Trying to process this info

[nomad100]

PDQ  I just have to get this out because, other than DH, I can't talk to anyone here about this.

DH just learned why his oldest son (who is 19) he hasn't been returning DH's calls and texts, why he kept blowing off DH's offers to buy a plane ticket so he could see us and his grandmother, and why he has been so ambivalent about coming to live with us so he can go to CC here and get a job when he had previously been positive about it.  (He lives in a small town in pretty much the middle of nowhere with his mother and stepfather and we live in a bigger city with more opportunity.) 

He reached out last night because he wants to make a fresh start.  He originally told DH some crazy story in the Spring about how he wrecked his truck so couldn't drive to a job or get to school but it is much worse.  He was convicted of a felony and spent some time in jail.  It isn't for a violent offense (DUI, fleeing and resisting arrest - he tried to run from the police when they tried to pull him over).

So once he figures out his probation situation, finishes paying off his fines and penalties and learns whether his probation can be transferred here (he lives in another state), he wants to come to live with us.  He wants to go to community college here and DH has some contacts that may be able to give him a job.  He already knows that there will be rules and that he will have to be a contributing member of the family, even if he is an adult.  He is more than OK with that.

But I am still in shock.  He is a such a good kid with so much potential.  I am heartbroken that his dumb decision will possibly follow him for the rest of his life. 

DH is heartbroken too but at the same time is happy that his oldest is actually communicating with him again and being truthful about what is really going on.  DH couldn't figure out what the heck was going on since up until about 6 months ago, when apparently all this went down, they talked, texted and emailed regularly.  Son seemed to being doing well, had a job and was looking at colleges, but then it was radio silence.  His X, when DH tried to talk to her about oldest son, just said, he is an adult.  He will call you when he wants to.  (I am still flabergasted by that response knowing now what has really been going on.  But that is a whole other post.)

And selfishly (and I own that this is totally selfish), I am wondering how having a felon in the house could impact our plans to adopt. 

[nomad100]

And crap, I thought I was posting on ML.

[Pom]

Oh my. I can see why it is hard for you to wrap your head around all of this. On one hand, the good news is that he reached out and came clean about the issue and details. On the other, the truth is upsetting. People make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, I've heard worse and I bet you have too. None the less, it is so hard to make this reality fit the person that you know. You know he is a good kid with potential and you guys want better for him...and this will be a burden for him to bear. As for the last bit, I don't think that is selfish at all. I don't know if that will impact your situation and I certainly hope it isn't a problem.

(((HUGS))) It's heartbreaking because you want life to be good for this kid and this is a hard bump. I hope he is back on track and you all can put this in the rear view mirror.

[Pom]

Aug 31, 2014 19:24:07 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

And crap, I thought I was posting on ML.

I had to butt in.

[AAM2012]

I am glad he was finally able to tell you what has been going on. People do make mistakes and he was probably really embarrassed when it happened that he didn't want to disappoint his dad.

[mollybrown]

Honestly, I'd start looking into the implications of having a felon in the house while trying to adopt. I wouldn't be jeopardizing that for someone that didn't contact me for 6 months or even tell me they went to jail. I'd help him as much as possible getting connected and set up in the new city, but not under my roof if necessary. Good luck...sounds like a tough situation.

[lime]

I would absolutely put my adoption plans ahead of helping him out, if it comes down to it.

[bryantpark]

Also butting in - Why wouldn't dh's ex tell your DH?

[nomad100]

Aug 31, 2014 20:09:12 GMT -5 mollybrown said:

Honestly, I'd start looking into the implications of having a felon in the house while trying to adopt.

TBH, this is my concern but DH is so happy that OSS is talking to him honestly again, I don't know that I can say No.  And I wouldn't be surprised if his mother has had some impact on OSS not calling DH.  She has been warned by the court on several occasions to not interfere with the kids' relationship with DH but that hasn't stopped her from trying to limit his access to them.  OSS may have felt like he couldn't talk to DH since he needs his mom's help and financial support right now. (I am not excusing his radio silence but historically the times that OSS calls DH are when his mom is at work or he is away from the house.)

And I want to do all that we can to help him.  But financially, setting him up with his own place isn't feasible at this point. And since he won't be considered a resident at the time of his move and be on probation to boot, I am concerned that he won't qualify for many of our local support programs.  The only other option would be for him to live with MIL, but she could drive a sane person crazy so if we don't have to subject him to that, it would be preferable.

I know this is going to sound a little woe is me but this is the sometimes less than happy part of marrying someone who already had kids, any family he and I want to start is impacted by his children. 

The organization that handles foster to adopt program in our area has an informational meeting in October, so I can find out more then.  OSS will also know more about whether he can even transfer his probation by then too since his next hearing is in September.  There is a good chance that the court says he can't move any time soon, if at all.

Sigh.  This whole situation sucks. 

[nomad100]

Aug 31, 2014 20:18:42 GMT -5 bryantpark said:

Also butting in - Why wouldn't dh's ex tell your DH?

The short answer?  She isn't a very nice person.  

She refuses to talk to me so other that what DH tells me, I am not really sure why she wouldn't say anything other than she has a history of trying to limit DH's access to the kids (and has been warned by the court that this type of behavior is unacceptable but nothing ever really changes).

I am still totally flabergasted that she didn't even call DH.  I mean, really?  She didn't think DH would want to know?  That maybe we could help in some way? 

[Pom]

What an awful situation. I am so sorry.

[mollybrown]

Aug 31, 2014 20:37:24 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

Aug 31, 2014 20:18:42 GMT -5 bryantpark said:

Also butting in - Why wouldn't dh's ex tell your DH?

The short answer?  She isn't a very nice person.  

She refuses to talk to me so other that what DH tells me, I am not really sure why she wouldn't say anything other than she has a history of trying to limit DH's access to the kids (and has been warned by the court that this type of behavior is unacceptable but nothing ever really changes).

I am still totally flabergasted that she didn't even call DH.  I mean, really?  She didn't think DH would want to know?  That maybe we could help in some way? 

I don't know your backstory, so forgive me if it's relevant.  It seems like too much of the blame is being placed on the ex, and not enough on your SS.  He IS an adult, and could have figured out how to call his dad, send a letter, or hire a freaking carrier pigeon if he wanted to get word to his dad that he wasn't dead.  Maybe he told the ex not to tell your husband.  I get that your husband is relieved to be back in communication with him, but a frank conversation needs to be had.  I cannot even imagine this scenario with one of my own children, and I would be so furious.

You can absolutely put your foot down about SS staying with you guys.  It is perfectly reasonable in this situation.  If the consequence is that SS has to go stay with batshit Grandma, so be it.

[nomad100]

mollybrown I get you. And yes, there is major backstory that I haven't shared on here since DH is usually really good about keeping me out of the middle of the BS between him and his ex-wife. But some of it is mind-boggling. I sometimes think that if you read it all in a book, one's reaction would be "this can't be for real."

And yes, there will be MAJOR conversations between me and DH, between DH and OSS and between us all if things are to proceed, but at this point, we are where we are with limited information and a shitton of unknowns.

With so many unknowns, it is hard to know how strongly to react to his moving here. Especially since, based on what I was reading online, discretionary transfer of felony probation is a big undertaking and isn't a guarantee given the state he is coming from is notorious for denying the transfers. So that may never even happen.

[lolo]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of that.

Why not call the organization who handles foster to adopt services and ask (anonymously) whether there are restrictions on convicted felons living under the same roof? That would give you some information as you and your DH consider what actions you are (and aren't) willing to take.

[Deleted]

I had jury duty a couple of weeks ago and out of about 30 potential jurors, about 15 of them had DUI's (you had to say if you've ever been arrested/had a felony). Needless to say, there were a lot of people, both white and blue collar, who had DUI's.

My point...His life isn't over because of this. As sad as it is, a DUI isn't in the same ballpark as most felonies.

[imojoebunny]

Aug 31, 2014 23:12:35 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

I had jury duty a couple of weeks ago and out of about 30 potential jurors, about 15 of them had DUI's (you had to say if you've ever been arrested/had a felony). Needless to say, there were a lot of people, both white and blue collar, who had DUI's.

My point...His life isn't over because of this. As sad as it is, a DUI isn't in the same ballpark as most felonies.

This.  And I would worry more about the child that already belongs to my family, than a potential child. Yes, he is an adult, but he is your husbands son, not some random teen.  You said he is typically a good person.  While I would not enable him if he has an alcohol problem, if he was being stupid and realizes it, I would find a way to help my child get back on the right track.  I hope your DH does what he needs to do to help his child. 

Roughly 1.4M people get a DUI in a given year.  If we declare all of them unworthy, and throw them out, it would be a great waste of humanity.  Additionally, the CDC estimates over 100M people drive impaired in a given year.  

www.cdc.gov/motorvehiclesafety/impaired_driving/impaired-drv_factsheet.html

[compassrose]

Gah, that's hard. I hope your SS is able to turn his life around; I'm glad your DH is supporting him.

My situation is different, but I hear you on the BSC BM and the balancing act of SSs and hypothetical children. Some days it's a lot, even when you wouldn't trade it.

[nomad100]

Sept 1, 2014 19:27:30 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

Aug 31, 2014 23:12:35 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

I had jury duty a couple of weeks ago and out of about 30 potential jurors, about 15 of them had DUI's (you had to say if you've ever been arrested/had a felony). Needless to say, there were a lot of people, both white and blue collar, who had DUI's.

My point...His life isn't over because of this. As sad as it is, a DUI isn't in the same ballpark as most felonies.

This.  And I would worry more about the child that already belongs to my family, than a potential child. Yes, he is an adult, but he is your husbands son, not some random teen.  You said he is typically a good person.  While I would not enable him if he has an alcohol problem, if he was being stupid and realizes it, I would find a way to help my child get back on the right track.  I hope your DH does what he needs to do to help his child. 

Roughly 1.4M people get a DUI in a given year.  If we declare all of them unworthy, and throw them out, it would be a great waste of humanity.  Additionally, the CDC estimates over 100M people drive impaired in a given year.  

www.cdc.gov/motorvehiclesafety/impaired_driving/impaired-drv_factsheet.html

The DUI part isn't that awful. It isn't ideal but it isn't the end of the world, I know.  I have several friends and family members that have gotten DUIs, most of them are nice and decent people.  And I never said he was unworthy. (where did you get that impression?)  Apparently it was the fleeing from police and then getting into a physical fight with them when he eventually pulled over that upped the charges.  

Of course, DH will do what he can to help OSS (again, where did you get the idea that he wasn't going to do anything?) - the moving in with us, helping him get into community college and help with getting a job - would all be part of that help.  

And I said I know it was selfish of me to worry about all this impacting our ability to someday adopt a child. Since I have IF and am AMA, adoption is our only option so having that possibly taken off the table because we need to help OSS is more than a little upsetting, TBH.  If you don't get that, well, then I got nothing else for you.  

[livinitup]

That's some huge bullshit that he was allowed to cover it up instead of getting legal and emotional support from his father! I'd be livid. He went through all of that - and was what, embarrassed?

Okay, moving forward. He sounds back on track and the plans are solid. As for your worry, I used to write home studies for adoption. Identifying members of a housed was a tricky affair. Especially college students. He can live with you, for school and work, without being a member of your household. There are many ways of looking at his residency that will not negatively affect your home study or adoption options. 

And yes, one of the consequences of an arrest and felony conviction may be that he can't live with you while he pursues his education. Not that he can't have your strong support while he lives nearby in student or off campus housing. He's simply not the same young kid he was before a record. I encourage you to put his needs front and center and adjust some of your priorities to help him - but be realistic for all of you. And honest, too. 

He didn't want to tell you about an arrest, and as a result you couldn't help him.  Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. Maybe a better lawyer could have defended him better.  Doesn't matter now. But don't pretend it doesn't exist.  It does. And it will okay, too.

[sparkythelawyer]

See if your SS has an attorney of his own. If not, hire him one. It can be possible for his probation to be transferred. He may still be eligible (I AM NOT A CRIMINAL ATTORNEY) for some early offender programs that may help his record, etc. He'll need help to get out of where he is, and honestly, it sounds like getting out of there might be a good thing for him.

[monsterz]

On the adoption front I wouldn't say that this would definitely impact your chances. Be honest with your case worker. All family members living in the house need to have a criminal background check and will be part of the home study. It may result in additional screenings or they may suggest counseling as a pre-condition. Every county/state/case worker will handle things differently. Don't let this stop you from pursuing adoption.