Could you date someone with a less than ideal past

[bonquiqui]

I get that we all make mistakes, but could you/would you date someone who has a criminal history? They have seemingly turned their life around. It was drunk driving that resulted in a head on collision, if the crime makes a difference. 4 years have passed, and he now has served his time, has full custody of his son, a high paying career, a business professional with his old job back, in school for his masters, and sober for 4 years.

PDQ will probably delete the deets later

[birdistheword]

In this instance, yes, I think I could.

ETA: But at the first sign of any kind of drinking, etc I would be out.

ETA again: I keep thinking about this more and changing my answer. I don't know if I could because I like to be able to have alcohol in the house and have a drink when I want. I think I would have to REALLY like the guy and just kind of cautiously see how it went.

[Booze Raccoon]

My first thought was no.  BUT ... if I got to know him and liked him I would probably give him a chance.  

[Deleted]

That's a tough one. I'm not sure. I can normally look past people past which doesn't always give me stellar results lol. Drunk driving is a big no no in my book, but that's something he has to live with everyday.

Was he an alcoholic? Or just really stupid? ( I don't even think really stupid is the right term because of the outcome, it was much more then that)

So if he ever drank again, would that be a deal breaker?

[missmaddie]

Sept 20, 2014 9:29:26 GMT -5 birdistheword said:

In this instance, yes, I think I could.

ETA: But at the first sign of any kind of drinking, etc I would be out.

This.

[hopecounts]

Personally no.
but DWI is something that is a huge deal to me personally.

[jlt19]

Yes. Based on personal experience (not with DH, but with a friend of mine) I don't think a person's past has to define their future.

[Deleted]

I think so.

[verycontrary247]

In this instance, yes.

If they had that kind of history and was still drinking heavily then hell to the no, but it at least sounds like they learned from their lesson.

[Deleted]

Yes, I could. It sounds like he's taken full responsibility for his mistakes and completely turned his life around. How a person handles adversity is a true test of character and this guy passes with flying colors.

Also... I'm sure I did lots of stupid shit when I was younger; I just didn't get caught.

[bonquiqui]

Sept 20, 2014 9:31:07 GMT -5 @bean said:

That's a tough one. I'm not sure. I can normally look past people past which doesn't always give me stellar results lol. Drunk driving is a big no no in my book, but that's something he has to live with everyday.

Was he an alcoholic? Or just really stupid? ( I don't even think really stupid is the right term because of the outcome, it was much more then that)

So if he ever drank again, would that be a deal breaker?

An alcoholic.

[bonquiqui]

Sept 20, 2014 9:39:31 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Sept 20, 2014 9:23:46 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

PDQ will probably delete the deets later

was someone hurt?

Yes, she apparently was in critical condition for awhile.

[Deleted]

Probably not?

I personally would be more concerned about the implications of having a felony criminal record than him being an alcoholic at this point.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2014 9:41:38 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

Sept 20, 2014 9:31:07 GMT -5 @bean said:

That's a tough one. I'm not sure. I can normally look past people past which doesn't always give me stellar results lol. Drunk driving is a big no no in my book, but that's something he has to live with everyday.

Was he an alcoholic? Or just really stupid? ( I don't even think really stupid is the right term because of the outcome, it was much more then that)

So if he ever drank again, would that be a deal breaker?

An alcoholic.

Then I personally don't think I could. People do change and clearly the courts see his progress. I'd just be concerned about him drinking again. You know? He's never going to touch a drink again? Does he ever feel tempted? How does he cope with tough situations. I dont know. :/

[Kristinmo]

@cse1960 she said PDQ.

[Kristinmo]

I don't know. I think I could but I would be very cautious.

[bonquiqui]

Yeah, these are all things that I have thought about too. I am super sheltered and didn't know if I was overthinking this. You guys have all brought up good points.

[sugarbear]

A very good friend dated a guy who had done time for manslaughter. His story sounded plausible, I suppose, but I don't think I could have gotten past it. Then again, he never really got his life back together.

In your situation, I might try.

[Eagles]

Yes. He has clearly done a 180 and has his life together.

[macmars45]

Nope, couldn't do it. There'd be too many what ifs for me and I wouldn't be comfortable.

[bonquiqui]

Sept 20, 2014 9:50:10 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

My thoughts are along the lines of, and I'm not sure this makes much sense, how long it took and what it took for him to take stock and turn his life around. He didn't stop drinking till he nearly killed someone and spent time in prison for it. Everyone knows if you drink and drive you risk killing someone. It took him nearly killing someone and being removed from society by force, before he stopped. Most people don't have to have that lesson, you know?

Is she ok? Did he pay all her bills?

Believe me I know. He says she is doing well today, and said that at his sentencing she told him that she forgave him. He says he will never forget it, and regrets that decision every single day.

In my heart of hearts I know this probably wasn't the first time he ever drove under the influence. I feel very strongly about drinking and driving and can honestly say that I have never driven with alcohol in my system. I won't even drink a sip of wine and drive an hour later.

[bubblywater]

I think it is very person dependent, some people can truly turn their life around and others will be on a life long roller coaster. My brother made a stupid mistake when he was young and is a great dad, husband, and citizen now...that makes me more open to people with checkered pasts.

I just went on a date with a bartender (I met him at a wedding) because he seemed fun. The date was fun but I also learned about his former heroin addiction. That is such a serious addiction, we won't go any further.

[Eagles]

Sept 20, 2014 9:58:13 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

If he had only been sober for 8 months or a year, I would say to be more cautious.  It really seems like he has moved totally away from the person he used to be. 

[meredithblake]

Yes, four years is a fairly long time. I don't think I would be as concerned as if it had been less time. For instance, my brother has only been sober 5 months and I feel like I'm still on edge waiting for a phone call that he started drinking again and did something stupid. It would really depend on the person though.

My parents are both alcoholics and both had DUIs before they got sober. They have now both been sober over 30 years.  Both have had extremely successful careers and "turned their lives around." I grew up hearing about addiction all the time, and I know how much it can change a person when they are using.  What he did at the time he was using might not be a good indication of who he is as a person.

I would proceed with caution though.

[flex]

I have many friends who have had accidents or an arrest history (and even caused deaths) while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. I, personally, should have had DUI's because of the poor choices I made, but I was never caught. So who am I to judge if someone has been arrested while under the influence?

The deal breaker for me to decide whether or not to date a person would be how much sobriety time they have now and what their attitude is about it. Then I'd go from there.

[bonquiqui]

Sept 20, 2014 10:06:14 GMT -5 @smace said:

It bothers me that he said "he regrets the decision" which makes it sound like it was one bad decision. One bad day. Alcoholism is much more than that. If he hasn't acknowledged that, I'd run.

This is so much more than one day. One decision. One wrong choice. One is always an alcoholic. Always. One can be in recovery but they'll always be an Alcoholic.

He does realize that it was more than one incident. I feel like I have so many questions myself, but he did say he was an open book, and would answer anything I wanted to know.

I totally get what you are saying though, and have wondered similar things.

[flex]

Sept 20, 2014 9:58:46 GMT -5 bubblywater said:

I think it is very person dependent, some people can truly turn their life around and others will be on a life long roller coaster. My brother made a stupid mistake when he was young and is a great dad, husband, and citizen now...that makes me more open to people with checkered pasts.

I just went on a date with a bartender (I met him at a wedding) because he seemed fun. The date was fun but I also learned about his former heroin addiction. That is such a serious addiction, we won't go any further.

No such thing as a "former" heroin addict.  You may not be an 'active' heroin user, but you'll always be an addict.

[alicenelson]

In my younger, pre-married years, I would have said yes.  With age (and life), however, comes perspective (notice I did not say wisdom).  Now, I'm not so sure.  I *think* I might be a little more selective, as shallow as that sounds and feels.

[underwaterrhymes]

It would depend.

I'm ultra sensitive to this because of how I grew up. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Both are in recovery. It has been a terribly difficult road and it would be hard for me to get past that because of my own personal issues, not because of someone's past.

That said, I see through my parents how really amazing people can be completely overtaken by alcohol and drug dependency. Hitting rock bottom is tremendously eye opening and can truly turn things around. But even then it's still day-by-day.

I don't think you should look at this as whether or not he is a good person or whether he is truly sober forever and ever because no one can know that. You should instead consider your feelings for him, his character, and how you feel you can fit into his sobriety. It's important that you aren't embarrassed by his past and that you feel comfortable (or that you can eventually be comfortable) acknowledging that he is an alcoholic.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. I guess what I'm saying is this shouldn't be a decision based on his alcoholism, but rather based on what you know about his character as a person as well as what you know about you and how you can deal with his past.

[Deleted]

I don't think I would.

It's not my place to sit in judgment on him. Everything you've said is truly commendable. I say this as someone watching a friend struggle through a marriage to an alcoholic, who is not so commendable (to put it mildly).

If this post were about sticking with someone you were already tied to, then my answer would be different. But there are so many guys in this world. Why even let yourself get attached to someone with so much baggage?