Why is it the norm to MYOB when finding out about affairs?

[rose1203]

Semi-lurker with a question.  Why is it commonplace to MYOB when it comes to other people's affairs.  Long story short....I found out that an acquaintance cheated on his wife with a coworker who is also married.  I do not know if it was just a one time thing or is ongoing.  I am expected by my DH to not get involved and I get that it is not my business.  But I wonder, why are people expected to not tell the spouse they have been cheated on?  Also, I feel like I am now doing something wrong by not giving the spouse a heads up :/  They have young children as I do and it makes me sick for her.   

If I was being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me! 

Thoughts?

(I am not expecting any resolution to my question...just wanted to discuss)

[VeryViolet]

Because who knows what the real story is, maybe he is a cheating asshole and the wife has no idea, maybe they have an open marriage, maybe she knows and they are working on it, maybe she knows and doesn't want to deal with it, maybe it is all just made up gossip. Stepping into other people's marriages is almost always a bad idea.

[gozf]

I would absolutely fucking die if a co-worker or casual acquaintance dropped this news on me.

[CurlyQ284]

I think the person often gets mad at the messenger too.

[emjacobs]

It's none of your business. None. At all. Zero.

You do not know what the arrangement is that they have. You do not know what goes on in their marriage.

And until you have been told that your husband is cheating on you, and you know how that feels, do not say "If I was being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me!". You don't know.

[Kristinmo]

What do you mean you "found out?" Is it through the grapevine or you walked in on them having sex?

[madringal]

My mom knew for years that my dad was cheating. The shame of a divorce in our culture caused her to stay until my youngest sister was an adult. She didn't need anyone coming and telling her what she already knew and embarassing her further. MYOB.

[sequins]

How do you know he cheated?

[rose1203]

Sept 18, 2014 15:27:11 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

What do you mean you "found out?" Is it through the grapevine or you walked in on them having sex?

First hand from the husband :/

[LLL]

Their personal life is none of your concern. If no one is asking you to be involved, stay out of it. 

[jinkies]

I would be pretty upset if someone I knew well knew my husband was cheating and didn't tell me.

I can understand staying out if you are a more casual friend or acquaintance.

I knew that a friend of my husband cheated on his wife with his boss's 19 year old daughter. I stayed out of it bc I didn't have a close relationship with the wife, but avoided any situation where I would see her bc I felt so uncomfortable knowing.

[rose1203]

I am definitely going to mind my own business and not get involved!

I just feel bad about all of it I wish I didn't know about the affair.

[lurkerlou]

All of the above, plus there could be some bad fall out drama from which it would be best to stay far, far away.

[Deleted]

Because it's none of your business.

Because it's none of your business.

Because it's none of your business.

[jinkies]

Sept 18, 2014 15:26:34 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

And until you have been told that your husband is cheating on you, and you know how that feels, do not say "If I was being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me!". You don't know.

This is a fair point and makes me reconsider my response here.

[midnightsnack]

Sept 18, 2014 15:18:52 GMT -5 rose1203 said:

Semi-lurker with a question.  Why is it commonplace to MYOB when it comes to other people's affairs.  Long story short....I found out that an acquaintance cheated on his wife with a coworker who is also married.  I do not know if it was just a one time thing or is ongoing.  I am expected by my DH to not get involved and I get that it is not my business.  But I wonder, why are people expected to not tell the spouse they have been cheated on?  Also, I feel like I am now doing something wrong by not giving the spouse a heads up :/  They have young children as I do and it makes me sick for her.   

If I was being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me! 

Thoughts?

(I am not expecting any resolution to my question...just wanted to discuss)

I think it's mostly because people usually shoot the messenger.

Then again, knowing and saying nothing and then being discovered as having known and said nothing, is also bad.

It's a no-win situation.  There's really no way to get involved that is going to be even remotely helpful.

[EmilieMadison]

Keep your mouth shut. I dont understand why you would want to intervene in someone's life like this, when you barely know them. If YOU, as a mere acquaintance, found out that this guy cheated on his wife, chances are his wife already knows.

Also, who cares what you would want if your husband cheated? You dont know whether this is what she'd want. And even if it is, you MYOB because it really ISN'T your business. 

[rose1203]

Sept 18, 2014 15:35:12 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Sept 18, 2014 15:30:28 GMT -5 rose1203 said:

First hand from the husband :/

He just randomly told you that he was cheating on his wife?

He is close to my husband and we were all together and he told us after drinking.  I am not close with his wife but see her at various functions. 

I do get that it is not my business, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad about not telling her. 

[elleblue]

Sept 18, 2014 15:30:28 GMT -5 rose1203 said:

Sept 18, 2014 15:27:11 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

What do you mean you "found out?" Is it through the grapevine or you walked in on them having sex?

First hand from the husband :/

Wait, explain please. Did he just roll up and say "I'm having an affair with co-worker" or by husband do you mean the husband of one of the cheaters, in which case how do you know him and why would he share that info with you? 

[Deleted]

I had a close friend who carried on an affair with her married co-worker for a year. She was my roommate at the time as well. It caused a lot of friction in our relationship because I thought what she was doing was wrong and was not shy about my opinion. I felt terrible for the poor wife. This was not a situation where they had an open marriage, or that she knew he was a cheater already; she was just the naive, trusting wife.

When my friend finally broke off the relationship (because it became clear he wasn't going to leave his wife) the cheater and his wife had a baby nine months and two weeks later. I still wonder about the wife and wonder if I should have said something. She had a baby with a guy who had carried on a year long affair behind her back. I wonder if she knew if she still would have had a baby with him.

[zoomzoom]

Sept 18, 2014 15:44:10 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

I get the whole MYOB. That said, I would want to know personally. Doesn't mean I'd go off and tell the person myself, but I would seriously consider it if it were my best friend or someone close

And I've been in this situation too. My Best Friend (male) was deployed and I thought his wife (also my close friend) was cheating on him. I still don't know to this day if she actually did or not but I was pretty suspicious. Still haven't said anything to this day. I don't know for sure. BUT had I caught her in bed or something? I would have seriously considered it. Flameful or not

In this situation, you are close to the parties involved so I can see saying something to your BF.  In OP's situation, it's definitely a MYOB thing.

[tictac]

Sept 18, 2014 15:44:50 GMT -5 rose1203 said:

Sept 18, 2014 15:35:12 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

He just randomly told you that he was cheating on his wife?

He is close to my husband and we were all together and he told us after drinking.  I am not close with his wife but see her at various functions. 

I do get that it is not my business, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad about not telling her. 

If he's so breezy about just dropping that kind of information, I'm willing to bet the wife is already on to him.

[flex]

You're new here, aren't you?

[berbles]

Sounds like he wants to get caught. Doesn't mean you have to out him.

[rose1203]

Sept 18, 2014 15:42:10 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Sept 18, 2014 15:30:28 GMT -5 rose1203 said:

First hand from the husband :/

So, he confessed to you? What did you say? 

I would probably say something like, "You must not be concerned with that information getting back to your wife if you're so openly sharing it."

He had been drinking and said he had to tell us something.  No one else knows but us. I said that I was disappointed

Again, I am not going to tell her. Btw, they are not poly or in an open marriage. I am not going to get involved for all of the reasons posted. I just wanted to discuss this here because I can't talk to anyone else about it IRL except DH. 

[rose1203]

Sept 18, 2014 15:55:49 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

tell me, What does semi-lurker mean to you?

It means I occasionally read and occasionally post. Why?

[rose1203]

Sept 18, 2014 15:50:12 GMT -5 flex said:

You're new here, aren't you?

I have read the board randomly since the beginning. What is your point besides being condescending?

[glitzyglow]

I will probably get flamed to high hell for saying this, but I'm firmly not in the MYOB camp (and I've said it here before).

A cheating partner opens up the innocent partner to a host of STDs; obviously the innocent party doesn't know that his or her health is being put in jeopardy by a trusted loved one.

Sexual health is a form of health not any less important than physical or emotional health and I'm not going to sit around knowing someone is being put at risk because "it's none of my business." If I have the information, I will share it (and I have before). Whatever he or she decides to do with the information is none of my business, but he or she at least needs access to the information so he or she can have the choice to use the information or not.

[Deleted]

I have really mixed feelings on this topic, always. I have been cheated on and I'm glad I found out. I actually did actively dislike all the people my XH was friends with who knew he was cheating on me and went along with it without telling me, even though rationally I know it wasn't their place (none of them were close friends, just people I knew through him). It made me feel like that whole group was fully of shitty shady people who stand by and support their friends cheating.

On the other hand, it is mortifying to be cheated on and some people are really private about the fact that it happened. I talk about it whenever it comes up on here, but most people IRL don't even know that contributed to the end of my marriage. I know I have no reason to be ashamed, but I would rather people didn't know. So, I'm not sure how I would have felt if someone I knew casually told me. Probably grateful and totally embarassed.

In the end, you have nothing to gain by telling and that's ultimately why I think it's good for people to MYOB in these situations. It's just going to add drama to YOUR life if you say something, and that doesn't help you in any way. But if I was the wife I would not want to be in the dark, which makes it a tough situation for everyone.

[karmasabiotch]

You never know what is going on behind closed doors. It is a MYOB situation. You don't have all sides of the story.