What kind of balance do you strike? My H's job became much more demanding in the last year. Compounding this, he's in the last steps of gaining his terminal degree. He's busy, no doubt. He's no longer doing much of anything around the house, in or out. He also is doing a lot less with the kids...working weekends, etc. He mostly just helps with bath and tucks them in, if he's home. It's feeling like I'm doing a lot, but maybe that's normal, or fair, or whatever. It's new, I truly don't know. What's your household look like?
Yeah, I handle most of the household stuff myself. He sees the girls in the morning and tries his hardest to come home for dinner, and he succeeds probably 4 nights out of the week. Cooking, cleaning (now that we've let the housecleaners go), laundry, driving to extracurriculars, etc. is all on me.
I don't resent it at all, though. He's working his ass off at his day job and at the shop so that I can be home. Plus, he shuffles everything around whenever I want to go out with friends or the teen or whatever happens to come up. He goes off on guy nights occasionally too, and we manage to get a date night about once a month. I think we're good.
Post by usuallylurking on Sept 16, 2014 22:12:16 GMT -5
Well, our situation is a little different in that H is gone for 8 weeks and then home for 3 before going back for his next rotation. But when he is home we split everything pretty evenly. Except baths are all his because I hate doing them, lol. How much time is he actually gone? I'm thinking there's a little better balance to be found if your H really isn't doing much more than baths.
ETA: and I'm not suggesting a CTJ talk or anything, and I'm not down on your H at all. But I do think it's easy to slip into a holding pattern and until someone says hey I could use a little help here, and this is how you could help me, it's easy to just keep going along unaware.
Honestly, I'm the wrong person to ask tonight. DH is working 6-7 days a week with no end in sight, to top it off our only family vacation in years maybe sidelined by his parents joining us next month. We see him for maybe an hour and a half a day where he's either distracted by watching TV because it's his only downtime (truly, he works every evening after DD goes to bed) or he's busy dealing with work shit. I feel like he's dropping the ball with us because we're always the easiest ones to say no to, and he can't say no to anyone else. We did hire a housecleaning service and my parents are taking my DD one morning a week to a music class. I'm at the end of my rope.
I would love it if I could count on him for certain times or chores, but it's him coming and going and just when I think I have someone to watch the baby while I make dinner or shower, he has to leave again on a moment's notice. We've talked a lot about how to plan more around that because that's the biggest source of my frustration.
Que, I think you've got it. It's the extra shit going on. Wan, I think I needed to hear that, too. Like, I'm not mad at him, I truly want to know if I should just be ok with it. Maybe I should. He does a lot for the family.
Yeah, I handle most of the household stuff myself. He sees the girls in the morning and tries his hardest to come home for dinner, and he succeeds probably 4 nights out of the week. Cooking, cleaning (now that we've let the housecleaners go), laundry, driving to extracurriculars, etc. is all on me.
I don't resent it at all, though. He's working his ass off at his day job and at the shop so that I can be home. Plus, he shuffles everything around whenever I want to go out with friends or the teen or whatever happens to come up. He goes off on guy nights occasionally too, and we manage to get a date night about once a month. I think we're good.
This is so awesome and makes me just smile. You go!
Post by mommytutu on Sept 16, 2014 22:16:51 GMT -5
My H is a firefighter gone roughly 15 days out of the month. I run my house on a routine. The kids help out and pitch in as much as they can but for the most part I do it all. It sucks most days but I'm pretty independent so I manage.
Post by calmcosmo on Sept 16, 2014 22:19:35 GMT -5
My husband is a navy pilot so he's gone a lot; sometimes for months on end. He's been gone for the past 2 and a half weeks just off flying in Nevada.
When he's home and working a typical 8-5 day, he does a lot at home. He will clean up the dishes and help with bedtime. My husband is a natural perfectionist and hates clutter, so he compulsively cleans which is helpful/annoying depending on my mood .
Over the years I have decided I am happier when I plan on handling things myself and them am pleasantly surprised when he's there to help. But that's the result of having two under two and a husband deployed on an aircraft carrier for 8 months. You gain a perspective that most people don't have.
To me it's intent. My husband is helpful when he's available. He's a great dad. I know he is making an effort. Even though I do a lot alone I know he wishes he was there. If I was married to someone checked out and lazy I would be very upset.
So I guess my question is, is he literally exhausted? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate, and only you guys can decide of he's pulling his weight.
Even if it's normal for someone else, if it's bothering you, or isn't working for your family, then it's a problem.
That being said, I handle all the house and kid stuff. I plan for things (if I need a sitter, etc.) as if he isn't going to be here, and then if/when he is it's a pleasant surprise
I don't mind him working so much and so hard because it allows me to stay home and not have to work. Sometimes it is tough juggling the schedules of 3 kids and my own stuff, but we have our routine. I will say one issue we (I) have is that we are so in our groove that sometimes when he is home and disrupts that I get irritated. But that's on me and I work hard not to let that come out. When he is here, he is completely present. He takes the kids out places, riding bikes, etc.
Also, my mom is my savior. I could not do it without her. She comes and babysits so I can get my nails done, get my hair cut, etc. Oh, and gym daycare helps too
Post by Captain Serious on Sept 16, 2014 23:09:15 GMT -5
It's hard, to be sure. My husband used to work all the time, before we had kids. Now that we do and I'm home, his hours have dropped significantly. Still, even though I'm home all day, which is new to me (in my second year, but still new after a lifetime of working, including 3 years as a working mom), I expect him to do all he can while he's home.
While he's at work, I try to do as much as I can to ease the load: cook, clean, laundry, doctor's and therapy appointments, and homework, etc. I am the chief family scheduler. But aside from that, I expect him to spend as much time taking over with the kids when he's home as possible. He still sometimes cooks, and primarily does bath and bed time, which gives me a much needed breather at the end of the day and gives him time with the kids.
But then I wonder, when does he get his breather? He goes into work before any of us get up (between 5 and 6:30 a.m.) and is the one to take the late shift at home. when I think of it that way, I wonder if I shouldn't step up more.
I think the key is to keep the lines of communication open, and just find whatever balance works best for both of you.
I SAH with a toddler and an infant. My DH started a new job recently and he works A LOT. I find that managing my expectations both for him and myself helps.
When I was expecting him to get home at a specific time it just made me stress. Letting go of that and accepting that he'll get home when he gets home keeps me in a better frame of mind. He doesn't want to be working so much either, so he really doesn't need me giving him a hard time about it. He generally does bedtime and is very involved when he is home.
I also a letting more things slide than I used to. If I am tired or my kids need me more, then I allow myself to get less stuff done that day. My kitchen is frequently a mess, laundry takes days to get put away if at all and I have been simplifying our meals. That's okay though. I try to get to the most important things first and do what I can.
I remind myself that this will most likely be a short time in our lives and we just need to do what we can to get through. It is helpful for our relationship if I take time to hang out with him when he gets home even if it is just sitting together while he eats something before we go to bed. I also send him pictures of the kids during the day because he misses them a lot and some days he doesn't see them awake at all.
It is helpful for me if I make time to exercise 15 to 20 minutes a day, go outside even a little bit every day and get to someplace with other people a couple of times a week. All of those really improve my mood and energy levels.
This is my first week back at work after essentially being a SAHM for the past 5 years, but there have been time where my husband's work schedule has gotten particularly crazy, taking him out of town for 10+ days at a time for big events, and crazy work hours for the weeks leading up to that.
Whenever possible, I'd try to schedule in some "me" time or ways to offload some of the responsibilities, like someone mentioned above, with hiring a housekeeper, grocery delivery, a sitter, etc. Gym daycare was also a godsend, and as I've learned, likely helped my toddler's current transition into a full-time daycare go smoothly. Sometimes a little retail therapy was in order, too, but not always possible.
My husband is very hands-on when he's home, although he occasionally needs a gentle reminder. I also suggest he do more one-on-one trips/excursions with the gals, even if it's just running usual errands. And with my return to work, we're realizing how much more I need his help to get all of us out of the house in the morning instead of me doing the brunt of it.
When he gets home each evening, we split the responsibilities of getting dinner ready, baths, stories, packing lunches for the next day. Then we have our respective downtime.
It can be hard to find the right balance, but definitely speak up if you're feeling unappreciated or could use more help, either from him or outside parties.
I'm in the exact same spot. H has always had full days, travel, and weekend time, but this year is a lot more than ever.
It's wearing on me, and I feel guilty that it is.
I have no real advice, but I'm navigating it, too. I don't know if it's the pregnancy, or his increased workload, or our recent home purchase, but I feel a sort of constant stress. I can't really pinpoint a source, so I'm hoping it's just this adjustment period.
ETA: his home duties consist of putting dd down a couple of times a week if he's in town (he gets home ~1hr before bedtime), and he mows the lawn not quite often enough. He also takes her to preschool once or twice a week depending on travel. It feels like essentially nothing, but I'm not about to say he needs to do more when he gets so little down time as it is. It's tough on both of us, really.
I do all if the kids scheduling etc. and take care of almost all of the household chores /needs. It was harder when the kids were younger and home with me 24/7 but now it's much easier. Of course he worked longer hours and weekends when the kids were younger and now he has a much easier schedule. Would have been nice to have that flip flopped. I'm sure it sounds lame but I consider taking care of all of the household stuff my department and in fact I don't like him mucking with it.
Post by litebright on Sept 16, 2014 23:50:49 GMT -5
I WAH PT now instead of SAH, but my situation is very similar. We saw DH one day out of the three day Labor Day weekend because he was working so much. Eleven and 12-hour days during the week are the norm rather than the exception. He got promoted earlier this year and he wasn't home for a full weekend for like two months afterwards. Earlier this year he did a ton of travel as well.
It sucks, frankly, but it helps that if I absolutely need him, then he's able to make it work *most* of the time. I went to Vegas for work for four days last week and he handled things. He does a lot on the weekends, both outside work and inside -- folding laundry, cooking, etc. But honestly, pretty frequently I just tell him, "Screw the chores, go do something fun with the girls, they've hardly seen you this week." Or tell him to go to the gym so he can work out his stress. He does the same for me, too. Sometimes we all go do something fun like go out for ice cream after dinner or whatever. But sometimes I'm fine with him taking the kids so I can clean without having to juggle them. We've both had to accept that all the chores and tasks are never going to get done, the house is not going to be sparkling, and there are going to be times when we just barely keep our heads above water.
We have a little ongoing thing where we compliment or thank each other for doing things and the person who did the work says, "That's my job." And the other person responds along the lines of, "No, it isn't, but I appreciate it." It's just a back-and-forth we've developed over the years and a little way of reminding each other that even though we each do certain tasks out of habit, agreement or necessity, that either one of us could take over for the other and neither of us are taken for granted. Sounds silly, maybe, but I think it's one of the many small things that kind of smooth over potential rough spots.
I set things up so that I need his help as little as possible, whether that's for school pick-up/drop off, appointments, activities for the kids, etc. (Once a month he has to pick up DD2 from preschool by closing time at 5 p.m. so that I can attend DD1's music class with her. Last year it was every other week and that was hard for him to manage.) I arranged things that way when I was SAH, too, but it was tougher because the kids were littler and just needed more, and I needed more breaks. Now that they're both in full-day school, I can work during that time and usually get things like some errands or gym time. Having the chance for some me-time/down time during the day means I usually don't feel like I need to bolt out the door for a respite as soon as he gets home.
I couldn't work full-time, or out of the house, if I wanted to, honestly. The only reason my job works for us is that it's PT and from home. Anything else would be so hectic and I don't know how we'd manage it without driving one or both of us insane.
My DH works around 70 hours a week, and I SAH with our two kids, ages 5.5 and almost 2.
Honestly, I do the vast majority. We had a better balance going, but in February he broke his leg, and I picked up all of the slack and added it to my daily routine. So now I don't nag him to take out the garbage, I just do it myself. Now that he's healed I'd like for him to start doing more around the house, he's gotten a little spoiled by me doing everything
He either works 8am-6pm or 12pm-9pm. So either he's home for a late dinner and a family walk before the kids' bedtime, or he's around in the morning for breakfast and watching some Disney Jr with the kids. I do prefer for him to handle bedtime when he's home because then it gives me a little break.
Oh his 1-2 days off every week, we are always running around doing something fun. He likes to spoil me and the kids and make fun memories, so it's nice to know that we get really good quality time, even though it's not much quantity. He loves to cook and BBQ so he usually makes dinner when he's home.
Some of my friends have assumed that I resent him for working so many hours. This couldn't be further from the truth. He works so hard to provide for us. He bought me my dream house, I drive a nice car, we have a biweekly housekeeper, I spend my days working out and hanging out with my kids. Without his job we would have none of this. And I get a babysitter about once a week so I can have some "me time", which he knows that I need. We get a solid 2-3 hours every night together before I pass out from exhaustion!
He'd work this many hours regardless if I work a job or not, so for our family it makes sense for me to SAH so I can take care of the kids, appointments, maintain the house, pick up dry cleaning, car maintenance, etc. This makes it easier for him to focus on his job, and he's made more money every year that I've SAH, going on 3.5 years now.
We are both happy. Although I would like for him to start taking the garbage out again
Que, I think you've got it. It's the extra shit going on. Wan, I think I needed to hear that, too. Like, I'm not mad at him, I truly want to know if I should just be ok with it. Maybe I should. He does a lot for the family.
It kind of sounds like you're looking for a reason to be mad at him?
I love this board and the support it provides, but sometimes I think ideas are put in people's head that aren't necessarily you're reality or feelings.
If things are working great in your household and you're generally happy, who cares if someone else is pissed that their H worked until 8 and didn't cooked dinner, that doesn't mean you have to be mad if that situation happened to you.
Post by mrsukyankee on Sept 17, 2014 4:37:50 GMT -5
I'm not a SAH mother but a SAH wife right now - though I am working one day a week and coaching in the afternoons. We have a cleaning lady but I do all the other household chores with the exception of cooking one meal a week (sometimes, if he isn't working on the weekend). I'm okay with this because he works long & hard hours. If I get a job, he'll start doing more.
Post by sandyapples on Sept 17, 2014 6:43:27 GMT -5
I SAH and my H works long hours. Some weeks it's only 50 hours but sometimes it is that plus working from home every night and weekend. I do almost all of the housework and childcare during the week. If H doesn't have to work from home at night I expect him to clean up after dinner or put the kids to bed. Sometimes I am jealous because he isn't tied to the kids. Sometimes he is jealous of me because I get to do fun things with the kids all the time.
I too wonder if I should expect more from him and none of my friends IRL are in my situation so I can't compare. I'm working onmaking some SAHM friends. Ultimately it doesn't matter what happens in any other family, only if you are both happy. DD started school last week and that has made things much easier. Being home with only one kid is a breeze compared to two.
Yeah, I handle most of the household stuff myself. He sees the girls in the morning and tries his hardest to come home for dinner, and he succeeds probably 4 nights out of the week. Cooking, cleaning (now that we've let the housecleaners go), laundry, driving to extracurriculars, etc. is all on me.
I don't resent it at all, though. He's working his ass off at his day job and at the shop so that I can be home. Plus, he shuffles everything around whenever I want to go out with friends or the teen or whatever happens to come up. He goes off on guy nights occasionally too, and we manage to get a date night about once a month. I think we're good.
For a very long time I resented my H's job and how much it took him away from us, and it was a huge undercurrent of tension in our relationship.
I don't know if it's a function of me growing up or the kids growing up (lol) but with in the last year I've come around to wannabe's line of thinking and have been a lot happier, since.
I think when you sah and have little little ones it's significantly more difficult when your partner isn't home after the "9-5" because it's rough when they're tiny and you just need a break after 8 hours. I'm at the point where both are in school so my "work hours" if you will, are 7-9 am and 3:30-8 pm. That's a whole lot different when it was 6:30-7 or 8 and H still wasn't home.
I am on maternity leave, so not SAH really, but I am in a similar boat. H works hard and is tired, but I feel like I do everything and deserve more of a break. I hate this. I am looking forward to going back to work in January, whereas H is scared of how much harder everything will be when I am working.
My H works a lot and this is compounded by the fact that he spends almost all of his free time doing house projects. Right now he is working on building a retaining wall in our backyard. Nearly everything else falls on me. It's tiring and draining f because after spending all day with the kids during the week (minus the time they're at school), I have to turn around and do it on the weekends now too. But what choice do I have? I want to get that stupid wall built too.
We are very unbalanced in our house/kid duties but I don't really see a way around it if he's not physically here. I've learned to deal with it and make the best of things for the kids. When I get the chance to get out or whatever, I just tell him I am doing something. I've found I have to just announce it and do it or it doesn't happen. Not that he doesn't want me to, but we just get caught up doing other stuff otherwise.
Post by schitzengiggles on Sept 17, 2014 8:57:18 GMT -5
I can also relate to a lot of this. All of our situations are a little different but ultimately come down to hubby being gone/unavailable a lot and how do you strike the right balance for everyone. It is SO hard. DH and I both work, and we are also both in Grad School. But, I do 90% of the kid care and 95% of the household stuff as well, because his job is much more demanding than mine. It varies but for example right now there is a huge project going on and he has been working 70-80 hour weeks. Usually about 50-55 hrs from work and then the rest of it at home, including on weekends). It is hard not to feel frustrated and resentful sometimes, but I try not to let it get to me because its all temporary, and its not like he is doing nothing while I am left with everything. Sometimes it's just hard to feel alone and overwhelmed with everything I have to do every single day.
Post by pinkpinot on Sept 17, 2014 10:19:24 GMT -5
I SAH, my h works a ton. I do everything and do some business stuff for him. It's tough. Since I'm home I do get "me" time during nap time and I cherish those 2 hours. I do no chores during that time for the most part, sometimes I have to but mostly I watch a show on the elliptical and go lay down and read. I try to not feel guilty about this because I am allowed to just do nothing for an hour every day. I don't resent my H or anything but I am going to start asking around for a babysitter to come here weekly because I am starting to get really, really drained and I'd love to run errands without a toddler.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Sept 17, 2014 10:30:49 GMT -5
The division in my household is not anywhere close to 50/50. He has outside and I have inside. He will help with DD if I ask him but he doesn't take initiative. He will however do the grocery shopping and he usually makes the bed because I don't care if it never gets done. He also doesn't give a fuck if I don't fold and put away laundry. He will wear wrinkly clothing and not care.
It's a point of contention in our marriage but nothing big enough to split up over.
I completely understand your frustration. I think it happens more often than not in marriages.
Post by jillybean222 on Sept 17, 2014 13:34:00 GMT -5
When H is here, he's here and hands-on. When he isn't, I'm on my own (and I'm OK with that). The saving grace is that I can totally and completely handle the 3 kids and their activities/homework/etc. by myself. When I have help, I feel like superwoman. I do most of the day-to-day stuff (pack lunches, shuttle to and from school, do homework, soccer practice, dinner, baths, books, bedtime, boo boos, etc.). If H is home, he has no problem handling the bedtime routine while I chill out.
I SAH and my H just started working 2-3 hours more each day than he did before. I pretty much do everything around the house - kid wrangling, daily housework, bill paying, house hunting, school stuff, planning, etc. We split childcare 50/50 when he is home - I would have a problem if he slacked off on that.
I guess I'm not at the point of being resentful yet, and maybe I never will be since the reason he's away longer hours is because he took a job in my home state. He's helping me fulfill a dream of mine so if anything I feel badly for him coming home so tired every day. So, as of right now, I am happily picking up the slack even if it makes me extra tired too.
I think, as a pregnant person, you need to take extra good care of yourself. If you can afford it, schedule as many pampering, relaxing (or exciting) "me" time things as you can. It is just so hard to take care of kids when pregnancy is sapping your energy. You deserve that time to revitalize yourself.
The last 1.5 years of my life has been this. H would leave for work early and come home around 6pm, but go straight into the garage and work on contracts for his side company until after midnight. He would pop in for a half an hour after dinner and read them books, tuck them in. And that was that. Weekends were better but there was always contract work to do. And he traveled several times a month, often internationally. We hardly ever saw him. He hardly ever slept, and was having panic attacks often. Too much work. Two different stressful, high-maintenance jobs. I was short-fused, lonely, depressed and in an overall funk all of the time. And all of this began to wear on the little ones. So while the money was good, we decided something needed to change. He immediately got a job offer that paid as much as the other two, working from home with hardly any travel. This miracle may convert me into a God-believer. The sun is shining over here again. We all spend quality time together more often now. There is a nice balance.
I am sorry you are experiencing something similar. Hugs. Routines are a must. And any outside help you can get. Try and carve out time together where you can talk these things over, rather than bottle them up. Can you guys get a date night set up?