Most recently I talked to him about it and after a big fight he said that I just had to live with him not getting around to big projects, he didn't want me doing stuff he was suppose to be doing because I might do it incorrectly, and that he wasn't going to do his chores weekly because it took too long and he didn't want to.
This paragraph speaks volumes. This isn't even about house cleaning anymore. You've both drawn battle lines, and clearly do not want the other person to get their way. You have more to work out than house cleaning, and I know this is a common knee-jerk reaction, but I think you would both benefit from counseling.
Also, your DH sounds like a lazy dud of a grown man. Has he always been this way? Do you plan on having kids?
Most recently I talked to him about it and after a big fight he said that I just had to live with him not getting around to big projects, he didn't want me doing stuff he was suppose to be doing because I might do it incorrectly, and that he wasn't going to do his chores weekly because it took too long and he didn't want to.
This paragraph speaks volumes. This isn't even about house cleaning anymore. You've both drawn battle lines, and clearly do not want the other person to get their way. You have more to work out than house cleaning, and I know this is a common knee-jerk reaction, but I think you would both benefit from counseling.
Also, your DH sounds like a lazy dud of a grown man. Has he always been this way? Do you plan on having kids?
Yes he has pretty much always been this way. We dated throughout college and didn't live together until marriage so I wasn't aware of exactly how lazy he was until we moved in together. He has always held a job and worked very hard to provide for us. He has been quite successful too, and we can certainly afford a house cleaner. I just feel like I would be giving in to his laziness.
We do want kids, but I am scared to death I would end up doing all the work. We have postponed kids for other reasons, but its always been on the back of my mind.
Post by msmerymac on Sept 22, 2014 17:02:40 GMT -5
How big is your house that it takes 1.5 hours to sweep the floor?! I wouldn't want to do that, either.
You guys both also have to let go of having things done perfectly. If he's never going to do things, he needs to be okay with you doing them and not doing them the way he would. Or else he needs to do them. My husband usually does the dinner dishes when he gets up in the morning (and feeds the cats and makes coffee at the same time), and he doesn't clean up the exact way I'd like, but I'd rather the dishes get done than have to do everything myself, or have them not get done.
Does your town have an ordinance about the trash cans being out? I know in my town, we have to bring them in by 6pm on trash day. If so, reiterate that with him. If not, well, then maybe they sit out on the curb for two days looking trashy, but at least you won't have to do it and resent him while you're dragging them into the garage.
Have you guys talked about WHY he doesn't do these things?
I mean, I get that some people are cleaner than others, but does he actually REFUSE to clean the bathrooms? What happens if you say, "H, can you clean bathroom #2 while I clean bathroom #1?" Whose responsibility does he think this stuff is?
I don't think you should rule out a house cleaner so quickly although I think it needs to be approached as the two of you mutually deciding that you want to outsource your joint responsibilities. I think it sets a bad tone for him to just refuse to do stuff and then for you to cave on outsourcing stuff he won't do.
Other than that, I'm no help. I think not doing his laundry as long as he doesn't do any housework is totally fair. Why should you wash dishes he uses and a bathroom he dirties if he can't be bothered to do anything himself? It's called teamwork, not wife-does-all-the-work. He says it feels like you're treating him like a roommate, but his refusing to sweep is treating you like less than a roommate. My last roommate swept the floor.
I've never asked him. I just assumed he plain didnt want to. I will ask him, hey can you sweep the house today? And he will either A: do a room or two, leave the broom in the middle of the living room and never come back, or B. say yes and never do it.
Case in point, I asked him to vacuum the three area rugs in my house two weeks ago. They still aren't done.
I feel like this is way past hiring a housekeeper, and more wishing he would respect me enough to want to pitch in and help out, especially if I ask for a specific task to get done. I just don't know what to do, besides counseling. And how does that go? "H, you won't sweep the floors like you are suppose to so we need to go to counseling?
How big is your house that it takes 1.5 hours to sweep the floor?! I wouldn't want to do that, either.
You guys both also have to let go of having things done perfectly. If he's never going to do things, he needs to be okay with you doing them and not doing them the way he would. Or else he needs to do them. My husband usually does the dinner dishes when he gets up in the morning (and feeds the cats and makes coffee at the same time), and he doesn't clean up the exact way I'd like, but I'd rather the dishes get done than have to do everything myself, or have them not get done.
Does your town have an ordinance about the trash cans being out? I know in my town, we have to bring them in by 6pm on trash day. If so, reiterate that with him. If not, well, then maybe they sit out on the curb for two days looking trashy, but at least you won't have to do it and resent him while you're dragging them into the garage.
We have all hardwood floors and its 2600 square feet. I could sweep it in 30-45 mins tops, but he's a bit more meticulous than me.
We don't have to have the cans up by a certain time, but I refuse to be the trashy people that leave cans out. So if he hasn't done it by that evening I go out and pull them up.
Have you guys talked about WHY he doesn't do these things?
I mean, I get that some people are cleaner than others, but does he actually REFUSE to clean the bathrooms? What happens if you say, "H, can you clean bathroom #2 while I clean bathroom #1?" Whose responsibility does he think this stuff is?
I don't think you should rule out a house cleaner so quickly although I think it needs to be approached as the two of you mutually deciding that you want to outsource your joint responsibilities. I think it sets a bad tone for him to just refuse to do stuff and then for you to cave on outsourcing stuff he won't do.
Other than that, I'm no help. I think not doing his laundry as long as he doesn't do any housework is totally fair. Why should you wash dishes he uses and a bathroom he dirties if he can't be bothered to do anything himself? It's called teamwork, not wife-does-all-the-work. He says it feels like you're treating him like a roommate, but his refusing to sweep is treating you like less than a roommate. My last roommate swept the floor.
I've never asked him. I just assumed he plain didnt want to. I will ask him, hey can you sweep the house today? And he will either A: do a room or two, leave the broom in the middle of the living room and never come back, or B. say yes and never do it.
Case in point, I asked him to vacuum the three area rugs in my house two weeks ago. They still aren't done.
I feel like this is way past hiring a housekeeper, and more wishing he would respect me enough to want to pitch in and help out, especially if I ask for a specific task to get done. I just don't know what to do, besides counseling. And how does that go? "H, you won't sweep the floors like you are suppose to so we need to go to counseling?
Well, the fact that you just called it "my" house instead of "our" house seems concerning. Unless there is a second property we're talking about here.
Sometimes it takes me a day or two to bring in the trash cans....
lol, I was waiting for someone to say that! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Its just that everyone in our dang neighborhood has them up literally an hour after garbage is picked up in the morning. When we get home at 5pm ours is the only one out.
I've never asked him. I just assumed he plain didnt want to. I will ask him, hey can you sweep the house today? And he will either A: do a room or two, leave the broom in the middle of the living room and never come back, or B. say yes and never do it.
Case in point, I asked him to vacuum the three area rugs in my house two weeks ago. They still aren't done.
I feel like this is way past hiring a housekeeper, and more wishing he would respect me enough to want to pitch in and help out, especially if I ask for a specific task to get done. I just don't know what to do, besides counseling. And how does that go? "H, you won't sweep the floors like you are suppose to so we need to go to counseling?
Well, the fact that you just called it "my" house instead of "our" house seems concerning. Unless there is a second property we're talking about here.
I had to re-read my post to see what you were talking about. I didn't mean it like that, and I have no idea why I typed it like that. We only have one house that we bought together.
Sometimes it takes me a day or two to bring in the trash cans....
lol, I was waiting for someone to say that! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Its just that everyone in our dang neighborhood has them up literally an hour after garbage is picked up in the morning. When we get home at 5pm ours is the only one out.
I'm not offended. I'm just saying he isn't the only one.
But ours literally just got picked up and now I'm extremely self conscious about it being out.
Post by bluelikejazz on Sept 22, 2014 17:22:53 GMT -5
My DH literally doesn't see messes (dishes, piles of papers, dirt, whatever) unless I point it out to him. So I have to give him specific tasks and usually timelines (that are agreed upon together). It feels like nagging, but I know for him, he sees it as helpful (and has told me as much). For example, "can you please vacuum the floor by the end of the weekend?" or "Can you unload the dishwasher while I'm at the gym?"
Or sometimes I'll say X and Y need to get done today, which do you want to do? And I'll do the other one.
What happens if you try to do chores together? Like spend an hour or 2 on Saturday morning cleaning? We do this probably monthly. We make a list, and just start working through it. Pick the least hated chores first (or negotiate - I don't mind toilets, but I hate vacuuming - so I'll negotiate all the toilets for the vacuuming), and spend a few hours working together.
How big is your house that it takes 1.5 hours to sweep the floor?! I wouldn't want to do that, either.
You guys both also have to let go of having things done perfectly. If he's never going to do things, he needs to be okay with you doing them and not doing them the way he would. Or else he needs to do them. My husband usually does the dinner dishes when he gets up in the morning (and feeds the cats and makes coffee at the same time), and he doesn't clean up the exact way I'd like, but I'd rather the dishes get done than have to do everything myself, or have them not get done.
Does your town have an ordinance about the trash cans being out? I know in my town, we have to bring them in by 6pm on trash day. If so, reiterate that with him. If not, well, then maybe they sit out on the curb for two days looking trashy, but at least you won't have to do it and resent him while you're dragging them into the garage.
We have all hardwood floors and its 2600 square feet. I could sweep it in 30-45 mins tops, but he's a bit more meticulous than me.
We don't have to have the cans up by a certain time, but I refuse to be the trashy people that leave cans out. So if he hasn't done it by that evening I go out and pull them up.
But see, that's my point. If you want it done perfectly/your way, well, then you'll have to do it. If you want HIM to do it, then let go of having it done your way.
Have you guys talked about WHY he doesn't do these things?
I mean, I get that some people are cleaner than others, but does he actually REFUSE to clean the bathrooms? What happens if you say, "H, can you clean bathroom #2 while I clean bathroom #1?" Whose responsibility does he think this stuff is?
I don't think you should rule out a house cleaner so quickly although I think it needs to be approached as the two of you mutually deciding that you want to outsource your joint responsibilities. I think it sets a bad tone for him to just refuse to do stuff and then for you to cave on outsourcing stuff he won't do.
Other than that, I'm no help. I think not doing his laundry as long as he doesn't do any housework is totally fair. Why should you wash dishes he uses and a bathroom he dirties if he can't be bothered to do anything himself? It's called teamwork, not wife-does-all-the-work. He says it feels like you're treating him like a roommate, but his refusing to sweep is treating you like less than a roommate. My last roommate swept the floor.
I've never asked him. I just assumed he plain didnt want to. I will ask him, hey can you sweep the house today? And he will either A: do a room or two, leave the broom in the middle of the living room and never come back, or B. say yes and never do it.
Case in point, I asked him to vacuum the three area rugs in my house two weeks ago. They still aren't done.
I feel like this is way past hiring a housekeeper, and more wishing he would respect me enough to want to pitch in and help out, especially if I ask for a specific task to get done. I just don't know what to do, besides counseling. And how does that go? "H, you won't sweep the floors like you are suppose to so we need to go to counseling?
I mentioned my suggestion above about specific timelines. But if that doesn't work, then yes I think counseling is a good suggestion.
I think counseling is great because it's nice for a neutral 3rd party to help the other person understand where you're coming from.
Like I said above, I'm typically the "lazy" one in the relationship. I'm not a major slob, but if I didn't feel like the rug needed to be vacuumed and I had other more pressing concerns, then I'd probably forget about doing it and it wouldn't get done until it was at my level of needing to be vacuumed. It's honestly not me trying to be disrespect, but if in my mind the rug doesn't look dirty and I hate vacuuming, then I'm not going to vacuum it.
I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. My ex who was the more clean one would leave toothpaste remnants in the sink which would bother me. I eventually just had to let it go or wipe it up myself because his brain either didn't see the toothpaste or didn't care.
So a counselor helped us work on understanding how the other person's brain worked and to come up with compromises.
Another thing that helped us is we would dedicate 1 hour a week to cleaning and would literally split the house in half. Someone would do the living room and kitchen and the other person would do the bedroom and bathroom. It's easier to get chores done if you're both working on them and can kind of encourage each other.
We have all hardwood floors and its 2600 square feet. I could sweep it in 30-45 mins tops, but he's a bit more meticulous than me.
We don't have to have the cans up by a certain time, but I refuse to be the trashy people that leave cans out. So if he hasn't done it by that evening I go out and pull them up.
But see, that's my point. If you want it done perfectly/your way, well, then you'll have to do it. If you want HIM to do it, then let go of having it done your way.
Exactly. I have decided that I rather have DH do it than me having to (a) do all the chores (b) nag him to do it my way or (c) me re-do his work.
In other words, I have let go of doing it "my way."
Have you guys talked about WHY he doesn't do these things?
I mean, I get that some people are cleaner than others, but does he actually REFUSE to clean the bathrooms? What happens if you say, "H, can you clean bathroom #2 while I clean bathroom #1?" Whose responsibility does he think this stuff is?
I don't think you should rule out a house cleaner so quickly although I think it needs to be approached as the two of you mutually deciding that you want to outsource your joint responsibilities. I think it sets a bad tone for him to just refuse to do stuff and then for you to cave on outsourcing stuff he won't do.
Other than that, I'm no help. I think not doing his laundry as long as he doesn't do any housework is totally fair. Why should you wash dishes he uses and a bathroom he dirties if he can't be bothered to do anything himself? It's called teamwork, not wife-does-all-the-work. He says it feels like you're treating him like a roommate, but his refusing to sweep is treating you like less than a roommate. My last roommate swept the floor.
I've never asked him. I just assumed he plain didnt want to. I will ask him, hey can you sweep the house today? And he will either A: do a room or two, leave the broom in the middle of the living room and never come back, or B. say yes and never do it.
Case in point, I asked him to vacuum the three area rugs in my house two weeks ago. They still aren't done.
I feel like this is way past hiring a housekeeper, and more wishing he would respect me enough to want to pitch in and help out, especially if I ask for a specific task to get done. I just don't know what to do, besides counseling. And how does that go? "H, you won't sweep the floors like you are suppose to so we need to go to counseling?
You go to counseling because you are both angry and resenting the hell out of each other. It's just showing up in the household chores. This is no way to live. Go because you want a strong healthy happy relationship.
Post by sweetnsour on Sept 22, 2014 18:18:41 GMT -5
Does he have OCD? It sounds like he knows it would take him a long time to do "small" chores if he is working to perfection. I think you are disrespecting him too. If he works hard and he can afford to hire out then why not. I think there are other issues at play.
Post by RoxMonster on Sept 22, 2014 18:29:02 GMT -5
I agree with the few other people that said this is about more than just cleaning. You said it yourself, OP. You want to feel respected when you ask him to do something.
Hiring a cleaning company will solve the immediate issue of cleaning the house, yes, but won't get to whatever is really going on. Sorry, maybe I'm the odd man out here, but marriage is a partnership. Just saying, "If he won't do it up to your standards, do it yourself" seems ridiculous to me. I can maybe get on board with that if discussing a group project for school. But this is a marriage! OP shouldn't have to shoulder the responsibility for everything in their marriage because her H refuses to act like a grown-up and do his part. This isn't about him not doing stuff to her too-high standards; he isn't doing ANYthing, the way I read it. That's absurd.
Nobody (well, hardly anybody) actually loves cleaning (or insert any other grown-up activity like paying bills, doing taxes, going grocery shopping, etc). But you have to suck it up buttercup and do it sometimes. I do find it disrespectful that if OP asks her H to help out with something around the house, he just refuses to do it. Repeatedly. And when she has a serious conversation with him, nothing changes. I'm not saying OP is blameless (she has said she isn't right here in the post), but her H is acting like a child. Just throwing money at this problem in the way of a housekeeper may temporarily solve the cleaning issue, but won't really get to the root of the problem.
I'm sorry, OP. I agree with the others who have suggested counseling (maybe on top of a house keeper so you can at least not focus on the cleaning right now).
Post by wanderlustmom on Sept 22, 2014 19:25:28 GMT -5
I am sorry you are going through this, I think it sounds really stressful and agree a counselor would be able to look at what is really going on because it's not just the house.
I sympathize because I love a clean house and this would be really hard for me. DH and I have had to tweak how we did things in our 11 years married, and it's not always perfect, but we communicate until we come up with what works for both of us. When we didn't have kids, we set a timer and did stuff on the weekends together and just worked on the daily stuff. When I was a SAHM, I hired a mothers helper to watch the kids while I deep cleaned our house for two hours once a week and we did the rest of it together. Now I am working PT and we have a cleaning service--there is less to split up and I do more because of my schedule but he helps and now we have our kids help us too. It takes a lot of coordination and effort for the place we are now--two kids, four pets, two careers--it's pretty much all hands on deck. There is no way for one person to do it all. And BTW, I am majorly impressed you can cut down trees. You are a basically a rock star.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Sept 22, 2014 19:53:11 GMT -5
This is somewhat less how we do things now (and I'm sure won't work that great once the baby is born), but in the past we've found it helpful to block out time to work on chores either together or at the same time. For bigger projects, I'd suggest telling him that if he hasn't done such and so project by X date, you are going to do it, or schedule a time to do it together.
Also, buy a vacuum. It's 2014. Sweeping the house should not be a chore anymore.
We are pretty much in the same situation, but I think the difference is that we both try to compromise to make things work. That doesn't seem to be happening with you guys and that is why I think there are some bigger issues going on. You both want things your way and don't seem to want to give at all. I would recommend you agree to the cleaning person and then try to compromise on some of the other issues.
Here is how we make it work: --cleaning lady twice a month for the big stuff --DH tries to keep things neater than he would if I wasn't around. In return, I try to look past the couple of areas of the house that are more his and let them get messy. --focus on the things that we prefer to do. I don't mind doing the dishes, wiping out the sink, picking things up. In exchange, he goes to the grocery store more often, does more of the pet tasks, etc. --if I put him in charge of a project that I know he doesn't want to do, we agree on a deadline. He works much better if there is a deadline in place. It has become a joke now. He asks me what his deadline is when he writes it on his to-do list --we each do our own laundry
Your H is not interested in doing the household chores and has provided a perfectly acceptable alternative - hiring it out. Why do you get to tell him no on that front and dictate that he spends his free time cleaning when it sounds like you can afford to hire help? Just because you don't want to hire help? Does his opinion not matter in this situation at all?
If you want to save the money, then go ahead and do the cleaning and pay yourself for it instead of paying someone else. Tell your H you will handle it and keep the money as fun money or something. Just because you both have the time to clean, it doesn't mean your H wants to spend his free time doing that (and it is clear he doesn't) and I don't see why you get to call the shots entirely on this one. If I was your H, I would be kind of pissed.
I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
Yikes, 5 hours of cleaning a week sounds like a lot! That's 1 hour every day after work, assuming you work 5 days per week. Hell no do I want to spend an hour of my precious time after work cleaning. That's time to work out, eat, spend time together and enjoy a hobby if time permits.
Have you revisited distribution of chores?
Does your budget allow for a house cleaner, even once a month? Honestly, if your expectation is 5 hours a week of chores, I think it's fully within your H's right to say let's get a housecleaner assuming that it would fit in to your budget.
Post by insominac on Sept 22, 2014 20:47:59 GMT -5
I used to be just like you.
I felt like I was doing 90% of the housework. He would throw a bunch of things in the dishwasher and brush his hands off like he had done something awesome. Meanwhile, I had spent the past hour and a half scrubbing out the fridge and prying up gunk on the floor with a plastic spoon.
He'd sweep everything off the bathroom counter into a drawer. I'd be kneeling in the corner wiping down baseboards and scrubbing the bathtub on my hands and knees.
Oh, we'd bicker and bicker.
He'd say let's get a maid. I'd protest loudly. Why should we waste money on something we could do ourselves? We're adults after all! I didn't want a stranger in my house, touching my things. A maid meant that I somehow failed. That I wasn't living up to my responsibility. One time I told him to mop the floors. When I came home at the end of the day, the floors were gleaming. Hackles raised, I went to the kitchen - the I could see my reflection in the stove top. Did you, I asked warily, get a maid to clean the house? He confessed and I hit the roof. I even wrote a post on here about how violated I felt. How he was taking short cuts. The BETRAYAL of it all. Oh, it was intense.
Until one day, I just couldn't do it anymore. Work got insane - I was pulling 15 hour days - and I had to throw in the towel. The cleaning lady came that Sunday and she's been here every other Sunday since July. Sure, it's money that we could use for something else. But I sit here on Sunday looking at my sparkling hardwood floors, it's truly worth every penny. One - I don't have to do it. Two - he doesn't have to do it. Three - we don't have to nag each other about it. Four - the cleaning lady can really clean. after all, she's the fucking cleaning lady. let the pros handle it.
Cleaning lady's happy - she had a job. We're happy. Everybody wins.
Post by vanillacourage on Sept 22, 2014 20:52:03 GMT -5
You have to figure this out if you ever plan to have kids. If you're considering counseling over who brings the garbage cans in*, you will quite possibly come to blows over who changed the last poopy diaper or whose turn it is to get up with the baby at 3am this time.
Like, you're a team. Both of you (BOTH OF YOU) need to figure out how to get to that place. Him with the pitching in, you with the bending of absolutes so you're ok with solutions like a housecleaner.
*i know it's about more than that! but the tit-for-tat you guys are engaged in, locked into chores you assigned years ago, is not productive.
I felt like I was doing 90% of the housework. He would throw a bunch of things in the dishwasher and brush his hands off like he had done something awesome. Meanwhile, I had spent the past hour and a half scrubbing out the fridge and prying up gunk on the floor with a plastic spoon.
He'd sweep everything off the bathroom counter into a drawer. I'd be kneeling in the corner wiping down baseboards and scrubbing the bathtub on my hands and knees.
Oh, we'd bicker and bicker.
He'd say let's get a maid. I'd protest loudly. Why should we waste money on something we could do ourselves? We're adults after all! I didn't want a stranger in my house, touching my things. A maid meant that I somehow failed. That I wasn't living up to my responsibility. One time I told him to mop the floors. When I came home at the end of the day, the floors were gleaming. Hackles raised, I went to the kitchen - the I could see my reflection in the stove top. Did you, I asked warily, get a maid to clean the house? He confessed and I hit the roof. I even wrote a post on here about how violated I felt. How he was taking short cuts. The BETRAYAL of it all. Oh, it was intense.
Until one day, I just couldn't do it anymore. Work got insane - I was pulling 15 hour days - and I had to throw in the towel. The cleaning lady came that Sunday and she's been here every other Sunday since July. Sure, it's money that we could use for something else. But I sit here on Sunday looking at my sparkling hardwood floors, it's truly worth every penny. One - I don't have to do it. Two - he doesn't have to do it. Three - we don't have to nag each other about it. Four - the cleaning lady can really clean. after all, she's the fucking cleaning lady. let the pros handle it.
Cleaning lady's happy - she had a job. We're happy. Everybody wins.
This paragraph speaks volumes. This isn't even about house cleaning anymore. You've both drawn battle lines, and clearly do not want the other person to get their way. You have more to work out than house cleaning, and I know this is a common knee-jerk reaction, but I think you would both benefit from counseling.
Also, your DH sounds like a lazy dud of a grown man. Has he always been this way? Do you plan on having kids?
Yes he has pretty much always been this way. We dated throughout college and didn't live together until marriage so I wasn't aware of exactly how lazy he was until we moved in together. He has always held a job and worked very hard to provide for us. He has been quite successful too, and we can certainly afford a house cleaner. I just feel like I would be giving in to his laziness.
We do want kids, but I am scared to death I would end up doing all the work. We have postponed kids for other reasons, but its always been on the back of my mind.
If he's an otherwise good guy and works hard at a good job, then I feel like hiring out as much as possible is the way to go. You might not have known about his messiness/laziness before you were married, but you know now. I feel like you're trying to make him be a person who he's probably never going to be, and I just don't see that working out well for either of you.
I urge you to try to find it in you to move past this line you've drawn in the sand and hire a housekeeper. I mean, if you want to work your ass off and live the rest of your like as an angry martyr, go right ahead. But if hiring a housekeeper would compensate for your DH's greatest weakness *and* lower both of your misery levels, honestly it seems like a no-brainer to me. Your refusal to "give in to his laziness" isn't doing either of you any good. You seem more interested in winning this argument than you do in actually finding the best solution to the problem.
But - even if you do hire a housekeeper, I suspect that you still have issues that stand to be worked out in counseling. It sounds like you're both harboring a lot of resentment, and that you've both lost a lot of respect for each other. That's not a good place to be at any point in a marriage, nor is it a good foundation upon which to start a family. And while you're there, you can talk about the division of labor. A good counselor can help him realize where you're coming from, and maybe even help you realize where he's coming from. And you can voice your fears about all the kid stuff falling on you while he plays video games (which would make me rage, no question).
Good luck! I hope you can work it out so that you're both happy.
Post by imojoebunny on Sept 22, 2014 21:08:16 GMT -5
I have help. It is a lot cheaper than marriage counseling, and crap gets done.
When we first married, we played a game for a couple of months. You got "minutes" for all the jobs you did. I felt like I was doing a lot more than DH. Some jobs, like highly physical ones got more minutes than others, but overall, we did a minute for minute. In the end, we found there was equal. DH worked for big blocks of time, like 5 hours on Saturday, where as, I worked every day for an hour or so. 10 years later, he is still that way, and I am still a slow and steady. Now, we have a lot more stuff, multiple houses, kids, ect, and I have Dave, Bob, And Steve.
I appreciate you bringing this up, maybe I am being ridiculous. However when we moved into our current house three years ago this is how we agreed to split the chores, I am simply wanting him to do his stuff in a timely manner. He agreed to his chores up front. I am asking him to do maybe 5 hours of cleaning a week, plus splitting bigger house projects as we have free weekends. Am I suppose to lump it and hire this out because my husband is literally too lazy and would rather spend his time playing video games?
I'm sorry, but you are absolutely being ridiculous and I will reiterate it again.
You agreed to something three years ago. Times change, people change, and agreements and situations change. It's time to re-evaluate, and you need to be open to him suggesting an alternative (like a housekeeper) as opposed to it just being your way or the highway. You are asking him to do FIVE HOURS A WEEK of cleaning. That is - for lack of a better word - ridiculous.
WHAT ON EARTH takes you each five hours a week of cleaning? I'm assuming this is an even-steven split of work, so you're telling me that you and your H spend 10 hours a week cleaning your house? I don't get it. You think this is no big deal, but you're asking your H to spend an extra hour every weekday cleaning. You want him to come home from a full day at work and do something he doesn't enjoy for an hour every day. Or he can devote half of a Saturday or Sunday to cleaning, which means he loses about 1/4 of his weekend, EVERY weekend. If he cleans 5 hours a week, he spends 260 hours - or the equivalent of 6.5 work weeks - cleaning every year. Why? Because you won't agree to hiring a house cleaner because you "enjoy" cleaning, and you're not willing to compromise or re-evaluate, despite the fact that your H clearly doesn't share the same feelings about cleaning. What if your H made you do something you didn't enjoy every day because he wanted it done? Or expected you to give up a quarter of every weekend to do something? Something that you could easily outsource? Would you not resent him for that?
You are creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one. Outsource the major cleaning. Have someone come clean the house every week or every other week and get over the control issues that you seem to have here. Who cares about the money? Why on earth do you want to let $300 a month cause you so much resentment toward your H? A cleaner will take care of vacuuming, mopping, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, cleaning the kitchen and appliances, and can do a load of laundry if you want them to. Just like that, half your chore list is gone. Gift buying is easy with an Amazon Prime account, you can get your prescriptions done by mail order, and you can set up automatic bill pay. That would leave you with air filters (I don't even know what that means?), changing the litter, vet trips (I can't imagine these are more often than maybe 1x per month, and that would be high), errands (again - take care of half that crap by ordering stuff on Amazon subscription or Amazon Prime and having it just show up at your door), and then dealing with the occasional repairman. That's really not a lot.
Your H is who he is. You married a guy that doesn't like to clean. Does that suck for you? Yes. But a leopard doesn't change his spots. You're not going to win this battle - you haven't won it in three years. You sound like you resent your H; if you're coming off that way to us, I can only imagine how you're coming off to him. I too noticed the "my" house comment, you stated more than once that your H is lazy, and you seemed to be judging your H for playing video games - but who cares? Unless he spends so much time playing video games that he neglects you, then what's the problem with them? Is playing video games any worse than futzing around on GBCN? Honestly?
Your H sounds like he works hard, you said he makes good money, and you're insisting that he spend his free time cleaning instead of outsourcing it like he would prefer. Maybe once you stop putting your H in a situation where the only way for him to make you happy is for him to do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, he'll want to contribute more. I know I wouldn't waste much time in his situation - he's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. He either gets nagged by you for being lazy, or he gets completely ignored as a partner in this situation because his preference doesn't matter since you don't want to compromise or consider doing anything but exactly what YOU want.
Holy moly, I wasn't expecting such passion about this subject! People are right, we decided on a chore list that is completely outdated, we need to address that. When I said 5 hours a week that included everything:
Cats: feeding/water/putting them to bed at night (they sleep in the garage) 15 mins a day x 7= 1.75 hrs a week Dishes: 5 mins a day x 7= 35 mins Garbage: 10 mins Sweeping: 1.5 hrs
So lets say 4 hours of house hold responsibilities a week. I don't think that's too much to ask a grown adult to handle. I do not nag my husband. I simply see things not getting done and finally do them in desperation because things have gotten gross and then am silently resentful. Which I want to change. And after reading this thread I'm open to a housekeeper. It just kills me because I'm frugal. I'd much rather save that 300/month and take an extra vacation a year, or pay off the house that much faster.
And I never said I didn't like how my H does chores, I simply want them done on a regular, timely basis. And if that means leaving cans at the curb for an extra day, so be it. I can deal with that. I just can't deal with a house that hasn't had the floors cleaned in 3 weeks. Or dirty dishes in a sink for days at a time.
There is nothing wrong with playing video games, I waste similar amounts of time on the internet, but I get my crap done. I'm just finding it frustrating that he doesn't seem to care when the house gets gross and he shirks his chores because he just doesn't like to do it.
I would encourage you to read about non violent communication. It has really helped me understand why I'm reacting as I am in situations and to communicate what I need to others.
'H, when you don't sweep for three weeks but have plenty of time for video games, I feel angry. It makes me feel like you put your wants ahead of our household needs. Would you be willing to agree to do chores by a specific date?'
The basic formula is: When you do x, I feel y. The meaning I derive from y is z. Would you be willing to do ABC instead?