H and I are going back to therapy

[btay]

The original plan was to file for divorce sometime this month, but he is having second thoughts.  He feels like maybe he was too quick to jump to separation.  So no divorce for now, and back to the therapist we go.  I told him I have my apartment until May, so we have a little time to figure this all out. 

[doriswe]

How do YOU feel about that?

[mcc]

I second doriswe, how do you feel about that? Why does he get the final say in your marriage?

[btay]

I am cautiously optimistic. I don't regret the separation at all because I think it has really helped us both grow but ultimately I want our marriage back. Even if the therapy leads back to divorce as our final decision I think I will be able to go into the divorce much more confident knowing that we really and truely did give it our all to try and work things out first.

[Deleted]

Jul 30, 2014 8:33:23 GMT -5 btay said:

The original plan was to file for divorce sometime this month, but he is having second thoughts.  He feels like maybe he was too quick to jump to separation.  So no divorce for now, and back to the therapist we go.  I told him I have my apartment until May, so we have a little time to figure this all out. 

What about YOU. What do YOU feel and think? 

[peppermint]

I agree with the others and am glad you can identify how you feel about this too. Best of luck to you, no matter what you ultimately decide! Hugs.

[livinitup]

Some people enter into couples counseling to learn how to overcome their issues and reconcile to stay married. Some people enter into couples counseling to end the marriage amicably, or to give their partner someone to lean on (the therapist) when the marriage ends.

It sounds like you are looking at therapy as a way to reconcile and stay married, and hoping your DH wants therapy for that, too. I would ask him POINT BLANK at the first session if he is there to reconcile or to end well. A good therapist will ask this as well (although they may do it subtly, or at session 2 or 3 - but yeah, they establish EACH person's goals pretty quick.)

You deserve to know.

[MyName]

Make sure you keep your individual happiness as the first priority, whether you work toward staying together or getting divorced. Best of luck to you!

[1confused1]

Wishing you lots of luck!

[Deleted]

Something about this rubs me the wrong way - the way you worded the OP it's like HE decided, HE wants, HE came around. I hope you find the answers you need in counseling, but I also hope you figure out how to focus on your needs too.

[kitkat1502]

Jul 30, 2014 10:03:23 GMT -5 doglove said:

Something about this rubs me the wrong way - the way you worded the OP it's like HE decided, HE wants, HE came around. I hope you find the answers you need in counseling, but I also hope you figure out how to focus on your needs too.

This exactly.

I don't 100% recall the back story, was him asking for separation totally out of the blue, did he give any reasons?

But what doglove said, it's all very.....he asked for separation, he's having seconds thoughts, he wants counseling. It kind of sounds like you're just this pinball getting bounced around to whatever he wants.

[doriswe]

Jul 30, 2014 10:11:13 GMT -5 kitkat1502 said:

Jul 30, 2014 10:03:23 GMT -5 doglove said:

Something about this rubs me the wrong way - the way you worded the OP it's like HE decided, HE wants, HE came around. I hope you find the answers you need in counseling, but I also hope you figure out how to focus on your needs too.

This exactly.

I don't 100% recall the back story, was him asking for separation totally out of the blue, did he give any reasons?

But what doglove said, it's all very.....he asked for separation, he's having seconds thoughts, he wants counseling. It kind of sounds like you're just this pinball getting bounced around to whatever he wants.

If memory serves, OP's H wanted the divorce/separation originally and OP was pretty resistant to it.  I hate to be a debbie downer, but it sounds like he thought the grass would be greener, figured out it's not and is trying to go back to what was easy.

Honestly, I hope I'm wrong.

[WinterIsComing]

It sounds like your H has been the only one with control in the marriage for awhile. While I do hope you are able to work it out if that's what's best for you, make sure you know what you want and looks out for your own best interests. You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you, not someone who decides to stay because the grass wasn't greener after he left. I think people can work it out after a separation but only if both people want to be in the marriage for the right reasons, not because they don't see another option.

[gault]

Keep your eyes wiiiiiiiide open with this. Going to counseling does not guarantee the happily ever after outcome. Do what is best for yourself at this point and not what he perceives to be best for HIM. Because it sounds like he is calling the shots, and that makes me sad for you.

[Deleted]

Why do you want to be with him? Why would you want to work this out?

[cuddlyevil]

Have you both been in individual counseling since the separation?

[Deleted]

Also please pick up the book Codependent No More.

[btay]

backstory - he requested the separation when he was 10 months sober and not in a good place. He is now a year and a half sober and in a much better place with a great support network of sober friends. I spent our time separated going to Al Anon, working on getting my finances in order, and getting my mental health in check. I feel like I'm in a great place now, and ready to tackle counseling with my best interest at heart, whereas the first time we went I was still very much focused on whatever will keep him sober. I've already got a list of questions for him that I will need answered, the biggest being "why the change of heart" and I'm sure he has a good list for me too. I'm definitely going in knowing the outcome could be the same as before, but I will know this time that it was not a rash decision and will be able to fully move on.

[Deleted]

Be very careful and remember you deserve happiness.  My issue with HIM being the one that decided these things is that you may get your hopes up and then HE decides 6 months or a year from now that he's not feeling it..again. 

[calle28]

Good luck btay!

[cuddlyevil]

Jul 30, 2014 12:26:21 GMT -5 chalupa said:

I wish you the very best of luck btay.

I do think you should see an individual therapist while you do couples, though. It helps to have someone to talk about the feelings that marriage counseling can stir up, because there will be times when you leave a joint session feeling worse about each other than when you went in. You need someone to talk to whose sole job is to look out for you and what you are feeling/wanting.

ITA with chalupa. I kept seeing my individual therapist while stbx and I were in couples counseling. It really helped me process things that stbx said and work out how I felt about them and what it meant.

[btay]

Jul 30, 2014 12:26:21 GMT -5 chalupa said:

I wish you the very best of luck btay.

I do think you should see an individual therapist while you do couples, though. It helps to have someone to talk about the feelings that marriage counseling can stir up, because there will be times when you leave a joint session feeling worse about each other than when you went in. You need someone to talk to whose sole job is to look out for you and what you are feeling/wanting.

 I was seeing someone for a time when H first got out of treatment and she said come back whenever I need so I will schedule something with her shortly after our first session. 

eta- our couples counselor is also very open to individual sessions if I ever need them.  I had one with her right after the separation and she is seriously amazing.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Jul 30, 2014 12:33:00 GMT -5 btay said:

Jul 30, 2014 12:26:21 GMT -5 chalupa said:

I wish you the very best of luck btay.

I do think you should see an individual therapist while you do couples, though. It helps to have someone to talk about the feelings that marriage counseling can stir up, because there will be times when you leave a joint session feeling worse about each other than when you went in. You need someone to talk to whose sole job is to look out for you and what you are feeling/wanting.

 I was seeing someone for a time when H first got out of treatment and she said come back whenever I need so I will schedule something with her shortly after our first session. 

eta- our couples counselor is also very open to individual sessions if I ever need them.  I had one with her right after the separation and she is seriously amazing.

It sounds like you're going into this pretty clear-headed.  I'm surprised that your couple's counselor is also willing to see you individually.  Among most professionals, that behavior is considered unethical because it can be viewed as favoritism or encourage her opinion of you to change.  I would strongly suggest that you not see the same person for couple's as individual counseling.

[doriswe]

Jul 30, 2014 14:25:25 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Jul 30, 2014 12:33:00 GMT -5 btay said:

 I was seeing someone for a time when H first got out of treatment and she said come back whenever I need so I will schedule something with her shortly after our first session. 

eta- our couples counselor is also very open to individual sessions if I ever need them.  I had one with her right after the separation and she is seriously amazing.

It sounds like you're going into this pretty clear-headed.  I'm surprised that your couple's counselor is also willing to see you individually.  Among most professionals, that behavior is considered unethical because it can be viewed as favoritism or encourage her opinion of you to change.  I would strongly suggest that you not see the same person for couple's as individual counseling.

ITA with lyssbobiss, Command, B613

(hugs)

[berbles]

Jul 30, 2014 14:25:25 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Jul 30, 2014 12:33:00 GMT -5 btay said:

 I was seeing someone for a time when H first got out of treatment and she said come back whenever I need so I will schedule something with her shortly after our first session. 

eta- our couples counselor is also very open to individual sessions if I ever need them.  I had one with her right after the separation and she is seriously amazing.

It sounds like you're going into this pretty clear-headed.  I'm surprised that your couple's counselor is also willing to see you individually.  Among most professionals, that behavior is considered unethical because it can be viewed as favoritism or encourage her opinion of you to change.  I would strongly suggest that you not see the same person for couple's as individual counseling.

ITA.  Additionally, anything said in one session can be brought up in another, because the therapist will NOT keep secrets.

While I was still married, my individual therapist suggest MANY times that we see a marriage counselor, but was pretty adamant that it was not her.  

[onedayatatime]

btay - while your original post sounded more focused on his needs/wants then yours, your follow ups sound very clear headed. Good luck with the counseling and pay attention to yourself.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 30, 2014 10:11:13 GMT -5 kitkat1502 said:

Jul 30, 2014 10:03:23 GMT -5 doglove said:

Something about this rubs me the wrong way - the way you worded the OP it's like HE decided, HE wants, HE came around. I hope you find the answers you need in counseling, but I also hope you figure out how to focus on your needs too.

This exactly.

I don't 100% recall the back story, was him asking for separation totally out of the blue, did he give any reasons?

But what doglove said, it's all very.....he asked for separation, he's having seconds thoughts, he wants counseling. It kind of sounds like you're just this pinball getting bounced around to whatever he wants.

I had enough of stbxh pinballing me around like he had done in the past. initially I too was leaning towards counseling to say that I gave it my all. Then he relapsed and there was no way I was going to ever go back on my request to divorce.

[MyName]

btay, you got this. I think this board has a tendency to over-therapize everything, but in the best interest of the OP, obviously. You seem like a stable, smart woman and this step will only help you find what is best for YOU.

[WinterIsComing]

Jul 30, 2014 21:41:13 GMT -5 MyName said:

btay, you got this. I think this board has a tendency to over-therapize everything, but in the best interest of the OP, obviously. You seem like a stable, smart woman and this step will only help you find what is best for YOU.

btay Based on you follow up, it seems like you have really thought this through. I hope your H is able to approach your marriage and counseling with the same approach.

I definitely agree with getting your own individual counselor rather than using your marriage counselor. That way you will know you have someone who is completely impartial.

Good luck!

[btay]

Thanks everyone