I SAH, so I get you second guessing yourself. People don't share their opinions with me (to my face) probably because I'm an asshole. If you and your H are on the same page regarding your finances, meeting goals, your volunteer schedule, it is NO ONE ELSE's business. Share less with other people so they don't offer judgement, is my advice.
Post by heyrebekah on Jul 29, 2014 17:08:10 GMT -5
I think it is kind of odd. But as long as you and your husband are happy with the situation you shouldn't feel bad about it. The world needs more people willing to donate so much of their time to important causes, it's just that many people can't afford to.
I don't know that the volunteering is the real issue here. I just think it can sometimes be hard to listen to people complain about things they couldn't change but won't. Here, you're complaining about money being tight, and a simple solution would be for you to find a job, and you'd have more time to work if you didn't have several volunteer positions, so perhaps it would be a good idea to do paid work instead of your volunteering. That's all. They probably just don't want you to be stressed about money, and see what they think would be an easy way to fix that problem.
So I was talking with my BFF and was mentioning how stressful it is that we have all these medical bills and reno costs and we are stretched too thin right now. A bit later we were discussing how I recently was appointed chair of a department ... one of my volunteer positions (totally unpaid).
You (meaning you and your H) decide what is right for your family.
But, seriously, don't vent about financial issues to someone outside your marriage. It's going to be extremely tempting for someone to hear how you put a lot of effort into volunteering and need more money to say "problem solved, channel your energy into a paying job."
I don't know that the volunteering is the real issue here. I just think it can sometimes be hard to listen to people complain about things they couldn't change but won't. Here, you're complaining about money being tight, and a simple solution would be for you to find a job, and you'd have more time to work if you didn't have several volunteer positions, so perhaps it would be a good idea to do paid work instead of your volunteering. That's all. They probably just don't want you to be stressed about money, and see what they think would be an easy way to fix that problem.
Exactly.
I mean, people come on here all the time and are all, "can you believe my neighbor? She sits around all day and claims to be volunteering but is always talking about how broke she is, and they have all these expenses. I don't get why she doesn't get a job. This is a HCOL area, so I bet they are not saving for retirement." and then there's 80 responses of "OMG, she needs to get on MM stat, her budget must be a disaster!" and "wow, I'm glad I have my shit together and am not like that trainwreck."
You are just evidence of how ridiculous half those posts really are, as few people really have the full story before they judge. But the point is that people are judgey by human nature and when you put it out there, you expose yourself to judgment and/or suggestions that are often kind-spirited in nature but might feel judgmental.
Do what's right for your family. And don't volunteer information about your budget if you don't want feedback on it.
Post by FishChicks on Jul 29, 2014 17:23:18 GMT -5
I agree completely with v. If a friend complained to me that she was stressed about costs, especially ones that are pretty optional like renovations, and then also seemed to be choosing not to bring in money to cover those costs, I'd probably say something. If not about getting a job, then I'd likely say something about delaying expenses to avoid stress over them. Then again, maybe I'm a lousy friend!
Post by daisypaloma on Jul 29, 2014 17:34:00 GMT -5
From your previous posts, I don't think you're struggling. And I get the sense that you're good with investing and growing your $.
But, I would scale back on the volunteering (and thank you for all your efforts, btw) and focus more on tightening things up in your finances. You can always get the chair position next year.
I don't think you really need a job necessarily, but focusing your time on these unpaid volunteer work (and even may need to find a sitter) while you are stressing out about medical bills and reno costs (two major expenses) also makes no real sense to me.
When you complain about money, the default solution (by most people) is to earn more. So they won't 'get' the fact that you're complaining about your volunteer issues when you can (in their pov) shift focus to earning/investing more for your family, that is all.
Good luck. You're good people. Maybe try not to vent too much about the $ issue outside of your DH and yourself so you don't need to explain your reasoning behind not having a paying job.
I do think a true friend would understand that "getting a job" isn't really what you are looking for in terms of advice and that you just need an ear. Do what works for you.
Is it really that easy to just "get a job" that is flexible and lets you work the hours you feel like working so that you can continue to deal with household and child-related stuff? I think it's kind of weird advice to give someone who clearly doesn't want FT work.
Is it really that easy to just "get a job" that is flexible and lets you work the hours you feel like working so that you can continue to deal with household and child-related stuff? I think it's kind of weird advice to give someone who clearly doesn't want FT work.
Yeah, but they might not get that. Not all advice is helpful, but that also doesn't mean that it is bashing or odd necessarily? It may come from a "doctor, it hurts when I do this" "well, don't do that" place.
"Slightly concerned about finances". I would need to know more about that - as well as your overall financial picture (savings, emergency fund in place? retirement being funded? You have a spousal IRA? Do you save first for renovations before doing them? etc. Do you have other consumer debt?
If / when your staying at home impacts your ability to take care of financial obligations, it is time to bring in more money. PT jobs are not always easy to find, so you may need to be more aggressive in thinking about what/where you may fit into the work world.
I get the volunteering being rewarding and being a SAH making life run more smoothly at home -- but you also have to look at any negative impacts of that on your family - not just the positives.
If you complain about money - you need to change how you are budgeting/handling your money OR you need to get a job. Nobody gets everything they want in life.
I am a SAHM and it sounds like we have somewhat similar financial challenges so I hear you. We are not "broke." We save decently for retirement and education, have a healthy year plus in a liquid emergency fund, etc., have enough to take care of our needs and some (but not all) of our modest wants but when unexpected costs come up it still makes you feel the pinch b/c it's impacting your day to day. I don't think it's fair to say that the automatic answer is to get a job. If your circumstances are as you describe, you are just venting and temporarily stressed and looking for an outlet. Going back to work might be feasible, but would clearly bring a different kind of stress - you're renovating, who will be home to let contractors in, etc.
I would love to volunteer. I can't b/c DH works long hours and I have limited access to free sitters like my parents and paying for one so I can volunteer is not in our budget. But you can't put volunteering on the same level as having a job even if you are doing a lot of it. It's kind of silly to say you can/should replace one with the other.
Post by polarbearfans on Jul 29, 2014 19:08:18 GMT -5
I commit a lot of my time to volunteering, so I don't really think anything negative about your position. I work full time too, but I love the groups I am part of. Even those you stay at home, which is a huge job in itself, you are keeping skills and making connections for the future.
I'm a sahm. I recently paid a sitter so I could attend our neighborhood's HOA meeting and complain about a bullshit $35 fee they tried to charge me. I got the fee removed, and then came home and wrote a check for $40 to my babysitter, lol.
I don't volunteer nearly as much as I would like to, because I would have to pay a sitter $12/hr, and I just can't justify that very often.
You do need to stop talking finances with other people though. I know it's hard, but your life will be much easier once you stop.
Good luck and enjoy your Chair position, so exciting!
I think it's great that you volunteer. The only part that sticks out to me, is that your H works overtime to cover expenses. In that case I would cut down my volunteering and try to find a PT job so that he didn't have to work so much and could spend more time with his family.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jul 29, 2014 21:36:17 GMT -5
Stop talking about your finances. People are telling you that you need to get a job because you are complaining about your finances more than you likely realize.
Whether you go back to work or not is a discussion between you or your husband. However, if your husband is working a lot of overtime or second jobs to keep your family afloat, its time to rethink some things, even if it means that your husband has to start helping out around the house more.
Is it really that easy to just "get a job" that is flexible and lets you work the hours you feel like working so that you can continue to deal with household and child-related stuff? I think it's kind of weird advice to give someone who clearly doesn't want FT work.
Well, no, but that's kind of life and part of having a job, lol. I don't really want FT work and I'd love if my job just let me work the hours I feel like working, but that isn't how it works. I suspect that OP's friend hears the complaints about being stretched thin and worried about finances and is thinking this same thing.
Volunteering is a great thing and it is nice that you have the ability to do that but have you ever talked finances with her before? Like being stressed and stretched too thin? If so, maybe she is hearing the same thing again for the Xth time and is wondering what, if anything you are going to do about it. This is her way of pushing you to do something other than complaining.
Then again, maybe she is projecting her own issues. Who knows.
But no matter the reason, no more talking finances with people who are not professionals (like accountants or financial advisers) if you don't want to hear what they think.