What do you Think of Woman Proposing to Man?

[kitkat1502]

Thoughts on the woman proposing? I've never really been a fan of that, I have a distant acquaintance who has done this. But I always wonder...so you propose then expect him to buy you a ring?? Or you buy yourself a ring?

[Muddled]

A ring is not necessary, you know. You can be engaged without one.

[Deleted]

I think it depends on the couple. I would likely not do it but I could see my brother's gf doing it. I don't see a problem with it though. If I were to do it I would expect a ring.

[kitkat1502]

Sept 11, 2014 17:05:58 GMT -5 Muddled said:

A ring is not necessary, you know. You can be engaged without one.

That's true. The person I know who did this has a ring, so I was wondering for those who did this and have a ring how that went.

[Deleted]

I probably won't have a ring when I get engaged again. I don't think ring semantics are important. Whatever works for a couple is cool with me, I have no problem with a woman proposing.

[jigsy]

I don't see a problem with it, but it seems like most often (not always) women are ready for marriage before men are. I would be concerned that the woman is adding pressure to move forward when it is a really big decision that should be come to independently.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I only marked "I think it's fine but wouldn't consider doing it" because I don't plan to get married again. But ideally, a marriage, a wedding, a proposal - none of that should really be a surprise. It should all be a plan. I don't understand this whole mentality of "I HOPE HE PROPOSES OMG!" No, if you're planning to trust a man, build a life with him, you deserve to have input on every aspect of the relationship. Which means no weird surprise proposals (to me). I am also extremely unromantic, completely not a marriage enthusiast, and I think the woman should chip in on her ring. Stupid as fuck for a man to finance a piece of jewelry before even doing this thing and starting a life together in debt so the lady can have the biggest bauble.

Is it flameworthy Friday yet? This may earn me a good one.

[Muddled]

Sept 11, 2014 17:32:48 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

I only marked "I think it's fine but wouldn't consider doing it" because I don't plan to get married again. But ideally, a marriage, a wedding, a proposal - none of that should really be a surprise. It should all be a plan. I don't understand this whole mentality of "I HOPE HE PROPOSES OMG!" No, if you're planning to trust a man, build a life with him, you deserve to have input on every aspect of the relationship. Which means no weird surprise proposals (to me). I am also extremely unromantic, completely not a marriage enthusiast, and I think the woman should chip in on her ring. Stupid as fuck for a man to finance a piece of jewelry before even doing this thing and starting a life together in debt so the lady can have the biggest bauble.

Is it flameworthy Friday yet? This may earn me a good one.

I completely agree. Marriage should be discussed and decided upon together. Period. A proposal makes a nice story, but the decision should be made before anyone pops the question.

kitkat1502 - It just seemed like the ring was the focus of your question when it's meant to be a symbol of something much bigger, something that doesn't necessarily need such a symbol. If men can be engaged without a ring, why can't women? The answer, of course, is that they can.

[jojoandleo]

For my next marriage, I would totally propose. It would probably be more a discussion, though, like "Hey, wanna get married?" Then go eat pizza and drink champagne to celebrate. I don't wanna do another big wedding. I would probably just do a courthouse thing and go on a honeymoon. The honeymoon is the best part! Anyone who wants to celebrate can come too! But I am not doing like a destination wedding with vows and shit. Just drinking on the beach.

[Deleted]

I picked, "I think it's fine, but wouldn't consider doing it"
Maybe it works for some people.  I guess I'm more traditional or old fashioned about engagement.   I agree with jigsy, that many times the woman is ready earlier than the man.  And I also think more women care about actual weddings than men do.  
In my case, I don't care to have a wedding..ring yes, wedding no.  J is kinda whatever about the whole thing.  He doesn't care for weddings. Relationship happiness means more to him than getting married.  He's cool with getting married, and we have talked about it, but its no rush for him. I'm not in any rush either, but if I had to be totally honest I'd like to have a ring within the next year or two.  

[Deleted]

Sept 11, 2014 17:57:46 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

For my next marriage, I would totally propose. It would probably be more a discussion, though, like "Hey, wanna get married?" Then go eat pizza and drink champagne to celebrate. I don't wanna do another big wedding. I would probably just do a courthouse thing and go on a honeymoon. 

This is exactly my answer. I would not plan a formal proposal but I can totally see myself suggesting we get married. I am about 90% sure I don't want an engagement ring again, either (just a simple band after we're married). So that's really not a concern.

However, the traditional part of me would prefer that he asks me - I just wouldn't let that stop things.

[GilliC]

I would ask if I felt we were both ready. But I would expect it to happen the same way it did with XH:

Neither of us really asked. We just started talking about it, and then we started ring shopping. We shopped together, had discussions about the ring budget (he wanted to spend more than I really thought we needed to), and paid for it with our combined finances.

[Wanderista]

I voted for "it's fine but I wouldn't consider doing it" mainly because I think that people can do what they want. Personally, I am not thinking about marriage right now. I do hope/plan to do it eventually but like having kid(s), it's pretty theoretical at this point for me. I do think it is really good for couples to have a balanced discussion before making that kind of decision but as for the specifics of a proposal, I don't care what people do. 

[WinterIsComing]

I completely agree that a proposal shouldn't come as a surprise to either person. You should have discussions about the direction of your relationship before getting engaged.

With STBXH, we talked about getting married and actually went to look at rings together. I didn't pick a specific ring but he knew exactly what I liked. I didn't know exactly when but I had a pretty good idea of the time frame that he was going to propose.

[stephreloaded]

In my country marriage proposals are not usually as you see them in the US. It is more of a talk and then decision is made. Boom, you are engaged.

I also have no desire to get a ring. I have been engaged twice, I was clear that I didn't want a ring.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 12, 2014 10:32:00 GMT -5 @booby said:

i'll be honest - i think it's weird.

No judgment, honest question-why do you think it is weird? Is it that it's not traditional? Is it because the proposal is a man's job? Is it something else entirely?  I get finding it weird because it just isn't really done here.  And even though I think gender roles are stupid, we still live in a society were a man would be given a lot of shit for being proposed to.  Yeah, the people giving him shit are the ones in the wrong, but it's how our culture is now.

Hence why I would never do a big proposal for a guy, but if I find myself single again and wanting to marry someone, I could see myself suggesting it and going from there, no real proposal from either party.

[redredwine]

Sept 11, 2014 17:25:23 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I don't see a problem with it, but it seems like most often (not always) women are ready for marriage before men are. I would be concerned that the woman is adding pressure to move forward when it is a really big decision that should be come to independently.

I'm here. 

I'd wonder if it was something like "Well, if he's not going to propose/doesn't want to be engaged/doesn't want to get me a ring, I'm going to do it myself!". 

[midnightrae]

I think it depends on the couple. That would not have worked for me and my STBXH. I think it would work with L.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Sept 12, 2014 11:46:04 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 12, 2014 11:02:16 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

No judgment, honest question-why do you think it is weird? Is it that it's not traditional? Is it because the proposal is a man's job? Is it something else entirely?  I get finding it weird because it just isn't really done here.  And even though I think gender roles are stupid, we still live in a society were a man would be given a lot of shit for being proposed to.  Yeah, the people giving him shit are the ones in the wrong, but it's how our culture is now.

Hence why I would never do a big proposal for a guy, but if I find myself single again and wanting to marry someone, I could see myself suggesting it and going from there, no real proposal from either party.

well, are you talking about suggesting it/bringing it up or are you talking about a proposal?  i was talking specifically about the latter.  i just think it's weird b/c it's not really traditional.  not all gender roles are unsavory, you know? 

You're arguing that it's weird because "this is tradition. It's how it's done."?

[jojoandleo]

Sept 12, 2014 11:46:04 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 12, 2014 11:02:16 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

No judgment, honest question-why do you think it is weird? Is it that it's not traditional? Is it because the proposal is a man's job? Is it something else entirely?  I get finding it weird because it just isn't really done here.  And even though I think gender roles are stupid, we still live in a society were a man would be given a lot of shit for being proposed to.  Yeah, the people giving him shit are the ones in the wrong, but it's how our culture is now.

Hence why I would never do a big proposal for a guy, but if I find myself single again and wanting to marry someone, I could see myself suggesting it and going from there, no real proposal from either party.

well, are you talking about suggesting it/bringing it up or are you talking about a proposal?  i was talking specifically about the latter.  i just think it's weird b/c it's not really traditional.  not all gender roles are unsavory, you know? 

Meh, I don't like any gender roles. I don't like defining what I should or should not do based on what's between my legs. I'm not sitting here yelling at men who open doors for me or pay for dates, but I don't think they HAVE to just because I have a vagina.

[gozf]

All I know is, this thread has me daydreaming about what would happen if I lured Thor to our local minor league baseball stadium, and then did some huge proposal involving mascots and the jumbotron and the Cotton Eye Joe, and how he would have a thousand panic attacks and then never speak to me again.

And I am cracking up.

[gozf]

Sept 12, 2014 13:15:21 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 12, 2014 12:52:32 GMT -5 gozf said:

All I know is, this thread has me daydreaming about what would happen if I lured Thor to our local minor league baseball stadium, and then did some huge proposal involving mascots and the jumbotron and the Cotton Eye Joe, and how he would have a thousand panic attacks and then never speak to me again.

And I am cracking up.

you just need to break down those gender role walls, gozf.  and then?  JUMBOTRON IS ON.  like donkey kong.

And then I'll make him do my laundry.

Just kidding!  That fucker doesn't sort.  My whites would be RUINED.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 12, 2014 13:33:54 GMT -5 gozf said:

Sept 12, 2014 13:15:21 GMT -5 @booby said:

you just need to break down those gender role walls, gozf.  and then?  JUMBOTRON IS ON.  like donkey kong.

And then I'll make him do my laundry.

Just kidding!  That fucker doesn't sort.  My whites would be RUINED.

H does my laundry...

[gozf]

Sept 12, 2014 14:40:08 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Sept 12, 2014 13:33:54 GMT -5 gozf said:

And then I'll make him do my laundry.

Just kidding!  That fucker doesn't sort.  My whites would be RUINED.

H does my laundry...

My exH used to do mine.

Believe me, I wish someone would do my laundry again.  But Thor cannot be trusted!

[GilliC]

Sept 12, 2014 11:46:04 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 12, 2014 11:02:16 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

No judgment, honest question-why do you think it is weird? Is it that it's not traditional? Is it because the proposal is a man's job? Is it something else entirely?  I get finding it weird because it just isn't really done here.  And even though I think gender roles are stupid, we still live in a society were a man would be given a lot of shit for being proposed to.  Yeah, the people giving him shit are the ones in the wrong, but it's how our culture is now.

Hence why I would never do a big proposal for a guy, but if I find myself single again and wanting to marry someone, I could see myself suggesting it and going from there, no real proposal from either party.

well, are you talking about suggesting it/bringing it up or are you talking about a proposal?  i was talking specifically about the latter.  i just think it's weird b/c it's not really traditional.  not all gender roles are unsavory, you know? 

Aren't these the same thing?

[GilliC]

Sept 12, 2014 17:57:36 GMT -5 @booby said:

Sept 12, 2014 15:51:51 GMT -5 GilliC said:

Aren't these the same thing?

No.

Oh. I guess in that case, I wouldn't want to be involved in a proposal at all, on either side. I vastly prefer, "What do you say to getting married?" Or "Will you marry me?" And having the option to say something like "Maybe someday, but not yet," over some kind of ultimatum.

I guess I should change my poll vote, because I would never "propose" to a guy without it being a question that could be discussed.

[achase123]

I would be fine with coming to the agreement together, picking out the ring together but the actual proposal (getting down on one knee, etc.) I would still want my soon-to-be husband to do that. I guess that's the part of the "tradition" that I would want to have take place.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Sept 13, 2014 10:14:29 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I would be fine with coming to the agreement together, picking out the ring together but the actual proposal (getting down on one knee, etc.) I would still want my soon-to-be husband to do that. I guess that's the part of the "tradition" that I would want to have take place.

As far as I'm concerned, the discussion/agreement would be all it takes, no formal proposal necessary. I know it's an individual preference, and some ladies want the formal proposal, and that's fine. But, I think that if the woman were to bring it up, and they both agreed, that kind of takes the place of a formal proposal from a woman, where if it's coming from a guy, more of a production is expected. I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable formally proposing to my guy, and I'd probably judge a woman for doing it, even though I like to think that there's no reason she can't be the one to do it. Also, since the proposal is usually followed by a ring that the guy buys for the woman, it seems weird for the woman to propose and the guy accept, but then the guy buys the ring.

I don't know if I'm saying it clearly. I guess it comes down to who is expected to make the big presentation, and if it's equally accepted regardless of who is proposing and who's being proposed to.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2014 3:33:05 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

Sept 13, 2014 10:14:29 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I would be fine with coming to the agreement together, picking out the ring together but the actual proposal (getting down on one knee, etc.) I would still want my soon-to-be husband to do that. I guess that's the part of the "tradition" that I would want to have take place.

I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable formally proposing to my guy, and I'd probably judge a woman for doing it,

What would you be judging her for?

[Mrs.Rad888]

Sept 14, 2014 12:15:27 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Sept 14, 2014 3:33:05 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable formally proposing to my guy, and I'd probably judge a woman for doing it,

What would you be judging her for?

Well, I'd like to think that I wouldn't judge, but I'd probably be thinking that she's chasing after a guy that's not interested in getting married. Or that she's jumping the gun. Or that she's desperate.
I know it's wrong, and that's it's none of my business, but that stuff would probably pop into my head in about a second, then I'd feel bad for thinking that stuff about a situation I know absolutely nothing about.