I need help/perspective re: first days of daycare

[cricketwife]

This will be long; I'm sorry.

DS is 7 months today.  He started daycare on Friday.  He cried inconsolably nearly the whole time.  At 1:30 they called me to come get him.  When I got there, he wasn't crying b/c he was taking a bottle.  We stayed for another 1.5 hrs b/c I wanted DS to get used to being there and because I wanted to observe at bit.

I spent the rest of Friday very upset. I got myself worked up into a tizzy, nitpicking about everything I don't like about this place.  By yesterday, I decided that there is really only one thing I don't like and that all the rest doesn't really matter.  In my heart, I feel like DS will be safe and well cared for even though I wish they did some things differently.

The one thing that really bothers me is that the babies don't sleep in cribs.  When I was there on Friday, all the sleeping babies (2 were not sleeping) were in swings and bouncy chairs.  I understand the swings for the two little ones (3-4 months), but the rest are DS's age AND OLDER.  There's an 11 month old sleeping in a bouncy chair!  I spoke with the director and she said that it was parent preference; it's what most of them do at home so it's what they want.  She said if we want DS to sleep in a crib, he'll sleep in a crib. So I'm still bothered that they don't sleep in cribs, but I figured as long as my kid is in a crib, it's fine. (I've looked up our state laws and it only requires sleeping on the back; it doesn't make any mention of where.) 

When I picked him up today, they said he was very clingy all day-- always wanted to be held, bounced, walked about.  I asked if he napped - yes, 30 minutes in the am, in the crib; and 25 minutes in the afternoon....in a bouncy chair!!!!  She said she was going to ask me about it b/c she knew I wanted him in the crib but he was so tired and crying etc.  She said he fell asleep in the bouncer and she moved him once but he woke up and cried, but the second time she left him.

I'm so upset.  I told them I didn't want him in the swing or bouncer at all when we visited last Thursday. She (diff teacher) said, "well we feed them (bottles) in the bouncers b/c we often are feeding more than one at a time." I said okay to that if that's how they feed them. But I don't like it. 

To complicate matters, I feel stuck.  We've been on the wait list for 14 months for this spot.  A spot opened at another place for next week, but we declined b/c we had this spot and because the other place is $5000/yr more, which we simply cannot afford.  We remain on a waitlist at a 3rd place, which is also more expensive.  So it's not like I feel like I can just go somewhere else; there aren't that many infant openings.

So I need some encouragement/perspective/advice - particularly if your infant is/was in a center.  IMO, in-homes operate very differently.

What should I reasonably expect from them?
How long until he gets used to it?
How can I get them to do what I want w/o feeling like "that mom" - which I already do.?
How do they feed babies bottles at your center?

[speckledfrog]

What should I reasonably expect from them? You should expect them to comply with reasonable requests like 90% of the time.  Him sleeping in a crib is very reasonable.
How long until he gets used to it?
How can I get them to do what I want w/o feeling like "that mom" - which I already do.? Speak with the director.  Express your desires and concerns.  There's a wide range between breezy and crazy.  Aim in the middle and you should be fine.  It's absolutely okay to be "that mom" from time to time
How do they feed babies bottles at your center?

Which state are you in?

[scsarah]

I'm pretty breezy about some daycare stuff, but this is one where I would not be. You've been very clear about your expectations for care, and they're not meeting them. I agree that I'd be meeting with the director at a minimum.

I'm also wondering what your state ratio is for infant care. In California it's 4 to 1, and one of the reasons I liked our center is that they do 3 to 1 on a daily basis. They're also able to feed everyone (with varying feeding times etc) without using bouncers, so I'm unsure why this center has to use them. Sometimes I see them feeding two kids, and they'll be holding one (usually the younger one), and the older one will be propped on a Boppy pillow, with the teacher holding the bottle for them.

It's okay to be "that mom". This is his health and safety. Obviously, there are ways to do it - talk with them calmly but firmly.

[thebreakfastclub]

If I was taking care of a crying baby who finally managed to fall asleep, I would not jeopardize that by trying to move him after the first attempt failed.

I don't understand what good interrupting an exhausted baby's attempt to sleep accomplishes.

[hermione]

Does your son exceed the weight limit on the bouncer or something?

[thebreakfastclub]

Aug 11, 2014 18:42:46 GMT -5 @this said:

Aug 11, 2014 18:36:02 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

If I was taking care of a crying baby who finally managed to fall asleep, I would not jeopardize that by trying to move him after the first attempt failed.

I don't understand what good interrupting an exhausted baby's attempt to sleep accomplishes.

Because I pay them a mortgage's worth a month to be an extension of my parenting while I'm at work. We worked hard to transition DD from the RNP/swing to the crib (and particularly for naps). I don't pay for their convenience at the expensive of my work as a parent.

Eh, I get it as a goal, but this is day 2 of a huge transition. You just said it took hard work, so more than 2 days, right?

This board is littered with people who can't get their kid to sleep where they want. I don't expect DC to get it done in 2 days, nor do I want to pick up a baby who has been woken up repeatedly all day. I expect them to work at it over time.

FTR my kid slept poorly in the infant room but great at home.

[browneyedgirl9]

While I do think the daycare should honor your requests for the baby...personaly i would be flexible for the first weeks, and be hoping they can get him comfortable/asleep rather then focusing on where he is sleeping. Especially if he is having a hard time, any sleep is good.

I hope things start going better.

Happy 7 months! My DS turns 7 months old today too!!

[asoctoberfalls]

Well... I don't think it's a big deal. Many of the younger babies at DS's center sleep in bouncers and swings. They get PLENTY of love and affection; they just happen to fall asleep there, and they wake if you move them (like your son). DS did not sleep much at all at daycare, so I would take what I could get. I'm guessing the teachers assumed you'd rather your DS take a nap in a bouncy chair than not take a nap at all. If that's not the case, then tell them so and I'm sure they will follow your wishes.

The only part that would bother me about what you wrote is 1) they feed them in bouncy chairs and 2) they called you to pick him up because he was crying. Babies should never have bottles propped, which I assume is what they are doing when they feed babies in the bouncy. That's a huge no no and would have me questioning their judgement.

[cricketwife]

thebreakfastclub, for him to fall asleep in the bouncer he had to be there in the first place, which I requested he not.

I get its a big transition to dsycare but hes done all sleeping in a crib fir the last 3 months, including the travel crib fir about 3 weeks over the course of the summer. I honestly feel like adjusting to a new crib is the least of the obstacles in transittioning to daycare.

scsarah, our state 's ratio is 1:5. But today there were only 7 babies there.

And the director is on vacation this week, which is unfortunate timing for us. I do have her cell number but am hesitant to interrupt her vacation.

Thanks for the feedback. It all helps me process my feelings and expectations

[curbsideprophet]

We picked a center that does not have swings or bouncy seats. They manage to find a way to feed the babies without them. Ratio is 4-1.

Did you ask if you could avoid the swing/bouncy seat? What was the response? Can you request he not be put in seat at all?

I would be upset and annoyed that two days in the were not following your instructions. I don't really follow the did not want to move him argument since he never should have been there in the first place. Are they claiming he fell asleep while eating?

[toesie]

I would cut some slack for the first week. Baby is going through a huge transition, daycare teachers are learning about baby's habits,... Especially the teacher said they tried to move the first time and woke him up. I'd rather have him sleep in the bouncer than not sleeping at all. For the other babies, it's between their parents and the teachers.

[karinothing]

Ugh I am sorry. I know at my center the babies HAVE to sleep in their cribs, it is the law. It is really safest for them to be in the crib so I do not think that is unreasonable at all.

I think it takes about 2 weeks for them to get used to daycare. I know it sucks, I am sorry

Don't worry about being that mom. You need to advocate for your child. That is ALL that matters.

And my daycare feeds kids while holding them. When they are bit older and can hold their own bottle they will let them hold their bottle.

[curbsideprophet]

Lol that swings and bouncy seats are not for their convenience. Of course they! Why do you think so many people have them at home!

[toesie]

Aug 11, 2014 18:58:03 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

I get its a big transition to dsycare but hes done all sleeping in a crib fir the last 3 months, including the travel crib fir about 3 weeks over the course of the summer. I honestly feel like adjusting to a new crib is the least of the obstacles in transittioning to daycare.

How do you usually put him down for nap in the crib? Maybe give the teachers tips on how to do that?

[katiecj]

I would be ticked that they didn't listen to your wishes, plus those aren't very long nap times to boast about sleeping in a bouncy.


That being said, Jake refused to nap in the crib until he was 15 months, before that he napped in the bouncy or at home on the couch.

So I had the 13 month old sleeping in a bouncy he was fine and I brought the bouncy for them to use.

[asoctoberfalls]

Aug 11, 2014 19:05:31 GMT -5 @this said:

asoctoberfalls IDK what happened to your response, but plenty of centers don't have any containment devices in the infant room with a 4:1 ratio and manage without having babies CIO.

I deleted it because I didn't realize I wasn't talking to the OP and you weren't asking for advice. You caught me even though I deleted right away!

I just know for my kid, he would not fall asleep without being rocked or jiggled or what have you, and he would ALWAYS wake up when placed in the crib.

And to the OP... I didn't catch that you asked them not to put him in the bouncy or a swing at all. In that case, I would be upset that they disregarded my wishes, but I would still give them a pass this time. I would stress to the teachers that you don't want him in those devices ever. If it happens again, then talk to the director.

[cricketwife]

toesie, I just lay him down and he goes to sleep so I dont know how to help them. I was expecting them to know how to do this but since they have little / no experience getting babies to sleep in cribs, I guess it's a bit of a problem for all of us.

[Yankees21]

I posted here when N started about his sleep issues there, so I feel you. He was sleeping (hardly at all) in a bouncer. I had to talk to them a couple of times, but they now always put him down in a crib. One thing though is he still naps much much better at home and unfortunately that seemed to be the consensus from the thread I posted, so it might not just be as simple as laying him down in the crib at daycare.

I would definitely speak to them again about not keeping him in containment devices and give it a couple week adjustment period. If you're still unhappy, then maybe think about continuing to search for a place.

[thebreakfastclub]

I missed the part that OP didn't want him in a bouncy at all. DS often slept in his Boppy - wherever he fell asleep. It was very seldom in the crib.

And I put DS in his crib for the night at one week old, so he loves the crib. His longest nap there was maybe 60 min, vs 2 hours at home. Some days were 0.

Just don't be shocked if nap habits are different at DC. My son needed the group nap in the toddler room to do 2 hours at once every day.

[oceanstbride]

Ugh, I'm sorry. I'd be upset that you found him in the bouncy chair after saying you didn't want him in there. But I think I'd also give them a second chance (after a conversation with all teachers stating your wishes). Also, it sounds like since the teacher said s/he wanted to talk to you about him sleeping in the bouncy chair, they prioritized him sleeping for even 30 min. over him crying. And since crying was why they called you on Friday, I can maybe see why they would have done that. Was this the lead teacher? If not, I would speak with them. And since the director left you their number, I would call or at least ask the "front desk" who is in charge when the director is away.

This starting daycare thing is so hard. DS started last week. Napping has been the pits. He's actually napping, but is sleeping 1 hour max as opposed to approximately 3 at home. So he is just so exhausted. There's just so much to see and do and then getting used to napping with a bunch of other babies in the same room. Friends have told me that it takes between 2-3 weeks to get better at the transition.

[cricketwife]

@merida, I was unclear. Ratio is 1:5 so usually there are 2 adults and ten kids. Today there were only 7 kids but still two adults

[Deleted]

I entirely agree that you're looking for nanny attention at daycare prices. I wouldn't be thrilled if my baby had to listen to your baby scream all day because you think he always belongs on the floor (or in arms, but obviously that's not possible all day) rather than in a swing or bouncer.

[curbsideprophet]

I am just going follow @this through this thread and like all her posts.

Yes, daycares without containment devices do exist. The only containment device our daycare has is cribs. It is completely realistic to want your child to nap in a crib.

[lolo]

J's original daycare did not have containment devices.

Now J goes to MDO 1x/week. The only containment devices they have are high chairs. I am okay with that.

Both of these places called me if J was upset. To me, that is part of the transition. I want J to associate these settings with being happy and safe, and I'm okay if that means a slower transition and involves me picking her up or coming in to nurse her as needed. I recognize not everyone has that luxury or desires this. But I don't think it's ridiculous on the daycare's part to call and communicate that it's a rough day.

Now if they demanded that OP come pick up her LO, that would be different.

[lolo]

Aug 11, 2014 22:09:12 GMT -5 @this said:

Aug 11, 2014 21:51:22 GMT -5 lolo said:

Now if they demanded that OP come pick up her LO, that would be different.

1) It sounds like that's exactly what happened. 2) What you described is not realistic for 99% of working parents (like OP). A FT DCP's job is to competently handle my kid's day and any unhappiness while I'm at work because for most working parents, it's impossible to leave just because a kid is unhappy. I want to know about it, sure, but what in the world good does a phone call in the middle of the day when I can't leave do other than to make me feel guilty? We miss enough work due to fevers, appointments, school events, etc.

1) Well, then that's lame. 

2) I agree--that's why I put in my original response this line: 'I recognize not everyone has that luxury or desires this.'

When this was first happening, FTR, I was transitioning J to daycare so that I could become a FTWP. I still wanted them to contact me, especially during that transition period. 

[mcfelix]

Our daycare does not have containment devices, period. Babies sleep in cribs, and when they transition to the toddler room (around 18 months, give or take) they sleep on cots. The ratio is 3:1 for children under the age of 2.

In the infant room, each baby has one of the those furry animal rugs, so they will lay the babies on the floor on their mats when they are tending to other ones. (Once the babies start crawling, they crawl around the room and play with toys when other babies are being tended to.

Bottles are never propped up for babies to eat - a provider holds the child while giving the bottle. The babies don't get fed at the same time, but one after another.

So, I don't think you are overreacting. I'd calmly ask about the situation to the in room providers tomorrow, see how it goes, and if there's no improvement, call the director on vacation. I wouldn't write them off immediately - give them another chance to see how they handle things. Good luck!

[Deleted]

I don't see how a 1:5 ratio can supply the care that a 1:3 ratio can, though, no matter how hard they work at it.

[redheadk]

What would bother me most is that it sounds like their MO is to put the kids in a bouncer or swing for sleep. Like they don't seem to know what else to do with them besides put them in swings and bouncers? And 7 months is really pushing it for both of those devices.

[schrodinger]

Aug 11, 2014 21:05:33 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Aug 11, 2014 21:04:21 GMT -5 @this said:

@dontcallmeshirley1 That was me and I don't walk around demanding they comply with my expectations, but a 7mo (who already sleeps in a crib) not being in a containment decide is not a wild or crazy expectation.

This is reminding me of the thread about not being allowed to bring kids to daycare after 9am because of the interruption it causes. I didn't agree with that either. lol

Holy shit, I have experience with this. It got us strongly worded letters. My H was furious. Lol. Too bad I missed that thread! 

It was my thread.  About 3 months ago?

We start our new daycare in three weeks and the crappy drop off policy was the main driver for switching.  It felt really good to hand in our two week notice and basically say "suck it Lori!"

OP: I think that if you requested no containment devices that they should respect your wishes.  But, I think that all kids transition differently.  Daycare is such a different environment.  DD never slept more than 1.5 hours in the infant room because of the noise and activity level.  As soon as she transitioned to the toddler room, 2.5 hour naps became her norm.  If you kid needs some extra time to transition to sleeping in a more active environment, give them a few weeks to get that squared away.  He may need to fall asleep in a containment device at daycare, but they should work towards transitioning him.

[scsarah]

I agree that there is a transition period for all kids. And heaven knows DS does not nap as well at day care as he does at home - we call it FOMO (fear of missing out). He just stays up all day and does a couple of quick naps.

But yes, our DC center has no containment devices. I think a 5:1 ratio is hard for people to give individual attention to each child, but it should still be possible. And since OP had specifically requested no containment devices, it shouldn't be hard to work with that. I agree that repetition would be key.