Paying for bridal party events: Update!

[electricmayhem]

I am in a wedding next month. Bride is DH's younger sister. Three other bridesmaids: DH's cousin, DH's older sister, bride's friend. Bachelorette party was this weekend. Bride's friend is most local to bride, so she did all the planning. Party was in MD. I live 1200 miles away and did not go. I got an evite, which I declined, and otherwise did not hear one word about the plans. Today I got an email from BM who planned the party saying I owe $240 for the party bus, dinner, drinks and breakfast: total cost split 4 ways. 

Update:
Thanks for all who replied.  I wish more of the people who responded yes to my poll (there were 10 of you!) had chimed in with how that played out if you'd paid an even split but not gone to something.  I admittedly was a bit stuck before responding, because I kept thinking that if the planner hadn't gone to the bridal shower, I would have thought nothing about asking her to split the bill by 4.  But I think the difference is I absolutely would have written out the plans and gotten the okay from her before just counting on that money!

In any case, I double checked with the two other bridal party members (SIL and DH's cousin) and they confirmed that the three of them had no discussion at all about what the b-party expenses were going to be (I can't get over that!).  And while I understand that chasing the other 5 girls down for a contribution to the party bus would have been a royal pain in the rear, I would certainly have not agreed (had I been asked / told) to cover that cost for them.  DH's cousin said she was going to email planner and offer her more money, which I was afraid was going to happen, and while I feel a little guilty about putting it back on her, I don't feel guilty enough to write out a $240 check.

I emailed the planner; I used the lingo from several of your replies (thank you!!) and said it was my understanding that the cost would be split between those who attended, and as I did not, nor was I informed of what they were doing or what it would cost, I was not footing 25% of the bill.  I offered to pay *something* towards the bride's share (as it's DH's sister, and I really don't mind paying for some of her food / drinks), told planner that we could forget about the money she owed me from the bridal shower ($65) to offset some of the $240 remaining balance, and closed it with "see you next month!"

AND THEN--she wrote back, APOLOGIZED! for assuming that we were splitting it 4 ways as she didn't know where she'd gotten the impression that's how things were being handled, and said she'd take the $65. 

Thank heavens.  Potentially uncomfortable wedding situation averted.

[Deleted]

I certainly wouldn't expect to get *that* email.

But I would want to contribute in some way -- I'd be happy to pay 1/4 of the bride's share, or maybe I'd send a bottle of champagne for the group to enjoy. I would not expect to pay 1/4 of the entire cost of the party, since (unlike the other bridesmaids) I did not partake in the party bus, dinner, etc.

[So_Fetch]

I might have put something towards the bride's room or something (like $50) but no, I'm not paying $240 for something I didn't go to. Nope.

[mbcdefg]

If you're not at least involved in the plans (never mind not attending), you shouldn't just be handed a bill.

[pretzel]

haha no way.

[zacksbride]

I agree I would be ok with contributing something on brides behalf to the party. However, even split of the party costs - no way!

[jennistarr1]

No f'ing way! I think you need to email her promptly and say you'll contribute 60$, a quarter of the brides share...If you pay 240$, then you'll cover the bride completely on your own, and they would be just covering themselves.

[RoxMonster]

Hahahahaha ----> I think that would be my reply to that email.

Absolutely 100% NO you should not have to chip in. If you WANTED to chip in, even though you know you couldn't attend, you could have offered ahead of time. But I absolutely don't think any bridal party member should be obligated to pay for events they are not attending. And if whoever planned the event wanted to split the cost between all of you, she should have discussed with you all up front: "OK, so if we all chip in for x, y, and z, here is how much it'll be per person. Are you all OK with that?"

[SJ]

If that was the expectation (that everything be split) it should have been discussed and agreed upon ahead of time.

[ECB]

On so many levels, "no".  I'd reply that you'll be happy to chip in XX amount to help w. the bride's cost, but as you 1- weren't involved in the planning OR budget AND 2- you didn't attend, you aren't going to pay for a full 1/4 of the cost.  They get pissed?  So be it.  This is on them. 

And while I doubt there is much more involvement (the shower and the wedding itself), I'd want to nip this in the bud so that you don't get any further bills for stuff you had no involvement in.  If you just blindly pay this, they'll think they can keep doing this.  Next you know- you'll be billed $300 for your "share" of the bridal party present (some people do this, some don't). 

[Deleted]

I would be willing to send $50 or a gift ahead if time. Definitely not paying in this fashion.

[Deleted]

If you were not consulted about the cost of the party, you should not be expected to pay the bill you were sent.
I agree, you could contribute something, but not as much as she asked you for.

The person planning the party should have consulted you as to what she was spending so you could let her know that it wasn't in your budget or what ever else you would want to say. Imagine if she had spent double or triple that? Would she expect you to send $500 or $750? That's crazy!!!

[cheezer]

There are so many things wrong with this.

I likely would have chipped in something for the bachelorette party even if I was going. Like others mentioned a round of drinks or champagne or whatever.

But there is no way in hell I would be paying $240 for an event I did not attend, even if they'd asked in advance.

Also, were there more attendees than the 3 BMs? $240 sounds like a lot and a party bus isn't really needed for 4 people. I don't feel like it's on the BMs to cover other bachelorette attendees, only the bride and themselves. As a non-BM attending a bachelorette I always plan on paying for myself plus some of the bride.

[atarianna]

When my brother got married I couldn't travel to the bachelorette party but did pay for two hotel rooms for the party to crash in afterwards. It wasn't asked of me or expected, I just wanted to do something nice since I couldn't go.

[busterpup]

No, it shouldn't be expected. I think I pitched in for my friend's bach party that I couldn't go to but it was $50 (there were more than 4 bridesmaids and it wasn't that expensive to begin with). $240 pp is a lot! And for them to not include you in ANY of the planning and then expect you to pay at the end is really rude.

Normally I would pay something, but the rudeness of this situation would make me want to drag my feet.

[Deleted]

What does your H say about it?

Unless they specifically asked you to split the total costs or you gave them an idea of what you would give, I wouldn't pay $240.

[hopenotlost]

No freaking way. Why do bachelorette parties have to be so flippin' expensive?? I would do $60 for 1/4 of the bride costs, but that's it. No more, no less.

I'm interested in how you're going to respond, and if you tell her you're not paying the $240, how she will respond.

[Deleted]

No--however, I likely would've nipped this in the bud and offered hundred dollars towards the festivities beforehand so this type of thing would not come up

[aurora]

I was the sole out-of-stater for a bridal party once and couldn't attend the shower. The other BM's included me in the planning emails because I had said I'd like to be kept in the loop, and I did offer to contribute (in addition to sending a gift, of course). However, they refused to let me pay since I couldn't be there.

I guess my answer is that I would offer to pay something but I wouldn't absolutely expect that offer to be accepted (though of course I would send the $ if it was).

No way would I send $ after the fact in response to an email like that, though.

[thebulldog]

Total BS to hand you a bill when this was never mentioned to you. Asshattery right there.

i be typing from me phone. typos and grammer dont count.

[thejen626]

"Sorry, that's not in my budget. See you at the wedding!"

[msmerymac]

I WOULD have been willing to pay 25% of the bride's cost, and/or to send a bottle of wine or something for the party, but I would be super tempted to ignore this email. Mostly because I wouldn't want animosity towards me at the wedding for telling them off.

[galaxy8227]

I would have thought if they were expecting money from you that they would have talked to you after you declined on the evite.

I could see throwing in 1/4 to cover the bride's expenses but not to help cover the whole thing while you weren't there.

[lasagnasshole]

Fuck to the no.

[dancingirl21]

Lol. That is asinine. No way in hell would I be paying that. People are cray when it comes to weddings.

[linz]

Hell no I wouldn't pay. Even if I did go I wouldn't pay $240!

[mbcdefg]

Jul 28, 2014 12:56:30 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Also, this isn't about whether you attended or not. It's the assumption that you'd pay that portion regardless.

This.

If they contacted me prior to the party and asked if I'd be willing to chip in - or even if they contacted AFTER the party and said, "Hey, we fucked up and miscalculated our costs, can you help us out a little?" - then I'd probably send them something.

But if they just didn't bother to involve me in the plans at all, and then sent me a bill? I don't care whether it's $240 or $20, NOPE. (Although $240 is especially ballsy of them. I still think it's screwed up to say, "Hey you owe us $20 for this party you didn't attend and that we didn't consult you about," but $20 is low enough where I could just send it to them and not start a fight over it.)

[mrshandy]

OMG that's crazy!

I was in a wedding party only once and couldn't go to the Bachelorette Party. I contributed like $50 to help pay for the bachelorette party.

[teatimefor2]

Years and years ago, I was a BM for a wedding. We were told by the bride's sister that we all owed $500 for the shower. They wanted to get a champagne foundation, it was going to be a large shower, gifts, favors and the gift for the bride.

Um, no. Firstly, bride had a three months old and couldn't drink and no. I was in grad school and didn't have the money to give that, plus I wasn't able to attend. I lived in a different area and couldn't afford the wedding plus shower.

I wrote an email saying it was too much for me and offered to put in for the gift. After I spoke up, a lot of the other BM's did (there were eight of us).

I would definitely speak up.

[awick14]

Yikes. She defiantly has some guys to email you after the fact.

I wouldn't pay anything towards this.