Judged by DH

[curbsideprophet]

OP I am sorry he treats you so poorly.

[thatgirl2478]

is he still alive?  do you need help cleaning up the blood spatter?  need a hand disposing of the body?

[SJ]

I hope the unanimous chorus here helps you see a little more clearly. We are here for support and strength. This is not normal or acceptable behavior.

[redheadk]

Sept 21, 2014 16:14:15 GMT -5 havarti said:

I feel like I'm the official poster of 800 numbers, but I know people don't always have the ability to make it to a counseler. The National Domestic ViolencenHotline is 1-800-799-7233. If you have access to a computer that he doesn't monitor you may want to look at this website. www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

I'm on a Kindle, can someone else cut and paste this list so she doesn't have to click over?

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?
Does your partner ever….

> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
> Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find all sorts of information on different forms of abuse. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-SAFE) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.

We’re here to help.

[hermione]

OP, I don't know if you have sons or daughters or both. Please keep in mind that sons grow up to be their fathers and daughters grow up to marry them. I am positive you don't want a son treating his wife the way you are treated or a daughter to be treated similarly. Stop the cycle now whether that means leaving your husband or demanding to be treated better.

[Marmee]

Sept 21, 2014 17:17:51 GMT -5 redheadk said:

Sept 21, 2014 16:14:15 GMT -5 havarti said:

I feel like I'm the official poster of 800 numbers, but I know people don't always have the ability to make it to a counseler. The National Domestic ViolencenHotline is 1-800-799-7233. If you have access to a computer that he doesn't monitor you may want to look at this website. www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

I'm on a Kindle, can someone else cut and paste this list so she doesn't have to click over?

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?
Does your partner ever….

> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
> Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find all sorts of information on different forms of abuse. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-SAFE) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.

We’re here to help.

im so sorry OP!  I hope you can stand up for yourself and end this.  My H had this pattern of silent treatment when he was mad at me & I finally realized it was emotionally abusive.  i emailed him the list of signs of emotional anuse similar to what I've quoted saying that he behaves this way & it's abusive.  i swear that changed him...i'm certain he didnt think it was harming me & certainly not abusive until then.  He's never treated me like that since (this was years ago).  it's worth a shot.  i'd definitely call him out when he has controlling or abusive behavior & use those words.  Even better go see someone if he'll cooperate.  take care of yourself.  you deserve better & dont have to put up with mistreatment.

[speckledfrog]

Sept 21, 2014 17:17:51 GMT -5 redheadk said:

Sept 21, 2014 16:14:15 GMT -5 havarti said:

I feel like I'm the official poster of 800 numbers, but I know people don't always have the ability to make it to a counseler. The National Domestic ViolencenHotline is 1-800-799-7233. If you have access to a computer that he doesn't monitor you may want to look at this website. www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

I'm on a Kindle, can someone else cut and paste this list so she doesn't have to click over?

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?
Does your partner ever….

> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
> Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find all sorts of information on different forms of abuse. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-SAFE) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.

We’re here to help.

So many battered women's stories involve the phrase "I stayed because it wasn't that bad.  At least he wasn't ____" but it's a rationalization.  You don't need to light up the whole checklist to have your relationship qualify as abusive.  When you are dealing with a master manipulator, your head has been so messed with that you don't know which way is up.   I encourage you, or anyone else who is reading and needs to hear this, to listen to the posters here.  Listen to your family, who clearly do not approve of the way he treats you.  Listen to the doubts in your head that tell you this dynamic is not right.  Call the number.  It doesn't mean you have to leave tomorrow.  All it means that there will be someone who knows exactly what you are going through is going to be there to listen to you and help you sort out what is really going on.

[zeewifeandmama]

I'm sorry

[carolinagirl831]

Hell no, my dh would be out on his ass if he said shit like this

[isabel]

All I can say is that my H would never dream of saying something like that to me. Holy shit, man.

[bowies]

I left an emotionally abusive marriage a few years ago. If you want to talk, please let me know.

You are worth so much more than this.

[jene]

You deserve so much better than this.

[Cicero]

It seems like you've gotten some good advice. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this.

[sent]

Have you ever heard of the phrase "emotional abuse"? I didn't know what that was and put up with a lot of crap for a long time because I was too naive to know any better. The day I came across that phrase, a lightbulb went off. A lot of the posters before me have explained emotional and verbal abuse for you. Please find someone to support you. What he said is not rational and acceptable in any universe.

[teatimefor2]

I am so sorry. I don't recall the backstory, but your DH should be supportive. You deserve better. Hugs.

[anna7602]

Shit, lilles, I'm sorry your H is controlling and abusive. Please listen to everyone in this thread and take care of yourself. There is absolutely no universe in which the stuff he does can be chalked up to a bad day or be rationalized away.

[thejen626]

Sept 21, 2014 18:44:04 GMT -5 suzubell said:

Sept 21, 2014 16:52:18 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I agree. I not usually running off to defend justjen but in this case I don't think she's so out of line. People asked for a backstory to form an opinion and she found it. It happens every day on here and in instances like this for good reason. It's important to know that he's a genuine jerk who is an abusive a$$ rather than just a bad day one-off situation.

Nobody asked for a backstory.  Some people mentioned not knowing it, but no one asked if it was a pattern, etc.  I stand by my opinion that it was a shitty and gossipy of jen to post former threads as "exhibits."  There was a kind, caring way to do it.  thejen626 has shows repeatedly that that isn't her style, including calling the OP's post ridiculous and MUD.

Look. You don't know me, although you seem to think you do. It's common to share threads. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last to provide links to previous posts. And I'm not the only person that said "wow I remember from previous posts that your husband is an asshole".

This thread isn't about me. It's about someone that is in a very unhealthy relationship and clearly needs help. She's mentioned it numerous times recently. OP posts this stuff, then doesn't reply. Then posts a few days later, same thing. And I've been on here long enough that when someone has constant drama, yes I do suspect it's being embellished to be more drama-rific. Her posts remind me of Bliss from MM. It's sad and like I said, I hope she is making it up.

Also, I just deleted the links that I had posted. I did not mean it in a hurtful way to OP, and that is why I deleted.

[yellowbrkrd]

I'm sorry you're being treated so poorly. You do not deserve this.

[Birdie]

Sept 21, 2014 15:59:58 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Wait, you can't pump? You should be able to feed your baby however you want!

This. Nothing makes me angrier than hearing about husbands trying to tell their wives how they should feed the baby. Yes, I believe they should get a voice and opinion in the matter. However, I do believe at the end of the day that if you're using mom's boobs, mom gets the final say. That's probably flameful, but whatever. 

Breastfeeding moms are still people and don't simply become milk machines once the baby is born. I've heard too many stories of exhausted new moms wanting to pump or supplement because they're not producing enough or having latch issues, baby isn't gaining weight and is constantly screaming and dad is like "formula is the devil. You have to breastfeed!!!" Dude. Feed your kids first by whatever means you can, then figure out how to solve the problem at hand.

Sorry I'll get off my soap box.

[justjen]

Sept 21, 2014 17:33:43 GMT -5 @this said:

Sept 21, 2014 16:52:18 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I agree. I not usually running off to defend justjen but in this case I don't think she's so out of line. People asked for a backstory to form an opinion and she found it. It happens every day on here and in instances like this for good reason. It's important to know that he's a genuine jerk who is an abusive a$$ rather than just a bad day one-off situation.

DO NOT CONFUSE justjen with thejen.

Jesus, @justdairy. lol

My hero (heart)

[lilles]

Sept 21, 2014 17:32:24 GMT -5 Marmee said:

Sept 21, 2014 17:17:51 GMT -5 redheadk said:

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?
Does your partner ever….

> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
> Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find all sorts of information on different forms of abuse. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-SAFE) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.

We’re here to help.

im so sorry OP!  I hope you can stand up for yourself and end this.  My H had this pattern of silent treatment when he was mad at me & I finally realized it was emotionally abusive.  i emailed him the list of signs of emotional anuse similar to what I've quoted saying that he behaves this way & it's abusive.  i swear that changed him...i'm certain he didnt think it was harming me & certainly not abusive until then.  He's never treated me like that since (this was years ago).  it's worth a shot.  i'd definitely call him out when he has controlling or abusive behavior & use those words.  Even better go see someone if he'll cooperate.  take care of yourself.  you deserve better & dont have to put up wit


mistreatment.

I texted him the list and he was mad that I would even imply that what he said could be construed as abusive. If anything hopefully it will give him pause before he says something like that again and lets him know how I feel he is acting.

[pugz]

But can't you be direct with him?

[cjeanette]

Sept 22, 2014 7:52:50 GMT -5 lilles said:

Sept 21, 2014 17:32:24 GMT -5 Marmee said:

im so sorry OP!  I hope you can stand up for yourself and end this.  My H had this pattern of silent treatment when he was mad at me & I finally realized it was emotionally abusive.  i emailed him the list of signs of emotional anuse similar to what I've quoted saying that he behaves this way & it's abusive.  i swear that changed him...i'm certain he didnt think it was harming me & certainly not abusive until then.  He's never treated me like that since (this was years ago).  it's worth a shot.  i'd definitely call him out when he has controlling or abusive behavior & use those words.  Even better go see someone if he'll cooperate.  take care of yourself.  you deserve better & dont have to put up wit


mistreatment.

I texted him the list and he was mad that I would even imply that what he said could be construed as abusive. If anything hopefully it will give him pause before he says something like that again and lets him know how I feel he is acting.

The thing is if he got mad that you sent him this list then it probably isn't going to give him pause. He doesn't see an issue with his behavior.

[anna7602]

lilles, you're in a tough place. I'm glad you got the conversation started somehow, even if his initial reaction was anger. I hate to think that he will flip out even more if you just cut him short the very moment he begins to say one of these unkind things again, but I think it's worth trying in the moment. It may be easier for him to pause and realize how awful it sounds as it's coming out of his mouth v. several hours later or the next day. But IDK, maybe he'll never realize it. Regardless, I'm thinking of you and hoping you find a way to stand up for yourself.

[mrshandy]

Sept 22, 2014 7:52:50 GMT -5 lilles said:

Sept 21, 2014 17:32:24 GMT -5 Marmee said:

im so sorry OP!  I hope you can stand up for yourself and end this.  My H had this pattern of silent treatment when he was mad at me & I finally realized it was emotionally abusive.  i emailed him the list of signs of emotional anuse similar to what I've quoted saying that he behaves this way & it's abusive.  i swear that changed him...i'm certain he didnt think it was harming me & certainly not abusive until then.  He's never treated me like that since (this was years ago).  it's worth a shot.  i'd definitely call him out when he has controlling or abusive behavior & use those words.  Even better go see someone if he'll cooperate.  take care of yourself.  you deserve better & dont have to put up wit


mistreatment.

I texted him the list and he was mad that I would even imply that what he said could be construed as abusive. If anything hopefully it will give him pause before he says something like that again and lets him know how I feel he is acting.

Such bullshit. He is gaslighting you. Trying to disregard your feelings, deflecting the blame onto you.

Seriously you don't have to put up with this. You deserve respect. All of his actions are so manipulative and controlling. It just angers me to think about them.

(((HUGS))) You don't need this crap after you just had a baby. He should be supporting you, not putting you down.

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2014 7:52:50 GMT -5 lilles said:

Sept 21, 2014 17:32:24 GMT -5 Marmee said:

im so sorry OP!  I hope you can stand up for yourself and end this.  My H had this pattern of silent treatment when he was mad at me & I finally realized it was emotionally abusive.  i emailed him the list of signs of emotional anuse similar to what I've quoted saying that he behaves this way & it's abusive.  i swear that changed him...i'm certain he didnt think it was harming me & certainly not abusive until then.  He's never treated me like that since (this was years ago).  it's worth a shot.  i'd definitely call him out when he has controlling or abusive behavior & use those words.  Even better go see someone if he'll cooperate.  take care of yourself.  you deserve better & dont have to put up wit


mistreatment.

I texted him the list and he was mad that I would even imply that what he said could be construed as abusive. If anything hopefully it will give him pause before he says something like that again and lets him know how I feel he is acting.

Have you talked to him in person? What else did you say other than texting him a list?

I hope you let him know how you feel about being disrespected. Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Take care of yourself. 

[ilikedonuts]

So he ignored you trying to point how his mean behavior?

What is your next step since he won't even take responsibility for his actions?

What can we do to help you?

In the end all any of us want to do is help because we all know you don't deserve to be treated this way.

[lilles]

Sept 22, 2014 12:50:17 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Sept 22, 2014 7:52:50 GMT -5 lilles said:

I texted him the list and he was mad that I would even imply that what he said could be construed as abusive. If anything hopefully it will give him pause before he says something like that again and lets him know how I feel he is acting.

Have you talked to him in person? What else did you say other than texting him a list?

I hope you let him know how you feel about being disrespected. Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Take care of yourself. 

I did. I told him his comment was belittling and condescending and not to talk to me like that. I also told him that he was verbally abusive even before I sent him the list. I texted the list so that he could see it from an "official" source and not just hear it from me.
I know the baby gets his nutrition from what I eat. This is my third child and all have been bf. So there was no need for his comment. I also don't think that eating veggie dip once in a while will impact the baby at all. He has a total disconnect with what it takes to lose weight because both his parents as well as his siblings and himself are the fortunate 1% that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. He knows that I am upset about my weight. I have 10 lbs to go to get to pp weight.Then again I was working out and running until DS 3 was born at over 40 weeks. So it is not like I was stuffing myself silly and not working out during pregnancy (which is totally fine if that is what one wants to do). I'm 10 weeks pp and try to hike/walk/ do dvds at home when I can and am not absolutely exhausted from being up all night.
He doesn't talk to me like this all the time just when I post here about it to vent. I have considered going to counseling but right now it would be one more thing to do between the baby and driving my other two to school and back and I don't have the energy for it.
I used to work with domestic violence victims and also in a child abuse prevention program so I know the drill and what I will be told if I go to counseling. I will go to counseling eventually but not just yet.

Thanks to all of you for your concern and for letting me vent here.

[miniroller]

OP, I think you've received some strong words of advice on how to stand up for yourself in the future, & I hope you can.
Hugs.
Certainly not to jump into the squabble, but regarding the previous posts that thejen626 posted, I hope that it might have been helpful to OP. I didn't see it as a mean-ish move at all; on the contrary, seeing his super dick moves all lined up like that might help strengthen her stand. At least I hope it does.

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2014 13:26:50 GMT -5 lilles said:

Sept 22, 2014 12:50:17 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Have you talked to him in person? What else did you say other than texting him a list?

I hope you let him know how you feel about being disrespected. Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Take care of yourself. 

I did. I told him his comment was belittling and condescending and not to talk to me like that. I also told him that he was verbally abusive even before I sent him the list. I texted the list so that he could see it from an "official" source and not just hear it from me.
I know the baby gets his nutrition from what I eat. This is my third child and all have been bf. So there was no need for his comment. I also don't think that eating veggie dip once in a while will impact the baby at all. He has a total disconnect with what it takes to lose weight because both his parents as well as his siblings and himself are the fortunate 1% that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. He knows that I am upset about my weight. I have 10 lbs to go to get to pp weight.Then again I was working out and running until DS 3 was born at over 40 weeks. So it is not like I was stuffing myself silly and not working out during pregnancy (which is totally fine if that is what one wants to do). I'm 10 weeks pp and try to hike/walk/ do dvds at home when I can and am not absolutely exhausted from being up all night.
He doesn't talk to me like this all the time just when I post here about it to vent. I have considered going to counseling but right now it would be one more thing to do between the baby and driving my other two to school and back and I don't have the energy for it.
I used to work with domestic violence victims and also in a child abuse prevention program so I know the drill and what I will be told if I go to counseling. I will go to counseling eventually but not just yet.

Thanks to all of you for your concern and for letting me vent here.

I'm sorry he talks to you like that at all.

I hope you get to counseling sooner rather than later because it sounds like you are making excuses for his behavior. I'm not saying that to be mean, but because I've been there. "Oh it's not so bad, we have mostly great moments, he doesn't really mean it, etc. "

Not every relationship/marriage is perfect, but when I figured out there was a difference between arguing and not getting along and flat out disrespect and emotional abuse, it made things a lot clearer to me. Language and treatment like that should happen ZERO times. 

You never know how counseling will help until you give it a try.