Post by billysgirl07 on Aug 24, 2014 16:21:53 GMT -5
I have found that I have become increasingly less tolerant of people who snub or can't be bothered to exercise. I mentioned my friend who decided she wanted to begin a C25K program - she made it a few weeks but then kept getting "injured" or she "didn't want people to see her run" or "it's too expensive to exercise"...one excuse after another. Frustrating. I don't care if you can't run (because really, running isn't for everyone!) but if you want to be a healthier person, it does not come overnight, it takes hard work and no excuses - even if it's just a walk for half an hour - get out there and do something!
So I guess this would be why the majority of my friends are H&F people. They "get" it.
I have friends and family with all sorts of athletic abilities from professional athletes to couch potatoes. Being in shape is pretty much the last thing on my requirements of what I need in a friend.
I have friends and family with all sorts of athletic abilities from professional athletes to couch potatoes. Being in shape is pretty much the last thing on my requirements of what I need in a friend.
Ok, well yes, I guess I didn't come across like a good friend here.
I certainly am not the epitome of athletic ability and health and fitness but I guess I get frustrated when people want to make positive changes to become more healthy but then just bitch about how it didn't happen overnight.
I don't care if my friends are into fitness or not. I'll ask if they want to walk with me, do the stairs, hang out at the pool, go dancing, whatever. Sometimes they say yes, and sometimes no. All of my interactions with my friends don't have to be fitness related. Happy hour for instance! My friends don't have to like everything that I like.
I have friends and family with all sorts of athletic abilities from professional athletes to couch potatoes. Being in shape is pretty much the last thing on my requirements of what I need in a friend.
Ok, well yes, I guess I didn't come across like a good friend here.
I certainly am not the epitome of athletic ability and health and fitness but I guess I get frustrated when people want to make positive changes to become more healthy but then just bitch about how it didn't happen overnight.
Well your first sentence said you can't be bothered with people who don't exercise. That has nothing to do with complaining.
As far as complaining goes, it is frustrating to not see results within a day, week or months. If I had a friend who was frustrated and/or complaining I'd either give them encouragement or just be there to listen (depending on the type of friend they are and if they want encouragement).
If you don't want to be friends with someone, that's fine, but you sound pretty shitty when you say you can't be bothered with people who don't exercise.
Post by starburst604 on Aug 24, 2014 16:58:54 GMT -5
If a friend doesn't see eye to eye with me about fitness, we just discuss other things. I can't imagine only having friends who want to talk about how heavy they dead lifted or how far or fast they ran. Boring.
Post by lasagnasshole on Aug 24, 2014 17:08:09 GMT -5
As someone who has struggled with motivation at various periods, not to mention injuries (as opposed to "injuries"), I really hope my friends aren't complaining about me on message boards when I fall off the wagon.
Post by billysgirl07 on Aug 24, 2014 17:13:17 GMT -5
Thanks for giving me perspective everyone about how I came across in my post. I didn't mean to come across judgey but that is absolutely how it sounds. Leads me to re-think how I come across. I am sorry if I offended anyone here, that was not my intention.
This board is awesome at giving encouragement. I've been a super whiney since having my baby - but this board kept encouraging me, not saying they couldn't tolerate me LOL. Haha imagine if this board was like "sorry you're having a hard time Lauren, but we can't tolerate you".
Post by Wines Not Whines on Aug 24, 2014 18:59:18 GMT -5
I don't care if my friends are active. I want them to be healthy, of course. I only care that they support me, especially when I do things they don't understand, like not staying out late the night before races or long runs.
I don't care if my friends are active. I want them to be healthy, of course. I only care that they support me, especially when I do things they don't understand, like not staying out late the night before races or long runs.
I have lost many a friend this way in the past couple of years with my shift in lifestyle. Many are not supportive and at best offer half-jesting statements questioning my sanity. They don't know how to encourage, especially when things get tough (read: like NOW in marathon training). Meanwhile I cheerlead when they have career breakthroughs, like way too many spawn pictures on Facebook, and am always there for them no matter what. However apparently that's not enough when I'm not "friend" enough to stay out at the bar until 1am before a 20 mile run.
Yeah, these days I try not to talk about the details with non-runner friends unless they ask. It's probably not very interesting to them, and I don't want to get into a discussion about my priorities.
Post by autumnfire on Aug 24, 2014 20:44:38 GMT -5
I'm sorry that this has been difficult on your friend. Perhaps offer her support? let her know if she needs anything you'll be there for her. Chances are she bit of WAY more then she can chew. She burnt out and likely overwhelmed herself. I attribute my success this time around to the advice I've gotten here. Start off slow. Make one change at a time and don't try to take on too much. It's been so much easier just having one focus and making that my goal.
So perhaps she needs a gentle nudge. A supportive friend who can let her know that hey tomorrow is a new day, why don't you scale back your efforts and build slower? That was honestly the BEST advice I had gotten. First was healthy eating (starting with my water consumption, then it just naturally morphed as I felt I had one under control).
Being healthier especially when you're habit is to eat unhealthy and live a relatively sedentary life is hard to turn around from. Habits aren't broken in a couple weeks especially something you've maybe taken years to get used to. I hope with time your friend can find her way back to the motivation that made her so committed for 2 weeks.
I have to applaud her. She at least tried. That has merit on it's own.
I don't care if my friends are active. I want them to be healthy, of course. I only care that they support me, especially when I do things they don't understand, like not staying out late the night before races or long runs.
I have lost many a friend this way in the past couple of years with my shift in lifestyle. Many are not supportive and at best offer half-jesting statements questioning my sanity. They don't know how to encourage, especially when things get tough (read: like NOW in marathon training). Meanwhile I cheerlead when they have career breakthroughs, like way too many spawn pictures on Facebook, and am always there for them no matter what. However apparently that's not enough when I'm not "friend" enough to stay out at the bar until 1am before a 20 mile run.
I feel like this is a lot of what the OP was trying to say. It can be frustrating when you encourage other people 24-7 in all other aspects of their life, you love it when they try to do healthy H&F things for themselves. However, it can get discouraging when they give up easily and then go back to half-jesting about your sanity.
I consider "anti h&f" people to be those who make fun of you for working out or eating well. Not someone who falls off the wagon of their own exercise program. OP, you are getting a major side eye from me. I've started and failed about a million diets and exercise programs. Including c25k. Glad my friends aren't like you!
I agree with this. I have a hard time with people who berate me for working out. I also roll my eyes at people who say "Must be nice" and imply I am in shape at the sacrifice of time with my children (mommy martyrs whop say things like, "I put my children first and myself last, I would NEVER abandon them at the gym daycare JUST so I can be skinny, HOW VAIN").
As for the OP, I can relate insomuch that I have friends who start and stop because of various injuries/ailments and are reluctant to get treatment, see Drs, have a gait analysis or try alternative methods of fixing it. I don't get annoyed because I feel like the reluctance to start up again probably has a lot more to do with the physical injury and there are other issues at play (going from sedentary to active is as mental as it is physical). It is frustrating though because I know people will eventually feel better overall, once they get into a program. But that's not my place to press the issue.
I have one friend that keeps saying, "Running is hard on the knees." Mainly because she doesn't make it a priority to work out, and doesn't understand those that do. Those are the type of people I get annoyed with.
I have one friend that keeps saying, "Running is hard on the knees." Mainly because she doesn't make it a priority to work out, and doesn't understand those that do. Those are the type of people I get annoyed with.
This, and things like "I don't lift weights because I don't want to get bulky"
Post by Wines Not Whines on Aug 26, 2014 8:00:03 GMT -5
Like gummybear, I do get angry at the people who downplay or belittle how much hard work I've put in to get where I am right now. It's frustrating and, I feel, kind of disrespectful. Like the "must be nice" comments.
I have one friend that keeps saying, "Running is hard on the knees." Mainly because she doesn't make it a priority to work out, and doesn't understand those that do. Those are the type of people I get annoyed with.
Question though: how is saying "Running is hard on my knees" mean she doesn't make working out a priority? I'm not sure where the annoyance is for that specific excuse? For DH running is actually hard on his knees due to arthritis. Running is also hard on my knees due to my floating knee caps and ongoing knee problems since I was young in sports. Never stopped me but it wasn't pleasant and something that sometimes you just can't push through. Once I found the elliptical I was in love, I found swimming to also be amazing. Perhaps for some people these injuries are real and they just need to find a lower impact exercise to help them keep up with their workouts while catering to their injury. I'm not omitting the fact that sometimes people will just make up whatever excuse to make them feel better about their lack of exercise. But for some when that is said it's actually true.
I have one friend that keeps saying, "Running is hard on the knees." Mainly because she doesn't make it a priority to work out, and doesn't understand those that do. Those are the type of people I get annoyed with.
Question though: how is saying "Running is hard on my knees" mean she doesn't make working out a priority?
Yes. Unequivocally yes, because she usually follows up with, "I don't have time to work out."
She's the type that uses "facts" to offset why she isn't doing something, then gets upset when someone points out that she's wrong, and the data doesn't support her assertions. She's not making that statement for herself, she's saying that running is hard for *everyone's* knees, and therefore you shouldn't do it. She's making herself feel better by imagining that everyone else are ruining their knees.
Question though: how is saying "Running is hard on my knees" mean she doesn't make working out a priority?
Yes. Unequivocally yes, because she usually follows up with, "I don't have time to work out."
She's the type that uses "facts" to offset why she isn't doing something, then gets upset when someone points out that she's wrong, and the data doesn't support her assertions. She's not making that statement for herself, she's saying that running is hard for *everyone's* knees, and therefore you shouldn't do it. She's making herself feel better by imagining that everyone else are ruining their knees.
Oh.. yeah that's different. You make time to have time, DH and I are doing beachbody when DD goes to bed. While it'd be nice to relax while she's sleeping there's our window and we need to choose exercise over relaxing.
I take it she's rather exhausting to talk to overall, especially with misinformation. Thank you for the explanation. I was truly wondering why and didn't mean to come off so strong in my initial response.
I have one friend that keeps saying, "Running is hard on the knees." Mainly because she doesn't make it a priority to work out, and doesn't understand those that do. Those are the type of people I get annoyed with.
I agree with Pixy. I don't really care if my friends are h&f. It'd be cooler if they were because id have a friend to work out with but my Friends don't make it a priority. I hear a lot of excuses. I try to be encouraging but I've heard so mAny times comments like, you don't understand, you're skinny. Ummmm hello, I have 2 young kids and I have to balance my time too. I make it a priority and sacrifice to stay in shape.
I don't care if my friends are active. I want them to be healthy, of course. I only care that they support me, especially when I do things they don't understand, like not staying out late the night before races or long runs.
I have lost many a friend this way in the past couple of years with my shift in lifestyle. Many are not supportive and at best offer half-jesting statements questioning my sanity. They don't know how to encourage, especially when things get tough (read: like NOW in marathon training). Meanwhile I cheerlead when they have career breakthroughs, like way too many spawn pictures on Facebook, and am always there for them no matter what. However apparently that's not enough when I'm not "friend" enough to stay out at the bar until 1am before a 20 mile run.
I sure feel this one.
In general, I don't care too much if my friends work out. I have friends who do (through my tri club, from college swimming, who took their own path to working out). I have friends who don't. It's cool. There are only two things I'm not cool with on this spectrum:
1. Friends ("Friends") who denigrate or belittle my efforts, and 2. Friends who complain about the shape they're in, over a consistent period of time, who do nothing to change it.
Other than that? Live and let live. Even I don't want to talk running splits all the time.
I've got a long time friend who keeps telling me I'll get shin splints with all this running. I haven't. I couldn't give a monkeys that she's not into fitness, but wish she would stop putting my efforts down / telling me that it's not good for me. It's my choice and it makes me feel good. I haven't told her that having kids will give her sleepless nights and whatever else happens when you have kids. I try not to mention fitness stuff with people who are not into it. All I ever get is 'what a crap way to spend a Saturday morning' or that I'm crazy. I love the Cheshire roads when it's sunrise and the air is fresh and there are no cars about. It's a magical time of day for me.
In general, I don't care too much if my friends work out. I have friends who do (through my tri club, from college swimming, who took their own path to working out). I have friends who don't. It's cool. There are only two things I'm not cool with on this spectrum:
1. Friends ("Friends") who denigrate or belittle my efforts, and 2. Friends who complain about the shape they're in, over a consistent period of time, who do nothing to change it.
Other than that? Live and let live. Even I don't want to talk running splits all the time.
All the feels.
It's like, I get it, everyone is busy and stressed and whatever in their own regard. But I feel like I push my "every day" stresses and shortcomings to the back of my skull and work it out myself, because that's how I roll. There are friends (not even should be "friends", like my BFF of 22 years) that have no concept of pushing yourself and not being on your A game if it's not something they're actively doing, kwim? Like, I get it, you chased around a vomiting toddler all day and did dishes and are anticipating 4 hours of sleep tonight. You do you. But when I do me, and then say I'm exhausted or cranky or sore, and am looking for a little wind to put back in my sails, do NOT for the love of God either ignore the fact that I'm down or tell me, oh and this one reaaaallllly gets to me, that it's MY FAULT that I feel this way and I should just stop. I do NOT want to go there and tell you that your spawn was also "your fault", and ignore you when you get defensive that you don't get enough attention or medals for being a mommy.
Okay, rant over.
I struggle with this as well. Many of my non-H&F friends complain about their lack of time, etc. etc. and that "it must be nice to have the time" to get in shape, run races, workout, cook nice meals, etc. etc. and for the most part I let it roll off but sometimes it still gets to me and I want to just scream. That's why I love this board- it's nice to have people that get it, regardless of where someone is in their journey toward health.
It's like, I get it, everyone is busy and stressed and whatever in their own regard. But I feel like I push my "every day" stresses and shortcomings to the back of my skull and work it out myself, because that's how I roll. There are friends (not even should be "friends", like my BFF of 22 years) that have no concept of pushing yourself and not being on your A game if it's not something they're actively doing, kwim? Like, I get it, you chased around a vomiting toddler all day and did dishes and are anticipating 4 hours of sleep tonight. You do you. But when I do me, and then say I'm exhausted or cranky or sore, and am looking for a little wind to put back in my sails, do NOT for the love of God either ignore the fact that I'm down or tell me, oh and this one reaaaallllly gets to me, that it's MY FAULT that I feel this way and I should just stop. I do NOT want to go there and tell you that your spawn was also "your fault", and ignore you when you get defensive that you don't get enough attention or medals for being a mommy.
Okay, rant over.
I struggle with this as well. Many of my non-H&F friends complain about their lack of time, etc. etc. and that "it must be nice to have the time" to get in shape, run races, workout, cook nice meals, etc. etc. and for the most part I let it roll off but sometimes it still gets to me and I want to just scream. That's why I love this board- it's nice to have people that get it, regardless of where someone is in their journey toward health.
I get where you and @vtcupcake are coming from, truly I do. It sucks when friends are not supportive of what's important to you. I think it's unfortunately expected that you'll lose friends when you take a different tack in your life. When I became a parent I immediately lost touch with plenty of people because I couldn't stay out late (or go out at all really). And I accepted that as part of the deal - and none of my non-parent friends could ever really support me in a way I needed when I was in some dark parenting places. I expect the same from non h&f friends when I need some fitness encouragement.
But I've also been on the other side. And (although this may not be the case for your specific friends) it is kind of a luxury to have the ability to make time to pursue fitness goals and it really is a luxury to get to choose which foods I want to eat and which foods I do not want to eat. Two years ago there was no way it would have worked in my life - we were struggling to tread water and barely keeping from unraveling. And when we were in the really really dark places we went through with our kids and some hard medical diagnoses, to be honest - friends that were doing the fitness thing really did look quite luxurious. I would have never said anything to them, and saying things like 'it must be nice...' is crappy. But in my heart, I was very envious that they had the capacity to take time for themselves. Not that I didn't appreciate that they had their own struggles - I know they did. But I was envious that they had navigated through some of it to the point that they actually could carve out the time. does that make sense?
Right now our lives look really different and we are starting to have a grip on some issues that took a long time to figure out and I'm taking advantage of that and reprioritizing myself. But I'm cognizant that we are lucky to have the the ability to do that now, and I do understand that for some people in lots of different situations, it really just is not realistic. You never know what burdens people are dealing with - although it sucks to feel judged and take the negativity that people project.
@vtcupcake it's heartbreaking when it seems like friendships might be dying. 22 years is a long time, and I hope you can reconnect with your friend. Also, I found it quite infuriating when people who had no clue what the stress of that was like assumed that being a grad student meant I didn't have to deal with 'real world' stress. I'm sure you know you know the sentences that started with 'well when you get to the real world...'
Anyway, I hope I didn't offend. It sucks when friends don't support each other and it seems like you are not getting support from people who should be better friends than that. I just wanted to put it out there that I've been in the place where I couldn't help but feel jealous of other people's fitness journey when it just wasn't the time for me. I don't think I ever would belittle any of my friends and I hope they feel like I supported them as much as I could though.
I understand burdens and struggle. I am one of the last people on earth that needs an explanation of that. But at the same time I like to think that friends, not just randos or casual acquaintances are people that you can trust with anything and share the loads of those burdens and struggles with, because you would absolutely do the same for them.
I cannot tell you how many times in the past 8 months my best friend has shut me down because I "don't know what it's like to be a mother". To which I finally unclenched my teeth from my tongue and told her "you're right, I don't, but I'd like to think that after being your best friend for 22 years that I know YOU, and want to be there to support you in any way I can". Apparently not being a mother, in her eyes now, means that my feelings about general work and PhD stress, dealing with family issues of my own, freaking out about future and finances, etc are completely invalid. Especially since I use running and exercise as my biggest form of self-care. Apparently telling her about my GI problems (she's an RN) while training made me selfish because "at least I HAD time to do things for myself". Well, I don't, I make time to run. But I prioritize how I can, work with DH as a team after I realized that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of the people I love. So fuck me if that makes me a horrible selfish ignorant person.
I guess with my BFF this sentiment is the most magnified because we've been so close for so long, and now it's a dropoff because she has ceased to try to connect with me because I apparently don't live in the same world as her anymore (FTR, we live 700 miles apart and I don't ask her to go out to the bars late at night). But it's also like this with other friends and "friends", who do and don't have kids, that see my prioritizing my health and sanity as selfish and disassociate from me, because our lifestyles have become so horrendously incongruent. They cannot bend and try to understand, even though I am willing and also do go out of my way to be the best friend I can to them.
Women who become mothers and then belittle women who aren't mothers are total d!cks. I have friends who do and don't have kids, and I'm thankful there are no "mommy martyrs" in my circle of friends. Yes, it's often harder to find "free time" when you have young kids. But there are plenty of women on this board who have young kids, work FT, and still take care of themselves.
Most people I know have a little bit of free time to pursue activities they enjoy, everything from sewing/knitting, doing other artsy things, reading, going to the movies, or even just vegging in front of the TV every night (nothing wrong with that; I enjoy it myself). I don't really have time for those things, because I choose to go to bed early and get up at dark o' thirty to work out. But I don't whine and complain and say "must be nice!" when a friend shows me her latest art project. Different people have different priorities. It's ok to admit that exercise is not a priority for you, if it's not. Man up and shut up, etc. etc.
Posts like this are why people suggested a weight loss board separate from H&F.
And posts like this are why people that are flybys should actually spend some time reading about all of the encouragement with the successes and struggles that we all face here. This thread included.
Look, I'm new to the board, yes. But I've been lurking and posting some. There are plenty of supportive people. But someone like me, that truly doesn't want people to see me run and doesn't have a ton of cash lying around for expensive gyms, get really discouraged by posts like this no matter how infrequent they are.