I need hair pats from a mom with grown kids

[BunnyMacDougal]

Tell me things will get better.   

I think I'm way over-committed and doing everything badly.  I guess most moms feel this way sometimes.  I really just want to say fuckitall and cancel the kid's activities, quit teaching and send kid to public school.  I want to give up.  This role in the family is NOT fucking easy.   ****whine****

[Deleted]

It's not too late to put them up for adoption!

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Mine aren't grown, but I'll give you Hair Pats of Commiseration. Shit is HARD. I want to pull K out of cheer and both girls out of dance SO bad, things would be so much easier. And not work. Or be in college. Or all this volunteer shit.

KOKO/you go girl/colors of the world/etc

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 21:29:43 GMT -5 @porcupine said:

It's not too late to put them up for adoption!

Hey that's not hair pats!

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 21:30:31 GMT -5 Ohhmm(bligo) said:

Mine aren't grown, but I'll give you Hair Pats of Commiseration. Shit is HARD. I want to pull K out of cheer and both girls out of dance SO bad, things would be so much easier. And not work. Or be in college. Or all this volunteer shit.

KOKO/you go girl/colors of the world/etc

Thank you!   

[shell24]

My kids are in way too many activities. And I've got 3 if them! My H loves to have them in a ton of things but then I'm the one who carts them all over the place.

DD1 has gymnastics once a week, swimming 2x a week, violin and soccer, which has a practice and a game. DS has hockey 2x a week, swimming once a week and soccer 2x a week for him as well. That's all on top of their school.
DD2 has gymboree and swimming.

It's a freaking juggling act to get the schedules worked out. I'm always stressed I'm forgetting something or someone. I haven't yet, but I know at some point I'm going to forget a kid somewhere. It's inevitable.

[lilac05]

No grown kids, but I hear things will get better.

That said, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back and trying to find something(s) you can do to simplify your life, if you feel it's truly needed. There's no award for Busiest/Most Stressed Mom, contrary to what society likes to make us think!

[gretchenindisguise]

When I was reading all that you have your kid enrolled in, I was feeling overwhelmed for you.

It's ok to cut back.

We were doing 3 activities a night (swim on Mondays - gymnastics on Tues/Thurs) and we just cut back to two. And that was with an able bodied H who was able to bring her to one of the activities and us splitting dinners on days the other one was at the activity.

We pared back when L started kindergarten and haven't looked back yet.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 21:38:13 GMT -5 @smace said:

Sept 14, 2014 21:37:09 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

Um. Do you consider sending kid to public school as a failure?

yes! all those dummies go to Kommunity Kollege. WHAT A WASTE!

Um, no.  I got the job offer that pays tuition remission and bust my ass doing licensing and new teaching in order for her to go there.  It gets in the gd way of caretaking of H.

I'd like to drop it all.  I really mean I feel like sending her to the free school and stopping working.

[tinybride]

Not sure how old your kid is, but my oldest is 11 (others: 1 and a half & 3) and I stay home but could not/would not home school her. Hats off to you. Hang in there. Sometimes these kids are turds.

[missmaddie]

I felt overwhelmed for you last week when you were discussing extracurriculars in regard to your MIL driving. That's a lot of coordinating.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 21:39:10 GMT -5 shell24 said:

My kids are in way too many activities. And I've got 3 if them! My H loves to have them in a ton of things but then I'm the one who carts them all over the place.

DD1 has gymnastics once a week, swimming 2x a week, violin and soccer, which has a practice and a game. DS has hockey 2x a week, swimming once a week and soccer 2x a week for him as well. That's all on top of their school.
DD2 has gymboree and swimming.

It's a freaking juggling act to get the schedules worked out. I'm always stressed I'm forgetting something or someone. I haven't yet, but I know at some point I'm going to forget a kid somewhere. It's inevitable.

Yeah, I don't know why the fuck she's in so many.  I mean each one had a great reason behind starting it.  Even the school she goes to.  But I'm only one person.  

This is all brought to you this evening by the fact that she snapped her new violin in half tonight because someone came in our yard, our dog barked, and she ran down the hall violin in hand.  Have to notify teacher b/c I can't replace or do anything about it until lesson time starts.  And its a group lesson, so I don't want to swirl in there like a cyclone with my side issue of a broken violin.  Skip the lesson?  What the fuck ever - just skip it all.   

[shell24]

Oh no . I'm sorry about the violin. Do you rent it? If so, call the teacher ahead of time and they could maybe have a new one ready before her lesson.


I used to think I thrive on chaos but it's a little too much these days. Thank goodness soccer ends in a month.

[hopecounts]

deep breath.
tell your daughter she can do 1 or 2 activities and she has to pick which one(s) she wants to do (assuming she is old enough) and then cut back.
extras can be fun and can be good for kids but 1 is plenty.

[Pixiehollow]

Honestly, tonight I was thinking of the week ahead and I just feel this stress and I thought to myself that motherhood is so damn hard. I seriously feel like i f$&@ up very day. Maybe a few times a year I go to bed thinking, "I rocked today". I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 21:54:03 GMT -5 shell24 said:

Oh no . I'm sorry about the violin. Do you rent it? If so, call the teacher ahead of time and they could maybe have a new one ready before her lesson.


I used to think I thrive on chaos but it's a little too much these days. Thank goodness soccer ends in a month.

Thank you, and all of you, for being so kind.  I know my neuroses is on frequent display on this board.  I really appreciate the kind words.

We did rent the violin.  Our plan was to rent it until she went up one size then buy.  Great plan, huh?  $600 three day rental - worth it, huh?

[Pixiehollow]

Also - dont be afraid to cut back. We had my oldest registered in daisy scouts, dance, gymnastics, soccer and hip hop. The first week she said - you mean it's always going to be like this? Granted soccer is Only 6 weeks and daisy scouts is twice a month. We said yes and sat down w a calendar and spelled out the month for her. She said, " I want to drop hip hop" and hasn't looked back. I was like phew!!!!! Honestly I wish that at this age places would offer like 6-8 weeks of something. Like 6 weeks of hop hop and see if she liked it. Take piano only for the summer etc. but no - everything is sign up for the year!!

[shell24]

Sept 14, 2014 21:57:05 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Sept 14, 2014 21:54:03 GMT -5 shell24 said:

Oh no . I'm sorry about the violin. Do you rent it? If so, call the teacher ahead of time and they could maybe have a new one ready before her lesson.


I used to think I thrive on chaos but it's a little too much these days. Thank goodness soccer ends in a month.

Thank you, and all of you, for being so kind.  I know my neuroses is on frequent display on this board.  I really appreciate the kind words.

We did rent the violin.  Our plan was to rent it until she went up one size then buy.  Great plan, huh?  $600 three day rental - worth it, huh?

OMG! We pay $20 a month. How long do you think you'll get out of the current size?

The good thing about renting is that it should have insurance on it so hopefully you won't be responsible for anything.
If you're normally ok with the load you carry, take some deep breaths tonight and don't worry about the violin. That's an easy fix actually
If you're starting to feel continually overwhelmed it's totally ok to reevaluate and make some changes!

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 22:06:40 GMT -5 shell24 said:

Sept 14, 2014 21:57:05 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Thank you, and all of you, for being so kind.  I know my neuroses is on frequent display on this board.  I really appreciate the kind words.

We did rent the violin.  Our plan was to rent it until she went up one size then buy.  Great plan, huh?  $600 three day rental - worth it, huh?

OMG! We pay $20 a month. How long do you think you'll get out of the current size?

The good thing about renting is that it should have insurance on it so hopefully you won't be responsible for anything.
If you're normally ok with the load you carry, take some deep breaths tonight and don't worry about the violin. That's an easy fix actually
If you're starting to feel continually overwhelmed it's totally ok to reevaluate and make some changes!

Our rental was $50 per month.  The lease agreement said we pay the value of the violin $570 and/or repairs.  She snapped the fingerboard off and into two pieces.  Third piece being the front and back of the violin.  Its fuked.    So I'm assuming we pay for the violin and end up with nada.  No skills learned, no instrument.  Just shame.

I see where you advise to take some deep breaths.  Its good advice.  Might take me few hours....

[cbwm1]

Based on the schedule you posted the other day during your MIL rant, I was panicking at the thought of all of the shit you've got your daughter doing. I'd work with her to narrow it down to one or two activities (preferably one) and call it a day.

[speckledfrog]

Sept 14, 2014 22:26:06 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Sept 14, 2014 22:06:40 GMT -5 shell24 said:

OMG! We pay $20 a month. How long do you think you'll get out of the current size?

The good thing about renting is that it should have insurance on it so hopefully you won't be responsible for anything.
If you're normally ok with the load you carry, take some deep breaths tonight and don't worry about the violin. That's an easy fix actually
If you're starting to feel continually overwhelmed it's totally ok to reevaluate and make some changes!

Our rental was $50 per month.  The lease agreement said we pay the value of the violin $570 and/or repairs.  She snapped the fingerboard off and into two pieces.  Third piece being the front and back of the violin.  Its fuked.    So I'm assuming we pay for the violin and end up with nada.  No skills learned, no instrument.  Just shame.

I see where you advise to take some deep breaths.  Its good advice.  Might take me few hours....

This is a sign from the heavens.  No more violin.  Try again next year.

[thejen626]

Sept 14, 2014 22:31:43 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Make some changes. One activity per kid at a time, period. Motherhood is not about racing around in a car with your kids in the backseat while you shuttle them here and there.
I don't know what it's about, but that's not what it's about. Slow down; they get one childhood.

Seriously, this. Sue Sue is wise, listen to her.

[mrsjuleshs]

I only have the 1 and she's a sophomore in high school. She's a school cheerleader and in competitive cheer. Our typical week is she has school cheer last period with volleyball games on most Tuesdays after school, some Fridays especially if varsity is playing and the varsity football game is the same day. Jv games are typically Thursday nights. Competitive cheer practice is Sunday 12-4, Monday 7-9 pm about 45 minutes away, and Wednesday 7-9 about 20 minutes away. She's been blocking on tumbling anything more than a tuck so now we are trying to work in privates or a Saturday class. Some families have 2-4 kids in the sport and I can't imagine their schedule because ours is exhausting. She gets her license next year so that helps but for now, I'm exhausted. Luckily we do have a carpool for the far gym so it helps.

[WOT?*]

I have grown kids and am working on the next generation of 'em. I didn't have the kids in as many extracurriculars because we didn't have the money, I didn't have the time and XH didn't have the motivation (especially with four of them. He made time when he had one with his current wife though, as well as time for hers to go through stuff. Hmph.)

We have Scouts on Mondays (we alternate Mondays so Kidlet is first and third, Kiddo is second and fourth) and we just started gymnastics on Wednesdays. The girls just started counseling which will be on different days each week for each of them since they have different counselors (yay). I'm the troop leader for both troops and also on the PTA board and volunteer at the schools (both classes and the school at large, plus Junior Achievement and Art Docent). They want music lessons which I will be doing for them as Christmas gifts (I'll be buying a guitar for older and drum set for younger, plus lessons. I wanted the materials to be gifts since they're not going to be cheap. Electronic drums at about $700 for the set and the guitar for Kiddo is about $300 plus all the accoutrement and the lessons.) Kiddo wants to start horseback riding lessons again and they need to go back into swimming. To get some of this to fit into their schedules we've dropped dance, but now they want to do cheer next year as well.

It does get better. You can slow down, take her out of some activities or wait until she graduates (or at least gets her license and can drive herself to some of her activities). But at some point it does slow down

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 14, 2014 23:00:22 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

I have grown kids and am working on the next generation of 'em. I didn't have the kids in as many extracurriculars because we didn't have the money, I didn't have the time and XH didn't have the motivation (especially with four of them. He made time when he had one with his current wife though, as well as time for hers to go through stuff. Hmph.)

We have Scouts on Mondays (we alternate Mondays so Kidlet is first and third, Kiddo is second and fourth) and we just started gymnastics on Wednesdays. The girls just started counseling which will be on different days each week for each of them since they have different counselors (yay). I'm the troop leader for both troops and also on the PTA board and volunteer at the schools (both classes and the school at large, plus Junior Achievement and Art Docent). They want music lessons which I will be doing for them as Christmas gifts (I'll be buying a guitar for older and drum set for younger, plus lessons. I wanted the materials to be gifts since they're not going to be cheap. Electronic drums at about $700 for the set and the guitar for Kiddo is about $300 plus all the accoutrement and the lessons.) Kiddo wants to start horseback riding lessons again and they need to go back into swimming. To get some of this to fit into their schedules we've dropped dance, but now they want to do cheer next year as well.

It does get better. You can slow down, take her out of some activities or wait until she graduates (or at least gets her license and can drive herself to some of her activities). But at some point it does slow down

My mom had me in so much stuff as a kid.  Year round stuff.  And she worked full time.  I do feel like a bit of a slacker paring activities down, but am resolved to do it anyway.  But I do feel like some of the activities have to start young to be something they are skilled in when they're older.  I mean, I'm not making that up am I?  DD's little friend takes violin from the same teacher.  They are the same age.  Friend started at 3 and plays like a champ.  DD played a piece of cardboard and then busted the real thing in 3 days!!!!!  I'll have to ask the friend's mom how many friend busted up between then and now for an accurate comparison.   lol.  I think I'm starting to see less red now.  Thank you

[Deleted]

Maybe she should play a trumpet or something harder to break!

Hang in there and it's totally okay if your family situation requires you to slow down.

Unless you're thinking your daughter is going to be a pro athlete, musician, whatever, it's totally okay to take a year off.

[hopecounts]

Sept 14, 2014 23:06:03 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Sept 14, 2014 23:00:22 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

I have grown kids and am working on the next generation of 'em. I didn't have the kids in as many extracurriculars because we didn't have the money, I didn't have the time and XH didn't have the motivation (especially with four of them. He made time when he had one with his current wife though, as well as time for hers to go through stuff. Hmph.)

We have Scouts on Mondays (we alternate Mondays so Kidlet is first and third, Kiddo is second and fourth) and we just started gymnastics on Wednesdays. The girls just started counseling which will be on different days each week for each of them since they have different counselors (yay). I'm the troop leader for both troops and also on the PTA board and volunteer at the schools (both classes and the school at large, plus Junior Achievement and Art Docent). They want music lessons which I will be doing for them as Christmas gifts (I'll be buying a guitar for older and drum set for younger, plus lessons. I wanted the materials to be gifts since they're not going to be cheap. Electronic drums at about $700 for the set and the guitar for Kiddo is about $300 plus all the accoutrement and the lessons.) Kiddo wants to start horseback riding lessons again and they need to go back into swimming. To get some of this to fit into their schedules we've dropped dance, but now they want to do cheer next year as well.

It does get better. You can slow down, take her out of some activities or wait until she graduates (or at least gets her license and can drive herself to some of her activities). But at some point it does slow down

My mom had me in so much stuff as a kid.  Year round stuff.  And she worked full time.  I do feel like a bit of a slacker paring activities down, but am resolved to do it anyway.  But I do feel like some of the activities have to start young to be something they are skilled in when they're older.  I mean, I'm not making that up am I?  DD's little friend takes violin from the same teacher.  They are the same age.  Friend started at 3 and plays like a champ.  DD played a piece of cardboard and then busted the real thing in 3 days!!!!!  I'll have to ask the friend's mom how many friend busted up between then and now for an accurate comparison.   lol.  I think I'm starting to see less red now.  Thank you

Don't feel like she has to do everything now or she won't have the skills.
Because honestly unless the activity is going to be a career (which is highly unlikely and if she does decide it is an interest she can put in the time and effort when she is a little older and catch up fine) she will be just as skilled if she starts at 10 as if she starts at 5 (or however old she is). 
the fact that she was not more careful makes me doubt how much she particularly cares about the violin lessons why force it if it isn't something that she really wants to do. 
Let her have an activity she really wants to do and then time to just be a kid and play.

[copperboom]

Sept 14, 2014 23:06:03 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Sept 14, 2014 23:00:22 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

I have grown kids and am working on the next generation of 'em. I didn't have the kids in as many extracurriculars because we didn't have the money, I didn't have the time and XH didn't have the motivation (especially with four of them. He made time when he had one with his current wife though, as well as time for hers to go through stuff. Hmph.)

We have Scouts on Mondays (we alternate Mondays so Kidlet is first and third, Kiddo is second and fourth) and we just started gymnastics on Wednesdays. The girls just started counseling which will be on different days each week for each of them since they have different counselors (yay). I'm the troop leader for both troops and also on the PTA board and volunteer at the schools (both classes and the school at large, plus Junior Achievement and Art Docent). They want music lessons which I will be doing for them as Christmas gifts (I'll be buying a guitar for older and drum set for younger, plus lessons. I wanted the materials to be gifts since they're not going to be cheap. Electronic drums at about $700 for the set and the guitar for Kiddo is about $300 plus all the accoutrement and the lessons.) Kiddo wants to start horseback riding lessons again and they need to go back into swimming. To get some of this to fit into their schedules we've dropped dance, but now they want to do cheer next year as well.

It does get better. You can slow down, take her out of some activities or wait until she graduates (or at least gets her license and can drive herself to some of her activities). But at some point it does slow down

My mom had me in so much stuff as a kid.  Year round stuff.  And she worked full time.  I do feel like a bit of a slacker paring activities down, but am resolved to do it anyway.  But I do feel like some of the activities have to start young to be something they are skilled in when they're older.  I mean, I'm not making that up am I?  DD's little friend takes violin from the same teacher.  They are the same age.  Friend started at 3 and plays like a champ.  DD played a piece of cardboard and then busted the real thing in 3 days!!!!!  I'll have to ask the friend's mom how many friend busted up between then and now for an accurate comparison.   lol.  I think I'm starting to see less red now.  Thank you

Okay, but did your dad require the caretaking that your H does? You have more on your plate than most and there's no shame in scaling back. Does it really matter if she's a skilled violin player when she's older? Pick one or two activities that she loves the most, and drop the rest. 

[BunnyMacDougal]

Sept 15, 2014 8:38:55 GMT -5 copperboom said:

Sept 14, 2014 23:06:03 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

My mom had me in so much stuff as a kid.  Year round stuff.  And she worked full time.  I do feel like a bit of a slacker paring activities down, but am resolved to do it anyway.  But I do feel like some of the activities have to start young to be something they are skilled in when they're older.  I mean, I'm not making that up am I?  DD's little friend takes violin from the same teacher.  They are the same age.  Friend started at 3 and plays like a champ.  DD played a piece of cardboard and then busted the real thing in 3 days!!!!!  I'll have to ask the friend's mom how many friend busted up between then and now for an accurate comparison.   lol.  I think I'm starting to see less red now.  Thank you

Okay, but did your dad require the caretaking that your H does? You have more on your plate than most and there's no shame in scaling back. Does it really matter if she's a skilled violin player when she's older? Pick one or two activities that she loves the most, and drop the rest. 

She does actually happen to love it.  She was devastated she broke the violin.  And she called her grandmother (my mom) to cry about it.  She is still sad today.  Her lesson is going on as I type.  I called the teacher and arranged to bring the violin, payment, and discuss what to do going forward after the group lessons end in an hour and a half.  I don't know what to do, honestly.