Post by lookingup on Sept 17, 2014 18:24:47 GMT -5
I have two or three individual "best" friends, and then I have a group of besties who get together on a semi-regular basis. All of these friends live hundreds of miles away from me now though, and that has been the hardest part of moving to a new city. I have a couple of friends here that I go out for drinks with, but no "bests".
Post by onedayatatime on Sept 17, 2014 18:35:58 GMT -5
peppermint - your situation sounds very similar to mine as well. I have always been a small, tight group of friends kind of person. 1-2 BFF's at a time. My HS friends left for college, and then I left my hometown after college. I had a BFF at work, but she has had two kids in the past two years and we have drifted apart quite a bit.
From after college until the separation my XH was definitely my best friend - and it is the biggest thing I miss.
I do go out quite a bit with coworkers and some people I met on meetup, so I am not lonely for activities. But I find that I am a bit guarded until I get close to people and its hard to elevate acquaintances to friends. I miss having the day to day closeness with someone.
Post by kitkat1502 on Sept 17, 2014 19:01:12 GMT -5
I'd say I have 2 best friends....one here and one that is back in SC. I love my friend in SC because I could tell her anything...ANYTHING and she wouldnt judge me. I then have maybe 4-5 other friends that I'm close with but not "best friend" level. I'm actually happy with the number of friends I have. I used to feel like I wanted to have a big group of girlfriends but right now I feel like this small group is just right for me.
Post by peppermint on Sept 17, 2014 19:16:58 GMT -5
onedayatatime are we the same person too? Lol. I'm the exact same way - I have a good amount of friends and have a good variety of things to do socially, but I don't open up and get close with people often. Probably why I've only had one BFF at a time my whole life!
Post by starburst604 on Sept 17, 2014 19:19:34 GMT -5
I have a tight group of 9-10 girlfriends, all in different stages of life - married, kids, single, divorced, etc and we always make time to hang out. We're like a larger version of the SATC friends. I also have some good friends outside of that group.
Agreed, @blueyes623. I think what I've discovered through this post is that I just miss being close with someone - a partner/spouse/boyfriend or even just a best friend. Someone to share my day with and call to tell them the little nuances that only those kind of people care to hear about.
This is what I was thinking about last night. I miss being close to someone. But it also made me think about my friendships and evaluate them for some sort of meaning. I know that sounds jumbled but I'm still processing my thoughts. I think because I really don't have a good support system outside of venting with you all that I need to try understand myself more and maybe take a leap at venting/opening up to another. I'm definitely talking about this with my therapist.
I'm very close with my sister and have some old friends from college that live farther away. I keep in touch with them through e-mail and fac.ebook. I have lots of in town friends that I am reconnecting with because stbx made me cut them off. I've also made friends at work and through GBCN.
The local GBCNers get together once a month-ish, you should totes show up peppermint!
We are good people!
I had a bff in Lexington, she and I still talk frequently but don't get to see each other much anymore. Otherwise, I have some friends here that I grew up with and I see sporadically. I'm extremely introverted so a lot of my free time is better for me if it's with only one or two other people, or just by myself. I feel exhausted if I don't get that.
It's nice to get out some and be in bigger groups (like the board gtg) but I'm not really designed for frequent outings of lots of friends.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by WinterIsComing on Sept 17, 2014 21:11:54 GMT -5
In my ideal life I would have 2-3 close local girlfriends. The kind you can call to do something big and exciting or something simple like sit, talk and sip on wine. Then I would have a large group of acquaintances that I would hang out with once or twice a week. I love to be social in large groups but have a hard time becoming really close to lots of people.
I currently have lots of acquaintances who I hang out with a few times a month and a couple coworkers I spend time with a couple times a week.
@buckybells i think you're right about having a significant other - when i was married my husband was my closest friend and we spent the most time together. since that relationship ended, i had a close friend but we grew apart, and i've only dated one person semi-seriously. it's so much easier to hang out with the person you're coupled up with, especially as an adult. but at the same time, i have to be mindful that spending every single moment with someone, just because you're dating, probably isn't the most healthy thing, nor is it necessarily want the other person wants.
You know, I have been thinking about this. I think feeling like you MUST hang out with someone all the time is unhealthy. You need to be able to continue friendships, see your family, pursue hobbies, whatever without feeling like you can't stand to be away from your SO or that something bad will happen if you don't hang out all the time.
But I also think that for someone with our personality type - the type to have a couple of close relationships but not a lot of interest in having tons of close friends or super active social life - having a SO as a best friend is acually ok, maybe even ideal. Until you break up or unless you're single, I guess. But really, you could lose a platonic best friend too, so I'm not sure it's actually all that different. I think part of the reason my BF is a good fit for me is because he's the same way, and we both just enjoy doing things together and being with each other. Certainly if one of us has something else going on, there is no issue with being apart - I usually see friends without my BF at least 1-2 times a week and we spend many nights in the same house but doing things independently (he's studying, I'm messing around online, walking my dogs, whatever). But I don't think it's problematic that we do most things together because we both want to. When I look at some of the best marriages I've seen (my parents, grandparents, my sister, my BFF) they are all marriages based on people who really do prioritize doing most things with their SO and spending some time together most days. I realize this is totally different when you first start dating vs. in a long term relationship, but it's not something I feel like we should purposely avoid!
On the flip side, some people are really social, have tons of close relationships, and would feel suffocated if their SO was their primary friendship. Nothing wrong with that either, just different personality styles KWIM?
Post by peppermint on Sept 18, 2014 10:49:21 GMT -5
really good point @buckybells and i agree with you. this is good insight for me when it comes to dating, because, like you, my primary friendship has only really been with one person - whether that be a platonic friend or a SO. so, i do believe that my personality type/style does play into it, and that is good to keep in mind when i first start dating so as not to potentially overwhelm someone, and also to determine if we're going to match up personality wise.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 18, 2014 11:43:23 GMT -5
One thing stbx never understood was my desire to hang out with people who weren't him. He felt that he didn't need to see his friends because "you are my best friend, why would I want to hang out with anyone else?" and felt that I should be the same way. And he made it difficult or uncomfortable for me to hang out with my friends. Eventually it started problems because his insecurity and trust issues went into overdrive. Even if I went to a hockey game with my sister he went into "Some guy is going to buy her a drink and she'll cheat. I know it." mode.
I need someone who can function independently of our relationship. Spending a lot of time together is awesome, but I need to be able to hang out with my friends for a girls night without being made to feel bad a about (same should be said for him). Just because we're in a relationship or married doesn't mean we are permanently attached at the hip.
Post by peppermint on Sept 18, 2014 12:03:28 GMT -5
yikes cuddlyevil sounds like your ex did take it a bit far. i wonder what made him think that you leaving his side automatically equaled a cheating situation?
i agree that being able to function independently outside of the relationship is really important.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 18, 2014 12:15:07 GMT -5
peppermint, his mom cheated on his dad. His dad pretty much treated her (& the kids) as an afterthought--he ignored her unless it was convenient for him, she found someone who paid attention to her and cheated. Stbx treated me and our kids the same way. Plus, he was/is very codependent (thanks to his mom). And my relationship prior to him was abusive and drama filled, the drama bled into our relationship. He led me to believe he was over it and that he loved me, when really he wanted to end our engagement but he didn't because "we just signed a lease and were planning a wedding.". Add in his insecurities about his level of education, general belief that he's not smart, and his awareness that he wasn't physically my type and you have a bundle of "Why do you need to go out with her/them? Aren't I enough?".
He said in couples therapy that "When she went out with her sister, her friends, or people from work I can't tell you what movie I watched but I can tell you exactly what time she walked in the door.". In the beginning it wasn't like that, but over time it grew worse especially when he felt/I told him I was unhappy with how things were. Instead of doing more than a half-assed attempt to fix things he went straight into "That's it, she is cheating on me so why bother?".
I have both. My bff and I met almost 20 years ago when we started college. We see each other weekly for lunch and talk via text all the time. I also have a group of close friends that I met from a mutual friend that none of us talk to now. We try to hang out as much as we can as a group but sometimes just one on one is the best we can do. I also have my childhood friend for 30 years that I talk to regularly.
I've always found it easy to make friends (even at almost 38 yrs) but most of my friends that I talk to have been around me for a long time. The best thing about my friends is that we always have an open door policy that allows any one of us to bring a new friend into the group. Most of the time, we end up all meshing well.
Post by achase123 on Sept 19, 2014 23:08:21 GMT -5
I have both. My best friend doesn't live super close to me but we talk often. Another friend I'm super close with is kind of the same. She lives where I used to live. I have a lot of friends here including guys and I know I can rely on them for almost anything. We just haven't been friends as long.