to have recieved this bill since splitting the party 1/4 was never discussed in advance, regardless of my attendance. I do not have that extra $250 in the budget and will not be paying you. See you at the wedding!
No explaining is necessary, though. I might frame it in terms of, "Was your bill sent to me by mistake? I was surprised to have received it, since 1.) my potential contribution wasn't discussed beforehand; 2.) I wasn't there; and 3.) I declined well ahead of the event. See you at the wedding."
Wait, the planner basically planned a $1000 evening for 10 people and then decided to basically comp it for 6 of the guests and have 4 people split the rest! And one of those 4 didn't even attend? What a bitch! No way in hell I'd pay for that! I feel bad for the other BMS too. I think you they should pay like $100 each and let the he planner pay for the rest since she made these decisions without asking anyone else.
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 28, 2014 22:33:19 GMT -5
Look, don't be all passive aggressive with "I was surprised to get your email..." or "I assume this is a mistake". She's being a straight-up bitch.
Dear BM,
I was unable to attend the party and wasn't involved in the planning. I did try to send some cash to cover the bride but don't think that plan worked out, so I've enclosed $50 to help defray her costs. Sorry but $240/person is way more than I can swing, which I would have communicated earlier if given a chance. If there are plans for other group expenses between now and the wedding please let me know ASAP so we can discuss.
Wait, the planner basically planned a $1000 evening for 10 people and then decided to basically comp it for 6 of the guests and have 4 people split the rest! And one of those 4 didn't even attend? What a bitch! No way in hell I'd pay for that! I feel bad for the other BMS too. I think you they should pay like $100 each and let the he planner pay for the rest since she made these decisions without asking anyone else.
Agree. I think this needs to be a hard lesson for planner but maybe she'll realize that what she did was not cool. No way in hell would I lay down that kind of money...even if I did attend! If she had split it among all participants it would have been $100-$120 not including the bride which is fair and reasonable.
I really have to lol. What was this lady thinking sending you this message? Ballsy and rude. Of course you shouldn't be billed for any part of this party. It would be a nice gesture to send a little to cover the bride, but even that's not required.
Post by delawarejen on Jul 29, 2014 14:08:18 GMT -5
I wonder if she's going to go back to the other 2 girls and ask them to split it 3 ways now. And wow, the other 6 girls didn't offer anything towards the evening? For anything other than a girl's night in, I would have expected to pay my own way and chip in for the bride if I was going out on a bachelorette even if I wasn't in the bridal party.
I offered to pay *something* towards the bride's share (as it's DH's sister, and I really don't mind paying for some of her food / drinks), told planner that we could forget about the money she owed me from the bridal shower ($65) to offset some of the $240 remaining balance, and closed it with "see you next month!"
AND THEN--she wrote back, APOLOGIZED! for assuming that we were splitting it 4 ways as she didn't know where she'd gotten the impression that's how things were being handled, and said she'd take the $65.
I wonder if she's going to go back to the other 2 girls and ask them to split it 3 ways now. And wow, the other 6 girls didn't offer anything towards the evening? For anything other than a girl's night in, I would have expected to pay my own way and chip in for the bride if I was going out on a bachelorette even if I wasn't in the bridal party.
When I emailed DH's cousin to clarify that I didn't miss a discussion about the b-party costs before I wrote the planner, cousin confirmed there had been no talks, that she was absolutely willing to give planner more money and was sure that SIL would too*. I was more or less expecting this--cousin is a total peace-keeper. I told cousin how I planned on handling it with my $65 offer and told her she could follow up with planner if she felt she needed to.
I have no idea if any of the other girls offered to pay for anything. Most of them are married, and we're all in our thirties so they should know the drill.
*And there is not a snowball's chance in hell that my SIL is going to pay any more money. So the other two can work it out between them, I guess.