Actually now I'm rethinking this. I am very rarely free after work, but I have several coworkers who go to happy hour all the time. If I happen to be free on a night when they're going out I'll ask if they mind me tagging along. I also will plan happy hours for nights when I know I'm around and invite all of them.
We all talk about social plans in front of each other and all invitations are forwarded with an "add anyone else you want" on them so I don't think I'm being weird.
Someone in your office needs to take Lou somewhere!!
This is actually what ended up happening.
One invitee (not the one who told LOU about the lunch) went to lunch with LOU instead of coming with us because we had dim sum. That invitee has Celiac's disease and knew dim sum would be tough for her, so she took one for the team. (Sort of. She is actually friendlier with LOU than the rest of the group.)
I was being tongue in cheek with the elementary school bit. BUT if you do something during work hours, what do you gain by being unprofessional about it? Look, I get it; at my last job, there was a girl I HAAATTED like I've never hated anyone before or since. Of course, those are EXACTLY the people who get promoted.
So, if you will, the "mature" thing is to take the higher road and not be all Mean Girls on your lunch break.
Mature? Mature?!
What does maturity have to do with any of this?
Lunch is free time, and we have every right to spend said free time in the company of people we enjoy.
We went to a restaurant to send off our friend, and this person was not invited.
Eh, the scenario you described in your follow-up was not at all what I was talking about. Cool your jets.
There was an Ask Amy, or Ask Somebody I Forget Who, just last week about this. A group wanted to know if they could exclude one annoying person from their cafeteria lunches. The advice columnist said no, you can't exclude someone, Mean Girl style, if they ask to sit with you. But once you are off office grounds, it's your business who is and is not invited.
I get that, I do. But this is a special occasion and it sucks miso has to be the buffer. I wonder if Lou has any clue that she's not wanted or if she's just completely oblivious.
I have a few lying one uppers in my life and I've invited them to a few special occasions because I felt obligated to keep the peace. It made for an awkward time for everyone, except the Lou, who talked the entire time about themselves and all of the awesome stuff that's ever happened to them.
In addition to being a LOU, LOU also has dietary restrictions and is not easy-going about them. She makes everything about herself, complains loudly, and gets pouty.
Nobody wants to eat with her.
It is torture.
Well just solidified it for me - I would have told her flat out she wasn't invited. I'm not a.) Eating at a crappy restaurant that will cater to her dietary needs or b.) Listening to someone whine and bitch the entire time I'm trying to enjoy my meal - if I don't even like them. Nope. No one is ruining an eating experience for me.
I would not. But I really don't like the idea of people being left out.
With the new info that it was 15 people out of 90 it does not seem so bad to leave her out. Lou needs to find some Debbie Downer friends to hang out with..they 're everywhere!
Post by open24hours on Aug 27, 2014 15:52:06 GMT -5
I do not.
My mother does. It makes me cringe. The first time I spent Thanksgiving with H's (then boyfriend's) parents, my mother crashed dinner. She had to drive 400 miles in order to do this. No warning, no nothing, just a surprise knock at the the door. I was mortified and thought my nutty mother had completely ruined any relationship I had with H's parents. They took it in stride though.
My mother does. It makes me cringe. The first time I spent Thanksgiving with H's (then boyfriend's) parents, my mother crashed dinner. She had to drive 400 miles in order to do this. No warning, no nothing, just a surprise knock at the the door. I was mortified and thought my nutty mother had completely ruined any relationship I had with H's parents. They took it in stride though.
If that happened to me, I would enter witness protection. Immediately.
There was an Ask Amy, or Ask Somebody I Forget Who, just last week about this. A group wanted to know if they could exclude one annoying person from their cafeteria lunches. The advice columnist said no, you can't exclude someone, Mean Girl style, if they ask to sit with you. But once you are off office grounds, it's your business who is and is not invited.
I was just wondering how the situation was set up and if it was something that a bunch of people were obviously attending but she was being excluded from.
It doesn't justify the self-invite, but I can see someone who is already a bit wacky feeling like they are 'entitled' to go in a case like that, more than if it was something happening totally separate from work/work hours.
Did you figure out who ratted out the plan to her?
How is she entitled to come? She is not friends with the guest of honor!
I don't go around inviting myself to things to which I'm not invited.
If a group of 10 people is celebrating something, and I wasn't invited, too bad for me. I don't invite myself to that event.
No, I wouldn't invite myself along because there is a reason that certain group of co-workers is going to lunch. Maybe it's about a work project, or a celebration of a collaborative effort, or maybe just because they are all work buddies but let them have their lunch. Not a big deal.
Post by sofamonkey on Aug 27, 2014 16:44:44 GMT -5
What world do some of you live in? Unless work is paying me to do shit on my lunch, I get to do whatever I want as long as it is legal. Also, it is very common for some to nearly all co workers to go to lunch as friends without inviting all co workers, because adults have work friends. It is ridiculous to expect to hang out with people on your off time, no matter which side of this lunch table you are on. :/
Eh, the scenario you described in your follow-up was not at all what I was talking about. Cool your jets.
Ok. Tell me your scenario then.
Because I don't plan to start inviting LOU to lunch any time soon.
I maintain that if you work in a small office (or a small group inside a larger company), say 16 people total, and 15 people are invited to lunch and one is not, it's bad corporate etiquette.
Also, you may be exempt, but taking a 1.5 hour lunch is eating into your standard work hours. It's not cool if 15 people want to blow off work at the same time and exclude one coworker (as in my hypothetical scenario). Take it to happy hour, do it on the weekend, etc. And for god's sake, be discreet.
Obviously that was not the scenario you later described. So carry on.
Post by BunnyMacDougal on Aug 27, 2014 17:00:12 GMT -5
If I don't invite someone with me (us): YES, invite yourself. I probably just forgot. I would never be part of lunch someone was conspicuously uninvited to. And if I found myself at such a lunch with the self-invitee I would admire their confidence to come along and just be nice (and save whatever talk I would have had to hide from them until later).
If I don't get invited: le fuck no. They hate me and will laugh for years about how I invited myself to lunch and ruined the whole thing.
Mmmmm...maybe if I thought they legitimately forgot about me. Like, if my whole department went out to lunch without me that would be such an uncharacteristic dick move that I'd be like, "Yo! What's up?"
Was there one person specifically excluded? Was it reasonable for him/her to expect to be included?
Guest of honor doesn't like her!
This changes my answer. I was thinking regular workday lunch where people decided to go out. For a guest of honor who doesn't like someone....eh, you know.
Because I don't plan to start inviting LOU to lunch any time soon.
I maintain that if you work in a small office (or a small group inside a larger company), say 16 people total, and 15 people are invited to lunch and one is not, it's bad corporate etiquette.
Also, you may be exempt, but taking a 1.5 hour lunch is eating into your standard work hours. It's not cool if 15 people want to blow off work at the same time and exclude one coworker (as in my hypothetical scenario). Take it to happy hour, do it on the weekend, etc. And for god's sake, be discreet.
Obviously that was not the scenario you later described. So carry on.
I maintain that you are often #16 in this scenario. #bitter
Post by RoxMonster on Aug 27, 2014 17:20:24 GMT -5
1) I'm jealous of 1.5 hour lunches. So jealous.
2) I think it's crazy that anyone thinks it is either OK for someone to include themselves if they are the only one not invited or that you have to invite everyone if you are going to invite some. We're all grown ups. Obviously, I don't think it's polite to run around shouting from the rooftops about the party or lunch you're having right in front of the uninvited person (which didn't happen here). But you are totally within your right to spend your free time at work (like during lunch) hanging out with the people you want and only those people. Frankly, unless you are rubbing it in the uninvited person's nose and carrying on about it, it isn't even rude to not include them.
2) I think it's crazy that anyone thinks it is either OK for someone to include themselves if they are the only one not invited or that you have to invite everyone if you are going to invite some. We're all grown ups. Obviously, I don't think it's polite to run around shouting from the rooftops about the party or lunch you're having right in front of the uninvited person (which didn't happen here). But you are totally within your right to spend your free time at work (like during lunch) hanging out with the people you want and only those people. Frankly, unless you are rubbing it in the uninvited person's nose and carrying on about it, it isn't even rude to not include them.
We all got a meeting invite for our respective calendars.
Met at the elevators downstairs to determine who would ride in which car.
And drove away.
The one invitee was stupid when she didn't just tell LOU, "I have plans" or something else vague.
2) I think it's crazy that anyone thinks it is either OK for someone to include themselves if they are the only one not invited or that you have to invite everyone if you are going to invite some. We're all grown ups. Obviously, I don't think it's polite to run around shouting from the rooftops about the party or lunch you're having right in front of the uninvited person (which didn't happen here). But you are totally within your right to spend your free time at work (like during lunch) hanging out with the people you want and only those people. Frankly, unless you are rubbing it in the uninvited person's nose and carrying on about it, it isn't even rude to not include them.
We all got a meeting invite for our respective calendars.
Met at the elevators downstairs to determine who would ride in which car.
And drove away.
The one invitee was stupid when she didn't just tell LOU, "I have plans" or something else vague.
Oh I agree. The way this was handled wasn't rude. I can see it being rude if someone walks by uninvited person's desk on the way to lunch and goes "neener neener we're eating lunch without you and it's going to be fabulous."