A few of you have mentioned that you've been single a long time or are single and love it.
So...sex. Do you have casual hookups? FWB? Just take care of business yourself? Abstain?
Are you cool with it? I don't need anyone's money or approval, but it would be nice not to sleep in a cold empty bed every single night, if you know what I mean. Especially since my life has always been lacking in this department and it seems nothing is going to change anytime soon.
I've been single for almost 3 years. I have a fwb, who lives in another state. We see each other once a month, if schedules permit. I've had one casual hook up, but I'd prefer to be naked and vulnerable with someone I know a little. I also get myself off regularly!
There are definitely times I want someone in my bed, but it's not a constant thought. It's usually when life is kicking my ass...and then I reach out to my friends who do exactly what a SO would...let me vent and tell me we'll get through it...and sometimes we cuddle!
I've had sex with some of the guys I've casually dated, some hookups here and there and an FWB. I'm a big fan of toys. I don't mind the sleeping alone part as I sort of hate sharing my bed hahah.
I've had sex with some of the guys I've casually dated, some hookups here and there and an FWB. I'm a big fan of toys. I don't mind the sleeping alone part as I sort of hate sharing my bed hahah.
I am not good at FWB but ive been single around 5 years (give or take some relationships that didn't last long). I have obviously had sex when I was in a relationship, otherwise I take care of myself. Not as good as sex but I don't have to worry about emotions, stds or getting ku!
Also, I think sex and the intimacy of sharing a bed are two very different things.
+1 here
I think I'm JUST getting to the point where I'd be ok w/ sex again .... but the intimacy of sharing a bed for more than a few hours ?!? ha !!
stbxh and I were together for 13 years (I was 26 when we met) and thankfully I had some very tawdry college years before that so I'm not opposed to a FWB or even a hook up if the circumstances were right. however, at 40 w/ a 5 yo ?!? .. talk about one of life's great challenges ....
"Sharing a bed" isn't what I meant. It was just a way to describe that my bed is ALWAYS cold and empty, aka no sex.
This is the hardest part for me. I had a roommate style, almost completely sexless marriage, with someone I wasn't remotely attracted to. We should never have gotten married but I was young and dumb. After my divorce, my rebound opened my eyes to how awesome sex actually can be, and now I want it all the time but I have cobwebs. I feel like I've missed out my entire life. Taking care of business myself is not the same and it makes me depressed. But I honestly don't like any of the options.
"Sharing a bed" isn't what I meant. It was just a way to describe that my bed is ALWAYS cold and empty, aka no sex.
This is the hardest part for me. I had a roommate style, almost completely sexless marriage, with someone I wasn't remotely attracted to. We should never have gotten married but I was young and dumb. After my divorce, my rebound opened my eyes to how awesome sex actually can be, and now I want it all the time but I have cobwebs. I feel like I've missed out my entire life. Taking care of business myself is not the same and it makes me depressed. But I honestly don't like any of the options.
Did you delete the post from last night?
You seriously need to work on yourself. I get the lonely feeling, believe me, but you need to get to a place in your life where you aren't dependent on someone else making you happy.
"Sharing a bed" isn't what I meant. It was just a way to describe that my bed is ALWAYS cold and empty, aka no sex.
This is the hardest part for me. I had a roommate style, almost completely sexless marriage, with someone I wasn't remotely attracted to. We should never have gotten married but I was young and dumb. After my divorce, my rebound opened my eyes to how awesome sex actually can be, and now I want it all the time but I have cobwebs. I feel like I've missed out my entire life. Taking care of business myself is not the same and it makes me depressed. But I honestly don't like any of the options.
Did you delete the post from last night?
You seriously need to work on yourself. I get the lonely feeling, believe me, but you need to get to a place in your life where you aren't dependent on someone else making you happy.
I 100% agree with the above. What happens if you start a relationship/marriage and those end (break up, divorce, even spouse passing away). You will be right back to feeling lonely and sad. Counting on someone else to make you happy means you can never guarantee you will be happy - that person could leave at anytime. Figuring out how to be happy with yourself means that no matter what life throws at you, you will be able to survive and thrive.
You seriously need to work on yourself. I get the lonely feeling, believe me, but you need to get to a place in your life where you aren't dependent on someone else making you happy.
I 100% agree with the above. What happens if you start a relationship/marriage and those end (break up, divorce, even spouse passing away). You will be right back to feeling lonely and sad. Counting on someone else to make you happy means you can never guarantee you will be happy - that person could leave at anytime. Figuring out how to be happy with yourself means that no matter what life throws at you, you will be able to survive and thrive.
ITA...every post you've made has been in reference to needing a relationship to feel good. Make friends, get new hobbies, enjoy life...stop seeking validation from some guy.
Post by Wanderista on Jul 30, 2014 14:30:37 GMT -5
I agree with a lot of the advice that others have given. It's really important to work on being in a strong place emotionally before you date to the extent that you can. You need to feel internally strong so that you can "roll with the punches" so to speak. You want to be in a healthy emotional space so that you attract emotionally healthy people and so that you are strong enough to avoid situations that are not healthy.
I don't think there's any strict rule for what to do when single for long stretches. You just kind of do what you've got to do. What exactly that is differs for everyone and can vary at different times. There are plenty of ways to explore sex and to start having good sexual experiences even just on your own.
I was in a very similar place to you following my divorce. I was a roommate type marriage ant then way too quickly jumped into a relationship with someone from my past who I believed was "the one." Getting over that relationship was much harder than my divorce. But I had also pushed aside feelings from my divorce and then those came back and impacted me. I was a mess. Some ladies on this board may remember. I continued to try and date and it was a disaster.
What I've come out of this with is: 1. That man was not the love of your life and my guy wasn't mine. Until you really, truly accept that and are over the relationship you aren't ready to move on 2. What you may think right now in regards to sex may change (or it may not) but I'm much more open to some occasional casual sex/dating than I ever would I have thought a few years ago 3. Being alone does not = being lonely. As many posters have mentioned you need to find happiness in friends, family and hobbies.
"Sharing a bed" isn't what I meant. It was just a way to describe that my bed is ALWAYS cold and empty, aka no sex.
This is the hardest part for me. I had a roommate style, almost completely sexless marriage, with someone I wasn't remotely attracted to. We should never have gotten married but I was young and dumb. After my divorce, my rebound opened my eyes to how awesome sex actually can be, and now I want it all the time but I have cobwebs. I feel like I've missed out my entire life. Taking care of business myself is not the same and it makes me depressed. But I honestly don't like any of the options.
I'm wondering about this statement. I get that taking care of yourself isn't the same or as good as actual sex, but it shouldn't make you depressed. I
t seems that you are looking at it as meaning that you are alone. Don't look at it like that. Look at it strictly as getting an orgasm, feeling good, whatever. When you seeing it as something depressing, you might find that you actually enjoy it and that it can leave you fairly sexually fulfilled.
But I think it's bullshit to hold it against me that I want to be in a relationship. It's what humans do and it's how we're wired. Why do you think gay marriage is such a hot topic now? Because being in a relationship matters to everyone. Being alone, like I have been my entire life, is going against my nature.
And I am here venting to people I thought would understand. I haven't explained anything else about my life or how I fill my downtime. But my friends, hobbies, career, therapy....NONE of it makes up for what I am missing.
And making me sound bad for wanting companionship and love is just shitty.
I'm glad the rest of you all have it figured out though.
But I think it's bullshit to hold it against me that I want to be in a relationship. It's what humans do and it's how we're wired. Why do you think gay marriage is such a hot topic now? Because being in a relationship matters to everyone. Being alone, like I have been my entire life, is going against my nature.
And I am here venting to people I thought would understand. I haven't explained anything else about my life or how I fill my downtime. But my friends, hobbies, career, therapy....NONE of it makes up for what I am missing.
And making me sound bad for wanting companionship and love is just shitty.
I'm glad the rest of you all have it figured out though.
I think you're misreading what we are saying.
Being in a relationship does not matter to everyone. I understand it does to you and that's ok, but until you are happy with yourself, you will never have a happy, successful relationship.
Post by DirtySouth on Jul 30, 2014 16:26:44 GMT -5
I havent been single very long, although I separated quite some time before I "came out" on here. Honestly, I'm just not able to go without sex and that has been a frustration about being single.
I've had a few fwb. All were guys I met online for dates and it was clear it wouldn't work for a relationship, so we agreed to being fwb.
One guy has a lot going on and can't meet often at all. He did spend the night on Friday, though. But I expect no consistency at all and if we happen to hang out, I enjoy but have zero expectations as far as getting together again.
Another fwb would be available often if I wanted, but I went to his place once and it completely freaked me out. I ended up flaking on him the last couple of times because I just view him different now that I've seen his gross way of living. We are getting together on Friday, though - but at my place.
I had one fwb very regularly for six weeks. That was seriously great while it lasted. We were different enough that there was no chance of falling for each other, the sex was great, and we were able to meet up 2-3 times a week. Then he met someone and went totally silent. I'd love to find a situation like that again because it really was a blast.
moonlight no one is holding it against you that you want a relationship. What were saying is there is MORE to life than a relationship and you should be able to generally be happy enjoy life regardless of your relationship status. It's hard, I think we've all been where you are. But you can either choose to accept that at this exact moment a relationship is not in the cards for you or you can continue to be depressed and miserable. I have chosen to make the most of what my life does currently offer me. I've also found this approach tends to make me better positioned to attract people for a relationship.
But I think it's bullshit to hold it against me that I want to be in a relationship. It's what humans do and it's how we're wired. Why do you think gay marriage is such a hot topic now? Because being in a relationship matters to everyone. Being alone, like I have been my entire life, is going against my nature.
And I am here venting to people I thought would understand. I haven't explained anything else about my life or how I fill my downtime. But my friends, hobbies, career, therapy....NONE of it makes up for what I am missing.
And making me sound bad for wanting companionship and love is just shitty.
I'm glad the rest of you all have it figured out though.
No one is bashing your want for a relationship. I understand relationships are important to most people but to find a happy and healthy relationship you need to be in a good place with yourself. You seem desperate for companionship which I worry will lea you to settle for someone just to not be alone.
I think it's great that you had a great relationship after your divorce but you also stuck with a bad marriage for a long time. I wonder if part of that was out of your fear of being alone - more alone than you felt in your marriage.
I'm not even sure what the problem is here, but it sure is dramatic. The "work on yourself, find a way to be happy on your own" is a standard refrain here, which is meant to be encouraging/empowering, as far as I can tell. If you've already done all that, and finding a relationship is the only thing that will make you happy and complete, then pursue it. However, if you're in therapy for relationship-related issues, don't you think you should wait until you have those under control?
And if the issue is that you want sex but aren't ready for a relationship, then get online and pursue a FWB. You said you have trouble letting people in or letting them see you as vulnerable, so odds are you wouldn't get hurt in a situation like that.
Really, my advice is: do whatever the fuck you want!
But I think it's bullshit to hold it against me that I want to be in a relationship. It's what humans do and it's how we're wired. Why do you think gay marriage is such a hot topic now? Because being in a relationship matters to everyone. Being alone, like I have been my entire life, is going against my nature.
And I am here venting to people I thought would understand. I haven't explained anything else about my life or how I fill my downtime. But my friends, hobbies, career, therapy....NONE of it makes up for what I am missing.
And making me sound bad for wanting companionship and love is just shitty.
I'm glad the rest of you all have it figured out though.
Honestly, I don't think the other posters gave bad advice BUT I don't see why they are jumping on you about this topic either. I just read your other post because I assumed I missed something, and I didn't see anything alarming. Your marriage has been over about 2 years and you've had 2 relationships in that time. That doesn't sound that bad. You didn't say anything about being desperate to find someone now. What am I missing?
To answer your question - I was single for about 8.5 months after I split with my ex, and I abstained during that time (except for an unfortunate slip up with my ex a month or so after we split, admittedly!). I found it really hard and masturbating was ok but left me less that satisfied. I started dating with the intention to keep things casual, because I actually was really enjoying being single and doing my own thing, but I thought it would be fun to meet some new people and hopefully have some sex. I ended up meeting my BF pretty quickly so it turned out that I didn't have sex until him, so the casual sex thing really didn't happen for me.
I have no issue with casual sex and had plenty of it before I met my XH. I also had a FWB. I think the key to casual hookups is keeping your expectations in check - sleeping together doesn't mean they want a relationship, so don't get too attached until you have talked about that more. If you definitely want more from someone, don't sleep with them unless they do too or it's likely you'll get hurt. A FWB who you have zero emotional connection with seems to be best. And not everyone can separate sex from emotions.
Honestly, I don't think the other posters gave bad advice BUT I don't see why they are jumping on you about this topic either. I just read your other post because I assumed I missed something, and I didn't see anything alarming. Your marriage has been over about 2 years and you've had 2 relationships in that time. That doesn't sound that bad. You didn't say anything about being desperate to find someone now. What am I missing?
To answer your question - I was single for about 8.5 months after I split with my ex, and I abstained during that time (except for an unfortunate slip up with my ex a month or so after we split, admittedly!). I found it really hard and masturbating was ok but left me less that satisfied. I started dating with the intention to keep things casual, because I actually was really enjoying being single and doing my own thing, but I thought it would be fun to meet some new people and hopefully have some sex. I ended up meeting my BF pretty quickly so it turned out that I didn't have sex until him, so the casual sex thing really didn't happen for me.
I have no issue with casual sex and had plenty of it before I met my XH. I also had a FWB. I think the key to casual hookups is keeping your expectations in check - sleeping together doesn't mean they want a relationship, so don't get too attached until you have talked about that more. If you definitely want more from someone, don't sleep with them unless they do too or it's likely you'll get hurt. A FWB who you have zero emotional connection with seems to be best. And not everyone can separate sex from emotions.
This post from the 29th:
Jul 29, 2014 2:53:56 GMT -5 moonlight said: I hate dating. Hate, hate, hate it. My last relationship was with the love of my life who I've known for more than half my life and who knew all my flaws and deep dark secrets but loved me anyway. How the hell am I supposed to move on to a total stranger that sees me as a piece of ass? And they all do. And more time won't matter. It's been long enough. FML. I just keep pushing them away. I'm gonna die single and celibate because I keep pushing them away. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to have causal sex and feel like shit but I don't want to attempt to recreate what can never be recreated. F M L
And her intro: Hey guys! I just discovered this board. H&G is my usual board but I've been venturing out lately. Thought I'd introduce myself.
Even though my status says I'm new, I really just read more than I post. I've been a knottie/nestie since 2003, mostly on the home boards. I got married in 2004 and we separated in fall of 2012. Divorce was final summer of 2013.
After we separated, I had the inevitable rebound...with a coworker (which I do not recommend). That ended painfully when he left me for his ex. After that I reconnected with the love of my life. We've been in love from afar for 18 years. Thirteen years ago he told me he was in love with me but I was young and dumb and married XH instead. When we reconnected, we were both going through divorces, but we were finally together, and all was right with the world. But his son couldn't handle his parents' separation, and he felt too much guilt for leaving, so he went back to her and broke my heart. They are currently miserable together. I waited a year for him to come to his senses, but it became too painful and I had to move on for my sanity. So now I'm 34 and back in the dating game. Not where I thought I'd be at this age.
So her in 1 year divorced, it sounds as if she's not really focused on herself whatsoever. That is what you missed and why everyone keeps saying it.
I agree with pretty much everything said by @buckybells.
The key for me with a fwb is it needs to be someone that has some qualities I really don't like so I know they would never work for a real relationship, but they are good in bed and fun to hang out with. For example, the six week fwb was much younger than me, a smoker, and we has very few shared interests. One of my current fwb is also much younger and he's a financial mess. The other hates religion and said he wouldn't even go to church on major holidays, and after seeing his gross place I also suspect he is a financial mess. All of these are huge dealbreakers for a relationship and I'm able to just turn off the emotional part that usuall goes along with sex for me because of them.
With a guy I actually really like and don't see bug red flags, I actually have to be careful about not having sex too soon or else I get overly attached too fast.
Btw, it's crazy easy to find a fwb through online dating, so if it's just sex that you want, you should have no problem. Just be careful to protect your heart and your health and have fun.
Honestly, I don't think the other posters gave bad advice BUT I don't see why they are jumping on you about this topic either. I just read your other post because I assumed I missed something, and I didn't see anything alarming. Your marriage has been over about 2 years and you've had 2 relationships in that time. That doesn't sound that bad. You didn't say anything about being desperate to find someone now. What am I missing?
To answer your question - I was single for about 8.5 months after I split with my ex, and I abstained during that time (except for an unfortunate slip up with my ex a month or so after we split, admittedly!). I found it really hard and masturbating was ok but left me less that satisfied. I started dating with the intention to keep things casual, because I actually was really enjoying being single and doing my own thing, but I thought it would be fun to meet some new people and hopefully have some sex. I ended up meeting my BF pretty quickly so it turned out that I didn't have sex until him, so the casual sex thing really didn't happen for me.
I have no issue with casual sex and had plenty of it before I met my XH. I also had a FWB. I think the key to casual hookups is keeping your expectations in check - sleeping together doesn't mean they want a relationship, so don't get too attached until you have talked about that more. If you definitely want more from someone, don't sleep with them unless they do too or it's likely you'll get hurt. A FWB who you have zero emotional connection with seems to be best. And not everyone can separate sex from emotions.
This post from the 29th:
Jul 29, 2014 2:53:56 GMT -5 moonlight said: I hate dating. Hate, hate, hate it. My last relationship was with the love of my life who I've known for more than half my life and who knew all my flaws and deep dark secrets but loved me anyway. How the hell am I supposed to move on to a total stranger that sees me as a piece of ass? And they all do. And more time won't matter. It's been long enough. FML. I just keep pushing them away. I'm gonna die single and celibate because I keep pushing them away. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to have causal sex and feel like shit but I don't want to attempt to recreate what can never be recreated. F M L
And her intro: Hey guys! I just discovered this board. H&G is my usual board but I've been venturing out lately. Thought I'd introduce myself.
Even though my status says I'm new, I really just read more than I post. I've been a knottie/nestie since 2003, mostly on the home boards. I got married in 2004 and we separated in fall of 2012. Divorce was final summer of 2013.
After we separated, I had the inevitable rebound...with a coworker (which I do not recommend). That ended painfully when he left me for his ex. After that I reconnected with the love of my life. We've been in love from afar for 18 years. Thirteen years ago he told me he was in love with me but I was young and dumb and married XH instead. When we reconnected, we were both going through divorces, but we were finally together, and all was right with the world. But his son couldn't handle his parents' separation, and he felt too much guilt for leaving, so he went back to her and broke my heart. They are currently miserable together. I waited a year for him to come to his senses, but it became too painful and I had to move on for my sanity. So now I'm 34 and back in the dating game. Not where I thought I'd be at this age.
So her in 1 year divorced, it sounds as if she's not really focused on herself whatsoever. That is what you missed and why everyone keeps saying it.
Ohhhh.
Waiting for a year for a married man to change his mind to be with you is concerning. Honestly, I think this indicates an issue with valuing yourself (and I speak from experience). Thinking he was the live of your life also suggests that you aren't ready to be in a relationship.
It also sounds like casual sex isn't your thong and would make you feel bad, and that's fine. But don't let the desire for sex and intimacy make you rush in to bad relationships, which is what it looks like you have done (again, speaking from experience here).
It really does seem like you need to focus on you for a while. This is something I'm learning as well. I was codependent in my marriage, pouring my entire self into taking care of him and trying to help him fix his issues, so being single and not having someone else to focus on feels pretty weird. I'm not used to focusing on me and really don't know how to do it. I feel like in the past couple of weeks I'm finally starting to figure that out. In going on a so goes cruise with a coworker in February, and I'm spending a lot of time planning that - even down to buying outfits on sale right now. I'm also signing up for tennis lessons with a friend I made on GBCN. She flat out told me that I need to find a hobby to focus on. I plan to buy a bathing suit one size smaller and make that my goal for the cruise as well. The shift in focus feels a little weird, but I'm starting to like it.