Wwyd re: problem DS is having at school. Update pg 2

[lostlenore]

DS1 is only in first grade, so obviously I don't have a whole lot of experience dealing with school problems yet. For the most part, he has been very happy at school, never gets into trouble, etc. He actually doesn't tell me too much about what happens at school, I usually have to ask him a lot of questions to get anything out of him. 

Last week, he told DH & I that he was having a problem with one of the other boys in his class, Adam.  He said that during bathroom breaks, when he tries to leave his stall, Adam stands in front of the door to the stall & won't let DS out and it really bothers DS (which it must for him to have brought it up to us himself). Upon asking more questions, here is what we know...the kids are dismissed one table at a time for bathroom breaks. Adam is the only other boy at DS's table, so most times it is just the two of them in the bathroom. DS said that sometimes he needs to use his "football moves" to get past Adam. 

Last week, I told DS to firmly tell Adam to "please get out of my way now." When Adam wouldn't, DS said he was going to tell the teacher. Adam told him if he told the teacher, their whole table would get pennies taken from their jar (not sure what that is all about) and it would be DS's fault, so he didn't tell. 

Am am I being "that parent" if I email the teacher about this? I would prefer that DS be able to handle things himself, but it seems that's not working in this case.  He likes school and I would hate for him to feel uncomfortable at all, especially in a private area like the bathroom. 

Wwyd? Email the teacher or do you have any better advice for me to give DS first?

[thinkofthesoldiers]

My kid is being harassed like that in the bathroom? I don't care if I am "that parent," I'd email the teacher and ask that something be changed so they aren't alone together without supervision.

[thatgirl2478]

I would email the teacher. There's no reason he should be having these problems - particularly in the bathroom!

[mommytutu]

Yes email the teacher.

[jinkies]

I'm pretty hands-off in general, but I would definitely email the teacher on this one. If your son would prefer that she not make a big deal out of it, she could probably just alter the way she does bathroom breaks without calling attention to any reason for the change. She should also be on alert, just generally, about Adam's behavior toward your DS and other kids.

[litebright]

Absolutely contact the teacher.

[eb777888]

I would email that teacher in a hot second without a second thought.

[joshlyman]

Sept 21, 2014 22:11:30 GMT -5 jinkies said:

I'm pretty hands-off in general, but I would definitely email the teacher on this one. If your son would prefer that she not make a big deal out of it, she could probably just alter the way she does bathroom breaks without calling attention to any reason for the change. She should also be on alert, just generally, about Adam's behavior toward your DS and other kids.

Yeah, sounds like Adam needs to be seated at another lunch table.

[isabel]

Yes, I would email the teacher. Your son is being bullied and has done everything in his power to try to stop the situation. This isn't a suck it up and deal type of thing.

[eb777888]

And no. I think Adam and his parents needs to be talked to. Moving him to another table isn't fixing the problem, it's moving the problem.

[lissaholly]

Call the teacher, emails don't convey tone and you are leaving a lot for the teacher to assume in an email. I had to contact the teacher over a matter that I thought was maybe " that parent" category and I am so glad I did. She was aware and was very receptive and encouraging to even call her again with any more concerns. My DD is a first grader also. I am so glad I called.

[demelza]

I agree with everyone else. Hope the situation gets resolved quickly. Adam sounds like a real jerk!

[spk926]

Call the teacher! As a first grade teacher myself, I would want to know. Obviously the teacher can't be in the bathroom and your son is too afraid to tell so the only way the teacher will hear about it is from you. Then she can DO something about it!

Sent from my SM-G900P using proboards

[vanillacourage]

My DS is also in 1st grade.

Email the teacher with Cliffs Notes version of what's going on and ask for a short meeting to discuss. Come at it with an attitude that you're concerned about what's going on and know this may be the first time she's been made aware of it. Parents + teachers are a team to make kids feel happy and safe. 

Secondarily, the teacher should (on his/her own) realize that they need to clarify with kids the kind of things that they really, really need to feel safe talking to the teacher about. My DS's teacher also does a group reward for good behavior (when the class is making good choices they get a marble in the jar and when the jar is full they get a pizza party or whatever) but things that make the child feel unsafe should ALWAYS be ok to talk about, no questions asked. 

[lostlenore]

Thank you guys so much! At first last week, DS said he wanted to try to handle it himself, but I think it's pretty clear that's not going to work. I'm going to email his teacher now.

Adam was in his class last year and I already thought he was a little jerk before this whole thing started. And knowing his mom, she's not going to believe that he's behaving this way.  

[joenali]

Check in with the teacher. But here is a little problem solving skill he can also use: Bugs and Wishes

He can say the following:
It bugs me when _________. I wish you would ____________ because__________.

For example:
It bugs me when you bother me in the bathroom. I wish you would leave me alone because I need privacy.

[lostlenore]

Sept 21, 2014 22:34:22 GMT -5 joenali said:

Check in with the teacher. But here is a little problem solving skill he can also use: Bugs and Wishes

He can say the following:
It bugs me when _________. I wish you would ____________ because__________.

For example:
It bugs me when you bother me in the bathroom. I wish you would leave me alone because I need privacy.

I've never heard that before, thank you!  I should use that at home too! 

[bohemianmango]

Sept 21, 2014 22:26:03 GMT -5 lostlenore said:

Thank you guys so much! At first last week, DS said he wanted to try to handle it himself, but I think it's pretty clear that's not going to work. I'm going to email his teacher now.

Adam was in his class last year and I already thought he was a little jerk before this whole thing started. And knowing his mom, she's not going to believe that he's behaving this way.  

Glad you're emailing his teacher. I hope it helps resolve the issue and Adam's behavior. Adam sounds like a bully. I wouldn't want it to lead to your DS being afraid of using the bathroom at school or one of them getting hurt while Adam is blocking and your DS does a football move to get past.

[allaboutme]

Poor kiddo, I am glad he told you and agree you should email the teacher. Great suggestions from the teachers on here and other posters.

[lulu13]

I'm usually mellow and like to stay our of the way with school stuff if I can help it but this I would intervene on. This seems like classic bullying. I hate to throw that word around but using intimidation is not cool. I'd email or talk to the teacher.

[jenna]

RE: issues at school. I always email the teacher. This leaves a paper trail in case something needs to be followed up on, and you can always cc the principal, counselor, etc. Whomever may need to become aware of the issue.

While I am sure most teachers on GBCN are receptive and responsive, that is not always true in real life.

[Teachermama]

Teacher talking here...

Totally email the teacher. She probably has no idea what is going on. Sounds like Adam won't let your DS tell because he will get consequences for the whole table. I am sure the penny thing is rewards as a table. Sounds like adam is a little shit. You can email the teacher and she should be able to handle it in a way that Adam won't know there has been tattling so your DS wont get in deep with Adam. If tht makes sense.

Sent from my SM-G900P using proboards

[dragonfly08]

Sept 21, 2014 22:23:16 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

My DS is also in 1st grade.

Email the teacher with Cliffs Notes version of what's going on and ask for a short meeting to discuss. Come at it with an attitude that you're concerned about what's going on and know this may be the first time she's been made aware of it. Parents + teachers are a team to make kids feel happy and safe. 

Secondarily, the teacher should (on his/her own) realize that they need to clarify with kids the kind of things that they really, really need to feel safe talking to the teacher about. My DS's teacher also does a group reward for good behavior (when the class is making good choices they get a marble in the jar and when the jar is full they get a pizza party or whatever) but things that make the child feel unsafe should ALWAYS be ok to talk about, no questions asked. 

All of this.

Most of my kids teachers over the years have done some sort of "rewards" like a marble jar, either for each table of kids or for the class as a whole.  But in NO case would telling the teacher you're getting bullied in the bathroom result in a loss of points/marbles/pennies/whatever.  Your son should absolutely feel safe discussing this with his teacher, and if he doesn't at this point then it's completely appropriate for you to step in.  My older daughter had some issues with bullies...I made sure she feels safe knowing she has the teacher as her first line of defense in the classroom, and if that fails then she can (and should) come to me, and she can believe I'll take care of it.

[penelope]

I agree with everyone else, contact the teacher ASAP.

My youngest had issues in the bathroom with another kid, only he didn't say anything. He would go in there and as soon as he would start to do what he had to do this other kid would turn the lights out on him. He started to hold it....all day. I started to notice that every day after picking him up he would get home and dash into the bathroom, I asked him why and it finally came out. You don't want your kid doing that, and when I contacted the teacher, she had no idea this was happening. Once I did, it stopped.

[cinnamoncox]

Your poor guy I'm sorry this is happening. I'm glad you're contacting the teacher. Always email and follow up with call if you want, but this needs documenting.
Adam sounds like he's a menace and if he was like this last year too, he needs addressing, stat.

Kids can begin to hold if when there are bathroom fears, then with have an accident or get urinary infection or something.
I'm so glad ds came to you and your Dh.
Good luck and Adam needs to be more than moved, he will be harassing the kids at that table next.

[Deleted]

Kids can be such assholes. Your poor DS. I agree with everyone else, email the teacher.

[lostlenore]

Sept 22, 2014 8:07:37 GMT -5 cinnamoncox said:

Kids can begin to hold if when there are bathroom fears, then with have an accident or get urinary infection or something.
I'm so glad ds came to you and your Dh.

I'm so glad he did too!  DS already has some bladder issues, so I can't imagine how bad it could have been if this had gotten to the point where he would try to hold it. 

I emailed led his teacher late last night. I just told her what DS told us and asked her if there was some way she could discreetly handle the situation. I said that I would prefer that DS never be alone in a restroom with Adam again. Teacher is an old friend of DH's, so I'm fairly confident that she will be good about handling this. If not, I won't hesitate to notify the principal. 

Before DS left for school, I told him that I emailed his teacher and if she asks him about it today, to answer her honestly and reassured him that he is not going to get in trouble. 

I really appreciate all all the support and advice here!  I hate that I doubted myself in this situation and I'm glad you guys reinforced my initial instinct to contact the teacher.  DH, on the other hand, would totally be "that parent" if I let him. He was so fired up last night, he wanted to call Adams mom himself. Like that would have gone well  ^o)

[cinnamoncox]

Great update! I would have zero problem being that parent in this situation. Don't fuck with my kids.
Good job advocating for him. I hope it's resolved and Adam sorts himself out.

[hopecounts]

Sept 21, 2014 22:26:03 GMT -5 lostlenore said:

Thank you guys so much! At first last week, DS said he wanted to try to handle it himself, but I think it's pretty clear that's not going to work. I'm going to email his teacher now.

Adam was in his class last year and I already thought he was a little jerk before this whole thing started. And knowing his mom, she's not going to believe that he's behaving this way.  

Apples don't fall far from the tree.
I'm glad you e-mailed the teacher needs to know so she can address this. 

[shell403b]

I'm a teacher and a situation like this one is a time where I DEFINITELY need to hear from the parent (teacher doesn't know it's happening and/or student has the misconception the class will be in trouble for reporting it). Email the teacher!