if you are reserved and overcame "small talk"

[CloudBee]

How did you do it?

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm shy, but I have a difficult time opening up and thinking on my feet in a social setting.  (I excel at this in a professional setting.)  I also have a mother who still to this day snaps and "scolds" when she perceives your dialogue as an interruption.  So I feel like I've spent much of my life letting others talk, and not knowing when it's my turn.  I know that must sound crazy.  I also struggle not knowing when I can begin speaking during casual conversations between others, that I enter into.  Walking up to people already conversing, etc.  (I now tell my mom I am hanging up when she snaps at me for "cutting her off" and interrupting, when I know it's just normal interaction where words sometimes run into each other.  My sister has a similar complaint.)

Last night I was at a gathering with a group of friends and acquaintances.  Toward the end of our meetings (bibles study), people tend to stay and mingle a while.  Sometimes I have someone next to me to chat with, and other times not.

I wasn't quite ready to walk out and leave just as our study came to an end last night, and really wanted more time to stay and mingle.  But everyone else that was still there was already chatting with someone else.  I felt so awkward sitting, then standing, darting my eyes around, unsure of which conversation to join, and worried I would be intruding on a personal conversation.  So I eventually just left.  And man, I felt a little sad.  I try hard to be myself, and know my social skills have grown over the years.  But I still have a hard time when it comes to groups.

I experience less awkward silence as the years go on, as silence isn't always a bad thing, but could also use suggestions on how to lead conversation when you run out of things to say.  When you're around acquaintances it can be more difficult to throw out the generic "so how about that weather!"  Even last night I asked someone about their kids and they just smiled, nodded, and said good.  Ahh!  Then with people I've known for years, the generic questions that can be helpful with new friends, like "where did you grow up" don't work.  I need more tools in my pocket!

Throw anything you've got at me.  Book suggestions, personal experiences, a slap.  I'm ready.

[Deleted]

No advice. I have similar issues and want to check back for others advice. My introversion really comes out when I'm in an uncomfortable or foreign situation.

[karinothing]

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

[mlt]

I always try to start with the simple "may I join you?" If they are polite and conversationally skilled, they will welcome you in by saying "hi, Mary was just telling me about X."

But I'm a lawyer and few of the people I meet at networking stuff will do that. So I will fill the awkward pause after "hi" with a question. Key here is to be prepared but not be overly specific, which is hard. I usually ask an open ended thing like "are you all litigators?" or "which area do you practice?" I've heard older lawyers ask that stuff so I figure it's safe.

I also self-deprecate a little (emphasis on little) if I need to with a joke. Like "hi ladies, I've found myself standing alone and now find myself interrupting you! Will you forgive me?" It's not a funny joke but if I smile while I say it people seem receptive. It's so hard! It's much easier when someone else needs someone to talk to. Thankfully, people at bible study are probably nice, right? I bet they would be happy to have you join once they realize you are interested!

[mbcdefg]

I don't really enjoy making small talk, either, but I've gotten a little better about it over the years. Although I still often find myself in the situation you described, where I'm sitting alone because I can't find someone to talk to.

I try to ask open-ended questions. I was a reporter at one point, so I've gotten used to asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Instead of "How are your kids?" I try to say stuff like, "Are they in any sports or activities?" or "Are you going on a family vacation this year?"

I think what's helped me most is to realize that it's OK. I don't have to be talking all the time. And it helps to realize that I have MH and my own friends, because it helps me feel like less of a "loser." Especially in situations where I really don't care if I talk to these people or not. A few years ago I would've left a situation like that in tears. Now I just think, "OK, whatever, I have my own people I can talk to."

[CloudBee]

Jul 31, 2014 8:19:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

Would you say that in most cases in group settings like this, it wouldn't be considered rude to respond to something said between 2 other people if you're all at the same table/standing in the same area?  I'm always worried they'll think I was listening in on their personal conversation, but think I'm probably blowing things out of proportion.

[konapoppy]

I agree with karinothing and sexycarrot. Listen in a bit and decide to join a specific conversation (some will likely be having a more intimate conversation about kids/family where they are following up to an earlier conversation, so avoid joining them). Join the group, listen, and add your thoughts when appropriate. Then when there is a lull, ask a more focused question.

A big thing is your nonverbals. Make eye contact. Demonstrate interest in what others are saying (nodding, etc.). Empathize or agree with others nonverbally or through expressions. People like to be liked, so these go a long way.

[CloudBee]

All of this is helpful. I like the idea of asking about children's activities vs. the blanket "how are your kids".

I am genuinely interested, so it sounds like I need to probe deeper to get people to open up, vs. be so bland with my questions.

[scout8]

The situation you described would make me uncomfortable too.

I have to make a lot of small talk with my job. I really try to pay attention when I ask questions and remember what people have told me. That makes it easier to start a conversation the next time. When I remember what people are up to, then I can ask follow up questions the next time I see them.

Asking more open ended questions helps too. Instead of asking how someone's kids are doing, ask them what their kids are up to this summer. That way, you get more of an answer and may be able to ask some follow up questions.

[konapoppy]

Jul 31, 2014 8:40:34 GMT -5 scout8 said:

I have to make a lot of small talk with my job. I really try to pay attention when I ask questions and remember what people have told me. That makes it easier to start a conversation the next time. When I remember what people are up to, then I can ask follow up questions the next time I see them.

Another great idea. I would add at if you have a great memory, don't be too specific in your follow up even if you remember more. Other people can be put off by that, so you can say something like "last time you mentioned your mom was coming to town. How did the visit go?"

[karinothing]

Jul 31, 2014 8:37:07 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Jul 31, 2014 8:19:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

Would you say that in most cases in group settings like this, it wouldn't be considered rude to respond to something said between 2 other people if you're all at the same table/standing in the same area?  I'm always worried they'll think I was listening in on their personal conversation, but think I'm probably blowing things out of proportion.

Well, as an extrovert I don't generally think abotu whether or not I am rude for joining in a conversation ha ha. I mean obviously if they are talking about super personal stuff I wouldn't butt in, but otherwise i kind of think it is fair game. Expecially if these are people you already have a relationship with vs. strangers.

[salliekate]

I struggle with this a lot. It's so hard. In most of those situations I have someone I'm a little closer to than the rest of the people (or at least someone I'd like to talk to), so I usually go up to that person and make a little "joke" like a PP mentioned. "Can I barge into this conversation?" Said with a smile and half laugh. Usually it works and the awkward feeling fades a little. As an introvert, I hate when I WANT to talk to people, to mingle and get to know more people, but then the opportunity doesn't present itself or it feels really hard.

[my3bears]

Not sure if it's been mentioned but giving a compliment works too, as long as it's genuine and not too over-the-top. Usually about bags, jewelery, tops. If it's the end of the group I might turn to the person next to me and say something like "I noticed your bracelet earlier. Love that color!" Again, doesn't always work. I'm outgoing but have been to several conferences for work alone and haven't been able to break into cliques.

[ESF]

Jul 31, 2014 8:19:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

Same.

A good ice breaker topic is "any travel plans this year?"

It's open ended, and people can use it to take it in whatever direction they want -- work travel, travel to visit family, fun vacations planned or recently completed, etc.

I also like "have you lived in this area long?"

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2014 8:37:07 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Jul 31, 2014 8:19:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

Would you say that in most cases in group settings like this, it wouldn't be considered rude to respond to something said between 2 other people if you're all at the same table/standing in the same area?  I'm always worried they'll think I was listening in on their personal conversation, but think I'm probably blowing things out of proportion.

Groups of 2 can be tricky. I've been told in the past a group of three or more is safe and considered fair game. With a group of two, you run the risk of intruding on their conversation, but obviously that is very situation specific.

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2014 8:19:53 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I am a super extrovert and even I sometimes have a hard time in those situations (deciding which conversation to join). I usually just eavesdrop until I hear something that I know about or where I can add an interesting fact or something to the conversation.

This is me too. Situations like that absolutely make me more uncomfortable than any other social situations. I feel like I never really know who to talk to and I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presence by joining them.

Which is weird because also as a super-extrovert I pretty much never mind people joining me! Unless it is an obviously sensitive conversation.

So, maybe my advice is join in the conversation of one of the most outgoing people in the group. Assuming you have no one else you would specifically like to talk to or get to know.

Another thought is that sincere flattery is always a good way to join a conversation--someone is wearing a beautiful sweater, did a lovely reading, made a great point in discussion, etc. We all like compliments and it's a good way to break the ice.

Really though, in all likelihood, you feel way more awkward than anyone thinks you are.

[brooklyn]

I got extensive training on active listening and how to ask open ended questions as part of my training for a local crisis hotline. It has definitely helped my communication skills.

[minzy]

I am often kind of reserved, too, and sometimes I'm not in the mood to gab, but when I am, off I go.  Like others have mentioned, paying a compliment is often great... I think it tends to give the other person the "warm fuzzies" and leave them thinking, "That CloudBee! She's all right!"  Another thing that has helped me grow friendships is remembering some little detail and following up, like sending an email saying, "Hey, this is a link to the website of that place I was telling you about," etc.  It shows you're thoughtful and who doesn't like to know someone was thinking of them?  Maybe ask advice, for instance of other parents... like "we're thinking of moving our son to a toddler bed soon, how did that transition work for you guys?  Any tips?"  People usually love to talk about themselves/experiences.

I think of how I've made friends most recently... probably at least 95% of my random interaction with other people goes nowhere, but of the remaining 5%, I've built a steady and growing network of friends.  So maybe for this particular bible study you didn't hit it off with anyone, but next time you will have been there another time, which gives you more history from which to draw as you initiate future conversations.  So, so much of anything is just showing up.  Often, it just takes time to make a connection.

Alcohol can be another something in your toolbox, though perhaps it's not compatible with bible study.  I'm a total lightweight these days and had 1/2 glass of wine at my book club this week and became very chatty, haha.

[teatimefor2]

I can relate. I am great in a professional setting where everyone knows there place/role, etc. I struggle I'm social situations. I always get so nervous.

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say hugs. I know how difficult a situation and tough that can be.

[dexteroni]

Jul 31, 2014 8:10:57 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

But everyone else that was still there was already chatting with someone else.  I felt so awkward sitting, then standing, darting my eyes around, unsure of which conversation to join, and worried I would be intruding on a personal conversation. 

I'm fine at small talk when I'm in the mood for it, but I think this situation would stump a lot of people, for the exact reason you mentioned. No one wants to be the buttinski. What I'll do is sort of make my way through the room and see if anyone makes eye contact or calls my name. That usually works. Or listen for a conversation where you think you can contribute and kind of head toward those people, and see if they're receptive.

What is different about a professional setting that makes small talk easier for you? What kind of conversations do you start, and can you find personal equivalents of those topics?

[LoveTrains]

Like others have said use questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no".

I would rephrase some of the suggested questions to something like: "what type of activities do your kids do?" Or "tell me about your travel plans this year." That way they can't be answered with yes or no. Because asking "do you have travel plans" Can be answered by a "no" and then you have nowhere to go. Or even worse they get answered with just yes (silence) and then it's pulling teeth to keep the conversation going.

I'm an introvert and my job is one often held by extroverts. I loathe working a room and sometimes that is what my job entails. So I've picked these things up over the years.

[LoveTrains]

Oh also good follow up questions include:
Tell me more about that (or specific thing).

How so? - this can be used for so many things

How did you get into that?

I'd love to know more about that.

What are your thoughts on <specific topic>?

[bunch]

I became a Realtor. Spending hours in the car with countless engineers necessitated it. Not helpful.