I am wondering if anyone can share their experiences on this. I have two young girls, 3 and 5. I have been with my boyfriend for about year and we have discussed moving in together sometime next year. He doesn't have any kids. He's met my kids and has spent time with them and they get along great.
As I've thought about us moving in together, I've been thinking of how parenting works in these situations. Obviously it will take some time for him to get comfortable with having kids around all the time but I guess I am just curious how everything works.
If you've dealt with this before....does he act like a father figure? And by that, I don't mean replacing their actual father at all but does he get involved with the kids? I'm just kind of at a loss of what to expect their relationship to be like, at least at the beginning. Sorry if that is kind of vague, it's hard to put my thoughts and questions into words.
FWIW, we have talked about getting married but that would happen farther in the future.
Post by prettyinpearls on Sept 15, 2014 11:43:12 GMT -5
I didn’t move in with my current H until we were engaged and there was a wedding date set. I’d urge you to consider doing the same.
I made the transition gradually. I started by bringing a few boxes of toys and a PnP to my H’s house and B and I would hang out there for the entire day on the weekend. (B was 2 at the time). B would take naps in what was going to be his new room and this allowed him to get used to it. When we did move in, the transition was seamless since he was familiar with the surroundings.
As far as parenting goes, you’re the parent. End of story. Sit down with your BF and have a frank discussion about boundaries and expectations.
Post by prettyinpearls on Sept 15, 2014 11:43:58 GMT -5
What do you mean by “get involved with the kids”? Are you talking about day-to-day care (baths, picking up from school, etc.) or are you talking about punishments and parenting decisions. That would sway my answer to that part of your question.
This question can be very tricky to answer because everyone's relationship and parenting situation is different. IF you are discussing getting married, why is it "farther in the future" and what time frame is "farther"? If there is any fear of commitment in there I would say do not move in. My personal opinion is you should be in it for the long haul (meaning you feel as sure as one can be about you staying together, married or not) if you are making him an everyday part of your child's life.
Have you discussed parenting style? Because, YES, no matter how you slice it if you are living together he will be parenting your children on some level. Do you know feel comfortable leaving your children with him for long or short periods of time? How much time does he spend with them now? How do your children feel about this? (not that is is their decision, but your should at least discuss their feelings.)
This question can be very tricky to answer because everyone's relationship and parenting situation is different. IF you are discussing getting married, why is it "farther in the future" and what time frame is "farther"? If there is any fear of commitment in there I would say do not move in. My personal opinion is you should be in it for the long haul (meaning you feel as sure as one can be about you staying together, married or not) if you are making him an everyday part of your child's life.
Have you discussed parenting style? Because, YES, no matter how you slice it if you are living together he will be parenting your children on some level. Do you know feel comfortable leaving your children with him for long or short periods of time? How much time does he spend with them now? How do your children feel about this? (not that is is their decision, but your should at least discuss their feelings.)
We are just not in a rush to get married. Farther in the future would be 2-3 years. Absolutely no fear of commitment from either of us. We know we want to be together and get married.
We have somewhat discussed parenting but probably should more prior to moving in together. He comes over for dinner 1-2 times a week and we do things together on some of the weekends I have the kids. I've asked my 5 year old how she feels about him and she says she likes him and he's fun (he plays and runs around with them).
I guess I just don't know what to expect his relationship with my kids to look like. Obviously, I'm their mom and I'll be the one taking care of them (just as I do now as a single parent) but it will also be his home and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable at the same time.
I guess I don't know what I mean by that....that's what I'm trying to figure out.
In my situation, H was very hands on with B from the very beginning of us living together. He would help me out with baths, preparing meals, diaper changes, etc. just like a “real” dad would do for their child. He also played with him and had 1-on-1 time with him, which is something I attribute to them being so close today, 3.5 years later.
When it came to punishments or timeouts and both of us were home, that was my doing. If B was acting up while in H’s care and I wasn’t home, he would be the one to put him in time out. It’s completely ineffective for a 2 y/o to be punished when mom got home for something he did an hour ago.
My best suggestion is to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING. From how you’ll manage household responsibilities to finances to behavior challenges with the kids to schedules.
This question can be very tricky to answer because everyone's relationship and parenting situation is different. IF you are discussing getting married, why is it "farther in the future" and what time frame is "farther"? If there is any fear of commitment in there I would say do not move in. My personal opinion is you should be in it for the long haul (meaning you feel as sure as one can be about you staying together, married or not) if you are making him an everyday part of your child's life.
Have you discussed parenting style? Because, YES, no matter how you slice it if you are living together he will be parenting your children on some level. Do you know feel comfortable leaving your children with him for long or short periods of time? How much time does he spend with them now? How do your children feel about this? (not that is is their decision, but your should at least discuss their feelings.)
We are just not in a rush to get married. Farther in the future would be 2-3 years. Absolutely no fear of commitment from either of us. We know we want to be together and get married.
We have somewhat discussed parenting but probably should more prior to moving in together. He comes over for dinner 1-2 times a week and we do things together on some of the weekends I have the kids. I've asked my 5 year old how she feels about him and she says she likes him and he's fun (he plays and runs around with them).
I guess I just don't know what to expect his relationship with my kids to look like. Obviously, I'm their mom and I'll be the one taking care of them (just as I do now as a single parent) but it will also be his home and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable at the same time.
ETA missing word
Based on this, I think there is some real thinking about what the future is going to look like.
Until you have real discussions about it, I think you need to put the brakes on a little. Because he will discipline. He will get them ready for school. He will feed them. You will make decisions together. Otherwise, why move in together? Stay living separate until you get married or he puts a ring on it.
You aren't playing house. It will be an OUR home. Not a his home with you and your kids crashing.
I guess I don't know what I mean by that....that's what I'm trying to figure out.
In my situation, H was very hands on with B from the very beginning of us living together. He would help me out with baths, preparing meals, diaper changes, etc. just like a “real” dad would do for their child. He also played with him and had 1-on-1 time with him, which is something I attribute to them being so close today, 3.5 years later.
When it came to punishments or timeouts and both of us were home, that was my doing. If B was acting up while in H’s care and I wasn’t home, he would be the one to put him in time out. It’s completely ineffective for a 2 y/o to be punished when mom got home for something he did an hour ago.
My best suggestion is to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING. From how you’ll manage household responsibilities to finances to behavior challenges with the kids to schedules.
Thanks! This is very helpful. Lots of things to think through and discuss before we take the step of moving in together.
Post by formerlyak on Sept 15, 2014 12:15:10 GMT -5
If you are thinking of moving in together, the relationship your kids have with your bf shouldn't need to be defined. It should already be defined. What I mean by that, is if you are going to take that step, you should have spent enough time together with your kids that you already know that they have a relationship and what that looks like.
As far as actual parenting goes, my cousin's therapist used the phrase "step parents, step back." To her this meant that unless there was immediate danger to the child, you needed to do the disciplining. There are times that dh will remind ds, "DS, what would your mom say about that?" But he does stick to my rules and lets me discipline ds. As far as things like homework, reading before bed, etc., for us that has kind of been organic. I do the bulk, but if ds needs help and I am in the shower or have a work meeting in the evening or whatever, he doesn't hesitate to ask dh. And apparently of all the people who help ds with homework (me, dh, ex, my mom), I am the most strict, so dh will even text a photo of the homework to me sometimes to see if it is "mommy approved" instead of arguing with ds about it. I appreciate that.
If I have to work late or if I am feeding our baby, dh will turn the shower on for ds or help him with whatever, but with things like that ds is pretty self sufficient because he is 8.
As far as the logistics of moving in go, we were moving in to dh's (then bf's) house because he owned and I rented. At first, we did some sleep overs with then bf in my house so ds got used to having him around. Then ds and I spent day time on the weekends with then bf at his house. Then we did a sleep over at his house with ds and I both sleeping in the room that would eventually become ds'. We did that a few times. Then we did a sleep over where I slept in the master with then bf and ds slept in what would be his room. The few weekends before we actually moved in, we spent the whole weekend there. So when we moved in, ds was quite ready. In fact, we may have gone a little too slowly, because ds was like, "When do we finally get to move in?" I figure better to have him eager to make the move than to do it too quickly.
DH and I were not engaged when we moved in together, but we did have a pretty solid timeline of when that would happen and when we'd get married. He wanted to wait until after his sister got married to get engaged as to not steal her thunder and I wanted a plan before we moved in together. So that's what we did. We were engaged 5 months after we moved in together (2 weeks after his sister's wedding) and got married the next year.
Good luck. Remember that in these situations, slow and steady win the race.
We are just not in a rush to get married. Farther in the future would be 2-3 years. Absolutely no fear of commitment from either of us. We know we want to be together and get married.
We have somewhat discussed parenting but probably should more prior to moving in together. He comes over for dinner 1-2 times a week and we do things together on some of the weekends I have the kids. I've asked my 5 year old how she feels about him and she says she likes him and he's fun (he plays and runs around with them).
I guess I just don't know what to expect his relationship with my kids to look like. Obviously, I'm their mom and I'll be the one taking care of them (just as I do now as a single parent) but it will also be his home and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable at the same time.
ETA missing word
Based on this, I think there is some real thinking about what the future is going to look like.
Until you have real discussions about it, I think you need to put the brakes on a little. Because he will discipline. He will get them ready for school. He will feed them. You will make decisions together. Otherwise, why move in together? Stay living separate until you get married or he puts a ring on it.
You aren't playing house. It will be an OUR home. Not a his home with you and your kids crashing.
Slow the roll a little. No penalties for that.
I don't think my post is coming across how things are going in my head. I guess I just don't want to expect him to do something with/for my kids and be out of line in my thinking. I am just trying to get an idea of how it works for other people and what I can expect. We have talked about many things, just not ironed anything out.
I'm not looking to play house. I am looking to share my life with my boyfriend, who I do want to be my husband in the future.
If you are thinking of moving in together, the relationship your kids have with your bf shouldn't need to be defined. It should already be defined. What I mean by that, is if you are going to take that step, you should have spent enough time together with your kids that you already know that they have a relationship and what that looks like.
As far as actual parenting goes, my cousin's therapist used the phrase "step parents, step back." To her this meant that unless there was immediate danger to the child, you needed to do the disciplining. There are times that dh will remind ds, "DS, what would your mom say about that?" But he does stick to my rules and lets me discipline ds. As far as things like homework, reading before bed, etc., for us that has kind of been organic. I do the bulk, but if ds needs help and I am in the shower or have a work meeting in the evening or whatever, he doesn't hesitate to ask dh. And apparently of all the people who help ds with homework (me, dh, ex, my mom), I am the most strict, so dh will even text a photo of the homework to me sometimes to see if it is "mommy approved" instead of arguing with ds about it. I appreciate that.
If I have to work late or if I am feeding our baby, dh will turn the shower on for ds or help him with whatever, but with things like that ds is pretty self sufficient because he is 8.
As far as the logistics of moving in go, we were moving in to dh's (then bf's) house because he owned and I rented. At first, we did some sleep overs with then bf in my house so ds got used to having him around. Then ds and I spent day time on the weekends with then bf at his house. Then we did a sleep over at his house with ds and I both sleeping in the room that would eventually become ds'. We did that a few times. Then we did a sleep over where I slept in the master with then bf and ds slept in what would be his room. The few weekends before we actually moved in, we spent the whole weekend there. So when we moved in, ds was quite ready. In fact, we may have gone a little too slowly, because ds was like, "When do we finally get to move in?" I figure better to have him eager to make the move than to do it too quickly.
DH and I were not engaged when we moved in together, but we did have a pretty solid timeline of when that would happen and when we'd get married. He wanted to wait until after his sister got married to get engaged as to not steal her thunder and I wanted a plan before we moved in together. So that's what we did. We were engaged 5 months after we moved in together (2 weeks after his sister's wedding) and got married the next year.
Good luck. Remember that in these situations, slow and steady win the race.
This is also very helpful, thanks! I guess I just needed an idea of how much he would be expected to help out (or what's "normal" for this kind of situation). I want him to be a part of our family but I also know that my kids aren't his kids so I don't want to push him into what he may not be comfortable doing in terms of basic parenting. But then that's something we do need to really discuss before moving forward with anything.
My FI does everything except bath are 98% me, he does help clean her up after rare potty accidents. Since DD was almost 4 when FI moved in it was just more comfortable for DD to have me take care of baths.
The transition with discipline was slow. DD was not used to a man correcting her (my dad does try, but he is a softy!) so she would get upset no matter how calm and low FI's voice was at first. I took care of time outs and taking away privileges for the first few months. Now we are on an even playing field.
Like PIP said, FI and I talked about EVERYTHING before he moved in and made adjustments when needed when it became a reality.
Post by jellymankelly on Sept 15, 2014 12:30:00 GMT -5
All of the commentary on this is really interesting. If you've done this, was it hard to let someone else help with your kids? BF and I are nowhere near moving in together because I dont know when I'll ever be able to wrap my brain around letting someone else help me with the kids. Even now, if he has to sit at a restaurant table with my 8 year old while I take my 4 year old to the bathroom, I feel like I'm dumping my responsibilities on him. (He doesn't feel this way - it's 100% my issue.) I've joked that maybe I will just move to a house on his street and we can be neighbors forever, rather than ever moving in/getting married. I wish I could ease up on that control a little bit!
All of the commentary on this is really interesting. If you've done this, was it hard to let someone else help with your kids? BF and I are nowhere near moving in together because I dont know when I'll ever be able to wrap my brain around letting someone else help me with the kids. Even now, if he has to sit at a restaurant table with my 8 year old while I take my 4 year old to the bathroom, I feel like I'm dumping my responsibilities on him. (He doesn't feel this way - it's 100% my issue.) I've joked that maybe I will just move to a house on his street and we can be neighbors forever, rather than ever moving in/getting married. I wish I could ease up on that control a little bit!
I think the highlighted is part of my problem. If I ask him to watch one while I take care of something for the other one, I feel like it is a burden. He doesn't see it like that. But in the back of my mind, I do everything for these kids right now as a single parent so I don't know what is acceptable to ask for his help on. I think it's just something I need to work on, asking for help and accepting it without feeling guilty or like a burden. I'm pretty sure I'm like this in many areas of my life.
The transition with discipline was slow. DD was not used to a man correcting her (my dad does try, but he is a softy!) so she would get upset no matter how calm and low FI's voice was at first. I took care of time outs and taking away privileges for the first few months. Now we are on an even playing field.
As a child of a single mother that was subjected to her ins and outs with various boyfriends, PLEASE don't do this until you are ready to set a date for a wedding and there are deposits paid, etc. I would also suggest that you involve a counselor in this process to help you all set some guidelines up and expectations, give you some tools, etc.
All of the commentary on this is really interesting. If you've done this, was it hard to let someone else help with your kids? BF and I are nowhere near moving in together because I dont know when I'll ever be able to wrap my brain around letting someone else help me with the kids. Even now, if he has to sit at a restaurant table with my 8 year old while I take my 4 year old to the bathroom, I feel like I'm dumping my responsibilities on him. (He doesn't feel this way - it's 100% my issue.) I've joked that maybe I will just move to a house on his street and we can be neighbors forever, rather than ever moving in/getting married. I wish I could ease up on that control a little bit!
It was a transition for me. In my case I grew up in a home where my mom was a single mother with my brother when she married my dad. My dad adopted my brother and has been hands on since they were committed. This concept to me is not new or strange.
That being said it was still a transition. We were friends for over a decade, he knew DD since birth, has spent time around her when we would hang out with friends so he was not a new face for DD either. After we got to the point where we were around DD as a couple he became exposed to our routine, and we worked him in, lol. He honestly loves it. Nothing makes him smile more than DD asking to sit by him, or her asking him to help her instead of me. I trust him completely and I know people can love non-biological kids just as much as bio-children. I experienced it, so I think it has helped me with letting FI and DD develop their relationship.
ETA: My mom and dad were seriously committed for a while before they were "engaged"
Post by jojoandleo on Sept 15, 2014 13:37:45 GMT -5
The "Don't do it until you have a ring" comments annoy me. What difference does a ring and a piece of paper make? It makes the break up harder, but it doesn't mean you won't break up. From a legal stand point, finishing school makes sense. In my state, if your spouse supports you through school, then they are entitled to restitutionary alimony if you divorce.
As long as you and your BF are on the same page as far as this being a true commitment, I don't think you need a fucking ring. You DO need to make sure you have an in depth conversation about his role with your kids. As someone who has had many step parents, I think you have gotten some great advice in here.
This isn't happening tomorrow, you said some time next year, meaning you have a good 3 months to talk it all out and figure out what works for YOUR relationship.
Post by stephreloaded on Sept 15, 2014 13:44:16 GMT -5
I think you have a very valid and IMO very good reason to not want to marry now. School is important for you and you want to take care of that before getting married. I think that given your situation, I would do the same thing.
I think the most important thing here is that you have already made the decision that marriage is in your future and as some people on the board say, if it is meant to last, what is the rush?
I have no experience on the transition since I haven't even introduced DD to anyone I have dated but I would suggest you having him spend more time with the kids. Maybe taking one of them to the movies or something like that. I would be hesitant to move in with someone if I don't have a pretty good feeling of how that person would parent my child.
The "Don't do it until you have a ring" comments annoy me.
Yea and relating this back to the proposal poll thread where a good amount of posters stated the ring isn't the significant part of the engagement, the discussion and agreement to be married is the engagement...so I agree with you.
The "Don't do it until you have a ring" comments annoy me.
Yea and relating this back to the proposal poll thread where a good amount of posters stated the ring isn't the significant part of the engagement, the discussion and agreement to be married is the engagement...so I agree with you.
I KNOW! I thought about that. LOL. This place can be so black and white sometimes. ESPECIALLY with kids. I get it, your kids come first, but honestly? a ring and a wedding date don't make a commitment more committed. They have been dating over a year, they have talked marriage, and the move is not happening for another 3-4 months AT LEAST. This isn't someone just dating and jumping in to living together after 6 months of dating.
I mean, if Angelina and Brad waited until she got a ring to move in together, then they would have been shuffling kids back and forth through two houses a lot. (She did have adopted kids before Brad.)
The "Don't do it until you have a ring" comments annoy me. What difference does a ring and a piece of paper make? It makes the break up harder, but it doesn't mean you won't break up. From a legal stand point, finishing school makes sense. In my state, if your spouse supports you through school, then they are entitled to restitutionary alimony if you divorce.
As long as you and your BF are on the same page as far as this being a true commitment, I don't think you need a fucking ring. You DO need to make sure you have an in depth conversation about his role with your kids. As someone who has had many step parents, I think you have gotten some great advice in here.
This isn't happening tomorrow, you said some time next year, meaning you have a good 3 months to talk it all out and figure out what works for YOUR relationship.
Yes. This is why I said a sure commitment rather than ring/engaged.
It is more about understanding each others expectations (which means you need to understand your own) and having a solid plan and commitment, because that will be what is best for you both and the kids.
The "Don't do it until you have a ring" comments annoy me.
Yea and relating this back to the proposal poll thread where a good amount of posters stated the ring isn't the significant part of the engagement, the discussion and agreement to be married is the engagement...so I agree with you.
Haha, I even told him that I don't need an engagment ring. I told him lets just save up for something we want together (like a house in the future), we can have a small wedding and just pick out wedding rings together. I was married once before, I want something small and inexpensive this time and he is a-ok with that.
We know we want to be together. An engagement ring is not needed to solidify that commitment.
Yea and relating this back to the proposal poll thread where a good amount of posters stated the ring isn't the significant part of the engagement, the discussion and agreement to be married is the engagement...so I agree with you.
I KNOW! I thought about that. LOL. This place can be so black and white sometimes. ESPECIALLY with kids. I get it, your kids come first, but honestly? a ring and a wedding date don't make a commitment more committed. They have been dating over a year, they have talked marriage, and the move is not happening for another 3-4 months AT LEAST. This isn't someone just dating and jumping in to living together after 6 months of dating.
I mean, if Angelina and Brad waited until she got a ring to move in together, then they would have been shuffling kids back and forth through two houses a lot. (She did have adopted kids before Brad.)
Her first post was vague. "Talked about getting married farther in the future" could have a couple meanings so I needed clarification.
I think in all, these things are not as much about a specific time. Some people are serious faster, some date for years with no title or formal commitment. When kids are involved it is important they feel safe and secure. This usually means their parent feels secure and for some that means a formal engagement with a ring. So, I think that is where the opinions stem from.
Good luck OP! I think you have some idea of what to iron out before the big move
Thanks everyone! I appreciate the different points of view. I will be sure to talk through all these things with my boyfriend and make sure the kids are comfortable.
I KNOW! I thought about that. LOL. This place can be so black and white sometimes. ESPECIALLY with kids. I get it, your kids come first, but honestly? a ring and a wedding date don't make a commitment more committed. They have been dating over a year, they have talked marriage, and the move is not happening for another 3-4 months AT LEAST. This isn't someone just dating and jumping in to living together after 6 months of dating.
I mean, if Angelina and Brad waited until she got a ring to move in together, then they would have been shuffling kids back and forth through two houses a lot. (She did have adopted kids before Brad.)
Her first post was vague. "Talked about getting married farther in the future" could have a couple meanings so I needed clarification.
I think in all, these things are not as much about a specific time. Some people are serious faster, some date for years with no title or formal commitment. When kids are involved it is important they feel safe and secure. This usually means their parent feels secure and for some that means a formal engagement with a ring. So, I think that is where the opinions stem from.
Good luck OP! I think you have some idea of what to iron out before the big move
But some of the comments in here are downright insulting:
"Stay living separate until you get married or he puts a ring on it.
You aren't playing house. It will be an OUR home. Not a his home with you and your kids crashing.
Slow the roll a little. No penalties for that."
"As a child of a single mother that was subjected to her ins and outs with various boyfriends, PLEASE don't do this until you are ready to set a date for a wedding and there are deposits paid, etc. I would also suggest that you involve a counselor in this process to help you all set some guidelines up and expectations, give you some tools, etc."
Like, not everyone even actually gets married. Marriage isn't a guarantee, people. Hence why this board exists.
But some of the comments in here are downright insulting:
"Stay living separate until you get married or he puts a ring on it.
You aren't playing house. It will be an OUR home. Not a his home with you and your kids crashing.
Slow the roll a little. No penalties for that."
"As a child of a single mother that was subjected to her ins and outs with various boyfriends, PLEASE don't do this until you are ready to set a date for a wedding and there are deposits paid, etc. I would also suggest that you involve a counselor in this process to help you all set some guidelines up and expectations, give you some tools, etc."
Like, not everyone even actually gets married. Marriage isn't a guarantee, people. Hence why this board exists.
I agree. I don't care what the situation is, if you have kids and do anything that involves a relationship you are going to be judged. It SUCKS!!
I am sure it is true for those w/o kids too, but I hate the stigma of being a bad parent for certain choices in dating/relationships. I understand where it comes from cause people are worried about a child's mental and physical well being.. but damn.
We all know train wrecks and worst case scenarios, but most people don't take this decision lightly.
But some of the comments in here are downright insulting:
"Stay living separate until you get married or he puts a ring on it.
You aren't playing house. It will be an OUR home. Not a his home with you and your kids crashing.
Slow the roll a little. No penalties for that."
"As a child of a single mother that was subjected to her ins and outs with various boyfriends, PLEASE don't do this until you are ready to set a date for a wedding and there are deposits paid, etc. I would also suggest that you involve a counselor in this process to help you all set some guidelines up and expectations, give you some tools, etc."
Like, not everyone even actually gets married. Marriage isn't a guarantee, people. Hence why this board exists.
I agree. I don't care what the situation is, if you have kids and do anything that involves a relationship you are going to be judged. It SUCKS!!
I am sure it is true for those w/o kids too, but I hate the stigma of being a bad parent for certain choices in dating/relationships. I understand where it comes from cause people are worried about a child's mental and physical well being.. but damn.
We all know train wrecks and worst case scenarios, but most people don't take this decision lightly.
Oh yeah. I didn't think you were rude. I'm more just confused as to why marriage is the only acceptable time to move in with kids. What if you never want to get married again? Why are we acting like marriage makes something permanent? There is ALWAYS the chance you could break up-married or not. The important thing, like you and several other posters said, is to be on the same page. Make sure you are committed to a future together before you move in with kids. I don't even see why marriage has to be a part of that future, personally.
I think I am becoming more cynical the older I get. Even this wedding I went to this weekend, I kept rolling my eyes at some of the vows. I just don't like people acting like marriage somehow makes a relationship legitimate, or something.