I felt jealous of a friend who's got a boyfriend, last night. The flammable part is her relationship is totally red flaggy but I was still "WHY CAN'T I MEET ANYONE?"
I have an on call FWB. I'm thinking about calling him Sunday but I'm having a hard time with the idea of casual sex at this point in my life. It's not for me. I feel bad after. I'd rather be with someone and I'm not talking to anyone or dating anyone. So alas, I'm probably going to stay alone on Sunday and ride my bike and walk the lake instead.
Yeah, I don't get the issue with DATING. Unless the poster has a history of jumping into relationships too soon, or the poster is all "First date and I am in LOVE" two months after breaking up, meh. It's DATING. It's FUN! Dating isn't always about finding a relationship. There ARE posters I will tell not to date due to history, but most people, meh.
I DO tell people not to get in a relationship so early. Because, really, I just think everyone should spend some time alone. Get to know yourself!
Flameful? I have no idea if I am one of the "no dating" posters or not. I know I have told people that before, but I can't remember whether or not it was justified. I'm a hippo-in-a-crate.
I'll start. It seems to be common for SOers to feel free to let others know when they should and shouldn't date, like with DirtySouth's post. Unless someone is actually asking for advice I don't see the point in telling them what irt relationships. I may have missed some posts, but I haven't seen her crying on here a bunch or having a major issues. There isn't one right way for people to live their lives.
When people come on to say that they have a history of codependent relationships and don't know how to not date and make time to work on themselves, I see nothing wrong with reminding someone of that. DirtySouth came on recently saying those exact things so yeah, it's warranted. She's apparently set on asking for advice and doing the opposite anyway so it's not whatever anyone says will matter...
I comment on people taking some time away from the peen when their posts, time and time again, scream "codependent". To me, I think it's an injustice to sit back and be all "YOLO". I wish I had honest people to tell me to chill the fuck out after a break-up or two. Most of us say it to others because we've been there and know how badly it will turn out. We want better for people and want to provide them with some insight.
Usually it's met with "You don't know my lyfe"...which is fine, but at least it's been said.
I call myself out on the codependency issue. I've had a problem in the past and I got pissy when people called me out. I'm doing what feels right for me this time, and yes I dated a dude for a month, and went out on a few dates here and there, but really recoiled after anything major because I wasn't and still am not ready. I think it takes some people longer than others to realize what is right for them.
I know that what I'm up to is pretty flameful. Just last week, I was bent on asking N to try working on the marriage. This week, I've boned another dude every other night. (And haven't talked to N once!) Maybe Vegas is just the band-aide right now, but for the first time in a REALLY long time, I feel happy. I get that I shouldn't be in a relationship, but I'm not quite willing to kick out something good just to "work on myself" because I am still doing that.
I will also fully own it if shit doesn't work out.
Eh, as long as she doesn't come on and tell us she's in a committed relationship I think she should have fun. Maybe some practice not getting dependent is what she needs. It doesn't really matter to me. Even if she ends up getting hurt, that's life. We pick ourselves up, brush off and move on. Anyone here telling her what to do won't make much difference other than make her feel like she can't talk about what's going on.
If someone saying something gives a poster something to think about, then this support board is doing its job. Sitting back and saying nothing doesn't help anyone. Plenty of posters come in, get advice contrary to their actions, and come back to report that they didn't do it and learned from their mistakes...or that they still think we're idiots. If by telling a poster something they don't want to hear causes them to censor themselves, then so be it. I'd rather pipe up and give someone what I think is good advice when they need it. The worst you could do is help someone help themselves.
I know that what I'm up to is pretty flameful. Just last week, I was bent on asking N to try working on the marriage. This week, I've boned another dude every other night. (And haven't talked to N once!) Maybe Vegas is just the band-aide right now, but for the first time in a REALLY long time, I feel happy. I get that I shouldn't be in a relationship, but I'm not quite willing to kick out something good just to "work on myself" because I am still doing that.
I will also fully own it if shit doesn't work out.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Aug 22, 2014 9:28:36 GMT -5
Dating in and of itself is not something I generally care about. But if you come on here and you're all serial monogamist and you've met the next love of your life already, I'm going to side-eye that. And if you tell me your soulmate just walked out on you and you're dating already, I'm going to side-eye that. (In part for your use of the word soulmate as a grownup). I guess for me it depends on context.
Also if you're dating and I think it's to avoid dealing with loneliness or facing your personal demons, I'll judge that too.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Yeah, I don't get the issue with DATING. Unless the poster has a history of jumping into relationships too soon, or the poster is all "First date and I am in LOVE" two months after breaking up, meh. It's DATING. It's FUN! Dating isn't always about finding a relationship. There ARE posters I will tell not to date due to history, but most people, meh.
I DO tell people not to get in a relationship so early. Because, really, I just think everyone should spend some time alone. Get to know yourself!
Flameful? I have no idea if I am one of the "no dating" posters or not. I know I have told people that before, but I can't remember whether or not it was justified. I'm a hippo-in-a-crate.
This is exactly my point and position. Yes, mcc, I posted that I am learning how to be single and not in a relationship. That is way different than saying I don't know how to not date. My marriage has been over now for over a year and I'm not anywhere close to even dating someone exclusively. The "dates" that I have with guys really don't feel much different than going out with my girlfriends. Except there are a few that I happen to have sex with on occasion.
My issue and what I've posted about before is not knowing how to focus on me, as my past relationship was all about helping and "fixing" my ex. If I were in another relationship where I was focused on someone else's needs, then yeah, that wouldn't be healthy. I need to focus on my own needs right now and not create a situation where I am focused on someone else's (other than my son, of course). But what I'm doing right now is simply "Hey, you busy tonight? Want to go out dancing?" And then we meet up, dance, talk and have a nice time. And sometimes sex is involved. Then a couple weeks go by, one of us sends a text and saying hi, and at some point we end up hanging out again. This is basically just a friendship.
I feel awkward in here. Like I need to make LOUD NOISES! Because I agree with mcc and @stpete. I think dating is usually fine post separation, as long as it's not serious. Like, I'm fine with jigsy boning new dude. I actually think it is good for her since she isn't thinking about her XH right now. But I also see when you think you see a pattern with a poster and you feel the need to say "hey, maybe this isn't the right time."
I think the problem with the unsolicited advice is when it becomes a snarky pile on. The snark is not going to make anyone listen, so you aren't helping. You are really just trying to be superior (in my opinion) and show how YOU would NEVER ____________. I don't think this is what mcc did-to clarify. And I have been IN those pile ons before because sometimes you just get SO ANNOYED. I actually think the snark has been a lot less on this board lately and it has been more helpful nudges than knife to the back. I like that.
Post by riverpestie on Aug 22, 2014 9:35:41 GMT -5
There's a new girl that FI just became friends with and I am normally not a jealous person, but for some reason this girl rubs me the wrong way.
I was irritated when I saw that they friended each other on FB as well.
Maybe it is because she is all chatty kathy with him all the time (he is on her bowling league- he recently met her at a party) and when I show up, she avoids eye contact with me and doesn't really engage on conversation with me very much at all. I do try! She also makes it a point to sit next to him when they're bowling.
He was at his bowling league last night (I didn't go) and she was telling him that she needs more girls for her kickball league on Monday nights, and he told her that I'm available and she said that she didn't want to send me an email to ask me because I won't know who she is... Umm, I KNOW who you are, I have been trying to at least get to know you, because my FI obviously thinks you're cool and that you're fun to hang out with, but you more or less shut down or get really weird acting when I am in the picture.
When I went to his bowling thing 2 Thursdays ago (before I left for Greece), he was talking about how we're going to Italy next year. And she pipped in, "yeah, because you're going to get maaaaarrrrrrrrrrrried." The tone she was using was just... off.
Maybe I am being pre-judgemental of her, but her behavior around me is odd and I actually told FI that I don't like her. Although, I don't really think that I don't like her, but she definitely isn't my favorite person in the world. He went on to ask why I didn't like her and then he added that she is very similar to me as she loves dogs and is a vegetarian. Just because someone likes dogs and is a vegetarian doesn't mean we're going to be best friends.
FWIW: This has nothing to do with the fact that she's a female, the majority of his friends are female and I have no problem with any of them, except this one.
Yeah, I don't get the issue with DATING. Unless the poster has a history of jumping into relationships too soon, or the poster is all "First date and I am in LOVE" two months after breaking up, meh. It's DATING. It's FUN! Dating isn't always about finding a relationship. There ARE posters I will tell not to date due to history, but most people, meh.
I DO tell people not to get in a relationship so early. Because, really, I just think everyone should spend some time alone. Get to know yourself!
Flameful? I have no idea if I am one of the "no dating" posters or not. I know I have told people that before, but I can't remember whether or not it was justified. I'm a hippo-in-a-crate.
This is exactly my point and position. Yes, mcc, I posted that I am learning how to be single and not in a relationship. That is way different than saying I don't know how to not date. My marriage has been over now for over a year and I'm not anywhere close to even dating someone exclusively. The "dates" that I have with guys really don't feel much different than going out with my girlfriends. Except there are a few that I happen to have sex with on occasion.
My issue and what I've posted about before is not knowing how to focus on me, as my past relationship was all about helping and "fixing" my ex. If I were in another relationship where I was focused on someone else's needs, then yeah, that wouldn't be healthy. I need to focus on my own needs right now and not create a situation where I am focused on someone else's (other than my son, of course). But what I'm doing right now is simply "Hey, you busy tonight? Want to go out dancing?" And then we meet up, dance, talk and have a nice time. And sometimes sex is involved. Then a couple weeks go by, one of us sends a text and saying hi, and at some point we end up hanging out again. This is basically just a friendship.
Honestly, good for you. Do your thing. But we only know what you post on here--which is almost exclusively codependency issues, wanting to work on yourself, asking for advice on how to work on yourself, your divorce party, singles cruise, speed dating, and wild sex. We all have different dimensions, but if you only post about issues and sex, that's all we know about.
Eh, as long as she doesn't come on and tell us she's in a committed relationship I think she should have fun. Maybe some practice not getting dependent is what she needs. It doesn't really matter to me. Even if she ends up getting hurt, that's life. We pick ourselves up, brush off and move on. Anyone here telling her what to do won't make much difference other than make her feel like she can't talk about what's going on.
If someone saying something gives a poster something to think about, then this support board is doing its job. Sitting back and saying nothing doesn't help anyone. Plenty of posters come in, get advice contrary to their actions, and come back to report that they didn't do it and learned from their mistakes...or that they still think we're idiots. If by telling a poster something they don't want to hear causes them to censor themselves, then so be it. I'd rather pipe up and give someone what I think is good advice when they need it. The worst you could do is help someone help themselves.
I have no problem with this, as long as a person says their peace and moves on. Who knows, maybe in a few months I'll be like, yeah, you were right and I don't need to date. I don't think so, but life is pretty fucking unclear and unpredictable, and I certainly don't always make the right choices. But I agree with @stpete, you live and learn, brush yourself off, and move on. All I know is right now I feel like I am focusing on myself, and part of that is just having casual fun with people, both male and female. If it all blows up in my face, I'll totally come back and own it, so long as there hasn't been incessant flaming about it. I mean, I've been on the boards (knot/nest/bump/GBCN) for something crazy like ten years, and have shared my two divorces and personal mistakes before, so it's not likely to stop now.
This is exactly my point and position. Yes, mcc, I posted that I am learning how to be single and not in a relationship. That is way different than saying I don't know how to not date. My marriage has been over now for over a year and I'm not anywhere close to even dating someone exclusively. The "dates" that I have with guys really don't feel much different than going out with my girlfriends. Except there are a few that I happen to have sex with on occasion.
My issue and what I've posted about before is not knowing how to focus on me, as my past relationship was all about helping and "fixing" my ex. If I were in another relationship where I was focused on someone else's needs, then yeah, that wouldn't be healthy. I need to focus on my own needs right now and not create a situation where I am focused on someone else's (other than my son, of course). But what I'm doing right now is simply "Hey, you busy tonight? Want to go out dancing?" And then we meet up, dance, talk and have a nice time. And sometimes sex is involved. Then a couple weeks go by, one of us sends a text and saying hi, and at some point we end up hanging out again. This is basically just a friendship.
Honestly, good for you. Do your thing. But we only know what you post on here--which is almost exclusively codependency issues, wanting to work on yourself, asking for advice on how to work on yourself, your divorce party, singles cruise, speed dating, and wild sex. We all have different dimensions, but if you only post about issues and sex, that's all we know about.
Well, that's because this is the starting over board. This is where I go to specifically talk about those topics. I have other places I go (not just online, but friends I talk to) to discuss career, travel, parenting, recipes, etc.
I've worked 52 hours this week. I said I had an appointment this morning so I could sleep in. I feel justified in this lie.
As far as the dating stuff I think it is subjective. But before dating I think it's important you are truly happy with just being with yourself and that you know you can be alone and just fine. That's gonna be different for everyone.
A friend and I got into a fight about a month ago where we were both oversensitive. I'm supposed to walk 50 miles over 3 days with her in less than 2 weeks. I'm not interested in making up with her and secretly hope she backs out of the walk.
I feel like "my marriage has been over awhile" is the "you don't know my LYFE" excuse. I mean if you've worked in therapy and fully grieved your marriage before it ended, that's one thing I guess...
But, I used that one, too. And realized later how ridiculous it was. Haha.
I honestly think a lot of this has to do with someone having to learn by their own devices. Most of us have been there at some point and we had to go through it too. I'm learning that you have to take a step back and let people trip on their own, get back up, trip again, fall etc until they figure it out.
I've finally reached the point where I'm really letting go of where I think I should be, just doing the very best I can, focusing on really positive things and letting life happen as it will, without worrying about controlling things. It's huge for me. Huge.
I can't remember the lady time I learned from someone else's mistakes instead of my own.
I also don't think I've ever stopped dating or being open to dating completely. I've avoided serious relationships but I don't think I have to be without sex or men to be who I am or grow as a person. I'm pretty independent and don't feel like I need a relationship with a man to be complete. I think if I felt that way I'd need a break.
And this is where you're different than other posters...there is a lot of "I need someone to complete me" and don't see the need to find internal happiness.
I know that what I'm up to is pretty flameful. Just last week, I was bent on asking N to try working on the marriage. This week, I've boned another dude every other night. (And haven't talked to N once!) Maybe Vegas is just the band-aide right now, but for the first time in a REALLY long time, I feel happy. I get that I shouldn't be in a relationship, but I'm not quite willing to kick out something good just to "work on myself" because I am still doing that.
I will also fully own it if shit doesn't work out.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Vegas is exempt /gavel
I think you are probably referring to the place Vegas, and not the person Vegas...but I'll take it either way
For me, I feel like Vegas did something that I don't know would have happened in therapy. He has not only made me feel like I can be incredible sexy and wanted, even at my current size, but also that I am an interesting person, someone worth listening to. Yes, I shouldn't have to base my confidence on the opinion of someone else, but I feel like I had gotten so used to seeing myself through N's eyes, that it took an outside perspective to really get me out of that funk.
I now kind of want to examine in therapy why I fought so hard to stay with someone who made me feel the opposite. Why I allowed myself to be stuck there for so long.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 22, 2014 11:03:14 GMT -5
I found some blue eyeshadow that I didn't know I had anymore. So I wore it to work today.
I'm also wearing the same blue jeans that I wore yesterday. They're my favorite and I'm headed to dinner and to see a local band after work so I wanted to be comfortable.
I think you are probably referring to the place Vegas, and not the person Vegas...but I'll take it either way
For me, I feel like Vegas did something that I don't know would have happened in therapy. He has not only made me feel like I can be incredible sexy and wanted, even at my current size, but also that I am an interesting person, someone worth listening to. Yes, I shouldn't have to base my confidence on the opinion of someone else, but I feel like I had gotten so used to seeing myself through N's eyes, that it took an outside perspective to really get me out of that funk.
I now kind of want to examine in therapy why I fought so hard to stay with someone who made me feel the opposite. Why I allowed myself to be stuck there for so long.
Well said, Jigsy. I completely agree with you, in that sometimes it takes someone else (a friend, lover, parent, sister, etc...) to make us see ourselves other than what we've come to believe we are. Props to you for wanting to examine this new perspective in therapy!