SwimDeep, please do not feel like we are all ganging up on you. We care about you.
I don't feel like y'all are ganging up on me at all...I've just switched from rage to sadness. I'm sad that H and I are still having fights like this even though we're sober. I thought ditching the alcohol would fix us.
Post by cuddlyevil on Aug 26, 2014 12:24:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry SwimDeep I kind of wonder if maybe you guys blamed the booze because it was easier than dealing with the real issues. As long as you both are working to fixing yourselves and your relationship now. (ftr stbx and I did this too, except it wasn't alcohol it was money/stress).
I'm glad you're seeing his comments for what they really are. He is putting the focus on you and criticizing you rather than looking at himself. That isn't fair.
SwimDeep, please do not feel like we are all ganging up on you. We care about you.
I don't feel like y'all are ganging up on me at all...I've just switched from rage to sadness. I'm sad that H and I are still having fights like this even though we're sober. I thought ditching the alcohol would fix us.
It sounds like you and he have this tangled web of who should be guilty for what and one person feeling one way but another person taking on those feelings as well, and who did what previously but putting it on yourself... it sounds complicated and stressful.
But it doesn't have to be.
I know you love him and you feel guilty for enabling or not owning your own part of this stuff in the past... but him treating you this way in the present is something you can control. You don't have to purposefully martyr yourself because he used to drink and you drank with him. You don't have to stress yourself out because he now likes to take control in ways that he has no right to be. You don't have to take shit because you had a fight last night or something, and only 5% of it was on you and 95% his own issues.
He is not putting stock and effort in the marriage the way you are.
You are worth so much more than what you are getting right now.
I AM EATING THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CAKE EVER because our buyer finally realized if she wasn't AGREEABLE to someTHING we could walk away and leave her homeless.
I AM EATING THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CAKE EVER because our buyer finally realized if she wasn't AGREEABLE to someTHING we could walk away and leave her homeless.
Hooray! How many days until closing?
A week from Friday - 10 days from tomorrow. This has been so stressful dealing with this buyer.
A week from Friday - 10 days from tomorrow. This has been so stressful dealing with this buyer.
So this will be your last weekend in the house? Yes!
And buying/selling/moving is super stressful. There's a reason that + relationship issues is enough to make people fall apart. But your buyer seems especially terrible.
Technically, I am moving this weekend. I think I will be moving on Saturday so I can give Buddy some time to get adjusted at my friend's place before I have to leave him for days when I go back to work. Most of my stuff is moved out save for the bed and a couch/tv and I'll get that out this weekend and wipe/clean the place. I wanted to be out in order to give Buddy time, but we also made an agreement we would clean the carpets and wanted Buddy to be out before that was done too.
SwimDeep I think you know my thoughts on YH. I want to say that I'm so impressed with how you're taking all the feedback here and worth your growth even from a few months ago.
SwimDeep, would he be coaching debate by any chance? If you don't want to say pm me. (I might be totally off base but maybe not...)
He would be coaching sports (I'll keep it vague, but I've put so much identifying info out here now I'm not sure why...). He'd be good at debate too, though.
It sounds like you and he have this tangled web of who should be guilty for what and one person feeling one way but another person taking on those feelings as well, and who did what previously but putting it on yourself... it sounds complicated and stressful.
But it doesn't have to be.
I know you love him and you feel guilty for enabling or not owning your own part of this stuff in the past... but him treating you this way in the present is something you can control. You don't have to purposefully martyr yourself because he used to drink and you drank with him. You don't have to stress yourself out because he now likes to take control in ways that he has no right to be. You don't have to take shit because you had a fight last night or something, and only 5% of it was on you and 95% his own issues.
He is not putting stock and effort in the marriage the way you are.
You are worth so much more than what you are getting right now.
It is complicated and stressful. I don't want him to feel guilty for anything. I feel like I'm very careful not to judge, but he feels the need to assign blame and point fingers and therefore assumes that I'm doing the same thing.
I'm trying to give both of us time to disentangle ourselves from this emotional mess so that we can see things clearly. I've gotten better at calling him out on his controlling behavior, and I've gotten better at recognizing (and respecting) my own boundaries.
...it feels a lot like I'm trying to pull myself out of quicksand sometimes...
mags - I am in counseling, going twice a month right now. I've asked H to come with me multiple times. He's still of the opinion that it's better we work on ourselves separately before coming together in marriage counseling.
I wanted to give an update...We were able to talk much more calmly after he got back from his meeting. (I'm really, really grateful that he has a good, level-headed sponsor.) He also spent some time talking to his mom (who is a wonderful lady, she also calmed him down).
He has backed off his insistence to make up the difference. He still wants to go over what money is going where, but agrees that we don't have to do that today. He's got a very good job prospect that he's working on applying for this afternoon. The more we talked about money, the more stressed out he got about not having a job. He's truly regretful for all the time/money he wasted on alcohol.
I brought up creating a joint account but also keeping our personal accounts separate. He wants to combine all accounts so that we have just one. We agreed to think about it and talk about it later.
I am hoping with all the hope I have left that he gets this job.
I am journaling all of this to make sure I don't forget it. Thank you again for validation, advice, and support!
SwimDeep, I am concerned about you and your well being.
Is it the way I'm writing? Or the things I'm writing about? I don't mean to worry anyone
I think that your situation with your husband is really affecting your health and well being. I know you are trying not to make excuses for him and his behavior, but you really are when it's all said and done. You are talking yourself in circles about how you are to blame as much as he is and are being SO hard on yourself. What have you done wrong here? Nothing. I am worried you are letting his behavior and treatment towards yourself alter your perception of who you are. I think perhaps you should seek therapy at a minimum once a week. Especially if you are considering doing something that could hurt yourself.
doglove, you're in the home stretch now. You've got this.
SwimDeep, take care of yourself. Trust your instincts when they tell you to protect yourself and your financial interests. You have been working so hard to improve your situation- therapy, going to school, abstaining. You should be very proud of your efforts. I hope you are able to use all that you are learning to make yourself truly happy.
Is it the way I'm writing? Or the things I'm writing about? I don't mean to worry anyone
I think that your situation with your husband is really affecting your health and well being. I know you are trying not to make excuses for him and his behavior, but you really are when it's all said and done. You are talking yourself in circles about how you are to blame as much as he is and are being SO hard on yourself. What have you done wrong here? Nothing. I am worried you are letting his behavior and treatment towards yourself alter your perception of who you are. I think perhaps you should seek therapy at a minimum once a week. Especially if you are considering doing something that could hurt yourself.
I truly appreciate you saying this. I think you're right, and I am trying to do something about it. It's taking a while to sink in. I've learned so much since I started participating. Thank you
SwimDeep have you considered reading Codependent No More? The more I read about your situation, the more I think it might be helpful. It sounds like you're used to covering for him and caretaking him and you need to be taking care of yourself now. You can't protect him from guilt or other feelings, just like no one can protect you from yours.
SwimDeep have you considered reading Codependent No More? The more I read about your situation, the more I think it might be helpful. It sounds like you're used to covering for him and caretaking him and you need to be taking care of yourself now. You can't protect him from guilt or other feelings, just like no one can protect you from yours.
SwimDeep have you considered reading Codependent No More? The more I read about your situation, the more I think it might be helpful. It sounds like you're used to covering for him and caretaking him and you need to be taking care of yourself now. You can't protect him from guilt or other feelings, just like no one can protect you from yours.
It is on my list to read! (I have a hold request on it at my local library, but I'm like seventh in line.) I've been reading a lot about codependency and the more I understand it, the more I realize just how codependent I am. I picked up A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, and I read the "Step One for Coaddicts" chapter...It hits so close to home. I haven't even been able to answer all of the questions because I can't fully face it yet. I'm planning to take some time just for me around mid-September (before Fall Quarter starts), and really tackle this book as well as Codependent No More. And I'm making a list of other things I can do to take care of myself. I love to write, and I love to craft (crochet and paper crafts). So I'm going to start making time to do that too. Thanks
ETA: Removed the pic I tried to include - first time I ever tried to post an image that didn't work!
SwimDeep you're welcome! I hope those help. It makes sense that you need to set time aside to read those. Also, don't push yourself to do too much at once and please talk with your therapist because you may find you need extra support during that time.