I'm annoyed...help me think this out

[doriswe]

Last summer, XH suggested he take DS more often and when I agreed to it, it was immediately followed up with "well I need to pay less child support now."  TBH, he was paying a lot, and we figured out an agreed upon decrease, with help from an attorney.  Things are cool.

Today, I get an email from him regarding basketball and soccer sign up. NBD.  He then throws in "At some point, unless you can think of a reason why it wouldn't benefit him, there's no reason from my perspective why we can't do a 50-50 nights schedule."

Uhhhh, what?? Why? I'm not okay with it. 

I have full custody, per XH's insistance. DS reports that when he's with XH, he watches TV or plays video games the whole time because XH is "busy".  (When XH was with his gf and then the fi, he would be in his room with the girl and DS would fend for himself) XH isn't exactly overly involved with homework or any of that stuff. DS is also pretty hypersensitive to changes.

I can't help but assume this is a financial situation and not actually driven by his desire to be with DS. 

Am I wrong in thinking the schedule we have now is sufficient?
(Current schedule is week 1: Thursday overnight, week 2: Thursday overnight and all weekend)

ETA: DS is 10

[jax373]

Kids like consistency. If what you have now is working, I wouldn't change it. It is probably driven by him wanting to reduce child support....I would tell him no, that things are working just fine with the current schedule.

[prettyinpearls]

He just wants CS to go down, he doesn't actually WANT the extra time with DS. Stand your ground.

[doriswe]

I feel like I should also add, DS has been in and out of counseling since XH and I divorced and a constant theme has been XH moving too quickly in relationships (that's another story entirely) and DS feeling shuffled around.

[jojoandleo]

How long have you all had this schedule? Has he talked to DS about it? If so, what does DS say? What are your reasons for not wanting the change? Is it that you honestly think you are the better parent (I personally think this, so not being snarky)? How far away do you two live? How would this affect his school district?

I typically think courts prefer to keep the status quo and not modify from full to 50/50 and vice versa unless there are extenuating circumstances. Structure with divorced parents is good for kids. I also think 50/50 won't really work if you guys live so far away so as to put you in different school districts. It causes too many issues. Which district will he be in? Who will drive him to school? He obviously cannot take a bus from Dad's house if he goes to school in Mom's district. How early will he have to wake up to get to school in a far away district? Kids need sleep.

I think I would tell him 50/50 will not work. You all have a set schedule that works for DS and you do not want to disrupt it.

[doriswe]

Sept 16, 2014 10:27:23 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

How long have you all had this schedule? Has he talked to DS about it? If so, what does DS say? What are your reasons for not wanting the change? Is it that you honestly think you are the better parent (I personally think this, so not being snarky)? How far away do you two live? How would this affect his school district?

I typically think courts prefer to keep the status quo and not modify from full to 50/50 and vice versa unless there are extenuating circumstances. Structure with divorced parents is good for kids. I also think 50/50 won't really work if you guys live so far away so as to put you in different school districts. It causes too many issues. Which district will he be in? Who will drive him to school? He obviously cannot take a bus from Dad's house if he goes to school in Mom's district. How early will he have to wake up to get to school in a far away district? Kids need sleep.

I think I would tell him 50/50 will not work. You all have a set schedule that works for DS and you do not want to disrupt it.

We've used the current schedule for a year+
I don't think DS knows anything about this. This was the first time I heard about this.
I don't want the change because I'm his constant and have been for 10 years.
I am the better parent and XH would say the same thing. That sounds really bitchy, but it's true. I set rules, boundaries and hold DS accountable. XH is Disney dad.
We live less than 2 miles apart. No real change in school stuff. Sort of. He's in the wrong elementary school area, but in a year it's a moot point.

[jigsy]

Non-parent here...You son is old enough to offer his thoughts on this as well. You know your XH, and if it truly is about reduced CS, then that is shitty...but people also grow and change and I can see how a man would be more apt to hang out with a child as they get older.

But really, I think jumping to conclusions isn't fair. You might be the better parent, but is your X a bad parent? I'm generally all for fathers being as active as possible in kids lives, and I am always a little squicky (not sure of the right word here) when a mom doesn't want to allow that...but I think personal experiences color my judgement.

So yeah. I'd talk it out with your son a little.

[Muddled]

Doris, while I agree with your assessment and I think you should trust your instincts, I'm inclined to say that you will need to take objective reasons why this is not in the best interests of your son to court. Sit down and make a list.

Eta: should he be so pro-active as to take this to court,of course.

[Deleted]

This would be my response:

Dear XH,

I am not amenable to changing our current custody or support arrangement at this time. If you would like to pursue any changes, please consult your attorney.

You can go fuck yourself,
Baby Mama

[becwheat]

How often is he with him now?

Going from full (or almost full) time to 50/50 is a big adjustment for a kid after 10 years with a primary parent. That would be my biggest concern.

Since he pulled this type of thing before for CS purposes I would be suspecting this was the same kind of thing.

[gault]

He's acting like one word from him makes the agreement magically change.

You know your dude and your instincts are telling you to keep it as is, so hold your ground. You're a good momma.

[callunafirefly]

I would say this probably is based on wanting a reduction in CS. That being said, I do think it is important for kids to be with their dad. I wouldn't respond to him, if he wants it done he can have something drawn up and sent to you. Maybe a reasonable compromise would be a 50/50 schedule during the summer. Starting one week after school is out to one week before it goes back. This shows you are willing to compromise, but also that you are thinking of your child and his well being. 10 is getting up there in being able to make his own "decisions" but 10 is also getting into where school actually matters, and if a concern is that his schoolwork wouldn't be taken seriously - that is a valid concern. Start keeping track of homework on the days he does have him; Is it done, neatly, correctly??

Also - not sure how yours is written up, but sometimes when a CS amount is originally calculated high, there aren't provisions made for extras. Make sure if he wants to reduce his child support, he's then on the hook for other things too because they add up, and they add up more as the kids get older. Extra-curricular activity fees, supplies or equipment for those activities, back-to-school items, does he have a cell phone yet - helping with that bill. A friend of mine actually has in hers that he will give $200 per child in the month of August for back to school supplies and clothes.

[ECB]

My reaction is "don't do it, stand your ground". But I do agree- talk to your son. Does he want to do this? If he doesn't, then even more so- say no.

And then ditto bigtoe.

Your ex may not be a bad parent, perse, but your son is also 10. He's not far off from entering a time in his life where structure and boundaries will be even more important than before. If your ex is only going to be Disney dad and let your DS fend for himself 50% of the time - going into his teen years really is NOT the time to start this.

[doriswe]

jigsy, I totally hear you but I'm not withholding DS from XH ever. We actually are really decent coparents and XH sees DS not only on his schedule times, but also when other things come up or DS specifically asks to go there. We all attend sports things together and we both try to accomodate the other's schedule, the best we can. I'm all for him spending time with XH but not if it will disrupt DS's routine. The last change we made, last summer, was actually modified because DS wasn't tolerating it well, so we cut out the last overnight.

Muddled, I do plan to do that and right now I'm just pissy that he's even suggesting this. I won't respond to him until tomorrow (or later) so it's not emotionally fueled.

becwheat, XH has DS every Thursday after he gets off work (so DS is at my house for an hourish after school) until Friday morning before he goes to work. Then every other weekend (so Thursday after work until Sunday at 4 PM).

[callunafirefly]

Sept 16, 2014 12:11:38 GMT -5 ECB said:

My reaction is "don't do it, stand your ground". But I do agree- talk to your son. Does he want to do this? If he doesn't, then even more so- say no.

And then ditto bigtoe.

Your ex may not be a bad parent, perse, but your son is also 10. He's not far off from entering a time in his life where structure and boundaries will be even more important than before. If your ex is only going to be Disney dad and let your DS fend for himself 50% of the time - going into his teen years really is NOT the time to start this.

I totally agree with this. My son just turned 13 and middle school is a huge transition. Things I thought we mastered years ago, are coming back and I'm like where is your head? I feel like I have to be much stricter with him now then I did when he was 10/11. I left his dad the summer before 4th grade...so I was single with a 10yo too.
I think if he's serious about wanting more time with him and it isn't a CS thing, he would ask to take him a day here and there throughout the week (and not be focused on the financial aspect of getting credit for those days). Maybe your suggestion could be to offer him an additional day, just to see how it goes...but nothing official, nothing on paper, no recalculations. If its about seeing his kid this will be ok with him. If its about money...you'll know instantly.

[doriswe]

Sept 16, 2014 12:10:07 GMT -5 callunafirefly said:

I would say this probably is based on wanting a reduction in CS. That being said, I do think it is important for kids to be with their dad. I wouldn't respond to him, if he wants it done he can have something drawn up and sent to you. Maybe a reasonable compromise would be a 50/50 schedule during the summer. Starting one week after school is out to one week before it goes back. This shows you are willing to compromise, but also that you are thinking of your child and his well being. 10 is getting up there in being able to make his own "decisions" but 10 is also getting into where school actually matters, and if a concern is that his schoolwork wouldn't be taken seriously - that is a valid concern. Start keeping track of homework on the days he does have him; Is it done, neatly, correctly??

Also - not sure how yours is written up, but sometimes when a CS amount is originally calculated high, there aren't provisions made for extras. Make sure if he wants to reduce his child support, he's then on the hook for other things too because they add up, and they add up more as the kids get older. Extra-curricular activity fees, supplies or equipment for those activities, back-to-school items, does he have a cell phone yet - helping with that bill. A friend of mine actually has in hers that he will give $200 per child in the month of August for back to school supplies and clothes.

Regarding CS, we did reduce it last year, and it's pretty dead on to the correct percentage.  XH is court ordered to pay for half of "extra" expenses (medical, dental, prescription, sports, school stuff, whatever) but I do not ask him for it because I realize he's paying me a good chunk of change each month.

[prettyinpearls]

Sept 16, 2014 10:22:20 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I feel like I should also add, DS has been in and out of counseling since XH and I divorced and a constant theme has been XH moving too quickly in relationships (that's another story entirely) and DS feeling shuffled around.

This right here solidifies my original opinion. You know your DS best and 50/50 is a big adjustment. The fact that he's already had (having?) issues with being "shuffled" around leads me to believe that a 50/50 arrangement isn't for the best.

[becwheat]

So, right now he has him like 8 nights a month and basically wants to double his time.

I know on paper a jump from 8 to 15 doesn't seem like much, but it is a lot of time away from an established primary care giver. My biggest problem is that our DS has had a center for 10 years and disrupting that in too big a way would be hard on him.

I am a big advocate for both parents being involved when possible, but I am also very aware of a lot of parents wanting 50/50 to avoid CS. I might have a different opinion if your kid was younger and not as established in a routine.

[kaneen]

I would first remove all assumptions and just consider the facts. So, let's remove the assumption that this is fueled by money. The facts are:

XH is Disney dad.
XH does not spend time with DS when he has him.
DS is not good with change.
DS is entering a time that requires more structure/guidance; something he does not get with XH.

That would be enough for me to say no. I wouldn't say no to XH though. I would ask XH how changing the situation would benefit DS given the needs DS has/will be having and XH's ability to meet those needs.

[DirtySouth]

So much of this depends on the kid. Ex H and I started off at 50/50, but DS is super laid back and go with the flow.

If your son had a hard time when he had more time with dad, then I'd send the ex an email saying that because of the hard time DS had before, and since he is doing great with the current schedule, that you don't want to mess with a good thing. However, I would also say that you are willing to make some changes to give him some more time. Right now, on his weeks without the weekend, is his weekday visitation overnight? Giving him one mid week overnight might be a good start, and it's also a good way to assess if your ex H is capable of making sure homework gets done and to school the next day. You could suggest a trial period of doing this. I also think the idea of 50/50 over the summers is good. Maybe at some point 50/50 could work, but it sounds like in your situation it's not something you want to just jump into, and easing closer to a 50/50 schedule and seeing how things go is probably the way to go. I do strongly believe that kids need both parents to be as involved as possible, and for some kids 50/50 is best, and for others they do better having a primary custodian.

Sent from my HTC One mini

[gottadobe]

If XH is genuinely interested in spending more time with DS, what about suggesting Tues dinners every week, Thursday overnights and every other week Thursday through the weekend.

You said you already modified vistation once, what was it before? It doesn't seem like he sees him much.

[geekychic]

I have heard of agreements set up where they switch to 50/50. But don't change the CS to make sure the dad isn't doing it for that reason. The judge suggested it.

[stephreloaded]

There are cases where having a 50/50 custody works really well. I think in this particular case, it would be detrimental to your son. If he does not have the consistency/attention at his dad's house, it would just not be a good thing for your kid to spend more time there on different levels. As you say, he would not do well emotionally. Also, if he doesn't even bother to spend time with him, imagine how well would he do in school.

[locarb]

My first instinct is NO, based on the stability you offer your DS. I think it would be tough with school sleeping at different homes. I would also wonder based on the past if this was a ploy to lower CS.

I believe your DS should have an opinion and also ask his therapist. If it went to court, would the judge ask DS his opinion?

[doriswe]

I talked to DS about it last night (and I did not steer the conversation either way, FYI ) and at first he said he's "okay" with the current schedule, then he said "well maybe I could go on Wednesdays every other week". I say "okay, I can talk to Dad about that" and then a look of panic came over his face and he said "wait, that means you wouldn't see me for 3 days...maybe I'd better not do that." I told him it would be okay if that's what he wanted to do and it's not about me. He told me he'd rather keep it the same and "maybe when I get a little older we can make a change."

I'm going to email XH about it today. Crossing my fingers he'll be decent about it.

[stephreloaded]

Sept 17, 2014 9:25:09 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I talked to DS about it last night (and I did not steer the conversation either way, FYI ) and at first he said he's "okay" with the current schedule, then he said "well maybe I could go on Wednesdays every other week". I say "okay, I can talk to Dad about that" and then a look of panic came over his face and he said "wait, that means you wouldn't see me for 3 days...maybe I'd better not do that." I told him it would be okay if that's what he wanted to do and it's not about me. He told me he'd rather keep it the same and "maybe when I get a little older we can make a change."

I'm going to email XH about it today. Crossing my fingers he'll be decent about it.

You did really well here! Let us know that your ex says.