Can we talk about in-laws?

[lg28]

My FIL has a framed oil painting of himself over his fireplace.

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 28, 2014 16:01:04 GMT -5 lg28 said:

My FIL has a framed oil painting of himself over his fireplace.

Is your FIL Stephen Colbert?

[heyjude]

We need to do this thread monthly! I'm just nodding along in agreement with what everyone is saying. This is therapy!!!

[gpw]

I WISH my mom lived in an attached apt instead in our home. That seems like luxury to me, lol!

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:01:04 GMT -5 lg28 said:

My FIL has a framed oil painting of himself over his fireplace.

Mmmmm hmmmm.

MIL has 8x10 glamour shots hanging all over her house where she is looking so seductive my husband is mortified. She gave us one too and doesn't understand why we don't hang it up.

[IIOY]

Jul 28, 2014 13:52:03 GMT -5 heyjude said:

But we would probably visit more if every visit wasn't excruciating. DD doesn't have a great relationship with them because my ILs won't stop whatever they are doing to spend time with her or interact with her. Last time we were there they spent the whole time watching TV. 

I need someone to explain this to me, because my FIL would happily watch TV all damn day in the dark; my MIL would have happily done this all day as well prior to her passing.  Is this a generational thing (OMG talking picture box SQUEEEE!) or just a function of being old and not wanting to do anything physical?

Also, y'all already know about my FIL.

[orangeblossom]

Jul 28, 2014 15:47:53 GMT -5 eddy said:

Jul 28, 2014 15:27:51 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

In reference to all of the dead/hospital posts, my sisters and I call my dad a professional mourner. I swear he goes to at least one funeral a week and/or visits someone in the hospital/nursing home.

My MIL loves nothing more than finding something to be sad about.

She told me about this baby with cancer 4 times this weekend. Mind you we have no clue who these people are. Although I think it is sad I don't need to have repeat conversations about them. 

She then sends us an email updating us on the baby this morning.


It drives me so nuts.

We will hear about this tragic little baby for months now. And I will continue to not know who these people are.

Yeah, that's a bit much. 

I generally have have a vague idea of who he's referring to, and it generally comes up in conversation when is ask what he has planned for the week. 

[gpw]

Jul 28, 2014 16:12:46 GMT -5 tillie said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:05:22 GMT -5 gpw said:

I WISH my mom lived in an attached apt instead in our home. That seems like luxury to me, lol!

Very true, you have my sympathy.  I would not survive that.

I actually do love my MIL, however, she just talks, and talks, and talks - all about nonsense.  She is also so freakin' nosey about  every move any neighbors make.  It drives me insane.  Leave them alone.  I don't care who is having a tree taken down, who has gained weight, and who has the day off.  MYOB!  Whew, sorry.  that felt good.

Dude.  YES.  The inane chatter.  Especially after I come home from work and have been talking all day.  I just want SILENCE!  Andplusalso, I don't ever talk on the phone anymore.  I HATE talking on the phone in front of her (or anyone really).  No privacy!

[IIOY]

OH, I forgot. My father emails me his weather report almost every day with zero additional commentary, and whenever we talk on the phone, the first thing he tells me is what his weather is like.

When my grandmother was alive, he used to complain that she talked about the weather all the time. Mmm hmm.

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 28, 2014 16:19:31 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I mean, here's the thing. IL relationships are hard because you're supposed to feel this closeness with people you really don't know and aren't all that close to. And relationships don't just spontaneously erupt. They are built and grow. So when you're thirteen years into a relationship with someone who has insulted you, insulted your family, manipulated you, and just been generally disrespectful, after a while, you start to side eye everything. Which is pretty much where I am at the moment.

Can you tell that part to my MIL? She thinks I hate her b/c I don't want to hang out with her.

[nerdicorn]

Re: the someone is always dying talk, my grandma in law is so bad about that. We'll be talking about happy things and she'll interject that all of her friends are dead and dying, etc. then she complains that no one invites her anywhere. Well it's because you're a downer!

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:10:47 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Jul 28, 2014 13:52:03 GMT -5 heyjude said:

But we would probably visit more if every visit wasn't excruciating. DD doesn't have a great relationship with them because my ILs won't stop whatever they are doing to spend time with her or interact with her. Last time we were there they spent the whole time watching TV. 

I need someone to explain this to me, because my FIL would happily watch TV all damn day in the dark; my MIL would have happily done this all day as well prior to her passing.  Is this a generational thing (OMG talking picture box SQUEEEE!) or just a function of being old and not wanting to do anything physical?

Also, y'all already know about my FIL.

Well *my* parents aren't this way at all. When my DD is over all they want to do is play with her and show her new things and take her places. The TV is never on!!

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:19:31 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

My MIL tried to gossip about the painful and messy divorce of her niece... TO HER NIECE!!

And then there was the weird FROZEN movie Easter.present that wasn't a present.

And Christmas eve in the van while they sipped sodas in the restaurant.

I mean, here's the thing. IL relationships are hard because you're supposed to feel this closeness with people you really don't know and aren't all that close to. And relationships don't just spontaneously erupt. They are built and grow. So when you're thirteen years into a relationship with someone who has insulted you, insulted your family, manipulated you, and just been generally disrespectful, after a while, you start to side eye everything. Which is pretty much where I am at the moment.

What is the frozen movie present that's not a present story?

[orangeblossom]

Jul 28, 2014 16:23:28 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:19:31 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I mean, here's the thing. IL relationships are hard because you're supposed to feel this closeness with people you really don't know and aren't all that close to. And relationships don't just spontaneously erupt. They are built and grow. So when you're thirteen years into a relationship with someone who has insulted you, insulted your family, manipulated you, and just been generally disrespectful, after a while, you start to side eye everything. Which is pretty much where I am at the moment.

Can you tell that part to my MIL? She thinks I hate her b/c I don't want to hang out with her.

I hate that expectation. Do we as women expect our husbands/significant other to be all buddy buddy with their fathers and/or brothers. I resent the hell out if this expectation. 

Just because we have the same anatomy and love the same person, doesn't mean we're going to be bosom buddies. 

 DH, then fiancé, seemed to think this when we were newly engaged. He never made that mistake again. I gave him the evilest side-eye at the time from the backseat of the car, and then read him the riot act when we got home. He never suggested I do anything with MIL again. 

It wasn't so much that he wanted us to hang out, but that he put me in an awkward position, by asking what I was going to take her shopping when I went out the next day, right in front of her. Nope, nope, nope. Don't put me on the spot like that. 

If a relationship comes naturally and with ease between ILs that's fine, but people would be better served if they stopped trying to push it form either direction. Of course respect and being cordial is important, but if that's all it will ever be, than so be it. This is strictly at the adult level, as I know it can be tricky with kids involved. 

[summer]

Jul 28, 2014 16:05:31 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:01:04 GMT -5 lg28 said:

My FIL has a framed oil painting of himself over his fireplace.

Mmmmm hmmmm.

MIL has 8x10 glamour shots hanging all over her house where she is looking so seductive my husband is mortified. She gave us one too and doesn't understand why we don't hang it up.

For the entertainment of all of us, please ask her where in your home she thinks you should hang it.  This is the best!!!

[downtoearth]

My ILs are generally great and my MIL brought over school clothes and school supplies for the kids yesterday - and so she saved me about $75 and a trip to the store with them, which is priceless, but my FIL is mad at us b/c he and DH communicate like apes instead of adults. I made plans with my family b/c my sis is in town from MA and DH knew that, but also made plans with his dad, then forgot to call him and cancel until like 1 hour before, so FIL is right to be pissed. However, I had told MIL three days prior that we had plans, so crap, if everybody listened to me we'd be good.

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:19:31 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I mean, here's the thing. IL relationships are hard because you're supposed to feel this closeness with people you really don't know and aren't all that close to. And relationships don't just spontaneously erupt. They are built and grow. So when you're thirteen years into a relationship with someone who has insulted you, insulted your family, manipulated you, and just been generally disrespectful, after a while, you start to side eye everything. Which is pretty much where I am at the moment.

So so so much this.

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:30:59 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:23:28 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Can you tell that part to my MIL? She thinks I hate her b/c I don't want to hang out with her.

Relationships are a series of interactions. Tiny little episodes that create a larger picture. Like an impressionist painting or something.

It's the sum total of many small parts. So, telling people that your FDIL can't afford a bigger wedding and that's why the guest list is "small", will eventually produce a different picture that say, explaining that the wedding is going to be small and intimate because that's more the.style of the.bride and groom.

And in a related question: presumably these people also had ILs. How come they didn't make decisions about how NOT to behave based on that relationship. Or are WE destined to be asshole ILs, ourselves.

My MIL had a horrible FIL and pushy MIL. Why doesn't she learn?!

And I agree also that we all need to really remember these feeling for when we are ILs someday.

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:36:52 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:30:52 GMT -5 heyjude said:

What is the frozen movie present that's not a present story?

DH mentioned to MIL that we were trying to back away from all the candy, candy, candy that is holidays for kids.  So for Easter, she suggested that she would get PTS the movie Frozen instead of getting her a bunch of candy.  DH said that was a great idea and so when it came out, we didn't buy it for PTS.  And when she saw it in the store, I was just like, "Well, we're not here for that today."  Or whatever.  So Easter day, DH takes the kids to church with him which is the same church ILs go to and MIL explains to him that she has bought the movie.  And this is where it gets a little unclear and I can't tell whether DH wasn't sure what was being said or whether MIL hadn't really made up her mind as to what she wanted to do.  But the bottom line was that PTS couldn't "have" the movie until she went over to MIL's house and watched it with MIL, first.  It's also possible the movie would NEVER be PTS's and she could only watch it when she was at MIL's house.  Either scenario was unacceptable to me.  I bought PTS her own copy of Frozen the next day.

Oh yes. The gift that stays here gift. My ILs tried to pull that shit with their grandson too. My husband complained when that happened (pre our kid). I think this may be why they now only give DD cash or gift cards.

[summer]

Jul 28, 2014 16:32:08 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:23:28 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Can you tell that part to my MIL? She thinks I hate her b/c I don't want to hang out with her.

I hate that expectation. Do we as women expect our husbands/significant other to be all buddy buddy with their fathers and/or brothers. I resent the hell out if this expectation. 

Just because we have the same anatomy and love the same person, doesn't mean we're going to be bosom buddies. 

 DH, then fiancé, seemed to think this when we were newly engaged. He never made that mistake again. I gave him the evilest side-eye at the time from the backseat of the car, and then read him the riot act when we got home. He never suggested I do anything with MIL again. 

It wasn't so much that he wanted us to hang out, but that he put me in an awkward position, by asking what I was going to take her shopping when I went out the next day, right in front of her. Nope, nope, nope. Don't put me on the spot like that. 

If a relationship comes naturally and with ease between ILs that's fine, but people would be better served if they stopped trying to push it form either direction. Of course respect and being cordial is important, but if that's all it will ever be, than so be it. This is strictly at the adult level, as I know it can be tricky with kids involved. 

I say this all. the. time.    I have been around H's family more in the last 2 weeks than he has been around my family in 10 years.  And that is fine. You don't have to hang out with them.  But I don't want to always be around yours either.   MIL definitely has to stop calling me every damn day.

asdfjkl...my MIL came to "help" after DD2.  I had a C-section and could barely walk.  Do you know that she had DD1 make me a sandwich and she said that she was going to take a nap right when I walked in the door.  DD1 was FIVE!   I was livid.   Then after she woke up, she sat in my bedroom and cried and carried on about her failed marriage.  I just got home with a baby I can't figure out how to breastfeed and am thisclosetobreakingdownmyself.  I just told her to leave him.  Stop complaining. you've been complaining for years.  Just leave him.  Get on with your life.  She was shocked.  

[orangeblossom]

summer she calls you every day? Oh my goodness that would grate on my nerves like no other. Why is she calling you?

I get annoyed when my MIL calls period. At one she was calling more frequently, and I though, did you accidentally swap me and DHs number, because I cannot understand the change. I think I even posted about it here. We do not do the phone well. Text is my preferred method of communication with her, if we have to communicate. Otherwise, I'll just see you when I see you.

[heyjude]

I have another story.

My MIL gets other people to say what she can't to her kids.

In December her oven was broken and FIL saw no need to pay to have it repaired because they don't bake. So instead of having a grown up relationship with her husband about why having a working oven was important to her or asking her kids for help she started passively aggressively sharing with whomever would visit (that were not her children) how sad she was that her oven wasn't working and how no one would fix it for her. One of those people then emailed my H and his brother about how awful it is that her oven doesn't work and why can't her sons do something about this? It was a major fucking guilt trip.

Bah!!

[lg28]

Jul 28, 2014 16:05:31 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:01:04 GMT -5 lg28 said:

My FIL has a framed oil painting of himself over his fireplace.

Mmmmm hmmmm.

MIL has 8x10 glamour shots hanging all over her house where she is looking so seductive my husband is mortified. She gave us one too and doesn't understand why we don't hang it up.

The funny part is that he didn't want one of his wife and son in the spot. Just him. But he's very narcissistic so it makes sense.

My inlaws are currently watching DS a few times a week so I can get a break so I can't complain otherwise. And they bought me a new SUV as a new baby gift.

[jeaniebueller]

Jul 28, 2014 16:13:08 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:10:47 GMT -5 IIOY said:

I need someone to explain this to me, because my FIL would happily watch TV all damn day in the dark; my MIL would have happily done this all day as well prior to her passing. Is this a generational thing (OMG talking picture box SQUEEEE!) or just a function of being old and not wanting to do anything physical?

Also, y'all already know about my FIL.

I don't know but we have this issue, too. So. Much. Television. And must it be so loud?

My mom could wake the dead with the level of volume she needs the television.

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:55:06 GMT -5 lg28 said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:05:31 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Mmmmm hmmmm.

MIL has 8x10 glamour shots hanging all over her house where she is looking so seductive my husband is mortified. She gave us one too and doesn't understand why we don't hang it up.

The funny part is that he didn't want one of his wife and son in the spot. Just him. But he's very narcissistic so it makes sense.

My inlaws are currently watching DS a few times a week so I can get a break so I can't complain otherwise. And they bought me a new SUV as a new baby gift.

Your ILs gave you a push present of a vehicle. You can't complain about his art!

[abramos]

They came over to our house last weekend but I was at a baby shower so I did not have to see them. My FIL'sw birthday is on August 11th so I assume they will send the yearly passive aggressive email asking what to do the weekend before. DH is in Alaska until the 10th so I might luck out and not have to go.

[heyjude]

Jul 28, 2014 16:47:12 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Jul 28, 2014 16:30:05 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Well *my* parents aren't this way at all. When my DD is over all they want to do is play with her and show her new things and take her places. The TV is never on!!

This is another thing that is kind of awkward and it's not really a "good person" v. "bad person" kind of thing.  But my parents have a closet of toys for our kids for when they come over.  They have kids movies, blocks, crayons and coloring books, a noah's ark set, some nerf tennis ball thing, dolls with a bunk bed, a tea set... just random stuff like that.  And actually when we went to DH's uncle's and aunt's house a couple weeks ago, they had a similar closet for their 8 grandkids.  Just little random garage sale toys they'd collected over the years so the kids would have something to do when they came over.  There is almost NOTHING for my kids to do at ILs apt.  There are some stuffed animals and some of DH's old trucks.  So, my kids are TERRIBLE at their house.  Misbehaving because they are bored out of their minds.  And so, I'm in total bitch mode the whole time we're there.  Yelling at them to behave, stop screaming, stop running.  I feel like my MIL's impression of me must be that I'm chronically unhappy and always screaming at her grandkids.  And that I never want to come over for dinner or whatever.  But that's because my 5 and 3 year old aren't terribly interested in watching PGA golf at the 47 volume level and I HATE having to "manage" them for an entire evening visit.  

Yes I think my parents bought a toy chest to fill with toys the second they found out I was pregnant. They are the type of people who just adore being grandparents. Meanwhile my FIL won't even get off the phone with his nephew when we come over with DD.

Eta: I mean my parents answering machine even says "hi we can't come to the phone right now because we are too busy looking at the latest pictures of our granddaughter."

[StrawberryBlondie]

Jul 28, 2014 15:21:57 GMT -5 summer said:

Jul 28, 2014 15:10:26 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

Above referenced FIL says his kids are his retirement plan.

Next time he says that, you reply with this exactly.  

"The hell they are! You better ask somebody!"  and if he doesn't get it, he should go to Time Magazine or Urban Dictionary and get it sorted out. 

Jul 28, 2014 15:14:20 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Jul 28, 2014 15:10:26 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

Above referenced FIL says his kids are his retirement plan.

WTF? DUDE. My Inlaws want to give us their house!!

Oh, we shut that shit down years ago. I used to think he was kidding. But he said it a bit too much.

I'm guessing he's banking on being un-estranged from other, much better off kids.

[sushi]

I lucked out in the il world. Mil has since died, but we were close. Fil and I get along quite well.

Now, you should have my h post about his ILS

At least they're 6000 miles away. And we have no kids. My parents and my sister have had some debates over grand parenting.

[MauMau]

Hang in there. At least you are able to ignore them as best as possible.

The best part of my divorce is never having to see my inlaws again.

No more bloody socks with sandals and passive aggressive shit. And the drunkenness and fighting.