I'm really sorry. I don't have personal experience at all, so I'm sorry I can't give you a story of hope.
But, it seems to me like you're pretty miserable. Maybe a trial separation would help you figure out if staying with him is really what you want? You may find yourself much happier without him.
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 29, 2014 14:43:54 GMT -5
I remember your name.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. How terrible. I, personally, would never be able to forgive this of my husband. For me, in my marriage, cheating is an absolute deal breaker. I know it is easier for me to say because I'm not in your shoes, but I know I wouldn't forgive him.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I recommend the website Surviving Infidelity, which has forums and helpful resources for people in your situation.
Individual counseling for yourself with definitely help, but I think that he should be open to marriage counseling. His refusal shows he's not as remorseful as he claims. You don't have to make any major decisions right now. Take as long as you need to figure things out. However, to me it sounds like he won't change.
I definitely think you should go to counseling for yourself. I think he's an ass for not going with you.
My father cheated on my mother about 22 years ago now. I don't think she's ever forgiven him and it's obvious. She gets mad at him for every little thing, makes mountains out of mole hills, and it can be unbearable being around them.
Post by miniroller on Jul 29, 2014 14:50:35 GMT -5
OP, you can take as much time as you need to take, but it sounds like you know what the best decision is here. Also, I understand(ish) your fear of leaving, but just know life can be so much better than the daily life you've described. You deserve happiness, & I don't see it in your foreseeable future. Just remember happy solitude is so much better than misery with a lying disrespectful cheater.
I completely understand what you're going through. I stayed with a cheater for way too long, believing that I had to "fight for my marriage" and that I could fix things - and I didn't even have kids.
But in hindsight, leaving was the best thing I could have done. Living without trust is just no way to live. It eats at your soul. And I realized that I was fighting to save a marriage that didn't exist any more. He simply wasn't the man I married. I have a passage from a book at home that I will share with you later that really helped me make up my mind.
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 29, 2014 14:52:27 GMT -5
How old Are your kids? You can get therapy or books to help them understand too. You really deserve to be happy and they deserve to see you happy and I know it's got to be the scariest thing, but you don't deserve to be depressed all the time on account of his behavior.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something I like to remember is "when people tell you who they are, listen." He has shown you he isn't going to change. (((hugs)))
ETA: You said you wished you had walked away the first time. Well, now's your chance.
You gave your husband the unbelievable gift of a second chance and he chose to squander it and throw you and his family away.
Clearly, he didn't do the work it took to figure out what made him think it was "ok" to cheat on his wife and jeopardize his family because he did it. Again.
I don't buy that he has had a sudden epiphany and "gets it" now. He's scared that his safety net and comfort zone are about to be torn from him but again, that's 100% on him. Too bad that he didn't think of that before he cheated in the first place, let alone doing so after he had already ripped your heart out once before.
It's time to tell this cake-eater that the bakery is closed, once and for all.
I agree with those who said get counseling for you.
You deserve so much better as do your children.
And the only way to get better...well, I think you know the answer to that one.
I don't have a story to share with you as you asked, but I hope you have the strength to do what is best for you.
If leaving is best, leave. There are plenty of posts where people give advice on pre-departure, self-protective measures to take (with finances, lawyers, etc.). Start there--I think you can search them. It's good to suss out what your options are and figure out what the plan of action WOULD be so that you're lined up to take it if you want to.
I don't know about you, but when I'm in an emotional situation I often work my way through it. I handle logistics and take care of business, THEN I go about the harder work of the emotional stuff.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm divorcing; my husband didn't cheat on me but he was verbally and emotionally abusive. We went to couples' counseling for a while, and he promised to change, and I was in individual counseling, but eventually I just knew that this was not something that I would eventually be "okay" with. I just didn't trust him anymore, and I could not picture any scenario in which I would trust him again within a reasonable amount of time. Even if he completely reformed, it would take years to build that trust back, and I did not want to spend years in a marriage without trust waiting for that to happen.
If you're not in individual counseling for yourself, I highly recommend it. My therapist really helped me to talk through all my feelings about this. I also recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." It really helped me to think through all the things that were important to me when I was making that decision.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something I like to remember is "when people tell you who they are, listen." He has shown you he isn't going to change. (((hugs)))
ETA: You said you wished you had walked away the first time. Well, now's your chance.
Thank you. I know in my head what I need to do, I'm just scared to do it.
The hardest times in my life have always been when I knew what the answer was and just didn't want to pull the trigger. "I don't know" can become a super comfortable place to be. But the biggest relief I have felt is usually right after I do what I have always known I needed to do. I wish you all of the courage, luck and strength in the world as you pull the trigger on your next move.
You gave your husband the unbelievable gift of a second chance and he chose to squander it and throw you and his family away.
Clearly, he didn't do the work it took to figure out what made him think it was "ok" to cheat on his wife and jeopardize his family because he did it. Again.
I don't buy that he has had a sudden epiphany and "gets it" now. He's scared that his safety net and comfort zone are about to be torn from him but again, that's 100% on him. Too bad that he didn't think of that before he cheated in the first place, let alone doing so after he had already ripped your heart out once before.
It's time to tell this cake-eater that the bakery is closed, once and for all.
I agree with those who said get counseling for you.
You deserve so much better as do your children.
And the only way to get better...well, I think you know the answer to that one.
((hugs))
ITA.
He knew he was getting a second chance and he blew it.
Are you in counseling? If not, that might be a good place for you to start. You don't have to make any decisions right away if you're not sure about leaving. Your counselor can help you work through it.
If you can't get past it, that is okay. It is okay to leave him over this.
The hardest times in my life have always been when I knew what the answer was and just didn't want to pull the trigger. "I don't know" can become a super comfortable place to be. But the biggest relief I have felt is usually right after I do what I have always known I needed to do. I wish you all of the courage, luck and strength in the world as you pull the trigger on your next move.
Thank you so much. I can't imagine feeling worse, so I'm sure I would have to feel better afterwards.
It will feel scary and naked for a while. And then one day you'll realize that even with the stresses of a new life, you feel infinitely lighter. Plow through. You can do it.
Well hell, no wonder you can't get past it. He cheated and was lucky enough to be given a second chance. Then, he blew it by deciding to see her again, all while your relationship was still on shaky ground and he was refusing to go to marriage counseling. I wouldn't be able to get past that either!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He is showing you who he is, and you absolutely deserve better. I'll ditto the advice to go to individual counseling and consult with an attorney. I think taking those steps will help you heal and make doing what you want/need to do feel less scary. You can do this.
It will feel scary and naked for a while. And then one day you'll realize that even with the stresses of a new life, you feel infinitely lighter. Plow through. You can do it.
I know I have to do what's best for my children. At first, I thought there was no way I could live without him. I thought I loved him so much I would die without him. But, I know I'll survive it. I know it won't be easy but I know I have to do it.
I am so sorry he put you in this situation. I hope you find the courage to do what you think is best for your famliy.
Lets say you stay, and it happens a third time? Do you think at that point you will be even more mad at yourself for not leaving this time?
The fact he won't goes to counseling shows he gives zero fucks about you or your relationship. Of he really wanted your marriage to work, he would do whatever it takes. And him doing that MIGHT have helped you to rebuild and for you to be able to be happy on the marriage. It can be done, but only of both parties really really want it to.
I would personally get my dicks in a row and consult a lawyer. One step at a time. You don't have to make any decisions today. Just start figuring out what you need to do, speak with a lawyer, and go from there.
Don't beat yourself up about past choices. Better late than never.
If he's also being emotionally abusive, it is going to feel SO GOOD to get out from underneath that. Your freedom and new found happiness will literally be a huge gift to yourself.
I'm glad you have support from your sisters. Don't hesitate to use it.
I completely understand what you're going through. I stayed with a cheater for way too long, believing that I had to "fight for my marriage" and that I could fix things - and I didn't even have kids.
But in hindsight, leaving was the best thing I could have done. Living without trust is just no way to live. It eats at your soul. And I realized that I was fighting to save a marriage that didn't exist any more. He simply wasn't the man I married. I have a passage from a book at home that I will share with you later that really helped me make up my mind.
I'm sorry you went through this. I'm sorry for anyone who goes through this. I don't want to wonder where he goes or what he's doing everytime he leaves the house. It's a horrible way to live.
That's the crux of the problem. You'll never have peace of mind. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I am so sorry he put you in this situation. I hope you find the courage to do what you think is best for your famliy.
Lets say you stay, and it happens a third time? Do you think at that point you will be even more mad at yourself for not leaving this time?
Yes. I keep thinking if I had walked away when he told me, I could possibly have my life half way put back together by now. I hate feeling this way.
Don't think about it this way. You need to focus on empowering yourself, not belittling. He's done enough of that already, you don't need to add to the shame game.
You gave him another chance. He's continued to show where his priorities are. It is not a negative reflection of YOU that it didn't work, it should just add to the clarity that he'll never be the spouse you deserve. You have the strength and intelligence and self worth to stand up for yourself and your family. You don't have to make any grand gestures today or tomorrow. Just take it slow and steady, a piece at a time. You're overwhelmed because now you're considering things that are the unknown, and that's normal. Hell, that's healthy. That doesn't make you weak.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I recommend the website Surviving Infidelity, which has forums and helpful resources for people in your situation.
Individual counseling for yourself with definitely help, but I think that he should be open to marriage counseling. His refusal shows he's not as remorseful as he claims. You don't have to make any major decisions right now. Take as long as you need to figure things out. However, to me it sounds like he won't change.
I totally agree with all of this. GBCN is a great place to get support, but SI has a lot of interesting resources for those who want to reconcile and those who do not/cannot. I also think it can be helpful to read the stories and see the totally predictable patterns that emerge once you know them regarding the cheater.
His refusal for counseling would probably be a deal breaker for me (aside from him seeing her again), because as stated several times so far, it shows a total lack of commitment to reconciliation.
Good luck, and know you have support here and all over from people who have been where you are as well as those of us who haven't, but want you to do what is best for you.
No. I mentioned it to him and he refuses to go with me. I think I should go for myself though.
You absolutely should.
So sorry,
I am sorry but this is the mess HE made, and if he is not willing to do WHATEVER it takes to start to turn this around I would not stay. Why does he refuse to go? If he were willing to do the necessary work to try to pull your marriage together I might say to keep trying. But he obviously doesn't give a damn if he won't even go see a counselor with you, and he has done this more than once. I think you know your answer. I am sorry
He don't want to talk to a stranger about our problems. He said we didn't need it. I think if anyone ever needed counseling, it's us.
but he had no problem sticking his dick in a stranger? talking to a stranger when he was telling her how horrible his marriage is and all the other lies he told her to justify her not kicking him to the curb
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jul 29, 2014 17:50:38 GMT -5
I think that, if he were really committed to changing, or if what happened was truly a wake-up call, he would be doing everything he could to make it right. Which means total transparency AND going to counseling. The fact that he doesn't want to do it means (to me) that he doesn't really want to do the work. He doesn't want to admit blame. He wants you to just shut up about it and get over it. He learned nothing.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Here is the passage I talked about earlier - I carried this around in my wallet for years. Years!
Try to regain your dignity and get on with your life. You deserve better. You don't deserve second best. You don't deserve the unhappiness that a less-than-ideal marriage will give you. You deserve someone who is faithful, treats you well, who is kind and considerate and makes you feel good about yourself. To stay with a person who constantly feels there is something wrong with you is no way to live.
It is important for you to realize that you can't go back and fix the broken pieces and it is imperative to go forward.
Nothing earth shattering here, I know, but it really resonated with me. You deserve better!!!
Don't feel like an idiot for being afraid. Change is hard. The appearance of how hard change is going to be is overwhelming sometimes.
The people I admire most in life are the ones that realize that something is going to be hard and they plow through it.
Also, I'll share a quote from a wise older woman that really helped me out - "Progress is relative to where you have been." You've realized you wish to move forward and you are thinking through the steps to do so, silver and that's real progress.