I suck and I don't know how to fix it.

[karmasabiotch]

I cancelled my visit to see my Dad in TN in August.

I usually talk to him once or twice per week. He has dementia and doesn't usually remember and when I do talk with him he thinks I'm my sister who really hasn't talked to him in over 30 years because he was an abusive ass to me. Never to her because she was the golden child.

I forgave him because that's just my personality.

He calls me 20 times some days because he doesn't remember he called me. I ignore the calls and limit my contact to the calls 1-2 times per week.

I haven't called him in about 1 month. Evil Step Mom left a message for DH to have me call him because she knows he checks his messages. That was last week and I still haven't called.

I don't know how to just call since it's been so long. The longer I wait the worse I feel. I need to just suck it up. My Dad won't know it's been so long but SM will. I feel like crap over it.

I need a good lie about why I haven't called because I can't just say I've been so worn out with J that I didn't have it in me to deal with that too.

This is so long so thanks for reading it if you made it this far. I really don't know what looking for other than an awesome lie and for ML to absolve me from my guilt.

[cville]

Well...wasn't he not so great as a dad and wasn't your SM trying to foist him upon you and ditch his ass like 2 seconds ago? Maybe not so much with the worrying about what she thinks about anything.

[karmasabiotch]

Aug 27, 2014 20:18:00 GMT -5 @clarissa said:

Doesn't sound like you have forgiven him.

Forgiven but not forgotten. He has forgotten though so that's why I forgave him. He doesn't remember not being a great Dad.

[karmasabiotch]

Aug 27, 2014 20:16:52 GMT -5 cville said:

Well...wasn't he not so great as a dad and wasn't your SM trying to foist him upon you and ditch his ass like 2 seconds ago? Maybe not so much with the worrying about what she thinks about anything.

You're right. She wants to dump him to hang onto her money. I don't owe her anything. Thank you for the reminder.

[lilac05]

No need for a lie. Just call. He won't ask. If she asks, just say, "It's not important. What is important is that I miss talking to my dad and would like to talk to him now. Thanks."

Sometimes we do things and don't have good excuses. We all do. It's OK. Own it or ignore it, but don't make yourself come up with a lie about it. (Even though your excuse is more than reasonable...you probably have a really hard time facing his health issues. They suck & avoiding the situation is very common.)

Now go call your dad so you don't have to keep feeling guilty for not calling.

And I'm sorry. For what you grew up with, and for his dementia.

ETA:  I apparently missed/forgot an important part of this story.  You do what is best for you, first...then consider your dad, to your comfort level.  Forget about his wife and what she wants!

[eav2c]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my dad. It's hard to deal with at times. I feel like I need to scream into the phone and explain things 10x's over again and he won't even remember. It's hard. Give yourself some credit and don't be so hard on yourself. Call if you want/are ready, you don't need an excuse or a lie, and don't worry about your SM. Do as you need. It can be emotionally exhausting to deal with dementia from this end. ((Hugs))

[lime]

You don't owe her or him an explanation.

Sorry you have to deal with her, him and the whole shitty situation.

[tripleshot]

You have nothing to feel bad about. Don't worry what SM thinks. Do what you're comfortable with. Don't let her or anyone else try to guilt you. Stand up for yourself and be confident. (Hugs)

[speckledfrog]

I also avoid extra drama in my life. I don't suck and neither do you.

[HiC]

SM can always call you so you can say hi to your dad, no? I hate the "Call your father" bullshit. Don't lie, just call and don't apologize.

[HiC]

(and stop beating yourself up!)

[rosiebear]

Aug 27, 2014 20:24:50 GMT -5 Que? said:

Aug 27, 2014 20:19:37 GMT -5 karmasabiotch said:

Forgiven but not forgotten. He has forgotten though so that's why I forgave him. He doesn't remember not being a great Dad.

This is precisely why I'm able to forgive my Dad, because he's gone. It just doesn't matter anymore.
That doesn't mean that you have to put energy towards him. He doesn't remember, but you do and that's enough. You're enough. Put yourself and your family first, and see what's left. If it's nothing, that's ok. If it's something, then it's enough and it has to be enough for your SM, because this is YOUR choice.

Exactly what Que said. I'm dealing with a very similar situation, except I was the "golden child." I feel guilt over that and I really want nothing to do with my mother. I have some pressure to interact/caretake though, and sometimes I do it.

But when I don't, I am not being a bad person. You are not being a bad person. You are entitled to take better care, much better care, of yourself than he ever did.

[cleo29]

Call your dad, he will be none the wiser on how long it has been and will simply enjoy the call. If your SM asks you why it has been so long, just be honest but also keep it short. You don't owe her the effort of concocting some big story nor do you owe her tons of details.

[Deleted]

Just call him.
Fuck that crazy bitch.
And then call your therapist.