announcement related/ sensitive/IF

[jg183]

Please help me. I'm hoping to FaceTime my family this week about being preg with #2. My brother and his wife have been TTC for about 18 months. I'm not sure if she's with a specialist by now, she hasn't talked to me about it for awhile. I don't think she is pregnant bc I think she was drinking recently and definitely over July 4 when I saw then
I'm hoping I tell them and they say "us too" but I'm scared of hurting them more which is the last thing I want to do.
I'm really worried about this -please tell me how to approach it in the most sensitive way possible.
If it matters it was 1 cycle with Luke and 2 this time so I can't relate and know that
We are across the country. Is phone better so they don't have to hide a facial expression response? FaceTime? A pic texted of Luke in big bro shirt?

[bigapple]

Could you just facetime your parents and send your brother and SIL a message? That way you can enjoy your parents' reaction, and the others can have time to process on their own?

[betsyray]

I was told to send an email for my friend so she would have time to process it without having to pretend to be happy right away.

[puppylove64]

I told my SIL over the phone one evening when I knew she was home. I wanted to tell her myself, but I wanted to be sure she was home and could cry if she wanted. The phone call was short. She told me she was happy for me, but I could tell she was holding back tears. Afterwards, Bil said she cried but was genuinely happy for me. It is just hard for her to see other people having children easily.

[Beener]

I would tell her separately. Maybe even preface it by saying, "I have something to tell you but I don't want you to feel pressured to react in a happy way." Or something more eloquent than that to let her know that it's ok if she's feeling sad because you are empathetic. That would be a really nice gesture. I know it was hard for me to hear people getting pregnant so easily, even if I was super excited for them. When you're in that place of IF,
Sometimes all you can think is "why not me?"

Btw congratulations! And you're super awesome for even asking this question!

[jg183]

Thanks! I will definitely be calling them separately from my parents thanks for confirming that i shouldn't face time so they can react. I never call her directly so I'll call my brother in an evening when they are both home.
I hope they say they are too!

[formerlyllizzyb]

No FaceTime, sorry. Email or telling indirectly through brother is probably best.

[steph196]

My sister told me about her 2nd pregnancy over FaceTime and it was awful. I would definitely recommend just calling. They can fake excitement a lot easier without you seeing their faces.
Don't expect them to jump for joy and ask questions. Their hearts will be broken, not because they aren't excited to have another niece or nephew, but because they desperately want what is so easy for you to have.
Tell them gently, not with a lot of energy. I know that you are excited, because this is a huge time in your life. Just be gentle and remember that your exciting news is heartbreaking for them. 
Dont expect them to ask you for updates during your pregnancy. They will be excited and want to be involved in your child's life, but right now it is tough. I adore my nephew, even though finding out about my sister's pregnancy was super hard on me. She expected me to be excited for her, and she thought that I was choosing not to be excited. The empty and envious feelings that come with infertility are not feelings that we choose to make. They are just a reality of the awful experience of IF. 
It sounds like you are already being cautious about their feelings, and that is huge. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

[jg183]

Thanks for the insight. I'm actually terrified to tell them. I feel so horrible. I was hoping every month that they would get pregnant before me.

I will be calling them and understanding the perspective you have explained and not expecting them to be excited. When I was pregnant with Luke, they werent married yet or trying so it's very different this time.
She did talk about ttc with me in the beginning but since Feb she hasnt brought it up again (I dont talk to her on the phone or anything but we did go on vacation together in June). My brother has never brought up their struggles with me at all, he's much more private about it.

Thanks for the help! I hope I can tell them in the least hurtful way, I know the IF has already hurt them a ton but I know that not telling them when I tell my parents/sister and them finding out would be worse.

[eav2c]

I really appreciate Steph's post as it gives me some perspective. Unfortunately my pregnancy with Colin was pretty much relationship ending with my brother's wife and I. I tried to tread as carefully as possible and I think it's really important to be prepared for them to not be excited or show enthusiasm. It doesn't mean they don't love you though! If it were me, I would tell my brother separately first.


*after 5+ years of trying my SIL is about 18 weeks pregnant.

[DaphneStrauss]

My SIL and BIL were going through infertility and were on their final round of IVF when I returned from my honeymoon pregnant with our surprise baby.

I was very nervous to tell them because I was aware of their situation and was sensitive to the pain they would feel. Before we told the whole family we told them separately. We did it in person because they live around the block from us but looking back a phone call would have been better. Turns out she was also pregnant at the time and found out the next day! So our children are one month apart.

They have been going through IVF unsuccessfully the past year and we are going to TTC this month and I do worry how they will feel when/if I get pregnant again.

You've gotten some great advice on how to handle it and hope things go okay. I really appreciate your post, steph, it helps me to understand how my SIL and BIL feel and how we should tell them the next time around.

[steph196]

jg183 How did it go?

[dojo]

Aug 12, 2014 18:50:45 GMT -5 steph196 said:

My sister told me about her 2nd pregnancy over FaceTime and it was awful. I would definitely recommend just calling. They can fake excitement a lot easier without you seeing their faces.
Don't expect them to jump for joy and ask questions. Their hearts will be broken, not because they aren't excited to have another niece or nephew, but because they desperately want what is so easy for you to have.
Tell them gently, not with a lot of energy. I know that you are excited, because this is a huge time in your life. Just be gentle and remember that your exciting news is heartbreaking for them. 
Dont expect them to ask you for updates during your pregnancy. They will be excited and want to be involved in your child's life, but right now it is tough. I adore my nephew, even though finding out about my sister's pregnancy was super hard on me. She expected me to be excited for her, and she thought that I was choosing not to be excited. The empty and envious feelings that come with infertility are not feelings that we choose to make. They are just a reality of the awful experience of IF. 
It sounds like you are already being cautious about their feelings, and that is huge. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Reading this have me goosebumps. Hugs.

[jg183]

steph196 thanks for asking. kind of long and i dont really know what happened
I told my parents and sister on tuesday and knew i needed to call my brother wed. They had a rehearsal dinner thurs, a wedding fri, and friends in town all weekend. I waited until 8pm eastern thinking he'd be home by then. It turns out he was driving for work and wouldn't be home until midnight
my brother said he was excited and that he would tell his wife bc he was about to call her. On Thursday night (while they were at the rehearsal dinner) she texted me "he just told me! Congrats! Go you all!"
SO I'm not sure if he really told her wednesday when he said he would and it took her awhile to respond (and maybe a drink) OR he really didnt tell her and told her at a public place (I hope he didn't but i wouldn't put it past him)

I know last time she talked to me about their troubles ttc (february) she said he wasn't worried yet because the doctor told them it takes a year on average and at that point it was just about a year so he wasnt concerned. She was (understandably) very upset by then but my brother is a pretty laid back person so either way I'm not surprised.

[Deleted]

I'm glad it went well. I think that worked out well so that she had time to process it on her own.


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[steph196]

Aug 18, 2014 9:07:50 GMT -5 jg183 said:

steph196 thanks for asking. kind of long and i dont really know what happened
I told my parents and sister on tuesday and knew i needed to call my brother wed. They had a rehearsal dinner thurs, a wedding fri, and friends in town all weekend. I waited until 8pm eastern thinking he'd be home by then. It turns out he was driving for work and wouldn't be home until midnight
my brother said he was excited and that he would tell his wife bc he was about to call her. On Thursday night (while they were at the rehearsal dinner) she texted me "he just told me! Congrats! Go you all!"
SO I'm not sure if he really told her wednesday when he said he would and it took her awhile to respond (and maybe a drink) OR he really didnt tell her and told her at a public place (I hope he didn't but i wouldn't put it past him)

I know last time she talked to me about their troubles ttc (february) she said he wasn't worried yet because the doctor told them it takes a year on average and at that point it was just about a year so he wasnt concerned. She was (understandably) very upset by then but my brother is a pretty laid back person so either way I'm not surprised.

It sounds like it happened the way it was supposed to happen. Having your brother tell her made it less of an announcement, so hopefully that helped her feel better about it. 
Hopefully she magically ends up pregnant and you both have LOs to celebrate!