Post by littlemisssunshine on Sept 22, 2014 12:31:58 GMT -5
H and I have been married for 5 years, and we are struggling with how to equitable split chores and actually get them done. When we first married I was in grad school and only had a part time job, so I did 90% of the housework which I was fine with. Now I own my own full time property management company, flip houses on the side (doing a lot of work myself, approx 20 hours a week), have a part time data entry job (5-6 hrs a week) and pick up painting jobs for rentals, and other good paying side jobs when they present themselves. H works a normal 40 hr a week job and has no other commitments. We don't have kids.
We currently split chores
H: feeds/waters our 3 cats/sweeps house weekly/takes out trash/ does the dishes
Me: vacuums, mops, clean 3 bathrooms, dusts, cleans kitchen/appliances, laundry, cooks (although only 2-3x weekly), air filters, changes litter, vet trips, all errands, gift buying, prescription pick ups, etc Any time anything breaks in our house I'm the one who arranges for a repairman, waits at home for them etc. I also take care of all the little easy maintenance stuff around the house because I know how and H does not. I also pay all the bills.
We have a lawn person. H used to do it, but he hired it out so he could have the time to work on large outdoor projects. Something he has never done.
My issue is that while I do all my stuff weekly and stay on top of it, H does not. It frustrates me to no end because he has the time. He's just lazy. Weeks will go by before he sweeps the house. Garbage cans get left on the curbs for several days before he takes them back up. Dishes sit in the sink for several days before being washed. I ask him to sweep and he'll do a couple of rooms and then wander off. Its been a source of frustration because I feel like I do the majority of the house work and work way more hours outside the home than he does.
When I do large projects that he's been putting off for months (like cutting down some overgrown trees in our yard, a 3 hour project) he gets upset at me because he feels bad that he put it off so long or he feels I do it the wrong way. He never even thanked me after I cut the trees.
I have sat him down for serious talks about this before with no lasting results. He'll feel bad, apologize, say he's going to get better and never does. One time I was so frustrated I stopped doing his laundry in protest which ended up in a big fight because he said I demoted him to roommate status.
Most recently I talked to him about it and after a big fight he said that I just had to live with him not getting around to big projects, he didn't want me doing stuff he was suppose to be doing because I might do it incorrectly, and that he wasn't going to do his chores weekly because it took too long and he didn't want to. I was so angry I walked away and we haven't talked about it since. He has however been much better about everything, but I know it won't last long. In his defense I lose tools all the time, don't take care of them as I should, leave the garage a disaster etc. However I am really working to change that.
Soooooo, what do I do? How do you and your H split chores without divorcing? A house cleaner isn't an option. I prefer not to have anyone in my house, and we have the time to clean, so I'd rather not waste my money on it. I enjoy cleaning and don't mind it, I just want H to do his part! We have a great marriage otherwise so we need to figure this out before it becomes a much bigger issue.
Also, how do you handle big projects? Pressure cleaning the driveway, painting the house etc? These are all things we need to do, but I'll be darned if I do them all by myself, wait 11 years for him to do it, or hire them out when we have the time to do.
We don't really split chores. Whomever has the time, just does what needs to be done. If H gets home early one day, He'll sweep or wash the floor etc and vice versa. I WFH on Friday so I usually get the laundry done then as it's an easy task that can get done without interfering with work.
Other things, I may do on my lunch hour.
I am a list maker so I just have a list of everything to get done that week and as things get done, it gets checked off. If come Saturday morning, there are things that aren't done, we need to do them, before we go do anything else.
The one thing we have that only H does is weed whacking the lawn. I can't even pick it up, it's too tall and heavy for me. Other than that, it's all fair game.
Post by newgirl412 on Sept 22, 2014 12:39:37 GMT -5
For sanity sake, I would hire out the cleaning of the house. It sounds like your week is super busy and if it takes hiring a weekly cleaner to come home to a clean house, I would do it.
We also try to schedule one Saturday a month for "Projects". Staining the deck, painting the sun room. etc. We can't do it every month but we've been pretty goood about getting one Saturday every couple of months. We have both inside and outside projects on the list so if we plan to stain the deck and it rains, we can still do the inside stuff.
I don't think this is about splitting up chores evenly. It sounds like even if you asked him to do more it wouldn't get done timely. Leaving dirty dishes for days is just really gross and will lead to bugs.
Has he always been this way? Did he contribute prior to your marriage?
Maybe if you write a post of everything that has to be done and how often and sit down and divvy it up. Not sure if it'll help bit worth a shot. Otherwise, I would hire a housekeeper and take it out of the "fun money."
DH and I don't really split it up officially but DH always cooks since he likes to while I tend to clean the bathrooms. Without discussing it we pretty much split things up evenly. If I have a busy weak, DH will take on a little more and vice versa.
Post by iheartbanjos on Sept 22, 2014 12:45:29 GMT -5
I do more than my H and we both work full time. That said, we have a weekly housekeeper and she does my DD's laundry and our bedding every other week.
Still, we have 2 dogs and I am a neat freak. After living together for 10 years and being married for 8, DH is a great partner and does a lot. Just, not as much as me. Also, things that I think are obvious, I understand that I need to ask him to do. I also understand that DH is cleaning because he knows that it will make me happy, not because it's something that he feels has to be done.
He's good around the house and good at yard work, but we also have a yard service and a handyman. We're both busy people and it's worth it to us to spend the money to have some helping hands.
I'm on my phone, but...here's what I'd do. I understand where you're coming from and empathize - but I would suggest considering where you pick your battles.
It seems to me like you need to switch some chores. Your DH has responsibility for things that HAVE to get done (kitty litter, dishes, and trash). You have responsibility for a lot of HH things that, while gross/not desirable, could be put off (vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms).
(Note: I agree, you're doing way more than him and he needs to pony up). I think he probably sees you as being more flexible with time.
I work FT - and do more housework than DH. I do dishes,most cooking, bathrooms, and bill pay. He vacuums when I tell him to, does most outside projects, and deals a lot with our dog.
Is your desire to not having a cleaning person bigger than your desire to not fight about it?
I'm on my phone, but...here's what I'd do. I understand where you're coming from and empathize - but I would suggest considering where you pick your battles.
It seems to me like you need to switch some chores. Your DH has responsibility for things that HAVE to get done (kitty litter, dishes, and trash). You have responsibility for a lot of HH things that, while gross/not desirable, could be put off (vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms).
(Note: I agree, you're doing way more than him and he needs to pony up). I think he probably sees you as being more flexible with time.
I work FT - and do more housework than DH. I do dishes,most cooking, bathrooms, and bill pay. He vacuums when I tell him to, does most outside projects, and deals a lot with our dog.
Is your desire to not having a cleaning person bigger than your desire to not fight about it?
Yes, unfortunately I would rather do the chores myself than pay someone. If I hired a housekeeper (something my H has said he fully supports) I would be resentful at H that we are paying $300+ monthly to keep the house and lawn kept up when we both have the time to do it ourselves. So I would still be resentful, just for a different reason. And you are right, since I work for myself I am much for flexible to do all the little stuff, errands, vet trips etc. And I don't mind doing them, I just want H to pick up some of the slack if I'm doing extra stuff.
Have you tried more specific deadlines for things? That's what my ex and I did and it really helped.
I'm the lazy one. Our rule was that whoever cooked, cleaned up. I never did the dishes right after dinner and that bothered him. I never let dishes sit for days, but I'd often rinse and then get to them in the morning. That still bugged him, but we eventually came to an agreement that I had until next morning to do the dishes if it was my turn.
Another thing that bugged him is I would let my laundry pile up. Again we agreed that I could let my laundry pile up as long as it was contained within my 2 baskets. After that I had to do it.
I honestly don't think you can change someone to do chores in a timely manner like you'd probably want, but have more strict deadlines helped us. It also made me not feel like a child who was getting in trouble for not doing chores.
All of these things we hashed out during counseling and it really helped to have a neutral 3rd party to bounce ideas off of. Not saying that you need to go to therapy, but hopefully you can find some compromise.
I feel like your options are probably 1. Do this yourself. 2. Hire it out. 3. Fight about it until you either divorce or die
We used to fight more about chores--DH didn't think I did daily chores in a timely fashion/helped enough (dishes mainly). And he doesn't dust and rarely cleans bathrooms which makes me crazy.
Now DH does most daily chores and I do all the dusting. Some of it we both just let go.
It basically improved after we had a huge, unrelated relationship implosion involving months of therapy and a divorce attorney. I would not recommend going that route.
I have lived with my BF less than a year, so take my advice with a grain of salt
What's worked for us so far is to both just do what needs to be done when we see it, and then also set aside time TOGETHER to clean. So he'll jump in and do the dishes in the evening because he sees them in the sink, and I'll do them another time because he's busy studying and I'm not. There are some things I pretty much always do - like the laundry, and I pay the house bills because I lived there first and they are all in my name. But most things we just divy up when it's time to do them. So yesterday he vacuumed and I mowed the lawn/cleaned the kitchen, but next time he'll probably do the kitchen/dusting while I vacuum. I think the important thing for me is that we're both doing something - yesterday we decided to start cleaning at 1pm and we both did it until it was done. I think if I cleaned yeseterday and he was going to clean later, it would be harder to look at things as "our" chores and easier to get mad if he didn't do things on my schedule.
We don't own our house so we don't have big projects, but the smaller stuff we usually make a list and then knock it out together. And I do volunteer to do more of the day to day stuff simply because we're both out of the house all day and then at night he has studying to do, and I don't have anything. I don't mind doing more since I have the time. I think your H should look at it that way too...
My previous marriage was very inequitable so I totally get where you are coming from. We also never could have worked on projects together without killing each other.
Post by msmerymac on Sept 22, 2014 13:22:37 GMT -5
2 ideas: Assign him chores he actually wants to do. If these are the ones that he has chosen because he prefers them to what you do, then move to the next step...
Set a time for cleaning every week. It looks like you have a lot to do and your schedule is probably pretty full, but you do ever have a day or half a day where you're at home together? Assign 30 minutes or 60 minutes to BOTH your cleaning tasks. I have a lazy husband, too, but more of the, "Oh, let me read some blogs... and send some emails... and finish watching this TV show... and then I'll get started on cleaning." Six hours later... But if it's set like "9am on Saturday mornings, before doing side jobs or hobbies or anything else, we do a whirlwind cleaning," and you both spend that time doing it, it might be better. I mean, what is he going to do? Refuse to clean while you're sitting there, scrubbing the bathroom? I can see how if you've finished your stuff for the week and you're sitting there watching TV while asking if he's cleaned the litter, he can be a little resentful. So you might have to play the game.
Having a set time for cleaning helps us, and working around our strengths/weaknesses helps as well. Example - I go grocery shopping on Saturdays, and while I'm gone he cleans the house. I like being away from him while he's working because he gets cranky, plus I have asthma so he gets the vacuuming done while I'm not home. Meanwhile, he likes not having to deal with the crowds at the store, plus I'm the one who cooks and meal plans so he wouldn't know what to buy anyway.
My husband doesn't see dirt, so he would never do a thing if we waited until he noticed that something needed cleaned.
Fortunately, he will do anything I ask. So, we work with lists, and I let him know what I need him to do. We are both busy, so I try to plan the week out very roughly on Sunday - touching base on the "have to dos" and fitting in the "nice to dos" around whatever we have going on. I used to compare how much I did to what he did, and it was a continual headache for me. We realized I didn't have to prove anything, I just had to ask for very specific help. So, we schedule housework time and tasks, and also schedule downtime for ourselves as well, to help keep us both from melting down.
Post by crashgizmo on Sept 22, 2014 14:00:24 GMT -5
I'll ditto a lot of the PP's, but another thing that has worked for us is to realize where our strengths and weaknesses are. I am great at the day to day cleaning (dishes, picking things up, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying) and DH is good at the infrequent deep cleaning or big project (painting a room, bleaching the shower, cleaning the carpets or fridge). I hate doing those things and usually kind of lose interest 1/2 way through, so it never gets done properly. So we split things up that way. I definitely do more day to day, but the slack he can pick up with the big projects makes me feel like it balances out.
I have a more flexible schedule, as well. That means I do more work and, while I sometimes feel resentful, I think about how hard DH works at his job and what a great partner he is in other ways, and I chill out. It's definitely frustrating, but sometimes perspective can help.
Post by mrsGreeko on Sept 22, 2014 14:01:22 GMT -5
We have a house cleaner otherwise we might have to get divorced. I felt like the cleaning was not equal and I was resentful. We got a cleaner and now it's much more equal and everyone is much happier. DH didn't want to get a cleaner either, but is so incredibly glad we did.
As for other big stuff we do it together usually. That makes It easier to see we are both contributing. I probably do more generally, but that's mostly because I have more time than he does to do it. He works long hours and is OOT frequently so more falls to am by default. When he's home Though he does things as they need to be done no problem. He would never sweep or clean a bathroom, but will always do dishes, take out the trash, wash the cars, get gas, etc. things he values more. He doesn't place as much value on sweeping a generally clean floor, but values no dishes in he sink and having the trash taken out. I value the generally clean floors being cleaner. Maybe his tasks aren't the things he values as much.
Also I've never don't his laundry. We've been married almost 10 years. I don't touch his, he doesn't touch mine. We both do the kids (me more due to time, but he does when he can).
Yes, unfortunately I would rather do the chores myself than pay someone. If I hired a housekeeper (something my H has said he fully supports) I would be resentful at H that we are paying $300+ monthly to keep the house and lawn kept up when we both have the time to do it ourselves. So I would still be resentful, just for a different reason. And you are right, since I work for myself I am much for flexible to do all the little stuff, errands, vet trips etc. And I don't mind doing them, I just want H to pick up some of the slack if I'm doing extra stuff.
Sorry, but I think you're being ridiculous.
Your H is not interested in doing the household chores and has provided a perfectly acceptable alternative - hiring it out. Why do you get to tell him no on that front and dictate that he spends his free time cleaning when it sounds like you can afford to hire help? Just because you don't want to hire help? Does his opinion not matter in this situation at all?
If you want to save the money, then go ahead and do the cleaning and pay yourself for it instead of paying someone else. Tell your H you will handle it and keep the money as fun money or something. Just because you both have the time to clean, it doesn't mean your H wants to spend his free time doing that (and it is clear he doesn't) and I don't see why you get to call the shots entirely on this one. If I was your H, I would be kind of pissed.
I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
We used to fight about chores, too, but things got much better when we both learned how to let things go, to understand that we are both extremely busy, and to appreciate what the other person is actually able to get done. Honestly, learning to let go was the hardest part; after that, the rest was much easier. Our house is not up to either of our mothers' standards, but oh well.
In the end, I do a lot more of the day-to-day stuff and he does more of the bigger stuff, including all the bathroom cleaning, but just because that breakdown works for us doesn't mean it makes sense for anyone else.
I will say it helped me to let go when I started letting him do his own laundry. I see you said he got mad when you let his go, but there's a difference between agreeing that's how it's going to be done and stopping washing his clothes in protest. You have every right to sit down with him to talk about chores and say, "H, I'm not happy with our current situation. I'm happy to do x, y, and z, but I don't want to do u, v, and your laundry. What chores do you want to do and not want to do? For things that neither of us want to do, let's look at the budget and see if it makes sense to hire out."
I do agree with @sfgal530 that he does have a right to prefer hiring a housekeeper to using his free time doing chores. Just because you disagree doesn't make him wrong. It's just something else the two of you will have to discuss and come to a compromise you can both agree to.
This may not be a solution, but this is what H and I do.
First we made a list of all the chores that need to be done on a regular basis and then we agreed upon the frequency that they need to be done (every week, every other week, etc.). I also assigned a level of difficulty for each chore (1,3,5)
I have an Outlook Calendar that I print out for each month with all of the chores listed. Each week we add up all the chores that need to be done and we "sign" up for our chores that week. Sometimes we both get busy and they don't get done or H doesn't find time to do his.
So far it's been a success.
Your H sounds kind of unreasonable though about forbidding you from doing the big projects. You guys might benefit from some counseling if he's not willing to work with you on this. Although a cleaning lady might be cheaper.
...I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
I didn't see this until after I had posted. It sounds like you don't respect your H very much. Would you say that's true? Are there bigger things going on here, such as him not having time for you because of video games?
Your H is not interested in doing the household chores and has provided a perfectly acceptable alternative - hiring it out. Why do you get to tell him no on that front and dictate that he spends his free time cleaning when it sounds like you can afford to hire help? Just because you don't want to hire help? Does his opinion not matter in this situation at all?
If you want to save the money, then go ahead and do the cleaning and pay yourself for it instead of paying someone else. Tell your H you will handle it and keep the money as fun money or something. Just because you both have the time to clean, it doesn't mean your H wants to spend his free time doing that (and it is clear he doesn't) and I don't see why you get to call the shots entirely on this one. If I was your H, I would be kind of pissed.
I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
I guess I have mixed feelings on this. I do agree that you shouldn't have to hire someone to take out the trash, do the dishes, and feed the cats. To me, that's just little daily stuff that's part of being an adult. I'm far more supportive of the idea of hiring out actual cleaning (like the sweeping and a lot of the stuff you do), yard work, etc, assuming you guys can afford it. Assuming he's not addicted to video games and playing them 8 hours a night, I don't see anything wrong with using free time for fun along with some light upkeep stuff. For example, on a typical night at my house I cook dinner and BF does some dishes. Whover sees the dog bowl is empty fills it and same with the trash. It doesn't take much time and we both have plenty of time left to watch TV, study, play a video game, whatever. If I had the money, I'd absolutely hire someone else to scrub the bathrooms, vacuum, do the outdoor work, etc on the weeknds so we didn't have to give up an afternoon of laying around in our PJs watching TV. If you enjoy doing the cleaning or at least get some satisfaction from it, that's fine - but he may not feel that way and may value paying someone else to do it so he can do something he cares about more. That's also legitimate. But I can understand if he comes home from work and parks himself on the couch and refuses to participate in any "daily living housework" then he needs to just suck it up because that's life and short of hiring full time staff for the house, that's not something you can really hire out.
Post by melodramatic26 on Sept 22, 2014 14:38:57 GMT -5
You said you don't have the time to do the chores. Your husband is not going to do them.
I'm sorry, but he's not a child. There's no "punishment" for not doing them and he knows you'll do it, eventually.
I'd get the house cleaner. Try it for 2 months.
I have to say that since we hired someone to come clean out house every other week, our moods have drastically improved. Could we have done it? Sure, but our time together on the weekend are more valuable and usable than vacuuming, even when we aren't doing anything at all. We do so much during the week it's refreshing to not have 20 other constant check list items to do on our downtime.
I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
I guess I have mixed feelings on this. I do agree that you shouldn't have to hire someone to take out the trash, do the dishes, and feed the cats. To me, that's just little daily stuff that's part of being an adult. I'm far more supportive of the idea of hiring out actual cleaning (like the sweeping and a lot of the stuff you do), yard work, etc, assuming you guys can afford it. Assuming he's not addicted to video games and playing them 8 hours a night, I don't see anything wrong with using free time for fun along with some light upkeep stuff. For example, on a typical night at my house I cook dinner and BF does some dishes. Whover sees the dog bowl is empty fills it and same with the trash. It doesn't take much time and we both have plenty of time left to watch TV, study, play a video game, whatever. If I had the money, I'd absolutely hire someone else to scrub the bathrooms, vacuum, do the outdoor work, etc on the weeknds so we didn't have to give up an afternoon of laying around in our PJs watching TV. If you enjoy doing the cleaning or at least get some satisfaction from it, that's fine - but he may not feel that way and may value paying someone else to do it so he can do something he cares about more. That's also legitimate. But I can understand if he comes home from work and parks himself on the couch and refuses to participate in any "daily living housework" then he needs to just suck it up because that's life and short of hiring full time staff for the house, that's not something you can really hire out.
The only actual cleaning he has agreed to do (but doesn't regularly) is sweeping the house. That takes at most 1.5 hours. I guess I'm just frustrated that he cares so little that he can't even commit to do something for 1.5 hrs. It's not logical to hire out pulling up trash cans to the house every week, or to do the dishes on a nightly basis. Is it really that hard to take 2 mins to pull the cans up the same day the garbage comes? I hate leaving the cans out there for several days, its trashy, so I end up doing it most of the time. This is basic stuff that comes with owning a house.
If I hire a cleaning lady and take over his chores (trash and dishes, which I do mostly anyway) he would literally do nothing in the house except take care of the cats.
Post by flygirl22 on Sept 22, 2014 15:08:54 GMT -5
5 hours a week is a lot of chores..
We don't have chores we are assigned to. If one of us is home and the other isn't we'll usually throw a load of laundry in, DH will maybe vacuum. Kitchen gets cleaned together every day after dinner. Everything else is whatever. Bathrooms will get cleaned when they are dirty when whichever of us feels like doing it. We are not overly clean people... most of our housework gets done right before we have people over.
Post by melodramatic26 on Sept 22, 2014 15:09:36 GMT -5
For us, pulling in the trash cans is whoever gets home first. Easy solution.
For the floors- go buy a Roomba.
For the dishes, alternate days.
Once a month, schedule a joint big project. He'll know in advance what it is and that he's expected to help and that you aren't going to do it "wrong" by doing it yourself.
And you wouldn't be hiring a cleaner for trash and dishes. She'd do all the big weekly items. Meaning, when you have to pull in a trashcan or wash the dishes, you wouldn't be overwhelmed with the idea that you do EVERYTHING around the house.
I would hire a cleaner. Try it out for 90 days and see how you like. I spend $160 a month (cleaners come twice a month) and it is the best $160 I spend. I am willing to give up other areas of my budget TBH, I have more time on the weekends with my husband. Whether that is binge watching a TV series or going for a day trip. Also, with me back in school, I devote one day on the weekend (usually Sunday) to do reading/homework.
I also ask DH for help. I am not passive/aggressive about it anymore. If I need help cleaning the cat boxes, I ask him. He may not get to it right away but he does it. I rather have it done than have it done my way (which was a HUGE bone of contention when we first got married and dividing the chores.
DH and I had this agreement when we moved into our house (before we hired a cleaner) that I would do chores inside the house and he would do chores outside the house. It got a point where I felt like I was spending my weekend cleaning and he was outside enjoying the fresh air.
If hiring a cleaner is out of the question, can you try to do a chore a day? A load of laundry one day. Sweeping the kitchen floor after dinner, etc.
You can't force your husband to do something he (a) has no interest in or (b) is resentful about it.
As for big projects, we work together on it. For example, cleaning/organizing our basement. We pick a day on the weekend and just do it. We order a pizza for lunch/dinner and drink while cleaning which makes a little more fun. :-)
For us, pulling in the trash cans is whoever gets home first. Easy solution.
For the floors- go buy a Roomba.
For the dishes, alternate days.
Once a month, schedule a joint big project. He'll know in advance what it is and that he's expected to help and that you aren't going to do it "wrong" by doing it yourself.
And you wouldn't be hiring a cleaner for trash and dishes. She'd do all the big weekly items. Meaning, when you have to pull in a trashcan or wash the dishes, you wouldn't be overwhelmed with the idea that you do EVERYTHING around the house.
I think this sounds like a solution. How would you feel about doing more of the daily stuff (dishes, trash, etc) if you didn't have the big weekly stuff on your plate? I'm not saying he should be off the hook, but if there is less work overall to do, you can split and both still have lots of time leftover.
It does sound like the problem is twofold though - if you reduce the overall amount of work, that will make life easier, but he still needs to start pitching in more for things that need to be done on a daily basis. I honestly don't know how to motivate him for that type of thing, though. I can understand to a point letting dishes sit longer than they "should" (we don't always wash all the dishes every day) but if he's not getting to them at all then I can see your frustration. Unfortunately it's really hard to make an adult do anything. They kind of have to want to do it themselves, which makes some people really hard to live with. It sucks.
H and I do what needs to get done when it needs to be done so it doesn't pile up. If he's free and sees it, he does it and vice versa. We don't really split chores because...well...we're not kids anymore. We're a team and work to help each other out so that we can spend time that we have free together actually doing something together...not one doing chores while the other is doing nothing.
I'm saying this as a tidy person married to someone who doesn't see a sink full of dishes. I get why your being resentful, there's no chance in hell I would be happy with my H refusing to help out. But you can't force your H to want to do those things. He has to want to do it...whether for himself or for you. My H could care less about a messy house but he knows that I care and so he tries to pay more attention and does what needs to be done when I'm busy.
If you guys can afford to pay someone else to do it, then why not? Let someone else do it and spend your free time together. Free time doesn't always have to be eaten up by chores and cleaning or doing something not fun/relaxing. You've got to take time off of everything some time. But if you don't want to relax then I like sfgal's idea of paying yourself what you would have paid someone else to do the chores if your H seriously doesn't want to do it. Then spend that money on something for only yourself.
Post by tacosforlife on Sept 22, 2014 16:21:30 GMT -5
Have you guys talked about WHY he doesn't do these things?
I mean, I get that some people are cleaner than others, but does he actually REFUSE to clean the bathrooms? What happens if you say, "H, can you clean bathroom #2 while I clean bathroom #1?" Whose responsibility does he think this stuff is?
I don't think you should rule out a house cleaner so quickly although I think it needs to be approached as the two of you mutually deciding that you want to outsource your joint responsibilities. I think it sets a bad tone for him to just refuse to do stuff and then for you to cave on outsourcing stuff he won't do.
Other than that, I'm no help. I think not doing his laundry as long as he doesn't do any housework is totally fair. Why should you wash dishes he uses and a bathroom he dirties if he can't be bothered to do anything himself? It's called teamwork, not wife-does-all-the-work. He says it feels like you're treating him like a roommate, but his refusing to sweep is treating you like less than a roommate. My last roommate swept the floor.