S/o single and loving it - how do you focus on you?

[DirtySouth]

My marriage was very codependent. I didn't even know what this meant until I went to therapy in the spring of 2013 and the therapist made me realize that it's not healthy or normal to completely throw yourself into "fixing" someone else. For the past eight years my entire self has been focused on helping my ex with his depression, helping with his job search (to the point of searching for job listings abd writing cover letters for him), and just doing everything I could try to get him to be more functional and like a grown up. I thought I was just a really nice and giving person, but I learned that I actually don't value myself enough and don't know how to set boundaries.

So for someone who has spent eight years focusing on helping someone else, being single feels really weird. At first it seemed empty and lonely (I can relate to the moonlight poster (is that her name?).

Focusing on creating your own happiness is a regular theme on this board and is important advice. So, in what ways do each of you focus on making yourself happy?

I feel like I'm getting better at focusing on me. I booked a singles cruise for the winter that looks like it will be a blast. I'm spending a lot of time reading about excursions and even buying some sale clothes now to pack. A friend flat out told me that I need to find a hobby to focus on that has nothing to do with dating, so the two of us are signing up for tennis lessons. I'm hoping we like it enough to join a league in the spring.

I'm acually starting to feel happy and more fulfilled and feel like I'm getting the hang of this.

Sent from my HTC One mini

[hungrycaterpillar]

I really do it in very little ways: I love decorating my place and not worrying about whether or not the other person will like the decor I picked out. Everything in here is all me.

I spent so long planning and working towards a goal with D - Now I'm focused on taking my career in the direction that I wanted it to go. Since I'm no longer moving to Colorado, I'm able to apply for the neuro residency that I always wanted here in Texas. Working towards that makes me very happy.

I also love being in the quiet of my own apartment. I have a nightly routine that I find to be extremely calming. I walk my dog, make some hot tea, lie down in bed with my book and read until I'm ready to sleep. Then I take up the entire bed!

I hope you continue to find happiness and fulfillment.

[prettyinpearls]

It sounds like you’re making the right steps! That singles cruise sounds like a lot of fun.

Your friend is right in telling you to find a hobby. When XH and I separated, I threw myself into finishing my BA. While not exactly a hobby, it felt SO GOOD to be doing something 100% for me and not be made to feel like I was stupid for a wanting to finish school. (XH had a way of trying to bring me down for wanting to better myself because he felt badly about himself and the way his life was panning out…not that he’d ever admit that though). I also started working on photography more, which was something I had always enjoyed doing. (ETA, see those cute boys below? I took that photo).

[1confused1]

Therapy helped immensely.

I have 2 kids that are my world.

I run, I get together with girlfriends, I have a job I love...

I also enjoy being by myself and reading or watching bad tv.

[doriswe]

A little of this, a little of that

I've redone my house to be more "me"
I've read more
I've written more
I've traveled and tried new adventures
I reconnected with friends and distancted myself from others
I've been more focused on my relationship with my kids
I've learned to enjoy quiet
I've gone to places solo (dinner, movies, etc)
I'm trying to volunteer more
I listen to music all the time
I'm exercising consistently
I've spent a lot of time in counseling figuring out my own stuff, in relation to relationships (romantic and otherwise)
I've allowed myself to feel every feeling I had (happy, sad, angry, lonely). I've accepted that's what I was feeling...allowed myself time to feel it/process it and then let it go
I've found a stronger connection to God and have been an active member of my church
And I laugh...I laugh a lot!

ETA: Oh, I also finished my degree, which forced me to focus on that stuff and a little less on "woe is me"

[Deleted]

Volunteering for organizations you enjoy?

[MyName]

I can totally relate to the codependency issues. My mom was (is?) an alcoholic, and I was taking care of her and my little brother from a very young age until she got it together. The caretaker role was just natural and I didn't even think about what I needed from stbx, since I liked being the strong, emotionally stable one. Where is my martyr medal, btw? lol

I think it's great that you booked cruise! I am traveling a lot more, too. Planning things I wouldn't have done with stbx, like flying to Houston this fall to meet a bnotb-er, make me so happy. I try to make plans a few times a week with different friends, do fun things on the weekends, but also leave myself some alone time to just chill.

I love to cook, so I spend a lot of time on meals and don't have to worry that someone else is waiting to eat. And then I post pics on IG, of course.

Since I plan on visiting Colombia and Spain, I'm going to sign up for a Spanish class soon. I am pretty good, but I need a refresher and more vocab. I might join a cornhole league in September, too.

[btay]

I am traveling more, meeting up with friends, watching all the horrible tv that I want, decorating how I want, taking ridiculously long, uninterrupted bathes in the evenings, and eating cereal for dinner because I can

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Focusing on me and the stuff I liked came really easily after I separated from XH. I spent so much time repressing my interests because he thought they weren't intellectual enough. Because I preferred chick lit to science fiction. Or disaster movies to dramas. I was so resentful and didn't even realize it. But once I was alone, I discovered how much I love SyFy movies. I got back into reading. I made the food that I wanted and listened to the music I wanted and it was amazing. I started to feel more like me than I had, like, ever.

[Deleted]

For me it's really just about not cluttering my life with dating right now. I do want I want when I want and I hang out with friends. I think online dating can be really distracting from life, consuming and kind of a roller coaster. I really needed to build that relationship with myself you know? Before looking for another one. I'm at the point now where I feel content and happy. If I meet someone who enhances my life? Fantastic. That would be great. If I don't, my life still feels complete and awesome.

[Wanderista]

I think it is a great subject and it does sound like you are on the right track. I can relate to having put lots of effort into other people. I wasn't married but I did not have a strong sense of my identity in two long-term relationships. Frankly, the big factor in that was probably immaturity. Basically, developing more of my own identity seems to be something that is coming as I get older. Before, if I wasn't leaning on one guy, I was totally leaning on a particular friend for many things. So, learning to focus on yourself can be good even outside of romantic relationships as long as you don't take it to a self-centered extreme.

I'd say that it was a process of culminating introspection especially last year, piecing thoughts together, really processing I guess. I spent a lot more time with family, developed a broader friend network, let go of old grievances (or just let the grievance-makers go), braved going in new directions and making more decisions. I'd say that I'm still learning to explore more of my own interests rather than just falling back on others to do that. The BF is actually great. Unlike my exes, he really asks what I want to do. He is not so dominating. It'll sound weird but it has felt strange (in a good way) to have a guy really ask about my interests and to want me to make decisions (instead of just being a very dominating personality himself). Whether or not we work out long-term, the experience is good.

[pinkdutchtulips]

this was me too .. I thought it was my 'job' to quell stbxh's insecurities and fix him as well. turned me into a shell of a person. the ironic thing was that I was NEVER like that before - any SO's issues were their issues NOT mine. why I decided to make his issues mine and go about trying to fix them is beyond me.

lesson learned - boundaries and time for ME are excellent things.

post-split I started doing things that I had LOVED to do that stbxh for whatever reason didn't like - book club (why a group of ladies bt the ages of 35-90 scared him baffled me - and these were ladies from my CHURCH !!!), I've started working out again (couldn't bc he didn't want other guys to see me SMH) and I feel more like me back in 2000-01 BEFORE I met him. it's showing too bc people say I look better than I have in YEARS and I feel better about myself.

something that also helps is dd ... she makes sure that life is NEVER boring and gives me a partner in crime on occasion ... need to get a hair cut - ohhh mom /daughter beauty day, pretty toes at 8p on a Saturday ABSOLUTELY !!

[onedayatatime]

I have been going through quite a bit of self-reflection (and therapy) and realized that most of my life I have tended to put others needs first as well. First my mom and family then stbx. Most of the time it is because I am generally easy-going and easy to please - but sometimes it is just a lack of boundaries with those I love. I am trying to pay more attention to tell the difference.

Right after the separation started I had a very hard time understanding what people meant by "enjoy being single" and while I am still working at it, I am understanding it better and seeing progress.

I have been reading - alternating fun and thought provoking books.
Going to movies by myself - who cars if anyone else wants to see it?
Improving my spanish.
Taking more care with decisions (is it my choice or am I giving in to someone else?)
Redecorating
Reacquainting myself with old hobbies and looking for new ones
Not turning down opportunities to meet new people

Good Luck - it sounds like you are on the right track

[cuddlyevil]

I gave up so much so that stbx could be "secure" that I am enjoying just getting back out there. I can go to an art museum if I want or watch a masterpiece show without getting flack for being "too highbrow". I can go to a bar by myself to see a band play or just for a drink and not hear how I "don't need to go to those places because you're a mother now".

So I am rediscovering the things I loved before I got married and adding to the list. I am seeing live music regularly again. Reading and watching the stuff I like again. Discussing it with other weirdos again. And making friends who, while we're all a little different, still have so much fun together it's amazing to me.

My kids were the biggest impetus to leave and they have been my biggest saving grace on the rough days. But my therapist helped me get to a point where I knew I would be okay. And once I got out and into my own place, the stress that lifted was unbelievable.

[riverpestie]

I volunteered, A LOT!
I started doing triathlons, marathons, and I joined a running club!

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 31, 2014 11:34:30 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

I gave up so much so that stbx could be "secure" that I am enjoying just getting back out there. I can go to an art museum if I want or watch a masterpiece show without getting flack for being "too highbrow". I can go to a bar by myself to see a band play or just for a drink and not hear how I "don't need to go to those places because you're a mother now".

So I am rediscovering the things I loved before I got married and adding to the list. I am seeing live music regularly again. Reading and watching the stuff I like again. Discussing it with other weirdos again. And making friends who, while we're all a little different, still have so much fun together it's amazing to me.

My kids were the biggest impetus to leave and they have been my biggest saving grace on the rough days. But my therapist helped me get to a point where I knew I would be okay. And once I got out and into my own place, the stress that lifted was unbelievable.

+1 X 1000

[achase123]

I've read a lot

I got my cfp credential

I've spent quality time with P

I've gotten to know other single moms

I've worked and worked

I've joined 5 different organizations since I moved

I've tried to pamper myself when I can with a massage or pedi

I work out a lot and eat healthy

I've gone to therapy

I've joined a webinar to teach marketing slills

[twinsy12]

My marriage was exactly like yours, and your post finally gave me to kick I needed to schedule a therapy appointment. I have a lot of anxiety about my husband being on his own and not being OK because I won't be there to help him. As for finding my own happiness, I'm still in the early stages of that and not sure where to start. I'll try to start doing some of the things everyone has mentioned here, and I think therapy will help immensely.

[LoveBug]

My marriage was also codependent. It was basically my job to make my STBX feel good about himself. I struggle with putting my needs first and doing things for me, so I am starting with little things like sitting in a Starbucks to people watch or read while DD is at morning preschool (in addition to the typical errands and cleaning I also try to accomplish), getting a pedicure, going to counseling, etc.

[bullygirl979]

It sounds like you are on the right path.

I picked up a lot of new hobbies: running, cooking, kayaking,traveling etc. This helped me to focus more on me.

But going beyond that, you will need to learn how to KEEP these hobbies/interests going once you are in a relationship. XBF never wanted me to do anything without him, which was a now obvious red flag. With P, I learned to speak up and make my needs/hobbies/interests a priority. It was great that I had all these hobbies, but I needed to ensure I was still doing them while in a relationship with him. That is being in a healthy place!

[onedayatatime]

Aug 1, 2014 9:55:08 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

But going beyond that, you will need to learn how to KEEP these hobbies/interests going once you are in a relationship. XBF never wanted me to do anything without him, which was a now obvious red flag. With P, I learned to speak up and make my needs/hobbies/interests a priority. It was great that I had all these hobbies, but I needed to ensure I was still doing them while in a relationship with him. That is being in a healthy place!

That is good advice and something I realized about my marriage, I had given up a lot of the hobbies I had.

For now, I have been trying to not cancel plans just because I get a better but later offer from someone I would rather hang out with. While I would rather be around some people than others, I don't want to end up waiting for last minute plans with some people and missing other opportunities.  I think this would be an easy trap for me to fall in when I start dating.

[moonlight]

I'll answer, since I've been accused of not working on myself. Since my divorce:

I've put effort into my career and earned a small promotion

I eliminated foods from my diet until I figured out what works and what doesn't for my digestion, and have committed to avoiding those foods

I have cut out refined sugar and cut way back on caffeine and alcohol, and I've made a huge effort to eat healthy every day

I started going to a new doctor to work on my overall physical health and wellness

I work out every day and I've dropped 30 lbs and am in the best shape of my life. I'm starting to even see definition in my abs.

I've traveled alone

I got rid of my TV and Facebook because I felt they were toxic to my life

I do a lot of reading, especially sitting out on the patio and enjoying the summer weather

I purchased my own home and decorated it exactly the way I've always wanted since I don't have to consider anyone else's opinion. Lots of jewel tones and bling.

I have lunch and pool days with my girlfriends and sometimes their daughters.

I go karaoke night with my friends at our regular place on Fridays.

I spend a lot of time with my mom, sister and niece.

I go to therapy twice a week.

I treat myself to massages and do yoga to relax.

I've started writing as an outlet.

I would like to do more things on a regular basis but my job is shift work with rotating days off so I am not available during normal hours, nor am I able to commit to a time slot. I looked into volunteering at a local hospital but my job wouldn't allow for the commitment. I would also love to do more dinners with friends but I'm usually working at dinnertime.

Also, yes it was me who mentioned being lonely. But unlike your marriage which you feel was co-dependent, mine was the opposite. We were two very independent people, to the point we weren't really in a relationship. So you know how they say, "it's better to be alone than to be in a relationship and feel alone"? That's the kind of relationship I was in. They are both lonely, in different ways.

[verycontrary247]

I gave up on my education and "real" job pursuit when I got married. ExH would always complain when I'd say I wanted to get back into school that it was too expensive and wasn't worth it.

I'm now working full time whilst also attending (and kicking ass at) college classes towards a degree that really interests me. Every time I get another A it feels like a big ol FUCK YOU to him.

[pretzel]

I haven't read most of the replies but...

The first thing I did when I divorced was redecorate my place. I focus on my real friends.

Now (with a FT job) I'm in grad school. When I'm not working or doing homework, I spend time cooking for or eating with my friends. Someday I might date again, but since I live in a smallish town with VERY few single people my age, it works out pretty well.

I'm happy to have found too many things that interest me.

ETA: By decorate, I meant paint, *not* spend lots of money.

[onedayatatime]

Aug 3, 2014 11:53:46 GMT -5 inara said:

I'm not single anymore, but I got great advice when I was getting ready to leave XH. I made two lists. One of things I had always wanted to try/do, but never did. A lot of them ended up being things that I didn't do because XH didn't want me to or didn't want to join me, so I didn't do it alone. I got a pixie cut, pierced my nose, took rock climbing lessons, got an internship at Planned Parenthood, and took up weightlifting and running. I had a blast.

The other list was of things I wanted from XH/a partner in an ideal world. Both emotional things (e.g. someone to listen when I was upset) and event type things (e.g. go out to new restaurants). Next to each item, I wrote who else I could get those things from (myself, friends, or family). When I was done, I realized sex was really the only want/need I had that I couldn't fulfill some other way. So I started leaning on other people and myself for everything else. I bought myself flowers every week, took myself to new restaurants, invited friends out to the movies, called a friend when I needed to talk. I really think this list was pivotal in realizing I don't NEED to date. I found ways to get everything I wanted and needed in life without a partner. And I think it continues to help me now that I am in a relationship. I don't look to W to meet all of my needs and I know that my life is good and complete without him. He is just one good part of my life rather than the whole thing.

I love your 2nd list idea - rather than just focusing on what you want, thinking about how else to get it.  Great idea.

[spedrunner]

good for you!! It took me a long time to get used to the fact i was single. I was in codependent relationships as well , so it felt so "wrong" in the beginning

HOWEVER i am absolutely LOVING my new found freedom!! Read my blog, i have tons of topics on this

[DirtySouth]

Aug 3, 2014 11:53:46 GMT -5 inara said:

I'm not single anymore, but I got great advice when I was getting ready to leave XH. I made two lists. One of things I had always wanted to try/do, but never did. A lot of them ended up being things that I didn't do because XH didn't want me to or didn't want to join me, so I didn't do it alone. I got a pixie cut, pierced my nose, took rock climbing lessons, got an internship at Planned Parenthood, and took up weightlifting and running. I had a blast.

The other list was of things I wanted from XH/a partner in an ideal world. Both emotional things (e.g. someone to listen when I was upset) and event type things (e.g. go out to new restaurants). Next to each item, I wrote who else I could get those things from (myself, friends, or family). When I was done, I realized sex was really the only want/need I had that I couldn't fulfill some other way. So I started leaning on other people and myself for everything else. I bought myself flowers every week, took myself to new restaurants, invited friends out to the movies, called a friend when I needed to talk. I really think this list was pivotal in realizing I don't NEED to date. I found ways to get everything I wanted and needed in life without a partner. And I think it continues to help me now that I am in a relationship. I don't look to W to meet all of my needs and I know that my life is good and complete without him. He is just one good part of my life rather than the whole thing.

I absolutely love this and will be doing it. Thanks for sharing!

Sent from my HTC One mini

[DirtySouth]

Aug 3, 2014 20:14:46 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

good for you!! It took me a long time to get used to the fact i was single. I was in codependent relationships as well , so it felt so "wrong" in the beginning

HOWEVER i am absolutely LOVING my new found freedom!! Read my blog, i have tons of topics on this

Thanks, I'll definitely check it out!

Sent from my HTC One mini

[DirtySouth]

Aug 1, 2014 9:20:57 GMT -5 twinsy12 said:

My marriage was exactly like yours, and your post finally gave me to kick I needed to schedule a therapy appointment. I have a lot of anxiety about my husband being on his own and not being OK because I won't be there to help him. As for finding my own happiness, I'm still in the early stages of that and not sure where to start. I'll try to start doing some of the things everyone has mentioned here, and I think therapy will help immensely.

Oh, man, I can really relate. I've been bringing up divorce for years, and every time he would manipulate me by saying if he moves out he will have to live somewhere horrible, and do I really want my son visiting him in a terrible apartment in the ghetto? So I'd stay.

Therapy will help. Also, I realized I was just bring a crutch for my ex. As long as we were together he was never going to get his shit together, because he knew he didn't have to because he could depend on me to do everything.

The reality is if they are forced to stand on their own two feet, they will figure it out. My ex will never be as functional as I'd want fir a marriage partner, but after livivg with his brother for a few months, he did finally just sign a lease on an apartment. And it's a decent place in a nice area.

Good luck. I think you will find therapy very helpful and eye opening.

Sent from my HTC One mini