NSOR: Emotionally Support my Mom

[Deleted]

Hi All,

I could really use some advice about my mom. Some background. I'm an only child and we are very close. She lives about 45 minutes from me. She has been separated from my Dad but for ease of finances they stayed married. He has had a GF (who I often just call my stepmom) for about 15 years now. She also had a brain tumor removed about 10 years ago and as such is epileptic. So stress can bring on these seizures although she has them rarely. She's sort of the family "matriach" as my grandparents are gone and my cousin lost her mom two years ago. She will be 70 in October.  Here are the things she is dealing with:

-My uncle is an alcoholic. They are very close, but he refuses to get treatment. She is working toward cutting him out of her life, but it's obviously hard. 
-My cousin's (now ex) husband was arrested for solicting a minor. She has been a source of support for my cousin who is dealing with it in very healthy ways.
-My cousin currently has four foster children (post-ex) that my mom cares about but it can be stressful as they come from some rough backgrounds and have many issues they are working through
-My other cousin has a daughter who is six my mom is very close to her like a granddaughter. Her mom is a trainwreck (but not enough for social services to be involved). We worry a lot about G how she will grow up
-Her and my dad have finally decided to divorce. It's somewhat contentious and my dad has been violent and threatening with her in the past (like 20 years ago) 
-I cause my mom plenty of stress too with my ED and depression/anxiety, although I try not to lean on her much anymore for that
-She routinly has major medical issues like a knee replacement, cataracts, and dental implant issues

So basically she is stressed the fuck out and sad. She doesn't want to try to get some medications (although I think some anti anxiety stuff would be good) or see a therapist. I've suggested some yoga and regular massages neither of which she wants to invest in. 

I listen to her and tell her I'm sorry she's dealing with all of this and we are going away for thanksgiving. I routinely offer to help (contact rehabs for my uncle, buy clothes for my cousin, etc.)

Is there anything I can do to help? Things I'm not thinking of that would be supportive? 

[locarb]

Move to Colorado?

Wow, she is taking on a tremendous amount of stress recently. You have offered great ideas; meds, exercise and massages. Additionally, you are supportive by listening and offering to take on her responsibilities. Maybe some mental relaxation tapes to listen to? Would she feel comfortable joining a group of ladies to exercise/mall walk? I think she needs to make time for herself as the majority of the issues seem to be other ppl's issues she has taken on. If you (or someone else) can convince her to get out of her comfort zone and invest in an activity just once she may realize she enjoys it and it's helpful. GL!

[Deleted]

locarb thanks! She also has extreme social anxiety so there's that. Uggg there probably isn't anything else I can do, I just really hate seeing her so stressed.

[stephreloaded]

Maybe suggest her to walk and exercise more? I think at the end, she has to want to help herself. She has A LOT on her plate, and it would be good to go to therapy to talk to someone.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2014 12:49:24 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Maybe suggest her to walk and exercise more? I think at the end, she has to want to help herself. She has A LOT on her plate, and it would be good to go to therapy to talk to someone.

yea I mean she's playing a bit of a matyr here which is annoying and plays a bit of the "well medication would take the stress away. A therapist won't help me." She was once committed for inpatient so I'm a little worried. She does exercise six days a week and goes on frequent walks. 

[jigsy]

Is there a reason that she is not with seeing a therapist? Is it the stigma associated? Money?

It sounds like she might be pretty depressed, and it is hard to find the strength to do anything that will change those feelings when you are in that dark place. If it were me, I would really try to get her into talking to a professional. she doesn't need to be medicated, but it really sounds like she could benefit from some professional advice.

[seabitch]

Sorry @pdx18, that is alot, and so hard to watch her I am sure.

Can you speak to the cousin who has your mom help with the foster care children and ask her to reduce the amount of time that your mom is caring for them? At 70 years old, she should be slowing down, not still moving at a fast pace.

I agree with the pp that relaxation has to be something she wants to take on.

My mother plays the matyr sometimes and that in itself is so hard to take when you can see if ripples into unnecessary stress and hardship for you mother.

[Deleted]

seabitch, my mom doesn't actually watch them very much. Maybe an hour or so a week in home while my cousin grocery shops and they themselves are easy. It's more the emotional stress you know? Will they be sent back to their abusive mom that sort of thing.

And she's always been a mover. You'd never know she's 70. Physically she has a ton of energy, way more than me!

[Deleted]

Just want to offer hugs.  I can relate to being an only child, close relationship and sort of a struggle with my mom (since stepdad passed). I also encouraged my mom to see a therapist, but she out and out refused saying she didn't need therapy.  Moral of the story- you can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink.  Just try and be the close daughter you've always been, lend an ear, maybe just try to take her to a movie or dinner? 

[Deleted]

@blueyes623 thanks! Yea it's so hard. I booked us a trip to vegas for Thanksgiving so that will help. We went to the state fair last weekend. I try and do stuff with her a lot. I just want her to be happy. She really is a wonderful person who deserves a wonderful life.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2014 17:46:19 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

@blueyes623 thanks! Yea it's so hard. I booked us a trip to vegas for Thanksgiving so that will help. We went to the state fair last weekend. I try and do stuff with her a lot. I just want her to be happy. She really is a wonderful person who deserves a wonderful life.

You're a good daughter.  I went to vegas with my mom about a year and a half ago and we had a blast!  She'd never been and absolutely loved it.  

[Deleted]

@blueyes623 awww thanks! My mom and I have been like 5 times? She loves it. She said its the only place she feels relaxed. Which is really the opposite of what other people experience. But she's got so much to keep her mind occupied that she's truly able to let go and have fun.

[gozf]

Aug 28, 2014 17:46:19 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

@blueyes623 thanks! Yea it's so hard. I booked us a trip to vegas for Thanksgiving so that will help. We went to the state fair last weekend. I try and do stuff with her a lot. I just want her to be happy. She really is a wonderful person who deserves a wonderful life.

You are such a sweetheart. I know how hard it is to see a parent struggle, as another only. I generally don't mind not having siblings, but as our parents age, it brings a whole new set of responsibilities.

I've been avoiding this post, because I don't have great constructive solutions. This is a tough one! I think that of you keep doing what you're doing, it'll help. Just be there for her, and do things with her. Be a supportive presence and provide a break from the stress with fun stuff like meals out, spa days, girls nights.

[Deleted]

Thanks all! I appreciate the support! It's just hard. I think she does need to see a therapist but she just refused because she doesn't think they can help her because they can't take away the stress.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2014 18:27:34 GMT -5 gozf said:

Aug 28, 2014 17:46:19 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

@blueyes623 thanks! Yea it's so hard. I booked us a trip to vegas for Thanksgiving so that will help. We went to the state fair last weekend. I try and do stuff with her a lot. I just want her to be happy. She really is a wonderful person who deserves a wonderful life.

You are such a sweetheart. I know how hard it is to see a parent struggle, as another only. I generally don't mind not having siblings, but as our parents age, it brings a whole new set of responsibilities.

This. Exactly.  It's so hard when you are "IT".  Other people just don't get it.  

[moonlight]

Aug 28, 2014 19:08:13 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Thanks all! I appreciate the support! It's just hard. I think she does need to see a therapist but she just refused because she doesn't think they can help her because they can't take away the stress.

This whole situation sounds very frustrating for you. I also think therapy would be really good for her. I resisted going for a long time as well though, so I understand where she is coming from.

What about finding some kind of wellness center? There are places you can go where they check your vitamin levels to see what you need to supplement, you can work with a nutritionist, take some yoga classes, something like that?

[1confused1]

Hugs @pdx18  I have no advice

[seabitch]

@pdx18, understood. I get it. My mom is around her age. Tough to watch them go through the aging process.

[redredwine]

Oh, @pdx18, sorry girl!!! I know your mom can be alot, but I KNOW you are a great daughter-I'm sure she appreciates all you do for her. I wish I had advice, but I really don't have anything different than what you've already suggested to her (which she won't do!) or what people have said above. The best is probably just to be there for her. In a healthy way that doesn't take over your own life, that is, which I think you're good at finding a balance at.
Hugs lady!