SurvivingInfidelity.com

[bbaggins]

Seems to me it'd be easier in the time of heart break to be angry at the woman instead of the man you took vows with. I've browsed that board as well "for kicks" and it was pretty sad. The prison forums can be more "entertaining" if you will.

[cinnamoncox]

I see what you're saying but I do think jenny also has a point.
I mean, my bil cheated/s left and right and when sil finds out it's always like some young unsuspecting woman who thought he was single without kids.
He doesn't go around telling these women he is married with children so when sil confronts them they're all omg I'm so sorry.

So maybe some of the other women don't even know there's a wife and family.

Plus idk, I would probably call the "other woman" something because I would be feeling all kinds of ways.

[gozf]

Yeah, I'm with you on this.

I understand being hurt and furious with both parties. But you're right, I think that such venom at the other woman -- who never made a promise, who didn't necessarily break a vow -- is misdirected. I guess it's easier to direct your rage at the other party; it's easier to focus hatred on the person you don't know as opposed to the person who is supposed to love you.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

As someone who's former spouse cheated I think that it is easier to focus your rage on someone who has no meaning to you. I loved my EXH, and even though I felt like he did the unthinkable to me it was still hard to hate him, while I could easily hate her.

[bbaggins]

I put entertaining in quotes because it's terribly interesting and intriguing to me. *shrugs*

[nadasteph]

I think there is still an underlying mentality of men being weak sexual creatures who are lured into situations by women.

[sofamonkey]

Yeah, I mean the woman could have been told ANYTHING by the guy. It is way easier to be mad at the whore!! Rage!! SPITTLE!! But, who the fuck knows. Spread the anger around to both parties & call it a compromise.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

I will say that I kept my hatred for her inside. I didn't confront and I didn't broadcast anything and trust me my EXH felt my wrath as well.

[jlt19]

It's much easier to blame someone that you don't know than someone you've loved and has loved you.

[sofamonkey]

Aug 27, 2014 9:51:49 GMT -5 nadasteph said:

I think there is still an underlying mentality of men being weak sexual creatures who are lured into situations by women.

Well, boobs ARE stunning.  Have you ever just watched them bounce.  You can't help it.  And I don't even like boobs like that.  Poor, helpless men & their trespassing dicks.

[bcv513]

I think it's kinda gross to browse a forum like that for kicks. I can't imagine what it's like to go through infidelity, and I think it's great that there's a place out there to get support.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

Also, I think there is a huge difference between hate/rage and hurt. I hated her, and now I'm indifferent about her. I don't necessarily wish her well, but I also don't hope that she dies in a fire. Him, I was so deeply and profoundly heartbroken that there wasn't any room in my mind and heart for hate towards him. Of course I was angry at him, but mostly just so sad.

[nadasteph]

Aug 27, 2014 9:54:50 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Aug 27, 2014 9:51:49 GMT -5 nadasteph said:

I think there is still an underlying mentality of men being weak sexual creatures who are lured into situations by women.

Well, boobs ARE stunning.  Have you ever just watched them bounce.  You can't help it.  And I don't even like boobs like that.  Poor, helpless men & their trespassing dicks.

Lol.  I would rather watch boobs Baywatch style than a naked dude running.  Fwap fwap.

[cville]

If only that whore Eve hadn't eaten the apple we'd all be lolling about in the Garden of Eden and we wouldn't have these problems.

Bitch.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

There was one that I felt sorry for because she was young and had no idea xH was married and was super-apologetic when she found out.

The other one I genuinely hated for a long time because she was also married, to a pastor no less, and knew that xH was married to me.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

Aug 27, 2014 10:04:34 GMT -5 cville said:

If only that whore Eve hadn't eaten the apple we'd all be lolling about in the Garden of Eden and we wouldn't have these problems.

Bitch.

And babies would just shoot out of our vaginas without any worries about all that labor business. Or period cramps.

[pearl]

I think it's more complicated than that.

I think outwardly it may look like more of the rage is directed towards the OW, but that board is a collection of lost souls, really.

They are there during a time their world has been shattered. There is lots of confusion and wildly swinging feelings to deal with.

The "whore" thing-

For various reasons they may try to move past unleashing that kind of visible rage on their partner, but that doesn't mean they don't pay in other ways besides name calling.

And sometimes the other woman IS just a whore. Even if their spouse is, too.

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2014 9:40:57 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

So I had heard about this website a while back from somebody I knew who was going through a breakup over cheating and have heard about it a few times since then, and I couldn't sleep at 2am yesterday and so I went online to check it out.  I browsed in the forums about just finding out and the one specifically for wayward spouses and it was all kind of interesting to see the community that's been built there.  However, one thing that struck me was the use of the word "whore" repeatedly by women who were the cheatee.  I'm not so much talking about the just found outs, but even the people who are months or years removed from the affair were still referring to the other woman as "whore".

Anyways.  It really, I dunno....struck me wrong?  Like....okay, what the woman did was totally wrong but she wasn't the one who made vows to you, you know?  And there was one thread that a billion people liked about how the other woman in an affair is the weakest of the pack and trash and I was like, dude.   And I didn't see that coming much from the men who were cheatees....like, they called the other dude an asshole or whatever but still seemed to focus most of their anger at their wives.  I dunno.  I guess it bothered me how it seemed like no matter who was cheated on, it was the women cheaters/other woman who were the focus of most of the name calling/rage.  That bothered me.  Not that I think the other women/women cheaters were like, in the clear or anything.  Just that SO MUCH of the anger seemed to be directed at the women in the situations instead of the men.

It is a safer choice to rail against the other woman, calling her names and such, than is to accept someone you love, who professed to love you, would or could do something so awful to you.

[lilac05]

Aug 27, 2014 9:54:17 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

It's much easier to blame someone that you don't know than someone you've loved and has loved you.

I agree.  

I don't think it's an issue of who is receiving the bulk of the anger, but who is directing the anger.  Men are more likely to blame their (ex)spouse, women are more likely to blame the other person.  It's easier to try and convince yourself that your loved one was lured away and that nothing would have happened if not for HER (even if you fully acknowledge that the spouse is equally responsible).  I think men are more likely to be better at going straight to the source.  "I don't care who it was or how it happened, YOU did it.  YOU.  I hate him for being a part of this, but you are an adult and YOU chose to cheat!"

[bbaggins]

A thrill? No. A look into something I've never experienced? Sure. Entertaining was clearly not the right word, sorry for the mistype.

[4speedy]

I have a friend who was cheated on by her husband several years ago and they have since divorced. Any IRL conversation as well as her FB page is almost entirely devoted to calling the other woman a whore, bitch etc.  She reposts all day, every day, from a site called "she's a home wrecker." I think she has become obsessed. It seems to me as though she spends 90% of her waking hours figuring out ways to channel her anger at the "whore." I would never in a million years tell her what to feel, as I have never been through it. But the anger she shows toward the other woman seems to me to be getting in the way of her living her own happy life. I just can't imagine the stress it is putting on her physically to have that much rage inside her.

No point to this post other than to say how completely self-destructive it seems of women to put so much energy into hating the "cheating whore."

[bcv513]

Aug 27, 2014 10:07:03 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

Aug 27, 2014 9:57:05 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I think it's kinda gross to browse a forum like that for kicks. I can't imagine what it's like to go through infidelity, and I think it's great that there's a place out there to get support.

I wasn't browsing for kicks, but out of curiosity.  It wasn't entertaining to me.  It was interesting and eyeopening as somebody who has not experienced infidelity herself (either cheater or cheatee) and I especially thought it was really cool how they had areas for both the cheater and the cheatee to discuss their feelings/coping/anger/sadness/etc without being inundated with questions or comments from "the other side" (unless they specifically ask for it).  Everyone seemed extremely supportive, it just struck me as being super super hard on the women. 

I actually wasn't talking about you. You're Nugget, you can do no wrong in my book. Another poster said she regularly browsed there and on inmate sites "for kicks"

[jlt19]

Aug 27, 2014 10:18:43 GMT -5 4speedy said:

I have a friend who was cheated on by her husband several years ago and they have since divorced. Any ITL conversation as well as her FB page is almost entirely devoted to call the other woman a whore, bitch it. She makes reposts all day, every day, from a site called "she's a home wrecker." It think she has become obsessed. It seems to me as though she spends 90% of her waking hours figuring out ways to channel her anger at the "whore." I would never in a million years tell her what to feel, as I have never been through it. But the anger she shows toward the other woman seems to me, to be getting in the way of her living her own happy life. I just can't imagine the stress it is putting on her physically to have that much rage inside her.

No point to this post other than to say how completely self-destructive it seems of women to put so much energy into hating the "cheating whore."

You have no idea how bad it can get. Similar thing happened to MIL in 1999. Every problem she has is the whore's fault. Whore and FIL are still together, but not married. Probably b/c he knows it would give MIL a heart attack or something. She's severely depressed, hasn't worked a day in 15 years and is about to become our (3 kids/spouses) financial burden once the money from the sale of her home runs out. It's bad. And it's ALL the whore's fault.  

[Eagles]

Aug 27, 2014 9:53:36 GMT -5 @pnkbride said:

My mom went through this and it is really a blind rage. I don't think the hate and jealousy you have for the other woman negates your feelings for your husband. You are so hurt and betrayed by him. The anger at him comes later. It is a process and some just get stuck in the same spot. You go through shock, devastation, hate then acceptance. But, how long you stay in those stages depends on you. I have no idea how I would feel in this situation, but I don't blame the women for feeling as they do. Also, lots of women who date married men, DO KNOW that they are married. My dad's gf did and it did not stop her from pursuing my dad. They eventually married.

My mom went through something very similar.  God, I remember her actually calling the OW and begging her to leave him alone.  OW was married with two teenage children, as well.  They're two shitty people who deserve each other. 

[iamali]

Aug 27, 2014 10:04:34 GMT -5 cville said:

If only that whore Eve hadn't eaten the apple we'd all be lolling about in the Garden of Eden and we wouldn't have these problems.

Bitch.

THANKS OBAMA.

[Deleted]

Well, it's obviously because men are wired to be philanderers and it is up to the women of the world to band together and make sure they honor their vows. The other woman is at fault because she was taking advantage of his biological impulses.   *-)

[screwedup]

I find this (them being angry at the women) odd. My first husband cheated on me. I was not mad at the other woman. I have no idea what he told her re: our relationship. He was out of town for 4 months for work. He could have easily told her he was single and taken off his ring. He made the vow to me. I was FURIOUS with him. Once she found out that I existed, I did wonder why she would continue to want anything to do with him but part of me was "BYE FELICIA" about it too. She could have him because I was done.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

Aug 27, 2014 10:53:30 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

Well, it's obviously because men are wired to be philanderers and it is up to the women of the world to band together and make sure they honor their vows. The other woman is at fault because she was taking advantage of his biological impulses.   *-)

Your flippant eye rolling emoji is annoying. Other posters have given actual, thoughtful responses at to why the term "whore" could/has been used, myself included.  And not one has been because the "menfolk just couldn't control themselves around a pair of boobs".

[pantsoffdanceoff]

Aug 27, 2014 11:02:47 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Aug 27, 2014 11:01:27 GMT -5 pantsoffdanceoff said:

Your flippant eye rolling emoji is annoying. Other posters have given actual, thoughtful responses at to why the term "whore" could/has been used, myself included.  And not one has been because the "menfolk just couldn't control themselves around a pair of boobs".

Psst.. I think kjewell was using her sarcasm font..

Dammit!  I got heated for no reason!!

My bad @kjewell

[shopgirl07]

I agree with you Nugget. And I also really, really dislike referring to a woman as a "whore". I have been cheated on and I was just so pissed at my live in boyfriend, I didn't care a whit about the girl(s) he was cheating with.