Post by citrusmint on Sept 17, 2014 12:07:35 GMT -5
It's a difficult transition time for her, maybe she's just being pricklier than usual. Losing independence as you get older can definitely be hard on people.
Post by rosiebear on Sept 17, 2014 12:08:45 GMT -5
That's tough, and I'm really sorry. We recently moved my mom into assisted living, with a very similar story arc. So frustrating! You know you're doing the right thing, though, and that you've gone above & beyond, so hang in there. I'd hand-deliver Chipotle to you, if I could.
Post by snipsnsnails on Sept 17, 2014 12:09:40 GMT -5
This is a huge change and adjustment for her. My grandparents moved almost two years ago into an apartment at an assisted living facility and only now has my grandmother started to enjoy it.
You're doing a great job. Continue to be gracious and loving when she needs it most. Sorry she didn't seem appreciative. My grandma had a very hard time with what she saw as losing her independence, even though it was necessary.
Vent away. As I know we'll probably have to deal w/ the same kind of shit w/ my ILs at some point - I get your anger.
But I also agree w/ citrusmint. Losing your independence, having to let go of basically your whole life, so many of your belongings, etc - it's hard. Very hard and I also understand HER prickliness too.
Oh, hon. Maybe I have a soft spot for GN but I'm pretty sure her comments have nothing to do with you calling her and everything to do with her own anxiety of transitioning to her new situation. Give her a little time and space and she'll come around. You're a great granddaughter and she knows it.
Post by juliagoulia on Sept 17, 2014 12:14:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry, nugget. I'm sure like pp's said- it's not about you, it's about her. But damn that really has to sting. She's lucky to have you and you rock. I am 100% sure she really loves and appreciates you, too. Your mom pulled the real dick move here.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I'm sorry Nugget. Moving is stressful under the best of circumstances and this type of transition is definitely not that, for anyone involved, even when everyone knows it's the right thing to do. I'm sorry GN turned on you and is being ungrateful, that's tough especially after all the work you've done for her. And your mom, ugh, that just does not help at all. *hugs*
I know this is a huuuuuge adjustment for her. I think I just need a break from my family for a while.
Oh, and H's car broke during the move so we have to pay to have that fixed (luckily his dad is a mechanic so we just have to pay for parts) and so he's been driving is motorcycle to work and told me that he dislocated his goddamn shoulder the other day but refuses to borrow a car, PLUS he is all freaked about the damn cake and mini cupcakes for his grandma's 90th party on Saturday being $120 bucks and thinks it should have only cost $45 tops and Dexter got into the salsa con queso this morning and ate a bunch so I'm 99% sure I'm going to come home to cat barf all over. I could smell it on his breath when he woke me up.
Sounds like both my grandmothers. Stubborn as hell and don't want to be told what to do. Not that it's right but it sounds like she's taking out some anger on you because she's realizing she can't do everything on her own now. Moving to a place specifically for old/disabled people is probably wearing on her pride. I'd give her a few days to calm down like your mom said then when your ready, give her a call. I'm sure she appreciates everything you do for her but she has a hard time showing it.
Post by aprilsails on Sept 17, 2014 12:32:54 GMT -5
I'm sorry you had such a rough week. It's a really difficult transition. Take some time for yourself this week if you can.
When MIL moved DH's grandfather into an extended care facility I spent a lot of time helping out and spending time with him. I basically went through everything acting as a buffer since GFIL was adamantly against going but was having severe health issues which MIL could no longer help with at home. Having helped move two of my grandparents into extended care I was better able to coach him through the process and tell him what he could and could not take with him, what was normal, etc. He wouldn't lash out at me since I was still a bit of an outsider.
I remember when my grandma was getting older and more feeble my mom took her extra spare room armoire and I was going to get it. I was so excited to have this gorgeous piece of furniture. Well my nana felt like she was losing control of her life and choices and lashed out. This sounds like what GN is doing.
She is moving from her big space to an assisted living place, with all new friends to make etc. That can be hard for anyone. Plus she may be feeling that the best years of her life are behind her.
I know its annoying and so many older people can be cranky but you did the right thing helping her and checking in on her. She is just feeling lost and out of control probably.
You are an awesome person to do all this for her / your family. When we moved my grandma into her facility she said some nasty, nasty things to my mom that stung for years. I agree that giving your family some space right now is a good thing.
I'm sorry. nugget. DH and his mom went through something very similar with his grandmother when her Parkinson's got too bad for her to be on her own. It's a huge change for everyone and she's probably scared and frustrated and lashing out. I know you know that and it doesn't mean you can't be hurt by what she and your mom say.
And what blows my mind is she will be MORE independent there. It's just a senior living community, so not assisted care or anything. She will have a housekeeper coming by weekly, she gets dinners if she wants down in the dining room (ten included with rent each month), free breakfast every day and there's a bus that will take her to her medical appointments and shopping free of charge (they go to three different grocery stores twice a week, the library every other Tuesday, the local mall once a month). They have excursions like boat trips and picking apples at an orchard and museum visits....damnit, I want to live in this joint.
No more having to ask mom or me for a ride to the grocery store, or to the mall, or to her doctor's office, no more having to take a cab when she goes to meet up with her ladies for their monthly lunch..
I'm sure with time she'll realize all the benefits, but change is hard, especially changes that are spurred on by aging.
Post by iammalcolmx on Sept 17, 2014 12:44:14 GMT -5
This is how they behave unfortunately. H's previously sweet as pie Norwegian Grandma became hell on wheels when they made her move out of her house. Nevermind she broke her hip and had been walking around on a broken hip for a MONTH before we figured it out. It's been 6 years and she is still PISSED. She can't remember much but she remembers her daughters made her leave her damn house. Take a few days to calm down. I think she is more upset that she is getting older and had to move out of her house than she is with you. When we made my Grandma move, she got pissed and died.
And what blows my mind is she will be MORE independent there. It's just a senior living community, so not assisted care or anything. She will have a housekeeper coming by weekly, she gets dinners if she wants down in the dining room (ten included with rent each month), free breakfast every day and there's a bus that will take her to her medical appointments and shopping free of charge (they go to three different grocery stores twice a week, the library every other Tuesday, the local mall once a month). They have excursions like boat trips and picking apples at an orchard and museum visits....damnit, I want to live in this joint.
No more having to ask mom or me for a ride to the grocery store, or to the mall, or to her doctor's office, no more having to take a cab when she goes to meet up with her ladies for their monthly lunch..
But it isn't her HOME yet. Not what she is used to, anyways. I can look at all the positives you listed and want to go there. But I'd rather come home to my familiar house. It's what I know. It takes time.
Nugget, I was wondering in that other thread if your H was going to object to the $120 cake. My H always has a number in his head of what things should cost, and that's what he wants to pay even when what he's imagining has nothing to do with reality.
No amount of money or time is a waste when it's for a Grandma, even if she doesn't appreciate it. You are a good, generous granddaughter.
PLUS he is all freaked about the damn cake and mini cupcakes for his grandma's 90th party on Saturday being $120 bucks and thinks it should have only cost $45 tops
My MIL, who had crazy dementia and should have moved into assisted living YEARS before she finally did was pissed as hell for a long time after the move. She got better, eventually.
My DH thinks everything should be free or cost $2. I have to continually ask him how he thinks people are supposed to feed their families by giving away their services for free.
Post by bittybomb on Sept 17, 2014 13:22:10 GMT -5
My dad gets like this. For instance, he is an epileptic and notoriously forgets to take his medication, and then winds up having a massive seizure and being hospitalized for days. You would think he would appreciate someone reminding him to take his medication, right? NOPE. Apparently he is not a child, and take his own goddamned medication.
Its like we're the enemy. Infuriating.
I bet she realizes soon she's being an ingrate even if she's too stubborn to admit it.