How do you move on?

[oliviapope]

My sis in law is for sure in BEC territory for me. Recently she made a kind and supportive comment related to a family members life event, and I rolled my eyes so hard and immediately went negative. Literally anything she says drives me up a wall.

With our history(long) we will never be close-but are there any tricks to help me not be so cranky towards her? Advice? I KNOW this is my issue. I can move on with others, but I can't with her for some reason (maybe because I know too much).

[wanderlustmom]

I have had this too with people and the only things that work are empathy and also remembering that when I think unkindly or speak unkindly (and I'm not innocent in this, not trying to sound virtuous) it's like I give them a poison apple and take a bite myself.

[oliviapope]

I don't say anything at all. In fact she doesn't even talk to me if we are in the same location (and never has since she started dating my brother) which doesn't help the issue. She only communicates with me through my brother or my mom. I just want to not get annoyed with her, but I can't seem to let it go for some reason.

[oliviapope]

Aug 26, 2014 20:43:44 GMT -5 wanderlustmom said:

I have had this too with people and the only things that work are empathy and also remembering that when I think unkindly or speak unkindly (and I'm not innocent in this, not trying to sound virtuous) it's like I give them a poison apple and take a bite myself.

Thanks. This is good advice. Replacing a negative thought with a positive one. I will work on this.

[greycat]

I had a pretty tenuous relationship with my MIL (she was a beast when I was engaged to MH and when we got married). Our relationship is pretty good now. I started keeping our conversations on neutral topics and positive things. I focus on things we have in common and things we see eye to eye on. I'm also quick to limit time if it gets to be too much. I find it much easier to give her the benefit of the doubt now and I find myself doing nice things for her from time to time. I think she recognized my changes and has made an effort as well. We will never be super close (we are very different people) but I feel like we have a good relationship.

[Deleted]

My SIL was obnoxious and we clashed often.

Then she died suddenly one night when I was 9 months pregnant.

So...perspective? Sorry I'm always a Debbie Downer on these posts but I wish she were around to be another parent I could bitch about my MIL to and trade kid watching duties at holidays.

[hillarywhitney]

I bitch about the person to someone else. I know, not the most mature way to handle a situation. But it helps me to get it out.

And similar to what wanderlustmom said, I remind myself that holding onto the anger/resentment/irritation etc. has a negative impact on me and my well being, and I try to just let it go.

[adeliepenguin]

This is not quite the same thing, but I struggle with something similar with my ILs. I try really hard not to give them more "power" than they already have. For instance, I can't help it if they are nutty/mean/whatever when we are together, but when I spend hours agonizing over it afterwards and then reliving it before I see them again - that's on me. So basically, I try to just interact minimally with them, then leave it there. So, deal with what they say in the moment, then leave it behind. I am also practicing just smiling and nodding.

I am not good at doing this, but I am working on it.

[oliviapope]

Aug 26, 2014 20:59:11 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

My SIL was obnoxious and we clashed often.

Then she died suddenly one night when I was 9 months pregnant.

So...perspective? Sorry I'm always a Debbie Downer on these posts but I wish she were around to be another parent I could bitch about my MIL to and trade kid watching duties at holidays.

[br

I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for the perspective.

[redheadk]

Fake it 'til you feel it?

[oliviapope]

Aug 26, 2014 21:11:49 GMT -5 adeliepenguin said:

This is not quite the same thing, but I struggle with something similar with my ILs. I try really hard not to give them more "power" than they already have. For instance, I can't help it if they are nutty/mean/whatever when we are together, but when I spend hours agonizing over it afterwards and then reliving it before I see them again - that's on me. So basically, I try to just interact minimally with them, then leave it there. So, deal with what they say in the moment, then leave it behind. I am also practicing just smiling and nodding.

I am not good at doing this, but I am working on it.

I like this approach. I probably just need to block her on social media.

[havarti]

I get negative feelings out through exercise. Also, I agree with pp about giving basically good people the benefit of the doubt.

[bunnymendelbaum]

Have you ever tried writing her a big long email explaining every frustration/issue/gripe and then just not sending it?
Repeat as needed?
That helps me sometimes.

[stealthmom]

Usually when a person bugs me THAT much it has more to do with me than them. Like, they remind me of a bully from childhood, they remind me of myself and the LAST thing I want to be is like them . . . something.

So I guess try and examine if this is about something deeper?  Good luck.  Easier said than done, I know.

[curbsideprophet]

I think you need to forgive her for past actions. Then I think you need to decide if you want to reconcile the relationship. You may not and that is okay.

I would try not to read too much into anything she says. Try to think how you would feel if someone else said the same thing and then give her the benefit of the doubt.

[potatopie]

For me, pity is a big key. I think about why a person acts as they do (like a critical mother or MIL) and think that they are only acting in that way because of some insecurity or some need of theirs. It helps to cool the knee-jerk annoyance/rage that comes with that kind of relationship. In my mind, I'm superior to them (which isn't the best way to think, but it works!) so I can more easily be gentle and nice to them.

[ssmjlm]

My SIL is a c u next tuesday and everyone except BIL hates her. She has done some horrible and unforgivable things to my BIL and his kids that make me wish everyday he will leave her. But he's pussy whipped and they're broke.

So it depends what you want. Now that E is here we have to protect her, so we basically have no relationship with them. I've tried to ban them from our house, but we host all the holidays bc my ILs suck.

[Deleted]

Aug 26, 2014 22:07:41 GMT -5 redheadk said:

Fake it 'til you feel it?

I am totally here. 
I have a SIL that has been in BEC territory for 8 years. 
She used to upset me like crazy. 
My inlaws are also great people but they live in my backyard and we work together...so while they're awesome it gets nitpicky and sensitive fast. 

With SIL, I just fake it until I make it, like redhead said. Small talk on things she likes, pretend to be distracedt by the kids when she's annoying. She went through some awful stuff and since then while I will never really like her, I can respect her. 
I just leave it at that. 

With the inlaws, I respond to a lot of comments with "Oh. I see?" when they're on my last nerve. Then I walk away. Think about if they really mean harm (they don't) then have some wine. 

Basically, I've learned not to dwell on it for even 10 seconds after.

[Deleted]

If she won't actually talk to you, I'm not really sure why you need to have a relationship with her?

You just have to make yourself not care. If it's FB comments, either block her or hide the post or skip her comment. I can get irritated about what people say, so certain topics or posts, I just hide. I feel a lot better since starting to do that.

[Deleted]

Well, I vent on Internet message boards. That helps.

I just limit our interactions and only speak about neutral topics. I've also gotten better about standing up for what I think instead of silently stewing, so I carry less rage baggage after my ILs leave.

[oliviapope]

The thing is that she isn't mean to my face. She just literally doesn't talk, or answers one word or sentence. She has been like this since they first started dating. Apparently she is "intimidated" by me. She also has no other close female relationships and hangs on my brother. I lost all interest in really having a relationship with her when she "demanded" a certain diamond size and my parents paid for it because my brother was in school with no money (I am annoyed at everyone in this situation).

She is one of those who says nothing up front but then fills his ear behind the scenes and turns everything into drama. For example, a year ago they had a baby. Another family member asked me if she was breastfeeding (because she had tons of nursing tanks and supplies to pass on). I sent my brother a text asking "is SIL breastfeeding?" (Literally all the text said) I got back a huge angry lecture on how I was judging them and studies have shown xxx about formula etc etc. when I told my brother "hold up- family member was asking" they both accused me of lying and trying to tell them how to parent. He said they know better because she has more education etc (she has a masters in counseling). Now I have nursed all my kids, but they all got formula at some point too-I was in no way judging.

This is just an example of the behavior (but it comes across in pretty much everything). I just completely quit engaging in any conversation-but I am trying to get over rolling my eyes so hard any time I see her. She obviously has insecurity issues, but I just want to feel "meh" about her instead of annoyed. I also find I am finding myself not as interested in bonding with my nephew because I have to deal with them and this makes me sad. So I am trying to get over it.