I could really use some guidance

[lime]

((silver))

Not sure if you've posted there before, but the Starting Over board will probably have a lot of tips on practical aspects of this as well.

Hang in there.

[bonquiqui]

Know that you deserve better and that things will get harder before they get easier. Just take it day by day and put one foot in front of the other, and before you know it you will eventually start to feel like you made the right decision. There will be good days and bad days, but one day it will all make sense. I always told/tell myself that "sometimes things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

Lean on friends, family, and all of us. You deserve better, and so do your children.

[sapphireblue]

Okay....I haven't read most of the responses. I apologize for that as I think it's a good idea to do so. However, I don't have the time and I really want to write you.

I have been in three relationships where the guy cheated. One was a marriage of 10 years, the other two were serious boyfriends I had before I got married. Every time I gave the guy a chance. EVERY time it didn't work out in the end. I could not get past what had happened. I hope I have learned my lesson and that if it happens again I will NOT give the cheater a second chance.

With my exH, he agreed immediately to go to individual and marriage counseling with me. I think the fact that your H won't is a bad sign. Also, the fact that he met the other woman again is outrageous.

I am so sorry. I think some marriages can get past an affair but I don't get a sense that yours can. Of course I don't know you and all but based on the pain you are feeling I suspect you can't. I understand, in the end, I couldn't either.

You just want everything to be back the way it was before the affair but the thing is, you can't erase that. I can tell you that I am so so much happier now that I have divorced my exH. Marrying him, in retrospect, was a terrible decision on my part, for a number of reasons. Divorcing him was my attempt (successful one) to reclaim my life and set a new course.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

[LoveBug]

Ugh, I hate when anyone else has to go through this. Feel free to PM me. I have a similar issue and we are going through the divorce proceedings now. My H admitted to cheating multiple times. I was completely shocked, so shocked that I stayed for a few months because we had a 15 month old at the time. Within a few months, he scheduled couples counseling with a person who specialized in infidelity so I honestly thought we were going to put it all behind us and somehow out better. Wrong, so wrong. Months into the counseling, he admitted he wasn't honest during the sessions and had cheated more than he disclosed and still didn't know what he wanted.

At this point, I couldn't stay in the marriage any longer. I knew I could have forgiven the first time but not again. It's so scary and confusing at times and I feel lonely, but honestly I feel so less anxious and in Fact, less lonely being on my own now than when I was married to him. I feel stronger and happier. My DD is now 2 and while it's not the life I wanted for her or for me, it's better than the life I would have ended up with if I stayed with him. When I doubted the split, I reminded myself that I would be free of the worry and constant anxiety attacks. I also reminded myself that while I didn't want my DD to grow up with divorced parents, she would see us happier apart than together. I wanted to be a positive influence on her and if I stayed it, I would have been a depressed negative influence on her.

I think you are now in a place I once stood. You know what is right, but that decision means a lot of change and unknown. It's scary. Remember that staying can be just as scary. Don't stay just because you are scared to leave. If that's the case, you aren't staying for the right reasons.

Regardless of what you do, get some individual counseling. I did this while we were "working on our marriage" and it did wonders for my self esteem. Also, consider telling yourself that you don't have to make a decision today. Try the counseling and give yourself some time to really reflect. Only you know what is best for you.

The SO group is very supportive. I lurked there a lot before we were finally done because I kept convincing myself I didn't need to start over. I got a lot of inspiration from that board even without posting there.

Good luck, and again PM me if you would like. Good luck. ((Hugs))

[Deleted]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I was cheated on too. I caught my XH and he convinced me to give him another chance, and about 2.5 years later he cheated again (different woman, similar scenario). That's when I ended it. I was willing to give a second chance, but not a third. I've sometimes thought I should have just ended it the first time, too, but really I think it made it so much easier to know my decision was the right one when it happened twice. I think if I had left the first time I would have wondered if I should have worked harder at my marriage.

It's been about 18 months since we split and things are fantastic. It was hard at first, but got so much easier so much quicker than I would have expected. Within a few months I was very much over him and happy with the fact that we separated. I'm actually dating someone pretty great now, too. So many of my fears when we first split were along the lines of "what will life be like without what I'm used to? Will I be able to find a place to live that I can afford? Will dating be horrible? Etc." It was more the fear of the unknown I think. But what has turned out is so much better and has been so much easier than I expected. I am sure you will be ok too, even if it takes some time to get there.

[Deleted]

Since you asked for anecdotes, I have told this story before but I'll tell it again.

My late first husband told me, almost a year before he died, that he cheated on me while we were dating and that when we got married, he didn't mean his vows and he never wanted to get married. He said he did it bc he didn't want to lose me but he resented me ever since. I was horrified by all of it. He said he was on board with the marriage now and he had settled in, and he didn't want a divorce. I didn't feel justified filing, considering it was all in the past and he said he wanted to move forward. I cried a lot and took all the wedding photos down and stayed. I thought about divorce every day for months. I told him what I needed for him to make it up to me. He promised he'd do it, but he didn't do any of it. Things were a bit better when he died, but not much. After he died I realized that I had not been in love with him for a long time. He didn't put the work into winning me back.

I moved on much more quickly than would make sense from the outside because I had spent almost a year mourning the end of my marriage. You may experience something similar and feel better sooner than you think, since this has been keeping you down for so long. Who knows.

The moral of the story, for me, was that even though I couldn't see it until I got out of it, certain things aren't forgivable and that's ok.

[sapphireblue]

Jul 29, 2014 20:51:26 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

It's been about 18 months since we split and things are fantastic. It was hard at first, but got so much easier so much quicker than I would have expected. Within a few months I was very much over him and happy with the fact that we separated. I'm actually dating someone pretty great now, too. So many of my fears when we first split were along the lines of "what will life be like without what I'm used to? Will I be able to find a place to live that I can afford? Will dating be horrible? Etc." It was more the fear of the unknown I think. But what has turned out is so much better and has been so much easier than I expected. I am sure you will be ok too, even if it takes some time to get there.

I want to echo this. I stayed with him for 10 years. I knew I was unhappy much of that time but I didn't want to hurt him, I had married him and I took that seriously, etc. No kids for us. He had no family and my family loved him and he loved them and I didn't want to leave him alone on holidays and all that. But he was a terrible husband in numerous ways.

Well, he moved out and I instantly felt better, like a weight had been lifted from me. I took months to lose some weight (50 pounds I had gained due to being so unhappy) and then I, cautiously at first, tested the waters on OKCupid. After some months on the site, I began meeting guys. Had a great time, it was a huge ego boost, I had a lot of great sex. I almost doubled my "number" in a year. Then, after about a year on OKC, I met a guy and we fell in love.

He is sitting here next to me and he is so sweet and loving. I feel so incredibly fortunate that somehow, I summoned the strength that I had been trying to find for years and ended that marriage. Life is SO much better now.

You can do this!

[nerdicorn]

Jul 29, 2014 14:42:44 GMT -5 @silversprings said:

Jul 29, 2014 14:36:57 GMT -5 hereigo said:

Have you done any counseling?

No. I mentioned it to him and he refuses to go with me. I think I should go for myself though.

This is bad. If he was serious about this, he would drag his balls over a mile of broken glass if that was required, let alone do something as basic as going to counseling. IMO his ass would need to be in individual therapy as well as couples therapy. I hate being like "dump his ass", but he has demonstrated in a few ways a real lack of a)caring about you and b)commitment to fixing your relationship.

I would definitely encourage you to see a therapist on your own-- it may help bolster your strength to leave.

Not to add pressure but this is not just about feelings but physical safety too. What if he gives you a disease? What if he gives you hpv and you get cervical cancer? What if his inability to keep his dick to himself results in your children losing their mother?