The Name Game...

[blndsnbrdr]

I'm sure this has been asked a million times before, but I want some input with my situation...


After a 12 year relationship/5 year marriage I'm filing papers this month. It's fairly amicable all things considered (no abuse, no threats, etc) and we're just working out a few financial things before the paperwork is officially filed. We have no joint property, no children, no weird drama and I currently have his last name.

In the filing I have the option to request a name change. I have NO desire to go back to my maiden name (don't speak to my father, would like to avoid the "oh, you're related to..." association, etc) but keeping my married name seems weird. He initially said it doesn't matter and I can keep it which I think I want to do. I'll approach him about it again before I officially file. 

Or I'll just make up a new name...that'll be fun to explain to the world...
(also have no attachment to mother's maiden name, so it's out as an option)

Thoughts?
What did you do? 
If you didn't have kids was it weird to have an X's name?
Any horror stories of things going awry after you kept his name?

To me, it's just a name...and it's the name I've had all of my adult life so why can't I keep it?

[mcc]

He can't make you change it back no matter what. If you want to keep it, keep it. I changed back but had a foreign last name that was difficult to pronounce and was married for less than 2 years. I would decide and not consult with your STBXH.

[MyName]

Hi, I am in a similar situation - 12 yr relationship, 4 yrs married, no kids/property/etc. There was a fair amount of drama, cheating and emotional abuse in my case though, so I can see how mine is different.

I think you should do whatever you feel is best for you. And I don't think there's any harm in waiting until you have a strong feeling either way. You may just end up just keeping it, and I don't think it's that big of a deal.

I, personally, cannot fucking wait to officially change my name back. I like my married name, but I hate the association and the symbolism of it. I never even officially updated my name a lot of places, so I still say "Jen [MarriedName] but it might be under [MaidenName].

[kitkat1502]

You don't have to ask your STBXH's permission to keep "his" last name. If you want to keep it, keep it.

I have no children with my XH, but I kept my name as is and did not opt to revert back to my maiden name.

[cuddlyevil]

You don't need his permission to keep his last name.

If you want to change it, g'head.

I have it in our paperwork so I have the option to change my name if I choose. It's a giant pain in the ass, so I might not. Plus we have kids, so if anything I might hyphenate my maiden name and my married name.

[becwheat]

Are there any other family names going back in your genealogy that you may want?

In the end just do what feels right!

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I kept my married name but if I could do it again, I'd change it back. I don't have any bad feelings toward XH but there wasn't any real reason for me to keep it. I was honestly just lazy.

I have almost no relationship with my father but my maiden name was mine, you know? I don't care that I shared it with a man I don't really know, I spent 26 years with that name. I miss it.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I never changed mine to begin w using stbxh ln socially and using both professionally but I'm in the process of phasing out stbxh's ln and going back to using mine alone.

[geekychic]

If I changed my name back, it is the last time ever, because it is such PITA.

I had this thought today: So if I get remarried, I am not changing my name. Then there is my non-existent husband's last name. And if he has kids, their last names (I won't assume they have his last name). So there will be 17 million last names in one family unit....And that started my waffling over the last name issue for the day.

Who am I kidding though, I am changing it back. I am done with it.

Also, I have heard from many other divorced moms that last name disparity between moms and kids is NBD nowadays.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 18, 2014 13:10:56 GMT -5 geekychic said:

If I changed my name back, it is the last time ever, because it is such PITA.

I had this thought today: So if I get remarried, I am not changing my name. Then there is my non-existent husband's last name. And if he has kids, their last names (I won't assume they have his last name). So there will be 17 million last names in one family unit....And that started my waffling over the last name issue for the day.

Who am I kidding though, I am changing it back. I am done with it.

Also, I have heard from many other divorced moms that last name disparity between moms and kids is NBD nowadays.

I've resigned myself to the fact that if I ever get remarried we'll be a 3 ln household - mine, his and dd's (she has stbxh's ln). I didn't change it the 1st time around and I won't be changing it if there's a 2nd.

[Deleted]

I changed mine back. I'm glad I did. TBH, even though my BF obviously knows I was married before, I feel a little weird whenever I get junk mail or something comes up where I'm address to as my married name. It just feels wrong being attached to my XH's name when I'm in a new committed relatioship. On the other hand, it might not feel weird if that actually WAS my name, lol. Since I changed it in the divorce my married name feels very tied to being married. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if I never changed it back.

Frankly, I never liked my first name and married name together so that had a lot to do with it. And I felt oddly attached to my maiden name when I changed it the first time - I felt some sense of loss. I was glad to get it back. I am not sure what I'll do if I get remarried, but I lean toward keeping my maiden name forever.

[cam13]

I was in a similar relationship as you, at least time-wise; we'd been together 13 years and married for 7 years when we divorced. I included the option to change my name back to my maiden in the decree because I really love it and have always felt more maiden name than married name. But, I am almost 2 years post-split and still haven't changed it legally. I have socially though. I'm definitely going to change it soon though, so I can register to vote.

[riverpestie]

I changed mine back, even though my relationship with my father sucked. It was my name.
My XH and I were married for 16 months before separation and I hadn't even gotten around to fully changing to my married name. Work and school knew me as my maiden name, but SS and my driver's license had the married name.
So, while my situation is very different from yours, I am in agreement with the others, do what you want!

I will have to say that I, too, feel weird when something comes up with my maiden name. So, I am glad I changed it back.

[Deleted]

Sept 18, 2014 13:24:29 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I changed mine back. I'm glad I did. TBH, even though my BF obviously knows I was married before, I feel a little weird whenever I get junk mail or something comes up where I'm addressed as my married name. It just feels wrong being attached to my XH's name when I'm in a new committed relatioship. On the other hand, it might not feel weird if that actually WAS my name, lol. Since I changed it in the divorce my married name feels very tied to being married. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if I never changed it back.

Frankly, I never liked my first name and married name together so that had a lot to do with it. And I felt oddly attached to my maiden name when I changed it the first time - I felt some sense of loss. I was glad to get it back. I am not sure what I'll do if I get remarried, but I lean toward keeping my maiden name forever.

Yes!  The bolded is EXACTLY how i feel.

 We had no kids, were married less than one year and his name was an ethnic/foreign name that obviously was not my ethnicity.  
I'm not sure that I'd ever actually want to change my name when I get married again.  It's like a weird way of losing your identity or something.  BUT, bf has already told me that if we get married he wants me to take his name.  His name is kind of generic, like smith.  And TBH it's his stepdad's name...whom he has no relationship with.  Before his stepdad adopted him, he had his mother's maiden name. Ehh...

[Deleted]

Do what you want to do. I couldn't wait to change my name back to my maiden name.  I didn't want any association with my douche bag ex and his family.  His last name was also hard to pronounce and spell. Plus I loved my maiden name, it fits me being a redheaded, blue eyed Irish girl. So it was a no brainer for me to switch back.

 

[berbles]

Sept 18, 2014 12:34:31 GMT -5 blndsnbrdr said:

I'm sure this has been asked a million times before, but I want some input with my situation...


After a 12 year relationship/5 year marriage I'm filing papers this month. It's fairly amicable all things considered (no abuse, no threats, etc) and we're just working out a few financial things before the paperwork is officially filed. We have no joint property, no children, no weird drama and I currently have his last name.

In the filing I have the option to request a name change. I have NO desire to go back to my maiden name (don't speak to my father, would like to avoid the "oh, you're related to..." association, etc) but keeping my married name seems weird. He initially said it doesn't matter and I can keep it which I think I want to do. I'll approach him about it again before I officially file. 

Or I'll just make up a new name...that'll be fun to explain to the world...
(also have no attachment to mother's maiden name, so it's out as an option)

Thoughts?
What did you do? 
If you didn't have kids was it weird to have an X's name?
Any horror stories of things going awry after you kept his name?

To me, it's just a name...and it's the name I've had all of my adult life so why can't I keep it?

I could have written this post!  We split just before our 6th wedding anniversary/12th dating anniversary.

I have a mostly superficial relationship with my dad, and my maiden name is SUUUUUUPER common.  


So I like to say that at least with my married name I don't have to judge people's intelligence when they ask me how to spell it.

And! My married name is Hispanic.  I am blonde.  Which makes it fun when cashiers or servers check my ID.  There is a lot of double-taking.

But mostly, I'm fucking lazy.  And I think I would like to re-marry and will probably take a new married name, so why bother with an additional name-change?  Most people know me by this name now, so meh.  I've never asked XH if he thinks it's weird that I kept his name.

My grandmother has kept my grandfather's last name, 40+ years since they divorced.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 18, 2014 14:42:09 GMT -5 berbles said:

Sept 18, 2014 12:34:31 GMT -5 blndsnbrdr said:

I'm sure this has been asked a million times before, but I want some input with my situation...


After a 12 year relationship/5 year marriage I'm filing papers this month. It's fairly amicable all things considered (no abuse, no threats, etc) and we're just working out a few financial things before the paperwork is officially filed. We have no joint property, no children, no weird drama and I currently have his last name.

In the filing I have the option to request a name change. I have NO desire to go back to my maiden name (don't speak to my father, would like to avoid the "oh, you're related to..." association, etc) but keeping my married name seems weird. He initially said it doesn't matter and I can keep it which I think I want to do. I'll approach him about it again before I officially file. 

Or I'll just make up a new name...that'll be fun to explain to the world...
(also have no attachment to mother's maiden name, so it's out as an option)

Thoughts?
What did you do? 
If you didn't have kids was it weird to have an X's name?
Any horror stories of things going awry after you kept his name?

To me, it's just a name...and it's the name I've had all of my adult life so why can't I keep it?

My grandmother has kept my grandfather's last name, 40+ years since they divorced.

my grandmother always went back to her 1st married name (my dad's dad) after her 2 divorces.

[jigsy]

I am keeping my married name I think, mostly because it is easier. Professionally, it's what I have been known as for 6 years. It is the name that is on my degree...I think it would be a PITA to change. Our separation hasn't been contentious, we have no kids, etc.

Though I have been thinking more about changing back. Anyone know the process for changing things like degrees and all that.

[Deleted]

I'm changing my name back.

My cousin changed her name to our grandmothers maiden name since there was no one to continue it on.

If you don't want your maiden name or your ex's name, I'd pick a new one.

[glitzyglow]

After my divorce I got a brand-new-to-me last name (I took my step-dad and mom's last name). I had no connection to my maiden name and I didn't want to keep my married name.

[onedayatatime]

I don't think its weird at all if you keep your married name -- and you don't need STBX's permission.  I do think your thoughts on this may evolve or become clearer with time - so leave your options open.

At the time of the divorce xh and I had been together 12 years/just shy of 5 years married.
No kids.


I never really loved my maiden name -- not because I have bad associations with my family -- but its long and difficult to spell and pronounce. At first I really didn't want to change my name back because I didn't want to tell everyone about the divorce and I have been working with my new name for almost 5 of the 8 years in my job.



But, the deciding factor for me to change my name was that my married name is an unusual Hispanic name and I am a fair redhead. People ask me about my name all the time - and I don't want to have to say "its my ex husbands name..." indefinitely.

I looked at is as two options 1) Change my name back and probably never change it again or 2) Leave my name alone and change it later when I remarry.  I didn't want to have this pressure of delaying a change for a remarriage - so I am going to rip the band-aid and change it now.

[mel]

I kept my ex's last name. I want to have the same last name as my kid and I'm too damn lazy to go through another name change.

[Deleted]

Sept 18, 2014 17:27:57 GMT -5 mel said:

I kept my ex's last name. I want to have the same last name as my kid and I'm too damn lazy to go through another name change.

I can understand that. When my mom remarried after my dad passed away, she kept my dads name and hyphenated my stepdads name.  That way she and I still shared the same last name.  I still have to ask her, who are you in this bank/pharmacy/office etc? Because sometimes she uses one, the other or both!

[abcdefu]

Sept 18, 2014 12:38:17 GMT -5 mcc said:

He can't make you change it back no matter what. If you want to keep it, keep it. I changed back but had a foreign last name that was difficult to pronounce and was married for less than 2 years. I would decide and not consult with your STBXH.

ditto this word for word!

[mcc]

Sept 18, 2014 20:00:04 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

Sept 18, 2014 12:38:17 GMT -5 mcc said:

He can't make you change it back no matter what. If you want to keep it, keep it. I changed back but had a foreign last name that was difficult to pronounce and was married for less than 2 years. I would decide and not consult with your STBXH.

ditto this word for word!

seriously--even reading it I would mispronounce it in my head!  It was an Israeli name that had a "Ch" and made it impossible for anyone to pronounce.  Everyone thought it was Asian because it had a combo of letters in it similar in some Asian last names. It also had Moroccan origins so all Israelis who could actually pronounce it would say, "Oh you're Moroccan!". OMG NO! Give me my 8 letter last name at the end of the alphabet back any day!

[abcdefu]

Sept 18, 2014 20:07:15 GMT -5 mcc said:

Sept 18, 2014 20:00:04 GMT -5 abcdefu said:

ditto this word for word!

seriously--even reading it I would mispronounce it in my head!  It was an Israeli name that had a "Ch" and made it impossible for anyone to pronounce.  Everyone thought it was Asian because it had a combo of letters in it similar in some Asian last names. It also had Moroccan origins so all Israelis who could actually pronounce it would say, "Oh you're Moroccan!". OMG NO! Give me my 8 letter last name at the end of the alphabet back any day!

Mine was easy to pronounce and was a common Hispanic last name. Everyone expected me to be a Hispanic woman but when I would show up to appointments, they would be shocked and it was obvious. Spanish telemarketers would call me all the time. I probably won't change my last name again if I get remarried.

[GilliC]

My original plan was to keep XH's name, and then if I ever remarried, change back to my maiden name then (I felt I would be uncomfortable having some other guy's last name if I was married, and I don't want to take a husband's name again).

I kept XH's name for a while but eventually went back to my maiden name. His was an extremely common Indian surname that wasn't so recognizable outside South Asia. Eventually I got tired of the conversation that went, "Where is your name from?" "India." "Oh, is your father Indian?" "No, my ex-husband is."

I also considered coming up with a new name, because I share a surname with an annoying German celebrity, but I didn't find anything I liked.

I would have your paperwork drawn up so that you have the option to change your name and then do it later if you decide to. There's no reason to make the decision now if you're not yet sure.

[kaneen]

I changed my name back to my maiden name. I have zero relationship with my bio dad so I never even really thought of it as his name...more it was MINE. Changing back to my name seemed like it made everything more final.

Of course, I was 26 when I got divorced so it's not like I was established professionally with that name. We also didn't have children so that wasn't a consideration.

[alexithymia]

I actually can't wait to be able to change my name back. I always figured I'd change it when I got married, and didn't think I'd have that much of an attachment to it, but I really did feel like a part of my identity was taken away when I changed it. I think it will be a big part of me feeling whole again once the divorce is final.

[mysterons]

I changed mine back to my maiden name in the divorce decree. It was not a difficult decision as I missed my last name. If I get remarried, I plan to keep my maiden name.