What would you do about this funeral situation?

[cats]

I have no help, but I am sorry for everything. Hugs to your BFF and her DD.

[isabel]

Oh, how awful for everyone. I don't really know what I would do in that situation, but I think I would keep K home and try to help her process things with a therapist. I feel so bad for her.

eta: I think it would be really awful for K not to go, but you have to respect the dad's wishes, right? Adding to his pain by showing up seems wrong somehow.

[margotmacomber]

I would probably take her to the funeral.  She will be lost in a sea of kids most likely, and I would stay away from the father.  Explain that he is grieving and maybe in a few months or so she can write him a nice letter or something about their friendship and what it meant to her.  It might help her grieve and he might be appreciative of it later down the road.

[lovelovelove]

Omg! I have no idea what I would do. I feel awful for everyone. Hugs to your friend and her daughter- my thoughts are with them however this turns out.

[wannabe]

This is so sad all the way around.

Although PP is probably right and K wouldn't be noticeable in the sea of attendees, I just wouldn't take her if he expressly requested her not to attend. That sounds like a teaching moment to me, but not the good kind.

[ralphlauren]

I would still gave her attend. What a heartbreaking situation all around. How sad

[awick14]

So many hugs to everyone involved.

I have no idea what is do in the situation.

[shell24]

I understand the dad is hurting tremendously, but how awful for this young girl to be the recipient of that anger.

He obviously would have no idea who she is so I would take her to the funeral and just stay away from the dad.

[athena3210]

The father had no idea the two girls were really close friends?

As unfortunate as it sounds, I would respect the father's wishes. He's obviously not in a good mental shape and what if he sees the friend at the funeral and says something that could embarrass and further traumatize her?

[readyin07]

Wowwy wow That is so sad all around. Would he even know who k was on sight? I really don't know the "right" thing to do. Clearly he is just so grief stricken he has no idea what is up or down. I guess at the end of the day I would err on respecting his wishes and finding an alternative way to honor her friend on the day of the funeral. I am so sorry for everyone.

[circa1978]

I would respect the father's wishes. No matter how many kids are there, she has been specifically asked not to attend. The man is dealing with a tremendous amount of loss. I agree with counseling for her and a lot of talk to help her grieve and understand. Maybe there is another way to find closure. But no matter how close they were, IMO she isn't entitled to be at what may in fact be a private family gathering - particularly since for whatever reason he feels they have already overstepped.

[readyin07]

Sept 20, 2014 17:03:52 GMT -5 athena3210 said:

The father had no idea the two girls were really close friends?

As unfortunate as it sounds, I would respect the father's wishes. He's obviously not in a good mental shape and what if he sees the friend at the funeral and says something that could embarrass and further traumatize her?

This is what I am thinking too. She is in a bad emotional spot and I would hate to see him say something hurtful that would be traumatic for her. At least right now his anger has been filtered down through your friend and not directed at her.

[Deleted]

That's really sad

Is the funeral only open to family and really, really close friends?

If so, then I'd probably make it in to a life lesson for the girl since the dad might notice that she's there.

If it's open to anyone (which this is how all funerals I've been to have been), then I'd let the girl attend. She likely wouldn't get noticed and I'm sure it'd be nice for her to be there with her friends to help with the grief process.

[athena3210]

Instead of going to the funeral, maybe the mom can show her daughter alternative things they can do on that day to celebrate her friend's life. Something intimate, private and positive. Private because even though the #wear-a-certain-color thing was fine, it obviously didn't go over too well with the dad. His anger may be misplaced, but he's a mourning parent and I wouldn't want to unintentionally upset or hurt him any further.  I'd give him his space and do my own thing with my daughter. 

[sofamonkey]

This guy lost his wife and his daughter in the last year? His grief must be so immense.

To answer your OP, I wouldn't take her because he asked her not to go. I think a friend gathering later would be very appropriate, and very good for the kids. Is it possible for your friend to host a bunch of kids to come over for pizzas & reminiscing?

[lolo]

I find candlelight vigil with friends is often a very moving and powerful way to grieve. Perhaps something like that would work if she does not attend the funeral.

[auntie]

This is such an awful situation.

If this is a public funeral held in a church, I'd probably bring her or send her with her dad.

If he didn't know who his DD's BFFs are, shame on him. But the child will be able to discretely say her goodbyes without engaging the dad. I mean, if he doesn't know her, and he won't recognize her, what's the difference.

It's also possible in his grief that he knows her by some other name and is not associating the two and would be disappointed if she didn't attend.

The anger part is interesting. My dear niece, the one who lives with me, lost her boyfriend in an accident at home last month. They were a perfect couple and likely on their way to a more permanent relationship of some kind. I haven't shared much about it here because he was a minor celebrity in the area- enough that there was a tribute at Folk Fest and aa full page obit in the local paper. As lovely as his mom is, and I adore this lady, I think there's a part of her that hurts that other people knew him better at the time he died. She tries hard to be rational about that being appropriate given his age, but I know it's still hard.

[karmasabiotch]

Respect the dads wishes. After the funeral the girl can go to the grave maybe with the other friend and honor her memory in their own way that could be even more meaningful to them.

[Deleted]

Sept 20, 2014 17:52:18 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Sept 20, 2014 17:47:25 GMT -5 auntie said:

This is such an awful situation.

If this is a public funeral held in a church, I'd probably bring her or send her with her dad.

If he didn't know who his DD's BFFs are, shame on him. But the child will be able to discretely say her goodbyes without engaging the dad. I mean, if he doesn't know her, and he won't recognize her, what's the difference.

It's also possible in his grief that he knows her by some other name and is not associating the two and would be disappointed if she didn't attend.

The anger part is interesting. My dear niece, the one who lives with me, lost her boyfriend in an accident at home last month. They were a perfect couple and likely on their way to a more permanent relationship of some kind. I haven't shared much about it here because he was a minor celebrity in the area- enough that there was a tribute at Folk Fest and aa full page obit in the local paper. As lovely as his mom is, and I adore this lady, I think there's a part of her that hurts that other people knew him better at the time he died. She tries hard to be rational about that being appropriate given his age, but I know it's still hard.

No, no, no. I am really not understanding why anyone thinks it's a good idea to bring her. 

I was just thinking if she's the only one out of dozens of high school friends that won't be there, how heart breaking.

Obviously the dad has every right to tell her not to come and his feelings are probably the most important, but if he won't even notice if she's in the back amongst lots of teens, then I'd really consider having her go. 

But I know that might be flameful, but that was just my first thought even if it's not "correct". What a sad situation. 

[callalily]

I would never put my daughter in a situation where I know there could potentially be bad blood. A funeral is not the place for drama. I would respect the dads wishes and find ways to help my daughter grieve separately.

Grief makes perfectly lovely people go off their paths. I can't control how someone choses to grieve, but I can control putting my child in a path where someone's grief could unintentionally cause her more pain.

[Eagles]

Sept 20, 2014 17:52:18 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Sept 20, 2014 17:47:25 GMT -5 auntie said:

This is such an awful situation.

If this is a public funeral held in a church, I'd probably bring her or send her with her dad.

If he didn't know who his DD's BFFs are, shame on him. But the child will be able to discretely say her goodbyes without engaging the dad. I mean, if he doesn't know her, and he won't recognize her, what's the difference.

It's also possible in his grief that he knows her by some other name and is not associating the two and would be disappointed if she didn't attend.

The anger part is interesting. My dear niece, the one who lives with me, lost her boyfriend in an accident at home last month. They were a perfect couple and likely on their way to a more permanent relationship of some kind. I haven't shared much about it here because he was a minor celebrity in the area- enough that there was a tribute at Folk Fest and aa full page obit in the local paper. As lovely as his mom is, and I adore this lady, I think there's a part of her that hurts that other people knew him better at the time he died. She tries hard to be rational about that being appropriate given his age, but I know it's still hard.

No, no, no. I am really not understanding why anyone thinks it's a good idea to bring her. Kids have lots of 'BFFs', it's not his fault if he doesn't know her. JHC

Seriously. The dad's explicit wishes trump all here.

[sapphireblue]

My heart breaks for that father, and for @smace 's relatives too. How sad for anyone to have to bury their child.

This is tough. The father's reaction is unfortunate, and he is probably wrong since the girl was in the phone under a role-playing name.

I tend to agree with the advice to not go since she was specifically told not to. But I think maybe your BFF should message the dad once more and share the name that her daughter was probably entered into the phone with, and say her daughter would really like to attend the funeral. But this may be bad advice, given his grief. I don't know. I just think that he made a mistake and perhaps would change his mind if she shared the role-playing name and he saw that they really WERE close when he looked in her phone. But at the same time, I would be hesitant to contact a grieving father on the eve of his daughter's funeral. How awful.

I liked SMACE's suggestion about organizing some sort of memorial after the actual funeral. It is a very nice idea.

I am so sorry for everyone in this thread who has lost a niece or nephew or niece's boyfriend, etc. So heartbreaking.

[MixedBerryJam]

I am shocked at all the suggestions to bring the girl and not respect the grieving father's wishes. It's a horrible situation for everyone involved, but with her mom's guidance the girl can learn that everyone's grief needs to be respected, and together they can come up with a meaningful way grieve her friend's loss in a way that does not risk adding to the father's.

[tacokick]

It is sad but if the dad said no, his wishes stand. Let the girl throw her own HS friend memorial. Leave the poor guy alone! He has lost so much.

[CajunShrimp]

What an awful situation.

I wouldn't bring her. As much as this is a horrible situation for your daughter, it is a million times worse for the dad. What if he sees her and it sets him off and it causes a scene? This is probably the worst day of his life. Don't make it worse by doing this. I think you need to put his grief above your daughter's, and find a suitable way to remember her in your own way. I know it sucks.

[lilafowler]

What an absolutely shitty situation for everyone.

I would respect dad's wishes. I know that's horrible for your friend's daughter but hopefully, in time, she can understand why.

I feel so bad for her though. Poor kid.

Poor everybody.

[penguingrrl]

What a sad situation. I would absolutely respect the father's wishes. Have your friend let her daughter grieve and say goodbye privately in a manner that doesn't risk upsetting the father further. Right or wrong, his wishes and feelings are valid and need to be respected.

[spellingbea]

That poor man has lost his family. His wishes, rational or not, trump everyone else's.

[derp]

Sept 20, 2014 17:17:19 GMT -5 @smace said:

anyway, I think I'd try to urge my daughter to host her own memorial for her, maybe the day after the funeral. Invite friends if she so chooses and they can mourn without anyone worrying how others will react to the presence of a person. 

No, this is a terrible idea. The hashtag thing already made him angry and made him feel thunderjacked in his grief. If he catches wind that this same girl organized her own, separate memorial, it's bound to incite him further.

She should be helped to figure out a way to grieve privately, unfortunate as that is.

[RoxMonster]

I would respect the dad's wishes and not go. Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. He is sick with grief and this is what he wants right now. May he come around later, possibly, and contact her to apologize? Maybe. Maybe not. I would not contact him any further. While I don't think it was wrong of one of her best friends to initiate a memorial hashtag for her, he felt differently, most likely because he is beside himself right now, so I can't fault him.

Is the deceased being buried in a cemetery? If so, a week or so after she is buried, I would take my daughter to visit her grave and say her goodbyes. It is such a shitty situation all around, but the father's wishes trump all right now.