I've been on that board, too, and have seen the whore references as well, especially in the "they always affair down" thread (I think that's the one of which you speak, Nugget).
It's totally understandable, especially because it's easier to blame the other person than blame the one who made promises, who took vows, who made that commitment to "forsake all others."
But I agree it seems as if a lot of the women on that board and in real life want to make every "other woman" a predatory bunny boiler (and trust, I know there are some of those, too) and their husbands/significant others some helpless little lamb who couldn't help but succumb to such feminine wiles when the reality is not the case.
Men want to kick the other guy's ass for sure, but they are just as angry, if not more so, at their wives.
The constant "whore" references do bug though. I mean, I never once thought of my stepmother (whom my father left my mother for)) as a whore. Yes, she's the other woman, but they've been together for over 30 years (20 years longer than he was with my mom) and she's never been nothing but nice to me. Was it right what they did? Of course not, but life is damn too short for me to continue to blame her for breaking up an already unhappy relationship.
In my case, they were whores...both him and the many women. He knew we were engaged. A few of the women knew as well. The one who didn't apologized and we both confronted the guy together. Not only did two know we were engaged but knew I was pregnant. He ended up marrying the one. Glad I dodged that bullet.
I still refer to the other woman as whore and my exh as piece of shit.
She was married also and I knew her husband. So they both destroyed 2 marriages.
But until you have been in "our" shoes...meaning the person on surviving infidelity who is trying to put their life back together after such a horrible thing, please don't judge.
I can see why they're angry and can understand why they would direct some of that anger at the other woman. It's part of the grieving process, right? Logically you'd think all the anger would be directed at the person who wronged you (the spouse), but emotionally you might be angry at a whole host of people who had nothing to do with your marriage.
My mom still calls my dad's GF The Whore. Yes, he cheated with her, but their marriage was circling the drain. This GF stuck with my dad while he was in prison for 8 years (NOT for murdering anyone!) and they are still together, 17 years later. That's as long as my parents' two marriages lasted, combined (my mom divorced and re-married my dad).
I think my mom's name-calling is her way of refusing to admit that the OW is actually a better partner for my dad. She's still pissed that she couldn't "fix" him (alcoholic/drug addict) and now this OW gets to live with my SOBER dad WAY longer than my mom ever got to. Dad and his GF are both in recovery, so they support each other way better than my mom ever could support my dad (emotionally)
Post by phdprocrastinator on Aug 27, 2014 12:13:14 GMT -5
Hmm... I thought Nugget was saying that, in general, the OW is called a whore OR if the cheater was the woman she is also a whore. While I can understand why someone would get mad at the OW or OM, I thought the question was more along the lines of: why don't men show the same vitriol for the OM that women show to the OW? If that is the case, I do think it might have something to do with underlying assumptions people have about women being "in charge" of men's impure thoughts (thinking of all the rhetoric from the fundie movement). Of course, I'd never tell someone how to grieve, but this is kind of an interesting symptom of sexism. I could see someone doing their dissertation on the ways men and women differ in their expressions of anger after cheating. They'd probably be able to publish a book off of that... (I'm only a little jealous - I'd find this research grating to conduct, but man it would be cool to have something other people wanted to read at the end of this process).
FWIW, I also went to surviving infidelity after seeing it referenced on TN I believe. Like Nugget, I was curious what would be on such a site. I actually found "the 180" to be great advice - and have suggested it for people in bad relationships whether or not there's cheating involved. Either your relationship will improve or you'll be in a much better place to end the relationship.
Post by jennistarr1 on Aug 27, 2014 12:20:06 GMT -5
for me, it comes down to if the other woman knew he was married. I feel bad for them if they didn't know, but if they did know I kind of think they are whores
Post by prettyinpearls on Aug 27, 2014 12:45:36 GMT -5
What if you know the other woman is cheaing on her fiance when she's hanging out with/partying/sleeping your husband? Is it ok to call her a whore then?
In all honesty, I was never mad at the OW for having an affair with my XH. I thought she was disgusting for ruining her relationship in addition to mine, but I never hated her for it. In fact, as I went through the grieving process, it didn't take long for me to feel nothing but pity for her for being with him. He's not the type to stay faithful, as demonstrated to me by one of his XGF's who reached out to me when we were getting divorced to say that she's STILL struggling with what he did to her (6 years later!!!!) and wanted advice as to how I was able to move on and forget him.
This summer XH and the OW were married and now are expecting twins. Best of luck to her! In all seriousness, I really think she's a nice person and she's amazing with her stepson, so that's what matters to me. I'm happily remarried and sometimes I want to thank her for helping to break up my first marriage so that I could move on and re-write my story to have a much better outcome.
I just hope it really sank in for the 20 year old, when she "apologized" to me a few weeks ago, when I said, "If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else." I meant that. She means nothing.
Yeah, I have noticed that too, in life I mean. I definitely hold the spouse with supreme responsibility, but there is something equally gross in men and women who will purposely peruse a person they know is married. yuck
What if you know the other woman is cheaing on her fiance when she's hanging out with/partying/sleeping your husband? Is it ok to call her a whore then?
In all honesty, I was never mad at the OW for having an affair with my XH. I thought she was disgusting for ruining her relationship in addition to mine, but I never hated her for it. In fact, as I went through the grieving process, it didn't take long for me to feel nothing but pity for her for being with him. He's not the type to stay faithful, as demonstrated to me by one of his XGF's who reached out to me when we were getting divorced to say that she's STILL struggling with what he did to her (6 years later!!!!) and wanted advice as to how I was able to move on and forget him.
This summer XH and the OW were married and now are expecting twins. Best of luck to her! In all seriousness, I really think she's a nice person and she's amazing with her stepson, so that's what matters to me. I'm happily remarried and sometimes I want to thank her for helping to break up my first marriage so that I could move on and re-write my story to have a much better outcome.
Like I said, I think "whore" has been used for so long to shame women for basically being comfortable with their sexuality and their right to sleep with whoever they want (within reason) that it's too loaded. I think there are soooooo many other words you could use for the OW or cheating wife that isn't basically shaming her for having sex. She's not a whore because she slept with your husband. Yes, she might be disgusting/stupid/trashy/insert here but she's not a whore. Anything that feeds into the "Madonna/whore" ideal sets me off and I kind of feel like that's why people use it so much. Like, I would never sleep with a married man because I'm not a whore. No. That's way too simplistic of a view. Especially when you have no idea what your husband was telling her. Don't most of them talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships/they're going to be leaving their spouse soon/they're separated/insert bullshit lie here? Okay then. If anything, she's stupid as fuck to believe a dude who is sleeping with her while married to somebody else would somehow magically remain faithful to her after he "leaves his wife".
I am usually pretty ambivalent about words outside of outright slurs but whore gets my gander up. I've seen how infidelity can ruin people and relationships (my parents being a key example) but my stepmother was not a whore, no matter how many times my mom said it. She was many things that were not so nice, and did many things that were not so nice, but she wasn't a whore.
Those were rehetorical questions...I was be facetious. But yes, I get it, you think whore is too loosely used and sex is sex is sex. Duly noted
Post by prettyinpearls on Aug 27, 2014 13:30:44 GMT -5
Homewrecking Skankwhore was tossed around a lot on the Single Parents board on TB back in the day. How about that? ::runs away from Nugget before her head spins::
Homewrecking Skankwhore was tossed around a lot on the Single Parents board on TB back in the day. How about that? ::runs away from Nugget before her head spins::
Who was this? I remember that term, but I can't remember whose XH had left for the homewrecking skankwhore.
Homewrecking Skankwhore was tossed around a lot on the Single Parents board on TB back in the day. How about that? ::runs away from Nugget before her head spins::
Who was this? I remember that term, but I can't remember whose XH had left for the homewrecking skankwhore.
Post by sawyerthedestroyer on Aug 28, 2014 8:35:54 GMT -5
If you want to get technical, XH was the whore because the pastor's wife was giving him money every time he had some sob story about how bad off we were financially (we weren't, BTW).