Not sure what I'm looking for *UPDATED*

[brokeandscaredae]

This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance.

My h and I are extremely broke.  We've maxed out our existing credit cards and we also owe his parents money.  We make enough to get our bills paid and put extra on credit, but it seems like something always comes up unexpectedly - the car breaks down, the dog gets sick, etc.  My h also has an illness which includes spending sprees as symptoms, and it's very hard to keep that in control.  I had just been starting to kind of feel all right, and had a couple hundred in savings (I know that's not a lot, but for us that was something) and all hell broke loose. The car unexpectedly needed $300 in repairs, we couldn't back out of an existing camping trip (stupid, we should have just not gone), and now this.  I'm pregnant.  I do NOT want to be pregnant.  This was not supposed to happen, and it's all my fucking fault. I was lazy, never picked up my prescription for my pills last month and look what fucking happened.

I cannot have a baby. Even if I wanted one (which I don't), this cannot happen right now. I've called Planned Parenthood and made an appointment for next Tuesday but I feel like shit. And it's going to cost way more than what we can afford.  I do have insurance, so I'm giving them that info, but I don't know if that would be covered.  The lady said it could cost anywhere from $625 to over $1000. 

Like I said, I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but I have no one to talk to IRL. My h has taken it well, but I don't want to freak him out and this is completely my doing (I mean, I know it takes two to make a baby, but I didn't tell him I wasn't on the pill).

Anyway, thanks for reading. I know I'm an idiot.

[lime]

((big hugs AE))

Regarding the finances - see if you can find out if your insurance will cover this. A few women here have had this procedure covered by their insurance.

Also, some clinics have "angel" donors that will cover the cost. (There was a long AMA on CEP about someone that worked in a clinic like this.) Ask PP for help in this regard.

What kind of emotional support do you have? Is your H helping you with this? Do you have girl friends or family members that you can lean on in this time?

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

RE: the H thing, can you restrict him from having any access to the accounts? That would be the easiest way to control his spending.

[demelza]

vaba?

[cinderbella]

You may be surprised but there are definitely insurances that cover the procedure - call your insurance company and find out. Since it's usually done in the office (at PP), you might only be responsible for a small copay.

You aren't an idiot - you're in a tough situation. Hugs.

[Kristinmo]

(((hugs))). I am sorry you are in this position. Agree with the above to ask PP for help.

[Kristinmo]

Sept 2, 2014 15:13:34 GMT -5 demelza said:

vaba?

While this could be a catfish situation I would always rather be supportive in case it is someone who really needs support.

[brokeandscaredae]

I do have a therapist that I'm seeing regularly. I'm being treated for depression and am on prozac, which usually helps me. These last couple weeks I have been feeling stressed out, overwhelmed and extra emotional. I'm not sure if it's because I stopped the birth control, so I'm not on those hormones, or if it's because I'm pg. I just took the test yesterday, and I've only missed one period, so I don't think I'm very far along at all. I don't feel any different other than being emotional and having some intestinal issues.

My h is trying to be helpful, but he doesn't really know what to do. I haven't really told him how upset I am and how worried I am. I'm in charge of our finances (since he cannot be trusted with it), so I feel like I'm even more of a fuck up for not being prepared. And for getting us in this mess. And for never telling him no when he wants to buy something.

In general, I just feel like a fuck up and waste of space.

[wambam]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice, just hugs. ((AE))

[panicked]

Regarding finances- look into a NON-PROFIT consumer counseling program. Lots of states have them. You give them the I do on all your debt, they negotiate a lower/zero interest rate. You pay them a monthly payment and they pay the creditors. This is not a program like you see On tv where they don't pay your debt for months, then ask for a settlement. (Those are for-profit companies.) They will help you get all your debt straightened out. It will take time to pay it off, but it will be worth it.

[Deleted]

How unfortunate to find yourself in this situation. You must be emotionally exhausted.

First, handle the unexpected pregnancy. PP is a fantastic resource, you have health insurance, and you may need to put your portion of the procedure on a credit card. Handle caring for yourself first. DO NOT beat yourself up for getting into this situation. I wonder if PP could help you afford an IUD as a long-term birth control option?

Then, once you've given yourself a little bit of time, sit down and lay out all of your debts, assets and income. Look hard at what you have to work with, and create a plan to move forward. DO NOT beat yourself up for getting into this situation financially. Only look forward.

Perhaps you take over all family finances, and give your husband a cash allowance each week? Is he in treatment for whatever causes this? How aware of his situation is he?

You're in a tough situation, but you do have options. Please be kind to yourself.

[shostakovich]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Can you book an extra appointment with your therapist to talk all of this over? I'm really hard on myself whenever I feel like I've made a mistake, and it sounds like you are having this same issue - I think your therapist can offer you a place to talk everything out and work through the negative feelings you're having about yourself.

Lots of hugs.

[brokeandscaredae]

I do have complete control of our finances - I give him a set amount each week. However, I am a complete pussy when it comes to telling him no, so it doesn't completely stop the spending. He is completely aware of the illness, and has been in treatment and medicated for it since he was a teenager, however when he decides he wants something, he is extremely focussed and on the verge of obsessed with it. He gets angry if he does not have the money for it - rage is another symptom of the illness. It is usually easier for me to say yes than to say no. Even with all of this happening right now, he still wants to spend $60 on something. Right now I'm so emotionally drained I just told him no and cannot even process that he's asking me for that.

I do have our debts mapped out at least, and I am extremely organized when it comes to budgeting. I have an excel spreadsheet that is budgeted out until 2017. If we can keep on track, I do think that we can be paid off within the next 3 years, but the problem is sticking to it. I can do a spreadsheet all day, but if we can't live by it, what the fuck good is it doing. If we can't stop using the cards, why am I even trying to pay them off?

I actually cut up all the cards a month ago and so we haven't used them for a month. I've been moving money around to be able to pay for the car and this camping trip. But now we're completely tapped out, and I don't even have a card to take to PP. I tried to order a replacement card online, but it's not letting me, so I'll have to call it in. I just hope that it can get here before Tuesday, and I feel sick about adding to the debt.

I appreciate all of the hugs and suggestions.

[Deleted]

Are you in counseling? You have a lot to handle with out this unplanned pregnancy (please stop beating yourself up over this, you don't need to do that to yourself) and I think you need a professional to talk through this with and help you cope with everything you have on your plate.

Look into your insurance to see if you are covered. You might also have some coverage under an EAP plan at work.

[sparkythelawyer]

With your follow up about his obsession and the spending, are you safe in your home? I am worried for you. Also, if he is still this obsessive, perhaps he needs to get his medication adjusted?

Regarding the pregnancy, you have options. Many insurance companies do in fact cover these procedures.

Hang in there.

[LoveTrains]

First, hugs to you.

Secondly, if you do want to terminate, it sounds like you are early enough for a non-surgical termination. Those are generally less expensive. Something to consider.

As for finances please consider coming over to MM.

[brokeandscaredae]

I am safe at home - when he gets angry, I leave him alone until he cools off. He knows that he shouldn't be spending, and sometimes he doesn't even WANT to, but he can't get the thoughts out of his head.

I've told him he need to talk to his doctor about adjusting the medication, and he's trying a new pill right now. I haven't seen much difference other than he is easier to irritate now, which I don't like. If it gets worse, I'm going to tell him he needs to go back to the old pill. I'm not sure if there's any medication that can help obsessing?

I am relieved to hear that it may be possible for my insurance to cover the procedure - PP said it would take two business days to process the claim, so that made me nervous, not knowing if it will be covered.

[Gato]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  I kind of know what you're going through (my XH had a gambling problem that would surprise me with thousands in credit card bills; fortunately I separated our credit before it got too bad). 

You can make drastic cuts in your expenses to get those credit cards paid down by thinking creatively.  Take in a roommate to share living expenses.  Sell your cars if you have decent public transportation.  Etc.  I would have a hard time sticking to a strict budget for 3 years too.

(((HUGS))) Don't get down on yourself; you CAN change but it's hard to take on everything all at once.

[PinkSquirrel]

There are abortion funds that may be able to help with money. What state are you in? You can go to fundabortionnow.com and look up your local fund there. If there isn't a local fund near you feel free to PM me and I may have some other tips on where to go

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2014 15:28:02 GMT -5 brokeandscaredae said:

I do have complete control of our finances - I give him a set amount each week. However, I am a complete pussy when it comes to telling him no, so it doesn't completely stop the spending. He is completely aware of the illness, and has been in treatment and medicated for it since he was a teenager, however when he decides he wants something, he is extremely focussed and on the verge of obsessed with it. He gets angry if he does not have the money for it - rage is another symptom of the illness. It is usually easier for me to say yes than to say no.

You've had good advice for everything else so I'm going to focus on this.

Do you have a budget?  If not, create one and it doesn't have to be fancy, just money in, common money out (bills, rough estimate for food/gas).  Something that shows you are spending what is coming in and there is no extra.

Then you don't have to say "no".  You can say "we don't have the money, we either need to find a way to spend less on something here or make more money" and if he gets angry stick to it.  Focus his obsession with getting on also "how to make more money to pay for it"

 

Maybe it will help you because you aren't saying no, you're saying "figure out how to find the money to pay cash" and hopefully his illness doesn't need instant gratification. 

If it does, have you ever sat in with his therapist/doctor and talked together about things you can do to help his treatment and deal with this?  Is that an option in a few weeks? 

Does he spend money on things you could maybe sell?  A garage sale or craig's list or a local facebook group?  It wouldn't get the full price back but might help bring in some cash to rebuild a bit of savings and start paying down debt. 

Also, don't beat yourself up, clearly you were doing SOMETHING right because you HAD cash in savings for the car repair.  It sucks you had to use it, but that is what you saved it for and if you did it once you can do it again. 

[brokeandscaredae]

Sept 2, 2014 16:45:12 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Sept 2, 2014 15:28:02 GMT -5 brokeandscaredae said:

Does he spend money on things you could maybe sell?  A garage sale or craig's list or a local facebook group?  It wouldn't get the full price back but might help bring in some cash to rebuild a bit of savings and start paying down debt.   

That is one good thing - he does spend money on stuff that holds value, and we have been able to sell a lot of it on eBay.  But he mostly wants to use it to buy other stuff.

I think a big problem I have with him, and I've TOLD him this LOTS of times, is that he still wants to buy stuff even though it's clear we're not in any position to be spoiling ourselves with luxury (meaning nonessential) things.  But that's all he can think about, and I have a hard time not resenting him for it.

[sharknado]

It's Tuesday!

[brokeandscaredae]

Sept 2, 2014 17:07:48 GMT -5 sharknado said:

It's Tuesday!

Glad I could provide your entertainment.

Thanks for that.

[RoxMonster]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Everyone else has given great advice, so I don't feel like I have anything else to add. Just take it one day/one issue at a time. Talk to PP and see if your insurance will cover all/part of the procedure.

[iamali]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Hopefully Planned Parenthood can give you some good options. Surely other women out there have been in your situation, so I think there is a chance you'll get good advice from them.

(((hugs)))

PS - is taking out a loan from your family an option? I know it's probably dreadful to think about (well, it certainly is for me), but desperate times call for desperate measures.

[brokeandscaredae]

I read on the PP website that if it's not past 9 weeks, I should still be able to take the pill. When the lady quoted me, I had told her that I would prefer the pill to the procedure, but I'm not sure for which one she gave me the price range.

I would rather not tell my family about this. I know that there is no options for money from my side, but my h's parents would probably help in a heartbeat. We're still repaying them from a previous time they've helped us out and I really don't want to overuse their generosity. They have been great and I know they would not make me feel guilty at all, but I would not be able to live with myself. If all else fails, they would be a super last resort, but I hope that I can get a credit card shipped in time, or that insurance covers a large portion.

I did want to thank everyone that's taken this seriously and given me thoughtful suggestions. It has helped to type a lot of this out, and there are some new avenues that I can pursue. I really appreciate it.

[styme46]

You've gotten some great advice and help from the others so I'm just here to say I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope you can get things worked out.

(((Hugs)))

[lilafowler]

Big hugs. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

[sunnysally]

I'm not sure where you are located, but in MN there is a program called Pro-Choice Resources that gives grants or no interest loans to women in need of abortions. Check your area to see if there is something similar.

[hisno1girl]

Sept 2, 2014 17:07:48 GMT -5 sharknado said:

It's Tuesday!

As in See You Next Tuesday? Because this is a cuntface comment.