I feel weird about this...

[readyin07]

As I have posted about (a ridiculous amount), my SIL is getting married this weekend. DH and I and both our kids (5 and 2) are in the wedding.

From the outset, we needed a babysitter to watch our younger child both while we were getting ready and also in the event there is any kind of an issue during the ceremony. The wedding is at 5. I have no idea what time hair/make-up/photos begins for the BMs.  We do know that the groomsmen photos are planned for 2:30 and the BMs come after. We do not live in the area so DH asked his good high school friend for a recommendation. She gave him the name of a local high schooler who sits for her 2 year old, which was fine with us b/c we will all be on site. All seemed good. Then today babysitter's mom called DH - DH said it sounded  like she was just "vetting" us, which he had no problem with nor do I. However, then he mentions that the mother said that she wanted a female to come and walk her daughter up to the suite and that at no time was her daughter to be alone in the suite with any male.  And DH was like oh, certainly, that's fine. But, dude, there is no way we can guarantee that. I am going to be a lot busier than DH and it is definitely probable that he is going to be the one who will be going to the suite to get the kids to take them to get ready and for photos and all of that. I am aggravated that he made that assurance and now I feel weird about the whole thing.

The groom's niece and nephew of about the same age are also in the wedding along with their dad and their mother just decided that she wanted to get hair and makeup done with the bridal party. So she is asking if our babysitter can also watch her younger son while he naps? DH originally told the babysitter he would pay her what his friend pays ($8/hr) with a tip because of the unusual circumstances and because she may also need to watch out for our 5 year old if he has any downtime. We were thinking $10/hr...but I am certainly not going to take advantage of her.  Our 4 kids will be the only ones at the wedding so I am sure they will all play together and I can see them thinking oh it's no big deal to send our kids off with her at the reception for instance. We don't know this family at all, but somehow we're going to make it clear that if she ends up having to manage their kids too that they will need to tip her as well.

Ugh. The whole thing just seems uncomfortable to me. DH made sure to mention that she needs a meal (they had to guarantee for 150 for the venue and only have about 110 coming so we don't have to provide for her meal separately), but I have no idea where she is seated  for the reception and the ceremony and DH keeps hemming and hawing about stressing her out about asking. There is no point here, just a vent.

[TheSeaward]

how old is the babysitter?
I hope you are going to pay her $10 per hour per child, anything else IS taking advantage
and yes she needs to be fed
and as for her mother not wanting her alone with any strange males, how is that at all unreasonable?

I guess I am not understanding what you are so "weirded out" about

[meganew]

Jul 29, 2014 17:51:10 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

how old is the babysitter?
I hope you are going to pay her $10 per hour per child, anything else IS taking advantage
and yes she needs to be fed
and as for her mother not wanting her alone with any strange males, how is that at all unreasonable?

I guess I am not understanding what you are so "weirded out" about

I think she's weirded out by the fact that her H told the mom she wouldn't be left alone with any adult males, but that her H might have to go up there and get the kids/get them ready.

OP, could you contact the mom and let her know that? Is there anyone else at the wedding that could go with him to help?

And the other family definitely has to pay her, but I think $10 an hour from you guys is fine. I've never heard of $10 per child per hour- maybe a few dollars extra for the extra kid, but not double.

[isabel]

Jul 29, 2014 17:51:10 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

I hope you are going to pay her $10 per hour per child, anything else IS taking advantage

You expect them to pay this high schooler with no degree and probably no CPR/first aid certification $40 per hour!?!?! Jesus. I should have stayed a nanny.

[TheSeaward]

Jul 29, 2014 18:02:24 GMT -5 isabel said:

Jul 29, 2014 17:51:10 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

I hope you are going to pay her $10 per hour per child, anything else IS taking advantage

You expect them to pay this high schooler with no degree and probably no CPR/first aid certification $40 per hour!?!?! Jesus. I should have stayed a nanny.

that is the going rate here
and most high schoolers who baby sit are cpr/first aid trained - the local hospitals have baby sitting classes for teens that certify them
my sd is almost 15 and she gets that rate no problem.

[isabel]

Jul 29, 2014 18:03:56 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

Jul 29, 2014 18:02:24 GMT -5 isabel said:

You expect them to pay this high schooler with no degree and probably no CPR/first aid certification $40 per hour!?!?! Jesus. I should have stayed a nanny.

that is the going rate here
and most high schoolers who baby sit are cpr/first aid trained - the local hospitals have baby sitting classes for teens that certify them
my sd is almost 15 and she gets that rate no problem.

Whelp, time for me to move wherever you are. I'm jealous!

[CajunShrimp]

Yeah, $10 is too low for 4 kids, but $40 is much, much too high.

[shopgirl07]

$40 fucking dollars per hour? No. I don't think so.

[TheSeaward]

I must live in a high rent district
$10 per hour per kid at somewhere besides the child's own home, is not at all out of the norm.

[Deleted]

LOL, I live in LA and babysitters don't get $40/hour here. I am in NYC now and about to start asking people on the streets what they pay high school sitters. If anyone says $40//hour I'll let you know ASAP.

That said, I get the idea this is stressful, but the mom's request about the sitter not being alone in a hotel with a man is totally reasonable. Especially at a venue where people will be drinking. That makes sense to me. Our dog sitter is never, ever alone with DH, because I know what liability looks like and it closely resembles an adult male alone with a high school aged female he does not know well and is not related to.

[readyin07]

It's just all the uncertainty of who is coming and going and keeping it all straight. She is 15 or just turned 16.

DH's friend pays her $8 an hour to watch one child. She thought us offering her $10 an hour seemed fair as our older son really will not need babysitting. Babysitter agreed with our suggestion so I don't think that is taking advantage.

I don't have a problem with her mother's request per se, but I don't know how DH thinks we can honor it. When she first gets there at 2, I will most likely be off-site getting hair and make-up done. DH and the guys are getting ready at the actual venue so we were planning on him introducing her to the kids and letting her into the suite. MIL and I will both be off-site...no other family is staying at the venue so there are no other women to do this.

[RoxMonster]

$40/hour is too much.

I think $10-15/hour for your kids is fine.

If you think it is not possible for her to not be alone with just your DH, I would call the mom and be up front about that. Are there any other females in the wedding who will be there and be able to go up with your DH?

ETA: We posted at the same time.
So you think it will be impossible for a female to be there with your DH? If so, I think you need to tell the mom that and just understand this will likely be a deal breaker for them.

[TheSeaward]

well it isn't 40 per hour, it is 10 per hour per kid, she won't be watching all 4 at the same time, at least that is how i understand it. you could probably negotiate something of a discount for extra kids, my sd sometimes does that depending on the situation

example - 3 kids, at the children's home, late when they likely will be sleeping, she will do 10 per hour for the first kid, 8 per hour for the 2nd, 6 per hour for the 3rd etc. but at a place with people drinking, outside the home, kids whose parents she does not know, she would not discount. and yes I too would insist on not being along with men too.

[lime]

Jul 29, 2014 18:10:03 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

I don't have a problem with her mother's request per se, but I don't know how DH thinks we can honor it. 

The request itself isn't bad, but the timing is. This gives you no wiggle room in which to move things around, if you have to. 

[kaybee85]

I would think each family could pay 10-15 dollars an hour.

[TheSeaward]

Jul 29, 2014 18:10:03 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

It's just all the uncertainty of who is coming and going and keeping it all straight. She is 15 or just turned 16.

DH's friend pays her $8 an hour to watch one child. She thought us offering her $10 an hour seemed fair as our older son really will not need babysitting. Babysitter agreed with our suggestion so I don't think that is taking advantage.

I don't have a problem with her mother's request per se, but I don't know how DH thinks we can honor it. When she first gets there at 2, I will most likely be off-site getting hair and make-up done. DH and the guys are getting ready at the actual venue so we were planning on him introducing her to the kids and letting her into the suite. MIL and I will both be off-site...no other family is staying at the venue so there are no other women to do this.

you keep saying you have a problem with DH honoring the mothers request, but you should not have issue with that at all.  it is NOT unreasonable.  you either make it happen or find your another sitter.  this child and her mother are doing you and your husband, who are TOTAL strangers, a huge favor

[TheSeaward]

Jul 29, 2014 18:14:18 GMT -5 @stpete said:

gtfo with this $40/hr.

So I'm guessing daycare center teachers are pulling in about $200k a year where you live?

the teachers aren't, but the owners are (quite a bit more actually)

[readyin07]

Jul 29, 2014 18:09:09 GMT -5 elle said:

LOL, I live in LA and babysitters don't get $40/hour here. I am in NYC now and about to start asking people on the streets what they pay high school sitters. If anyone says $40//hour I'll let you know ASAP.

That said, I get the idea this is stressful, but the mom's request about the sitter not being alone in a hotel with a man is totally reasonable. Especially at a venue where people will be drinking. That makes sense to me. Our dog sitter is never, ever alone with DH, because I know what liability looks like and it closely resembles an adult male alone with a high school aged female he does not know well and is not related to.

I do understand her position, I really do. Honestly, my kids have never been left with anyone who isn't family or over the age of consent so I am a little iffy on the whole thing to begin with.

Mostly, I am annoyed with DH about not thinking it through and discussing it more in-depth with the mom before just saying "oh sure."  I can't be in two places at once, I don't have a ton of control over the schedule and I don't want to be in the position where we end up lying to the mother. It just makes me really uneasy. DH is like "oh we will work it out" and if I or my dad have to go get the kids and you can't be there, I won't enter the hotel room, I'll just stand outside it with the door open.

[polarbearfans]

Can a female member of the hotel staff step in when your husband needs to enter the room with the babysitter?

eta: obviously you will need to tip the hotel staff member for this extra bit, but that should solve the problem

[readyin07]

See, when I start to get into a panic I don't think. I just called DH and was like oooh, I don't like this and I realized she'll have a cell (things have changed since I babysat lol). He will just have to call her and have her meet him somewhere in a common space with the kids or ask her to step out if he needs something from the room. I think DH's dad was going to use our room as home base and hang out with the kids on and off when he wasn't needed, but we'll just tell him no, that's not a big thing.

Now onto the problem of the potential babysitting freeloaders...DH will just have to man up and ask them to chip in if we see them using her.

[VeryViolet]

Can you take your youngest with you to wherever you are getting ready and have the babysitter meet you there?

[vanillacourage]

Your older son is 5. He absolutely still needs babysitting. Don't let that he a reason why you don't need to pay her more.

[underwaterrhymes]

LOL. There is no fucking way anyone makes $10 per hour per child anywhere on planet Earth.


We live in a very HCOL and pay $15 - $18 per hour for one child and would probably add $2 - $5 per hour per kid. $40 per hour for four kids is crazy.

[janiejones]

I always got paid the standard rate by each family I watched when they were all together.

So My cousin paid me 7.5 or 10$/ hour for her two kids (whatever the rate was back then) and her friend would pay me the same for adding on her kid(s) when they went out together. I liked that arrangement as a teen. It was double, but not excessive.

Let's be honest, that many kids is a lot.

[rupertpenny]

Am I the only one that thinks the stipulation about never being alone with a man is a little over the top? If you are babysitting encountering the children's father is kind of part of the job description.

[Jenniatonu]

I made $10 an hour for two kids and thought that was beyond fair. Then I moved and was paid $5 for two kids and felt ripped off. Jealous of $10 p/kid

[5dollarshake]

I sympathize with you. I had a similar situation a few weeks ago -- DH and I, plus both of our daughters (3 years and 18 mos) were all in a wedding together on a Friday night 2.5 hours from where we live. We ended up bringing my MIL with us to watch the girls and help them get ready / entertain them during the reception. I was really anxious about it because I'm an over-planner, and I had some of the same concerns as you -- where will she sit during dinner, where will she be with the kids, etc. It worked out fine though, and I'm really glad she came. Although we didn't pay her to babysit (we offered, she would not accept), we did pay for her hotel room for the night.

I would recommend that you find someone else to watch your kids, preferably someone older so that you feel more comfortable. It is completely understandable that the mom is worried about her teenage daughter potentially being alone, and I also understand your realistic concern about making sure that doesn't happen. So I would avoid the situation altogether. Maybe you can find a college student nearby? Or bring a family member?

Good luck!

[rupertpenny]

Jul 29, 2014 19:17:33 GMT -5 @booby said:

Jul 29, 2014 19:16:26 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Am I the only one that thinks the stipulation about never being alone with a man is a little over the top? If you are babysitting encountering the children's father is kind of part of the job description.

you and me, lady.  i'm side eyeing everyone else in here for saying it's reasonable.  

I mean, let's be honest, the expectation is that women will take care of most childcare stuff anyway. But now their male partners can't even be involved in the delegation of childcare? It is dumb. 

[underwaterrhymes]

Jul 29, 2014 19:15:57 GMT -5 janiejones said:

I always got paid the standard rate by each family I watched when they were all together.

So My cousin paid me 7.5 or 10$/ hour for her two kids (whatever the rate was back then) and her friend would pay me the same for adding on her kid(s) when they went out together. I liked that arrangement as a teen. It was double, but not excessive.

Let's be honest, that many kids is a lot.

It's absolutely a lot and she should make more than $10 an hour.

But $40 an hour is absurd.

[readyin07]

Jul 29, 2014 19:16:26 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Am I the only one that thinks the stipulation about never being alone with a man is a little over the top? If you are babysitting encountering the children's father is kind of part of the job description.

You know, I told DH that I felt as though if I had arranged the babysitting and said I was so-and-so's good friend this probably would not have even come up. But it possibly weirded the mom out that he was handling the arrangements and that's what I get for delegating. The neighborhood they live in and where she babysits is very much wealthy Mayberry where everyone knows everyone so this is probably out of the ordinary. Listen, I was pretty much giving DH the same spiel b/c we don't know HER and she'll be watching our kids so  I get it. I just wish maybe this had come up when we booked her 4 weeks ago instead of right now when we are leaving on our flight first thing tomorrow and I am crazy managing kids and packing

Really, I am fine paying her $10 an hour. She was fine with $8 and we offered more. My 5yo does need babysitting, but he will be getting ready and doing photos with DH and also standing through the whole ceremony. She is only staying the first hour of the reception and that will probably be where he needs more attention before we start eating/dancing.