Moms with 3ish year olds! Help!

[maybesomeday]

Over the last 2 months (because we are still living together) my XH and I have had a parenting schedule and during our 'off' times we try to allow the other time with our daughter and make it home for the bedtime routine.
The last 2 nights have been mine and XH hasn't come home before bed.
She generally goes down pretty easy with a small amount of extra time negotiated in by her for more snuggle time. Who can say no to that!
The last 2 nights she cried for him. Big tears! Not just whining. (When he is here she doesn't pay much attention to him) She begs me not to leave her and actually holds on to my arms. I've caved and rocked some more with her until she is ready.
His excuse: it's really hard to be home right now and this is what's best until I move... NEXT Saturday. Ummm? Best for who?
1: I'm so devastated she has to go through this.
2: what can I don't help her through this?
3: please tell me if gets easier. I am a mess.

[1confused1]

Ok, going to be blunt.

First of all, she is so young she will not remember you and your ex living together. We split when my now 5 year old was 2 and she has no recollection of us together.

Second, you guys need to start doing things separately. Forgive me, I don't remember your story, but why are you living together? Put her to bed without each other so she get's used to it.

To respond to your bullet points:
1. She and you will be fine. Like I said, she most likely won't remember.
2. Buy her some books, reassure her she's going to be fine that both mom and dad love her, etc.
3. It does get easier. It will get easier as soon as you aren't living with him.

[maybesomeday]

Aug 21, 2014 22:10:52 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Ok, going to be blunt.

First of all, she is so young she will not remember you and your ex living together. We split when my now 5 year old was 2 and she has no recollection of us together.

Second, you guys need to start doing things separately. Forgive me, I don't remember your story, but why are you living together? Put her to bed without each other so she get's used to it.

To respond to your bullet points:
1. She and you will be fine. Like I said, she most likely won't remember.
2. Buy her some books, reassure her she's going to be fine that both mom and dad love her, etc.
3. It does get easier. It will get easier as soon as you aren't living with him.

I can handle blunt!
We decided on our divorce late June and I'm moving out next weekend. It was the fastest way we logistically could do it. We do the actual putting to bed alone. On the rare occasion i am not home he does it but generally it's me. But there is the good nights and hugs and kisses that she isn't getting from him.
I have books that I should makeba stronger effort at reading each night as opposed to others.

God I can't wait to be done with this!

[doriswe]

Yup, what she said!!

Also, kids do this...gear up for it...it will happen lots of times!! Kids are assholes from time to time!

[cuddlyevil]

What they said. You guys will be fine, it will be hard on all of you at first but you'll make it through.

[tiffany81]

DS was 4 when we started the process. We lived together while we tried to sell the house. At first we agreed to both be home at night for his bedtime and then eventually exH just stopped giving a damn and stopped coming home some nights. So those were rough on DS, but more so me. I think I was seeing some of my frustration and fear on his face. When in reality, I think DS was just asking for a hug and didn't really care that he got extras from me.

My advice, start getting your child excited about her new room/new house/whatever. Explain that soon she'll have two places to play. And that daddy sometimes has to work late. It seems easiest for my kid to understand. I reassure him that we both love him dearly and then I snuggle him extra. We've only been out of the house for like 2-3 months and it's already SO MUCH BETTER. He asks for his daddy maybe once every 2 weeks. He knows he sees him often and doesn't seem to care when he doesn't. Kids are awesome at adjusting.

So yes, it gets so much easier!! Hang in there.

[Chirp]

My son was 2 when I filed and just turned 3 when I moved out. We have 50/50 custody; one week with me, one week with his dad.

DS was confused for the first whole week he was with XH and then for a few nights the first week he was with me, but he put it all together pretty quickly after that. This was about 7 months ago.

When he's with me, he asks about his dad on Thursday night (we switch on Fridays). He asks if tomorrow is when he goes to his dad's, I say yes, and he starts getting his stuff (he has a little backpack for his ipad and any toys he wants to take with) packed up and ready. I drop him off at my mom's (she babysits M-F), tell him daddy is going to pick him up, and leave. He usually calls me a few times while he's with his dad.


Long story short, it'll all get much easier once you move out and there are clear lines established. It'll be tough at first, but you'll all fall into your new routines. And yes, she's young enough that she won't remember when you and your stbx lived together.

[maybesomeday]

Thanks for stories and tips. Rationally I know it will all be just fine. There are times where I wonder what the hell we've done.
In the end, she will be ok and just get more snuggles from me!

[locarb]

It's easier when they are young. Now my kids only cry out for dad when they don't get what they want from me. Manipulation is learned early.

I agree with other posters.

eta: when my girls said they missed daddy, I reassured them it was ok to miss him. I would offer to call or face time. That helped.

[geekychic]

Shoot. My 2 year doesn't get what she wants from me... she gets her backpack and tells me "Bye bye, Mommy. I am going to Daddy's". Nice try, little girl.

My therapist recommended "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child". Dd still has the occasional night like that.

[Deleted]

What do you think is going to happen when he moves out? I doubt that he will drive over every night to help you put her to bed, so expect this to be what it is like from here on out.