Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 12:01:04 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure this has been discussed here before, but I've noticed that many people my age have either a best friend (that's not a spouse or partner) or a group of friends they get together with regularly.
I'm trying to gauge how normal I am - I don't have a best friend per se, nor do I have a large group of friends that I get together with on a regular basis. I have 3 old friends who live out of town that I keep in contact with. I have two different groups of old coworkers I get together with about once every month or so, and another friend who I see somewhat regularly. I mostly hang out with my parents, brothers, and at family events/get togethers on weekends.
I'm finding as I get older it's harder to keep in touch and get together with friends who have families, and it's harder to make new friends instead of just new acquaintances. Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend or a regular group you hang with?
I know I'm not normal. At least I'm 99% sure I'm not normal. I have 2 close friends that I talk to on a regular basis, both live within 15 minutes of me but I don't really see them that often with the exception of the one I work with. I have a network of acquaintances from where I used to live that I really only keep in touch with on FB. And that's all I've got! I am not social at all. It's painful. I pretty much spend time with myself and my son. I need to work on that. I need more friends. I need a life haha.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 17, 2014 12:10:28 GMT -5
I'm very close with my sister and have some old friends from college that live farther away. I keep in touch with them through e-mail and fac.ebook. I have lots of in town friends that I am reconnecting with because stbx made me cut them off. I've also made friends at work and through GBCN.
The local GBCNers get together once a month-ish, you should totes show up peppermint!
I'm really lucky. I see my best friend at least once a week and we text all day long. My other bestie I work with so I see her all week and usually a few times after work. My other girlfriend I see frequently as well. I don't really have a group. Just friends of my friends I see.
Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 12:13:54 GMT -5
thanks cuddlyevil i'm hoping to make it the next time!
i was just thinking, that all through high school and college i had a bff...then when i got married, i allowed my spouse to become my bff and drifted away from my friends a bit. now that i'm divorced, the bffs i spent every day with live in different cities now, and i feel like a weirdo without a bff to do everything with.
ETA: apparently i like the term bff. could i use it one more time in this post?
I know that I am in a unique situation because I have a HUGE group of people I see a few time per month, since I'm part of my local MLS team's supporters' group. I have made a few very good friends through the group, as well as a TON of acquaintances, through whom I meet even more new people. It's been an incredibly fantastic way to keep my social circle evolving.
Post by 1confused1 on Sept 17, 2014 12:26:10 GMT -5
I am incredibly lucky that I do have a huge group of friends. I have met them all at different stages of my life, college, when I was with the ex (lots of his friends became my very good friends after separating because he distanced himself from everyone), the Nest and friends I have met through my kids. I have a nice mix of single friends and married with children friends.
I am actually kind of like you. I email almost daily with 1 BFF who lives 10 hours away from me. I am pretty close with my mom, and though I don't talk to my sisters or another BFF often, I would consider them close. Locally, I have 1 friend I see a few times a month who is probably my "local best friend", though she drives me nuts fairly often and we're not as close as what I think of when I think of a BFF. Then I have bunch of other friends I see occasionally. Some of them are former coworkers, so I sometimes see them together, but some I see only 1 on 1.
I wish I had a group of friends. I really, really miss that. I had that when I first moved here (about 6 years ago) and as time went on people moved away, broke up, divorced, or otherwise grew apart. I used to love entertaining but I don't have the right group of people to invite over to my house anymore without having it feel forced.
Honestly my best friend at this point is my BF. But I have always been the type to have 1-2 close friends and that's it. I tend to be kind of introverted and while I enjoy people and doing things with them, it's really tough for me to put a lot of energy into many friendships/relationships at once.
I have trouble keeping in touch with my best friend, because she lives so far away.
I'm definitely not normal, but I do tend to have a group (or two) of good friends who hang out regularly. However, these groups do fluctuate every 3-5 years. It comes with being an ex-pat. People become close faster, because you automatically have something in common and not a lot of options. One of my closest friends has commented that we probably wouldn't even hang out if we were at home.
Post by Wanderista on Sept 17, 2014 12:36:49 GMT -5
I have a network of different friends rather than a group. By that I mean that I have various friends that I've met in different ways and who I keep up with on FB and hang out with in kind of a free-form "when we feel like it" way. They mostly aren't friends with each other. Those are the ones who live in the area.
I also have many friends/old largely FB acquiantances now who are scattered around the world now. They keep FB interesting though I don't check it quite as intensely as I used to. I just graze it sometimes. I am also very willing to make new friends and I made several new friends last year who I am as close with as some old friends. I also have a few close friends who live far away who talk with me pretty regularly and so we are close even though we don't see each other much due to distance. Basically it varies a lot but I do mostly like it and I also like making new friends.
BF is more like what you describe in that he kind of has a little group of long-time friends who he has known since school and college. They all moved to this city from elsewhere and are a mostly coherent group. He's more of an introvert than me but he is very friendly and sociable when he does socialize. He has gotten along with my friends that he met and is pretty easygoing. He is originally from another state and has only lived here a few years.
I have friend groups all over the place, and I wouldn't say I have one core group that gets most of my attention or energy -- or one true BFF.
My BFF from high school and I don't talk all the time, but we have a few long catch-ups annually, where we pick up without missing a beat. She's in Miami, so I rarely see her in person. Similarly, my two BFFs from college (who know each other, but who aren't close to one another) aren't local to me, and lead busy lives. I see them each about twice a year, and we talk sporadically. If I'm in their neck of the woods, or they in mine, we make one another a priority. Even though I'm not in constant contact with any of these people, I absolutely consider them my dearest friends. I've been through a lot with each of them, and I love them to pieces. They are the folks nearest to my heart, and the people who know me best. Whenever something happens that matters, they're among the first to know.
I'm long-time family friends with two sisters, and I fall between them in age. They're the sisters I never had, and I love them like family. They're not close geographically, but I'm in close contact with each of them.
Locally, I have a very good girl friend who I met at an art show several years ago. We text daily and throughout the day, and we probably see one another a few times a month. I'm also very close with a colleague, and while our schedules don't always jive, we make time for one another. I've also got theatre/photography/artsy friends, Thor's friends (who have all really embraced me), friends from the local music scene, and people who became my friends from just being at the same places all the time.
I consider myself lucky that my town has a pretty vibrant social scene full of interesting, accepting people. Last night, I had plans to have dinner with a good friend and another girl, and instead it morphed into a hilarious girls night with some really cool people! It was a crowd I know and enjoy, though they're not my primary friends, and it was awesome to be out with them. I'm delighted that there's such a strong sense of community around here.
I am actually kind of like you. I email almost daily with 1 BFF who lives 10 hours away from me. I am pretty close with my mom, and though I don't talk to my sisters or another BFF often, I would consider them close. Locally, I have 1 friend I see a few times a month who is probably my "local best friend", though she drives me nuts fairly often and we're not as close as what I think of when I think of a BFF. Then I have bunch of other friends I see occasionally. Some of them are former coworkers, so I sometimes see them together, but some I see only 1 on 1.
I wish I had a group of friends. I really, really miss that. I had that when I first moved here (about 6 years ago) and as time went on people moved away, broke up, divorced, or otherwise grew apart. I used to love entertaining but I don't have the right group of people to invite over to my house anymore without having it feel forced.
Honestly my best friend at this point is my BF. But I have always been the type to have 1-2 close friends and that's it. I tend to be kind of introverted and while I enjoy people and doing things with them, it's really tough for me to put a lot of energy into many friendships/relationships at once.
Um, are we the same person? Lol - but seriously. I loved to entertain too, but don't have the right group to invite over without it feeling forced, either. And I'm more introverted as well - I have a lot of acquaintances and friends who I'm not super close with, which is nice because I get exhausted by having too many relationships to maintain (as bad as that sounds). But I've had 1-2 "bff's" at a time my whole life, and now I really don't have one, and I was just wondering if this was normal or not.
Thanks everyone for your input and for telling me about your friends and social circles!
Post by Eureka1984 on Sept 17, 2014 13:01:41 GMT -5
peppermint this is a great post as I have been thinking a lot about this.
In high school I had one best friend then in college I joined a sorority and made a great group of girlfriends but as of late, we have moved apart due to one girls divorce (infidelity) and my divorce (alcoholism). I feel like I don't fit in with them as I'm no longer married and it's harder when my ex and I were both close with my friends.
It's weird when I think about making new friends. I have that social anxiety and I can be awkward -- I'm more book smart then street smart. I also find it hard because I'm a teacher and the most adults I meet on a day-to-day basis our parents.
I have 2 best friends that I have known since Kindergarten. We talk via text or FB almost every day. I have like 3 groups of friends... HS people, College people and Soccer/Sports people.
I can hang out comfortably with any of them, but my HS friends are most of my closest with the exception of a few college peeeps.
Long story short... I have a couple very close/best friends and a good number of friends that I hang out with semi regularly.
I have friend phases. For example, right now I'm divorced and a mom. I tend to hang out with the same interest ppl more regularly. I try to hang with the 'other' groups at least once a qtr. Often, I host a get together at my house. I love a Sunday Funday!
I keep in contact with one person from each stage in my life; college, when I lived in Boston, life in NY,etc... I have lost contact with many.
I do have a best friend. We've been friends for about 12 years. I have another close girlfriend, and we've been friends since middle school. So, roughly 25 years. Those two, and my mom are who I spend the most time with.
I have a couple other girlfriends that I see roughly every couple months, and a close guy friend that I see every couple weeks or so.
Post by riverpestie on Sept 17, 2014 14:33:51 GMT -5
I don't really have a best friend. I have my kickball friends, my soccer friends, my school friends, and my rescue group friends.
I go to lunch with the IT guy on a regular basis, he's really the only one I see without my group of friends. Oh, and another guy from school, we have beers after class on a regular basis as well.
Post by jojoandleo on Sept 17, 2014 14:40:50 GMT -5
I have two distinct group of really good friends, and then a bunch of fringe friends. Which is surprising considering the fact that a lot of people think I am a bitch...
One group-I met them waiting tables when I was 19. We have been friends for over 10 years. It just so happens most of them are gay. We are more like family. In fact, I spent Thanksgiving with one of their families last year. They are amazing. I see them 2-3 times a month.
Two group- "The Js" All of us, but one, have J names. We are all female. I started hanging out with two of them when I worked in a bar. We used to just go out ALL the time, drinking and dancing in undergrad. Then we were all in each other's weddings (3 of them in the same year. LOL). This is the group I call when I am down and want to be coddled and told I am right. LOL. My first group will tell me like it is. I see my J's 2-3 times a month. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes even more. Our husbands all joke when we go to "happy hour" that they will "see [us] tomorrow."
I also have my law school BFF and my BFF from undergrad who are in no specific group. I see them less often due to distance. More like 3-4 times a year.
I am actually kind of like you. I email almost daily with 1 BFF who lives 10 hours away from me. I am pretty close with my mom, and though I don't talk to my sisters or another BFF often, I would consider them close. Locally, I have 1 friend I see a few times a month who is probably my "local best friend", though she drives me nuts fairly often and we're not as close as what I think of when I think of a BFF. Then I have bunch of other friends I see occasionally. Some of them are former coworkers, so I sometimes see them together, but some I see only 1 on 1.
I wish I had a group of friends. I really, really miss that. I had that when I first moved here (about 6 years ago) and as time went on people moved away, broke up, divorced, or otherwise grew apart. I used to love entertaining but I don't have the right group of people to invite over to my house anymore without having it feel forced.
Honestly my best friend at this point is my BF. But I have always been the type to have 1-2 close friends and that's it. I tend to be kind of introverted and while I enjoy people and doing things with them, it's really tough for me to put a lot of energy into many friendships/relationships at once.
Um, are we the same person? Lol - but seriously. I loved to entertain too, but don't have the right group to invite over without it feeling forced, either. And I'm more introverted as well - I have a lot of acquaintances and friends who I'm not super close with, which is nice because I get exhausted by having too many relationships to maintain (as bad as that sounds). But I've had 1-2 "bff's" at a time my whole life, and now I really don't have one, and I was just wondering if this was normal or not.
Thanks everyone for your input and for telling me about your friends and social circles!
We might be the same person! Truly, I am always surprised when I hear that people my age have friends they see several times a week or text with throughout the day. I am just not like that with people. My BFF and I email most days, but it's usually at work and is as much to pass the time as it is to stay in touch. I like that we can talk about mudane crap, like what we ate for dinner last night, and don't have to do much catching up because we talk so often. But I have no idea what our friendship would look like if we lived by each other - I doubt we'd actually hang out multiple times a week because I just don't like doing that! Maybe I'm weird, too, but I think it may be fairly normal just not to be as close to people as an adult.
ETA: I do think this has a lot to do with people being a part of a couple as an adult, though. I never would have called my XH my best friend, and when I was single my friendship social life was very similar to what it is now. I feel like I have more of a best friend in the "doing lots of things together and talking to every day" way with my BF than I've had since friends in college. I think most of my coupled friends are closer to their spouse/SO than they are to most of their friends. It may also partly be laziness, it's a lot easier to turn my head and talk to my BF in the evening than it is to call someone on the phone or make plans to leave the house
I'm very lucky to have a great group of friends. I have three best friends, one lives in Arkansas, one in Dallas and the other about 45 minutes away. The one who lives closest I have known for 19 years. Actually, all my friendships here are over 15 years old, I've known these people seemingly forever. In total there are about seven of us that try to get together at least once a month.
I'm really close to my siblings and see them more than anyone. After living away from them for six years, it's so nice to see them regularly!
Post by stephreloaded on Sept 17, 2014 15:13:38 GMT -5
I used to have a best friend but we don't talk a lot any more. I have a lot of acquaintances but no one really really close. Although I am getting to that point with someone here at the office.
I am having a hard time to make good friends because the people I have tried with lately, are so good about talking about themselves but are not good listeners which was the reason of my dumping my BFF.
Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 15:25:16 GMT -5
@buckybells i think you're right about having a significant other - when i was married my husband was my closest friend and we spent the most time together. since that relationship ended, i had a close friend but we grew apart, and i've only dated one person semi-seriously. it's so much easier to hang out with the person you're coupled up with, especially as an adult. but at the same time, i have to be mindful that spending every single moment with someone, just because you're dating, probably isn't the most healthy thing, nor is it necessarily want the other person wants.
One of the things I mourned most at the end of my marriage was that I was also losing my best friend. Sure, N could, and is currently, remain in my life as a friend, but it doesn't seem like something that will be long term. Other than him, my sister is my best friend, which sucks because she is in Utah. As are most of my girlfriends. I have a few girls in Florida. I would say I have friends here in LA, mostly of the nestie sort. I feel like they are more than acquaintances, but not quite best friends. I feel fortunate though.
peppermint, I'm in a very similar spot. When I was in college and grad school I had lots of friends. I felt like once I hit 30, people began to get married, start families and move out of town. During this period xh and I were together and he caused isolation. This caused my friendships to change and drift immensely. No more spur of the moment get dinner/drinks, no more late night coffee at dunkin donuts in our pjs, no more bar hopping. Things feel strained and forced. I only really text maybe weekly with 2 of my friends and occasionally grab dinner with one of them. I feel like my BF and my mom (despite my issue with some of her recent choices) are my best friends. A few of my coworkers are great support to vent to as well, but we don't really spend time together outside of work. My BF is introverted and his friends who he rarely sees are mostly single dudes who watch sports together (girls aren't part of that) so I can't really network that way. I find it hard to make new friends for lack of opportunity. Life/work just gets in the way of maintaining friendships sometimes.
I used to have a best friend but we became more distant around the time I got engaged and rarely talk now that I am married (we do extend out to each other but don't live as close as we used to and don't have as much in common anymore).
I feel like I now have a smaller but closer knit of friends. I definitely don't have as many "friends" as I did before, but I guess quality over quantity?
Forgive me, but I'm a bit confused. There's another user named pandora and I've never seen you here.
Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 17:02:12 GMT -5
jigsy, I'm right there with ya - I think I mourned the loss of my best friend as much as the marriage itself.
And @blueyes623 we do sound similar. In a way it's comforting to know that others are close with their parents or families too, versus having a big social group and a lot of close friends. Maybe it's just part of getting older/friendships and social circles changing.
Forgive me, but I'm a bit confused. There's another user named pandora and I've never seen you here.
I've been lurking for awhile and posted on and off but recently started posting more frequently. I never really introduced myself, just interjected myself into threads. I didn't realize there was another Pandora, I saw a Pandorica but now that I actually searched there is. Oops. My dog is named Pandora, it was the first thing that came to my mind.
Ooh! They should give a warning like username is taken lol. Because I "know" pandora and I was like...um...what husband??? That's not her. What happens if I tag pandora? Do both of you get it?
jigsy, I'm right there with ya - I think I mourned the loss of my best friend as much as the marriage itself.
And @blueyes623 we do sound similar. In a way it's comforting to know that others are close with their parents or families too, versus having a big social group and a lot of close friends. Maybe it's just part of getting older/friendships and social circles changing.
I think some people do maintain those large groups, but i certainly didn't. Sometimes I feel like there must be something "wrong" with me too. I think getting older, starting families does really cause many people to grow apart. I don't really miss the days of going out to bars and such, but sometimes it gets a little lonely when I realize my friends are far away and not really part of life more regularly.
I think there are a lot of "normal". I have a good group of girlfirends that I only see 2 or 3 x a year, but when we see each other, it is like no time has passed. We communicate via Facebook and the like. I don't feel like I have someone right now that I could call up and hang out with right away, but that is because everyone I know has a life of their own going on...which I think comes with growing up.
Vegas has a TON of friends. When we met in Vegas, he was there for a bachelor party and there was 18 of them that had mostly gone to high school or college together. That to me sounds exhausting to me, lol. But then again, I am a little jealous that he can make plans in a snap if he wants.
Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 18:23:23 GMT -5
Agreed, @blueyes623. I think what I've discovered through this post is that I just miss being close with someone - a partner/spouse/boyfriend or even just a best friend. Someone to share my day with and call to tell them the little nuances that only those kind of people care to hear about.
And jigsy I agree, there are all different kinds of normal...I was just curious to see if anyone else was experiencing the same kind of thing I was. I am envious of people who have long standing friendships with people that live locally! I would love for my close girlfriends to live even 30-60 minutes away!