Post by tiffany81 on Sept 15, 2014 20:55:21 GMT -5
So I thought we were doing well with DS and the transition. He is 4, almost 5. For the last two weeks, he has been very sad at nighttime and has been crying about missing the other parent. He told me his heart was broken tonight.
Any advice? Should I encourage exH to call at night? I'm not sure if he would. Do anything specific? My heart breaks every time this happens.
Post by tiffany81 on Sept 15, 2014 21:20:01 GMT -5
Yes, it's only at night. He never says anything during the day and otherwise seems totally fine and happy.
I could ask exH about Skype or calling but I don't know if he'd commit. DS stays there every other weekend and sees his dad for a few hours a few days per week.
I call shenanigans on the kid then...it's a ploy to postpone bedtime or get a little more mommy time. Kids are tiny terrorists! Honestly, be a broken record when it comes up, reassure him and continue on with the routine. He'll get tired of it soon enough.
And then he'll figure out that when he's in trouble, he'll throw out "I hate you and I want to go live with dad!" Every good terrorist has that one in their bag of tricks!
I call shenanigans on the kid then...it's a ploy to postpone bedtime or get a little more mommy time. Kids are tiny terrorists! Honestly, be a broken record when it comes up, reassure him and continue on with the routine. He'll get tired of it soon enough.
And then he'll figure out that when he's in trouble, he'll throw out "I hate you and I want to go live with dad!" Every good terrorist has that one in their bag of tricks!
This 100%. My 5 year old pulls this all the time, but throws in tears. It's a ploy for attention. I tell her it's ok for her to miss her dad, give her a hug and redirect her to some other distraction.
Have you read The Invisible String to him? It's about missing someone but your hearts are connected by a string, so you pull on it when you miss the other person. I found it on Amazon.
[Have you read The Invisible String to him? It's about missing someone but your hearts are connected by a string, so you pull on it when you miss the other person. I found it on Amazon.
Totally jumping in to say thank you for the book recommendation. It looks great and I just ordered it for my kid.
Thank you 1confused1 - I'm going to order that book too. I haven't read anything to him yet because he seemed totally fine with everything until just recently.
doriswe - Ughhh. I'm dreading the day he says that to me. I know he's smart and manipulative, it's just hard to realize that this could be part of the manipulation for more mommy time or to stay up late. What a little jerk!
Thanks everyone. I'm going to continue to reassure him, be firm, and maybe encourage ex to call here and there on my nights so DS can at least say hi. And of course get the book. It sounds great!!
Post by prettyinpearls on Sept 16, 2014 8:27:31 GMT -5
B is almost 5 as well and the only time he asks to talk to daddy is in the evening before bed. I get him snuggled into bed and then he'll give XH a call, knowing he can only talk for 10 minutes and then it's lights out.
Maybe start putting him to bed a few minutes early so he can get a phone call in? Just make it very clear that after his X amount of minutes are up, it's light off and bed time.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 16, 2014 8:47:56 GMT -5
DS#2 has started crying every so often that he misses his Daddy. It's usually after he doesn't get his way.
It was hard for them at first, but now they've really settled in and they know they can call him anytime. We don't keep them from the other, so it's been very easy that way.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 16, 2014 8:58:06 GMT -5
I'm sorry. That must be so tough.
Ever since xh and I separated, we made a commitment to call each other every night so that our son could say good night to the parent he wasn't with. It's worked out well. The only time my son asks for his dad is when I won't let him do something so that doesn't really faze me.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Thank you 1confused1 - I'm going to order that book too. I haven't read anything to him yet because he seemed totally fine with everything until just recently.
doriswe - Ughhh. I'm dreading the day he says that to me. I know he's smart and manipulative, it's just hard to realize that this could be part of the manipulation for more mommy time or to stay up late. What a little jerk!
Thanks everyone. I'm going to continue to reassure him, be firm, and maybe encourage ex to call here and there on my nights so DS can at least say hi. And of course get the book. It sounds great!!
I always counter with "good, I'm doing my job then!"
I regularly tell my kids I refuse to negotiate with terrorists! I survived these manipulation tactics and you will too, I promise!
Kids are tiny assholes...but they're cute, so it all evens out!
Post by geekychic on Sept 16, 2014 10:00:52 GMT -5
Here is the dissenting opinion.
I think it is important to validate kid's emotions and not dismiss them as trying to be manipulative. This is a perfectly valid reason to be upset. I don't understand why it is being automatically brushed off.
I don't think children are tiny terrorists or assholes. They are tiny people with feelings about things. They may not seem like important or convenient things. But the feelings are ALL THE FEELINGS to our kids and as parents, we need to teach them how to appropriately deal and cope and address it.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 16, 2014 10:05:56 GMT -5
geekychic, it's purely situational. Whenever my kids tell me they miss their Dad, the first words out of my mouth are "That's okay. It's totally okay to miss your Dad, you'll see him on Friday and we'll call him tomorrow.". But lately, with my kids, they only say it when I've told them they can't do something or I am enforcing bedtime--THEN it's a ploy to stay up longer (similar to my older son vaccuming the house at bedtime).
geekychic, it's purely situational. Whenever my kids tell me they miss their Dad, the first words out of my mouth are "That's okay. It's totally okay to miss your Dad, you'll see him on Friday and we'll call him tomorrow.". But lately, with my kids, they only say it when I've told them they can't do something or I am enforcing bedtime--THEN it's a ploy to stay up longer (similar to my older son vaccuming the house at bedtime).
Mine were like this too. Why can't we call kids manipulative? They are...as are most individuals! They want what they want and they will try multiple ways to get it.
I agree that you reassure them and give them coping skills, but feeding into it, time and time again, just makes the issue 100 times worse.
Kids ARE terrorists! Not all the time, but they most definitely are. And there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
geekychic, it's purely situational. Whenever my kids tell me they miss their Dad, the first words out of my mouth are "That's okay. It's totally okay to miss your Dad, you'll see him on Friday and we'll call him tomorrow.". But lately, with my kids, they only say it when I've told them they can't do something or I am enforcing bedtime--THEN it's a ploy to stay up longer (similar to my older son vaccuming the house at bedtime).
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 16, 2014 11:13:50 GMT -5
When my kid genuinely cries about missing his dad, of course I understand that and I don't call him manipulative. But when I have the conversation: "I can have donuts!" "No, you cannot eat that for dinner" "I want to go back to daddy's!" That's manipulation and kids are greeeeat at it.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
A child expressing sadness is not being manipulative anymore than you are being manipulative when you are feeling sad. There is a difference.
DD has done the "I am going to Daddy's" thing when she doesn't get her way. I don't call her manipulative or a terrorist.
It's only manipulative if you let them get away with it when you know they're just doing it to get their way or to hurt you. My younger ones are firmly in the "If I scream/cry about it then I'll get it--right?" mode right now, so they certainly try.
If they are really sad about it and miss their dad, I comfort as much as I can--if it is early enough in the evening I will call him so they can talk to him too. That generally helps too.
I think it is important to validate kid's emotions and not dismiss them as trying to be manipulative. This is a perfectly valid reason to be upset. I don't understand why it is being automatically brushed off.
I don't think children are tiny terrorists or assholes. They are tiny people with feelings about things. They may not seem like important or convenient things. But the feelings are ALL THE FEELINGS to our kids and as parents, we need to teach them how to appropriately deal and cope and address it.
I'm definitely validating his emotions. I sit and we talk and I tell him it's normal to miss the person he's not with, etc. I just worry that he may in fact be manipulating me. I can't tell. It's ONLY ever at bedtime. And only over the past 2 weeks. Bedtimes are extended by almost 30 minutes with me sitting and us talking about our feelings and me cheering him up with extra hugs and kisses.
I'm going to try to talk to XH tonight about doing some bedtime phone calls for a bit. And I ordered the book recommendation.
There are times when my DD's legit miss their dad. I always let them know it's ok to miss him and offer to face time him. That always cheers the girls up.
Then there are times when they are manipulating me, asking for daddy, bc they don't get what they want. I let them cry it out.